How do I know what my romantic orientation is?

[Methien]

Hello, I'm Nele, 20 years old, female, and I identify as asexual. I'm pretty sure of that, figured that out about a year ago now, with much help from this site. However, this is the first time I'm actually making a forum thread, because my romantic orientation is much harder for me to determine, and would be very grateful if someone could help me out. At first I thought I was biromantic, but lately I have been thinking about being Aromantic, but I'm just not sure.

 

 

A little background information:

 

* When I was younger (let's say around 10-13), I did have a few "boyfriends" and "crushes", but I've always thought of them as not legit, because at that age it's impossible to know what "love" really is

 

* I haven't had a "crush" since I was 13

 

* I had a girlfriend for two months when I was 16, mostly because we both were curious about being with a girl, but nothing ever happened between us. We never had sex, never even kissed. The most we ever did was cuddle. Although we didn't have a 'typical' relationship, I felt good with her. After two months she ended it because "the feelings were gone", and I was okay with that really. We are still friends to this day, even though we kind of lost contact.

 

* When I was 18, I went to college, where I met a guy in my first week there. I didn't think anything more of him than just being friends, mind you, but one night that same week he started talking to me and I found out we actually had a lot in common, and a few days later he said he wanted to be more than friends. Even though we had known each other for barely a week, I went along with it, to see how it would go. Mostly because I hadn't had a serious relationship yet, and I wanted to know how it felt like. Things ended after about three months though, because of multiple reasons, but mostly because he thought way too much about sex. I went along with it at first, because I was curious, but even more so because I thought it was expected of me (people have always thought of me as prude and I wanted to prove them wrong maybe? idk). Some foreplay happened, but we never got to actually having sex, and that was because of me. Long story short, he was the reason I figured out I was asexual. But when things ended with him, I didn't feel sad, or heartbroken. I didn't even miss him, while he on the contrairy did feel really bad. Thinking back to that relationship now, I'm confused about what I felt for him. I did care for him, I really did, but I'm really just not sure it was romance? Because it didn't feel intense, or anything else that you would associate with "love".

 

* Both of these relationships never originated from a crush I had on those people, I only dated them out of curiousity, or because they were interested in me

 

* I genuinely don't know how love, or romantic attraction feels like, or how it can be defined

 

* Apart from cuddling, holding hands or a kiss here and there, I pretty much hated everything else. I was disgusted by tongue kissing, as well as with anything that has to do with sex, but that's the asexuality speaking. I also hated the fluff: sending gooey, sickly sweet texts, or talking overly sweet to each other, or being solely dependant on them; it literally makes me sick.

 

* That also happened when I was meeting up with him. Whenever I was supposed to meet him at 'our' spot, I felt sick to my stomach, and nervous, and didn't feel comfortable even after he arrived, at least not for a little while.

 

 

So to summarize, I am just really confused about where I am on the spectrum. Am I aromantic? Am I heteroromantic? Am I somewhere in the middle? I really don't know. The only thing I know is that I don't know what love or romantic attraction is. I don't know if I have felt it before, since I don't know what it means.

 

I would be ever so grateful if someone could give me a hand here

 

Thanks so much! (Especially if you read all that ^)

 

PS sorry if my English is bad, it's not my native language.

[luzblue]

Well what you have felt on the romance side of things is pretty similar to my story, and I do consider myself aromantic.

 

I don't believe in absolutes, but my guess would be you're on the aromantic spectrum.

[Emmmm23]

I would say that you're aro. Even though you like cuddles and stuff, that doesn't imply romantic attraction or anything like that. For me, your first relationship sounds more like a QPR than anything else but of course, if both of you considered it a romantic relationship, then it was. And about your other relationship, the fact that you cared about him doesn't mean that's romantic attraction, it could be platonic? For me, the main difference is the intention (especially for cuddles and stuff like that) and how I want it to be called, and the fact that I want romantic love to be reciprocated but there are people who don't. It's still hard to describe it because it varies from person to person and what for me is clearly platonic/romantic, for others it could be different. Maybe a label that could fit you is quoiromantic (people who can't tell platonic from romantic attraction)?

9 hours ago, luzblue said:

[...] but my guess would be you're on the aromantic spectrum.

I guess so too. In the end, I think it is all about the term you are most comfortable with/that fits better.