am i trans or is it a phase??

[tylerismyname]

so recently, in the past year or so, i have begun to question my gender. in the past month or two it's gotten more extreme and every time someone calls me by my birth name of uses she/her pronouns, i hate it and doesn't feel like it's right. whenever i think of being called he/him, or tyler (which is the name i have started using online), it makes me very happy. my name doesn't affect me too much, because i've always lived with it, but it is very feminine and i hate it. whenever i hear it, it gives me bad memories of extrememe femininity. i'm scared to come out just in case it is just a phase. i'm 14, and i did come out to my parents before, but they said that because i hadn't been a tomboy when i was younger and that i'd always been sort of feminine it didn't count. which made me think it was just a phase. i'm not too keen on surgeries or anything, but i feel like that might be because it's very scary to me and i would rather nope out of it than have to deal with things. but whenever i think of having a flat chest, or masculine qualities, it excites me. also, whenever i look in the mirror, i don't mind my body, but when i remember that it's what other people view me as, it scares me a bit. people view me as a girl and i seriously don't like that thought. i am also attracted to females and gay males...which is odd. when i think about sex with a man as a female, i am disgusted by it. but when i think of sex with a man as a man, it's not so bad. i'm not very interested in sex anyway, but a gay relationship interests me much more. i guess pronouns don't bother me a huuuuuge amount, but i would love to be referred to as he/him and called tyler. but i don't know if it's a phase or not.  and that really bothers me. 

[nerdperson777]

Whether it's a phase or not, we support you.  We're often put into this mentality that everyone else wants it to be a phase and that the us they saw before was the "real" us.  Being a tomboy isn't a for sure sign of anything, even if that was a trend.  I was a tomboy, but my apartmentmate wasn't.  She said that when she was younger, she loved dresses.  She wore them almost everyday.  But once puberty hit, she just lost interest in most feminine things.  We ended up getting along well because we didn't like feminine things and had a preference with more masculine coded things like games and questioning the logic behind feminine accessories.  Also, gender can be fluid.  Some people may not "feel trans" until they're in their 30s, 40s, 50s.  For others it might've been a thing that persisted through childhood.  Age should not factor in your decision in whether you're having a phase.

[invis]

It sounds like you are still figuring it out. which is completely fine! I think it is important to make sure that you are making decisions based on how you feel.  not how society perceives you or what your parents think.  if you feel most comfortable going by tyler, and prefer male pronouns and want to dress more masculine then id say do it.  it is hard to figure things out when you aren't given the chance to experience it.  maybe something like genderfluid or non binary could be terms that help you while you settle on what you are most comfortable with?  

 

as for what you are attracted to.  it could suggest that you are trans. or it could be because the culture and representation lgbt relationships are a better model for what you want over a traditional heteronormative lifestyle.  

[Mychemicalqpr]

Sounds real to me. Nerdperson makes a good point about how gender can be fluid. Even if something changes, that wouldn't necessarily mean that what you were feeling wasn't real. You don't have to have known from the time you were small for it to count, and stereotypes don't determine gender. There are others, including me, who didn't start getting enough dysphoria to notice until puberty. A ciswoman can be a tomboy without being trans, so why can't a transman be not a tomboy and be trans? Also, it's really hard to pass a a tomboy. I was a child that ran around with toy swords a lot, dug in the dirt, climbed trees, built train tracks... But because I also danced around in princess dresses and played with Barbies, that's what everyone remembers about me. You'll find that the equation with which people measure masculinity vs femininity in someone, in addition to usually being arbitrary, isn't balanced. The feminine side is given more weight. So don't give this unfair system too much credibility. 

[NerotheReaper]

Welcome to Aven!

 

Well as others have already said, you are still figuring things out. I remember when I was that age I wasn't really sure of my gender, because I didn't feel like a girl but I didn't feel like a guy. I wasn't sure what I was, but now in college I can confidently say that I still feel the way I did. Expect now sometimes I feel like a guy, sometimes I feel like a girl, sometimes both, sometimes neither. So for me personally, it wasn't a phase. It might be a phase for you, since you are in that age range where you are now just figuring things out with gender and sexuality. Don't worry about who you are attracted to, there is no need for you to rush and try and find out who you are attracted to. Dating in middle school and high school is just awkward, and those relationships usually don't last.

 

So just take your time with these things, and know you are always welcome here to ask questions and learn more about the community 

[Andiamo]

Hi Tyler! Welcome to AVEN! 

 

I'm not sure how much I have to add to the great replies you've already gotten, but I wanted to say again that it's okay to identify however you feel most comfortable, even if that changes in the future or was different in the past. Gender can be fluid, so how you feel at one point in your life doesn't have to invalidate how you feel at another. I'm 19, and didn't even begin to question my gender until about a year ago. Over time, I have become more and more secure in my identity as agender, and have felt less and less comfortable hearing she/her used for me. Before last year, I didn't realize that I could possibly be anything besides female or male. Because I wasn't male, I assumed I must be female and didn't really let myself think about it. So it definitely doesn't have to be something that you've known to be true for your whole life.

 

Best of luck, and enjoy the forums!

[200 Ponies]

Welcome Tyler!

 

It definitely sounds like this is causing you some stress, which makes me think it may not be a phase. A phase is when you dress emo for a few years and think "no one understands me" but you outgrow it. (Nothing wrong with being emo, I'm just using it as an example.)

 

However, it could be a state of mind as well. When I was younger, I hated being a girl. I didn't like how feminine my name was, either, and I wished people would think of me as a boy. Looking back, it was all because I had no female role models and all my friends were incredibly sexist (I only hung out with boys for a time). Once I realized that girls are valuable and not just sub-par, I embraced my femininity and really enjoyed all the facets of being a woman. The difference between that phase in my life and actually being trans is that I never felt like I wasn't a girl, I just didn't want to be one because of society constantly putting girls down.

 

That might not be what's going on with you, but it's something to consider. Either way, I wouldn't worry too much. You'll find the answer in time and it will feel right, no matter what it is.

[ReyGraves]

Hey Tyler

I'd like to contribute, I felt similar when I was your age (only a few years ago). I felt similarly, I wasn't sure it wasn't a phase so I never told anyone. I didn't join communites because "it's just a phase and why join people who are things you aren't. Why join when its not gonna last?" But that was a mistake. Because if it doesn't turn out to "just be a phase" then you have bottled emotions. If it is a phase then I'm sure this community and others would be happy to have helped you go through this journey.

 

Basically, if you don't want to come out to peope in real life then come out to people online. I've made accounts that no one knows about under Rey (my chosen gender neutral name, instead of my female name), because I was scared of saying, hey guys I'm agender! Only to embarrassingly retract that later. I understand "what if its just a phase" and I'm still kinda wondering myself but everytime I wonder I imagine being called my female name, being called by female pronouns and gendered nouns, i think of the disgust I feel (similar to when I think of a food I really don't like). The key to this, I realized, is not to confuse this with gender expression. I quickly found out that asking myself if I would like to wear a dress was irrelevant as yes I would but I still disliked being a called a girl. Everytime you wonder try something similar. Ask yourself a question that has to do just with your gender. Not expression or expectation. Continue to ask yourself and whenever you feel like you should have grown out of this 'phase' but you havent changed your answer then I'd say it wasn't. And there's no common benchmark of 'oh now I know its not a phase' moment. Personally my journey started a long time ago but i had no idea what i was feeling. I know now and realize, it's been a long time, two years I think. (Rough estimate because I'm basing it off when i cut my hair short plus a year.) 

 

Good luck! I'm always open to listening just like the rest of these wonderful people!