Kiraitsuki Posted February 21, 2017 Share Posted February 21, 2017 Hello, i am very new to this site, im not sure if im submitting this to the right forum... (im very sorry for spelling and grammar mistakes beforehand) i came here in look for help so please help me im an asexual female, and a few weeks ago i started going out with my best friend and now boyfriend, which is sexual he says that without sex, a relationship is the same as friendship, because sex is like the key to go further and be more intimate i am a sex-repulsed asexual, i cant stand sex and reproductive organs, and i am very opposed to the idea of even having sex, even if its him ive had a previous abusive relationship, where my partner demanded sex, nudes, and photos of me, and i had to do disgusting things i didnt want to, and because of this i am more disgusted and paranoid about it he already knows, and says he will never do something like that or make me do it, yet he is still very doubtful of himself i love him very much, and he loves me just as much back, too, we really dont want to break up because of this but we just cant find an answer or solution to this, it has him very depressed and we are both miserable because of this please help Link to post Share on other sites
YamiCake Posted February 21, 2017 Share Posted February 21, 2017 That is quite the dilemma... Unfortunately as someone who has been in a similar situation all I can think of is breaking up. You're not obligated to have sex with him and if you don't want to and he feels it's necessary then I just don't know how it could work. I know it's shitty, but there's not much that can be done. (maybe someone else will have an idea, but that's the only option I really see). Maybe if you guys were ok with an open relationship where he could have another person to do that with it could work, but that would require you both to be ok with that sort of thing. Link to post Share on other sites
nanogretchen4 Posted February 21, 2017 Share Posted February 21, 2017 I really don't think dating a sexual person sounds like a good idea. I don't see how that can ever work out well for you. You don't have to date at all if you don't want to. If you want to date, you need to look for another asexual. Link to post Share on other sites
Kiraitsuki Posted February 21, 2017 Author Share Posted February 21, 2017 29 minutes ago, nanogretchen4 said: I really don't think dating a sexual person sounds like a good idea. I don't see how that can ever work out well for you. You don't have to date at all if you don't want to. If you want to date, you need to look for another asexual. yes, ive always though things like that, but i just love him so much.. and im one of those people that finds it a bit hard to believe ill ever find another asexual partner, too, so i dont know... Link to post Share on other sites
Christophercross Posted February 22, 2017 Share Posted February 22, 2017 I know how you feel I recently broke up with my boyfriend due to the fact that I was asexual its hard but we're still close friends and like your situation he was sexual with relationships like this they can last up to a year but cracks will appear and the end result is a break up I'm afraid it tough were I live I've never met another asexual before Link to post Share on other sites
Lara Black Posted February 22, 2017 Share Posted February 22, 2017 Hello, Kiraitsuki. Sadly, I don’t think there’s much to work with in your case – mixed relationships are complicated to begin with, even with both partners being ready to compromise. Since neither you, nor your partner can make compromises and be happy with them, it seems that eventually each of you will be happier on your own. Link to post Share on other sites
Zile Posted February 22, 2017 Share Posted February 22, 2017 I have a similar thing going on with my husband and we decided to give having an open relationship a try. It has had its ups and downs. Constant communication is key as well as total honesty about how you feel. We are both currently in the process of finding someone that compliments our sexuality or lack thereof to bring in to the mix. Link to post Share on other sites
Username_2017 Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 Sorry to hear about your situation, I'm not sure why he as a sexual has got into a relationship with you knowing about your asexuality and past abuse as he doesn't even see it as a relationship without sex? I think it is only fair on both of you to break up if you are both miserable. He can find someone he can have his idea of a relationship with and you too can find someone to have a relationship that doesn't involve sex or any aspects of intimacy that you don't want to participate in. Try asexual dating sites, meet ups in your area etc. Link to post Share on other sites
Kiraitsuki Posted February 24, 2017 Author Share Posted February 24, 2017 thank you to everyone who has replied to this thinks are going a bit smooth now (?) and it doesnt seem we will break up, he promised me that he -will- change, or atleast learn to live without the idea of ever having sex, and that it would hurt him more to lose me than not doing it its going to take him a while to get used to it and hes been moody but atleast we have reached something similar to an agreement if it turns for the worst then i guess ill consider looking for asexual dating sites (though i am very shy and have trust issues/long distance relationships arent my thing (i live in chile, asexual community here is so small because our country's society is hypersexualized)) so thats that thank you again everyone, i will continue to stay positive about our relationship, certainly mixed relationships are hard but i believe we will be able to live through it~ Link to post Share on other sites
nanogretchen4 Posted February 24, 2017 Share Posted February 24, 2017 He can't change his sexual orientation. I don't know why an asexual would accept their own orientation as real and unchangeable, yet somehow imagine that a sexual person can become asexual by an act of will. Not having sex is not something a sexual person can just get used to. Some can learn to live with it, but very few are truly happy in the longterm. If you value your friendship with this guy I think you should go back to being just friends. Link to post Share on other sites
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