Kere Posted February 20, 2017 Share Posted February 20, 2017 I've been thinking about what demiromantic means. The way the definition seems to run, these people only experience romantic attraction after an emotional bond has been formed, and it sounds like they can form this sort of attraction to platonic friends, but it's not like they choose that, it's just sort of the way it happens for them. I'm not completely sure that's how it works for me. For one, I would never feel attracted to a platonic friend of my own gender (I'm definitely heteroromantic) even if I had an emotional bond with them. For two, It's not that I can only form attractions to those I have an emotional bond with, but that bond is a very deep longing of my heart. I feel like it's almost that I've trained myself to allow those feelings of attraction only with someone I know a little better and have a bond with, almost a defense mechanism of sorts. (My emotions were largely neglected as a child, and I'd rather be alone than be with a partner who did the same). Would this still qualify as "demiromantic"? Thoughts, anyone? Thanks for your help! Link to post Share on other sites
AVEN #1 fan Posted February 20, 2017 Share Posted February 20, 2017 I don't think so. Link to post Share on other sites
NoLongerActive1234 Posted February 20, 2017 Share Posted February 20, 2017 One does not have to be able to develop romantic feelings for both genders to be demiromantic. You can be Bi, Homo, Hetero, Pan...something demiromantic. Being demiromantic means that there needs to be more bonding and emotional closeness to develop romantic feelings/attraction which you more naturally would have with a friend, since you'd have gotten to know them well to have that sort of closeness. Even if you'd have all that with a friend though that doesn't mean that romantic feelings would have to develop either. You generally don't decide who you fall in love with it tends to just happen. 4 hours ago, Kere said: For two, It's not that I can only form attractions to those I have an emotional bond with, but that bond is a very deep longing of my heart. I'm not sure I understand what you mean, is it that you can be attracted to a guy even if you don't feel like you have a close emotional bond with him too? Link to post Share on other sites
Lorna81 Posted February 20, 2017 Share Posted February 20, 2017 8 hours ago, Kere said: I've been thinking about what demiromantic means. The way the definition seems to run, these people only experience romantic attraction after an emotional bond has been formed, and it sounds like they can form this sort of attraction to platonic friends, but it's not like they choose that, it's just sort of the way it happens for them. I'm not completely sure that's how it works for me. For one, I would never feel attracted to a platonic friend of my own gender (I'm definitely heteroromantic) even if I had an emotional bond with them. For two, It's not that I can only form attractions to those I have an emotional bond with, but that bond is a very deep longing of my heart. I feel like it's almost that I've trained myself to allow those feelings of attraction only with someone I know a little better and have a bond with, almost a defense mechanism of sorts. (My emotions were largely neglected as a child, and I'd rather be alone than be with a partner who did the same). Would this still qualify as "demiromantic"? Thoughts, anyone? Thanks for your help! I *think* I'm demi-quoiromantic (!). This is how it has worked for me - I've fallen in (either platonic or romantic love - can't tell) three times in the past and it has always been with a best friend. The first was another girl who I was best friends with for years who I grew to love and was absolutely gutted when I got ditched for her preference for male sexual partners. The second was a male best friend who I got really close to, loved, got together with, then our relationship broke down due to my uncomfortableness with sex. The third was another man who was really nice to me and became my best friend, then love, then breakdown of the relationship due to me not being comfortable with sex again. I never chose for it happen in any of these circumstances, but will be more aware in the future. As mentioned, you don't need to be bi-romantic to be demi-romantic. If demi-romanticism is defined as 'Someone who is demiromantic only experiences romantic attraction after a strong emotional connection is formed' - and you can 'only form attractions to those I have an emotional bond with, but that bond is a very deep longing of my heart' it sounds like you're demi-romantic. Whether that's due to a defence mechanism or something innate I'm not sure. Link to post Share on other sites
Kere Posted February 20, 2017 Author Share Posted February 20, 2017 5 hours ago, MistySpring said: I'm not sure I understand what you mean, is it that you can be attracted to a guy even if you don't feel like you have a close emotional bond with him too? I would say I can, and it doesn't happen that often, and I am very guarded about it. Most of the ones I meet like this are married, so I feel obligated to be guarded about it - I swore a long time ago to never be the "other woman". On the rare occasions when the guy is single, he's either not interested in me or not interested in slowing down and building the bond. Link to post Share on other sites
NoLongerActive1234 Posted February 20, 2017 Share Posted February 20, 2017 3 hours ago, Kere said: I would say I can, and it doesn't happen that often, and I am very guarded about it. Most of the ones I meet like this are married, so I feel obligated to be guarded about it - I swore a long time ago to never be the "other woman". On the rare occasions when the guy is single, he's either not interested in me or not interested in slowing down and building the bond. That is a very wise thought about not wanting to be 'the other woman' for sure. It sounds like you maybe aren't technically demiromantic but since it is so rare that you have more of an instant type of attraction and that you really wish for time to create more bonding I don't see why you couldn't go with the label if you feel that it suits you? It seems as if it is really natural to you to develop a strong bond and gradually get more and more comfortable and secure in the romantic relationship. I personally see it rather similarly! So what you say makes a lot of sense to me. I guess it is about finding someone who has the same preference. I can see it being tricky since some people prefer to jump right into the romantic attraction side of things and then get to know the other/ bond. Link to post Share on other sites
Kere Posted February 21, 2017 Author Share Posted February 21, 2017 @MistySpring Thanks for the input! So where, besides places like this, does one meet other demis? Link to post Share on other sites
NoLongerActive1234 Posted February 21, 2017 Share Posted February 21, 2017 You're welcome! And well this thread mentions a couple of different sites so you could check them out: http://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/144030-dating-site-master-list/ I've not tried them myself but OKCupid has a an option to say if you are asexual or demisexual I believe. There is the meetup section on Aven too where people can connect with others that live close by (although it is not for dating specifically). Link to post Share on other sites
dragon_nerd Posted March 10, 2017 Share Posted March 10, 2017 As someone who identifies as demiromantic I have always described I can only feeling romantic attraction towards people who I'm already best friends with and even then I might not feel romantic attraction. Link to post Share on other sites
Homer Posted March 10, 2017 Share Posted March 10, 2017 On 20.2.2017 at 3:36 PM, MistySpring said: Being demiromantic means that there needs to be more bonding and emotional closeness to develop romantic feelings/attraction which you more naturally would have with a friend, since you'd have gotten to know them well to have that sort of closeness. This. It's also worth noticing that demi-something-ism is not even remotely rare. A lot of people only are attracted to others (romantically, sexually, whateverally) after a specific bond has been formed. It is a completely normal, average experience. Link to post Share on other sites
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