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Trying to figure things out


herpderp92

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Hi! This will be a quite long post. I'm sorry about that, but if there is any place for a post like this, I guess it's gotta be here.

 

I'm a male in his 20's from Norway, and I've never had sex. Personally, that has never bothered me. I know for sure that I can go through life without having sex. I am, however, romantically attracted to women, and I hate the thought of spending the rest of my life alone because of my lack of interest for sex. I also want to have kids some day. I am not an unattractive guy (or so I've heard ;)) and I've had plenty of chances with women I'm romantically attracted to. But what happens is that I somehow seduce them, and when I can't give them what they want, we part our ways, leaving them with broken hearts and me with a week of longing and regret. It fucking sucks. I feel really bad for them, and I feel like a dick. I always excuse myself though.. Say I have some problems to deal with, without going into details.

 

I've even been in a relationship through my last high school year, and although we did do sexual things (which I enjoyed), we didn't have sex. She wanted to, but for me.. it just didn't work. I broke up with her when I couldn't take the pressure anymore. Since then I've pretty much ignored it, focusing on other things, like studies, building a career, a business, traveling.. I've been pretty cool with it. But recently, I had an episode with a woman that I was attracted to (which didn't work out due to.. well.. sex, I guess), and this has made me realize that I have to do something. I have to figure this out. I hope you can give me some advice.

 

At this point, I'm not sure why I am how I am. Can it simply be due to the fact that I haven't had sex? That I don't know how it's like? I'm not the most well-equipped guy, and throughout junior high my peers did their best to ruin my self-confidence. And while I'm very confident in most areas, sexuality is at rock bottom. To make things more difficult, the older you are as a virgin, the harder it gets. Could it be that simple? Can low self-confidence about sex ruin sexual attraction towards other people? I fear having sex. I'm not disgusted by it. Is this a road worth going down, or am I in denial?

 

I guess it's more likely that there is nothing I can do about this. And in that case, what can I do to find like-minded women? 

 

By the way: Great to see such a thriving community of friendly people. Look forward to getting to know you.

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Hey, welcome! I'm Cake, nice to meet you. 
Hi+serena.gif
Whatever the reason may be, if you don't want to have sex, then don't do it. Anybody who tries to force it on you can shove it up a bean pole. 
I myself have had similar issues. I can get romantically attached to a guy, trouble is every time I have done it's been a sexual person. Personally, I am sex repulsed, it does not interest me in the least. Unfortunately as I mentioned, hugs don't cut it for most people.
As for whether or not you are ace, it's not my place to say. But the label of "ace" isn't going to hurt if you use it. You can be ace now and find out you're something else later, or maybe it will never change for you. What matters is how the label makes you feel. If it feels right to use then that's all that matters.

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I have a fear of certain sex acts, so I kind of blamed all my problems on that for a long, long time. I realized that doesn't tell the whole story though, as I'm pretty neutral towards other sex acts or sexual (but not quite sex) acts but have no real desire for them. A lot of people here have some degree of sex-repulsion or aversion. Also, I think it makes sense for people who have no interest in, or desire for sex to be fearful of it because sex is pretty strange from an objective point of view. It's just most people's sexuality can overcome that. I mean, a lot of preteens think sex is pretty scary or gross, and then they get older and sexual desire kicks in and overcomes that initial aversion/repulsion. I think maybe a lot of asexuals and grey asexuals get stuck in that aversion/repulsion stage to some degree or another.

 

Some asexuals don't really have much aversion or repulsion, and so may agree to it for the sake of their partner. Not everyone can do that though, and that's okay.

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Hello and welcome to AVEN! I'm glad you decided to join, and thank you for sharing your story.

 

If you fear it, why should you have to force yourself to have sex? If you want to, go ahead, but you don't have to. Contrary to what much of the world seems to think, sex isn't something that is required for all people. So decide for yourself whether or not it's something you want to do, and go from there, rather than letting others decide for you what you should want.

 

Approximately 1% of the world's population is asexual. That doesn't sound like much, but with a population of 7 billion, that's 70 million people. So it is definitely possible to find a woman who is ace, if that's what you want. The biggest challenge is that it really isn't a well-known term, so it can be hard to find others who openly identify with it. 

 

Feel free to PM me if you're looking for friends or want to talk about anything! Enjoy the forums!

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StraightVisitor

Greetings,

     I was visiting this site just now (for the first time no less because i did not know what aven stood for) when i happened to stumble across your site.  The only reason i spent 2 min in opening an account was to answer your question.   I will tell you the advice I would tell my nephew (he is 21) if he was in your shoes. 

    A lot of guys (most guys I believe) think that they are under equipped- in large measure because their comparison groups are porn sites whereby most of the porn actors have above average size equipment (that no less was a pre- condition for many of them getting employed.)   Most guys on average are 5.8 or so inches (x2.2 to convert to cm) - you can google whichever study you want but they all pretty much agree that 'the norm' for a male erection is really much shorter than most believe.  (If your girlfriends aren't pre occupied about it, then why should you be?) 

    Once you stick your penis in a female your psychological well-being (inner peace) will probably improve for you and you most likely realize that many of the holdups that you've had about intercourse over your life are merely fears holding you back (fear holds people back from many wonderful things) Of course, you may not like sex, and may decide that you're more asexual than you thought- and that is totally cool.   But either way, you will get more information once you try it.  (Note:  this is not to imply that people need to have sex to know that they are sexual or asexual or pansexual or (insert whatever word you'd like here)- but rather in your case, as someone who is seeking out answers and seems to be in a quandry- why not get some empirical (scientific) data?   Specifically, stick your penis in a vagina and make some new observations (collect some new data) from that vantage point.  (What do you have to lose? )  If you feel your girlfriend will leave you anyway then why not get some real world experience and then make your evaluations with that new reference?

    Please Note:  My advice to this fellow was not intended to offend anyone and i apologize if it may appear that way.  I just believe that in lieu of self-wondering year after year people and wallowing in self-doubt or regret, people are generally  better off just trying stuff (starting the business, writing the book, trying out for an acting part, asking the girl out, etc. etc. etc) - because even if and when they fail they are usually infinitely better off by making the attempt (and usually they feel good about themselves having the courage to take action) and very often (to their pleasant surprise) things are easier (and less scary) and more enjoyable than they initially believed.

 

Best wishes everyone

   

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