rachellee Posted February 18, 2017 Share Posted February 18, 2017 Hey guys, So I identify as asexual/demiromantic, and I have been having a really difficult time recently receiving the intimacy I need. Typically, I will do small things like put my feet on someone's lap, sling an arm around them when greeting them, or even something as small as just sit in the same room as them. However, the two people I feel comfortable enough to do this with have both entered into relationships recently, and I have been left by the wayside as a result. I have depression as well, and I am really struggling with the emotional result of not having these comforts. I know that if I ask them about spending more time with me, I will feel selfish and needy, and they won't really understand why I need this, but I also don't want to keep feeling this crappy. Do you guys have any suggestions? I just need a way to spend time with people I am comfortable with, or to cuddle with someone or something, without feeling like an intrusion or a burden. Link to post Share on other sites
ruuua Posted February 18, 2017 Share Posted February 18, 2017 It's not a replacement for intimacy, but for me personally I have a teddy that I cuddle sometimes when I'm feeling lonely and it can help a surprising amount. It definitely isn't selfish or needy to want that kind of comfort. Have you tried talking to these people about it? They might be a lot more understanding about it than you think. Link to post Share on other sites
EmbrACE_it Posted February 18, 2017 Share Posted February 18, 2017 Just now, ruuua said: It's not a replacement for intimacy, but for me personally I have a teddy that I cuddle sometimes when I'm feeling lonely and it can help a surprising amount. It definitely isn't selfish or needy to want that kind of comfort. Have you tried talking to these people about it? They might be a lot more understanding about it than you think. I might try that! Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
DatsNotMahName Posted February 18, 2017 Share Posted February 18, 2017 Whenever I feel low I either eat so much I can't breathe (which is not very healthy.. I shouldn't be doing that but fudge is so good! ) Or I run my ass off outside. I also play guitar so I sometimes just play I along with that. Maybe don't tell them directly that it bothers you, Just try And drop a few hints here and there. Link to post Share on other sites
EmbrACE_it Posted February 18, 2017 Share Posted February 18, 2017 1 minute ago, DatsNotMahName said: Whenever I feel low I either eat so much I can't breathe (which is not very healthy.. I shouldn't be doing that but fudge is so good! ) Or I run my ass off outside. I also play guitar so I sometimes just play I along with that. Maybe don't tell them directly that it bothers you, Just try And drop a few hints here and there. I'm not gonna lie, I can make some amazing fudge. Link to post Share on other sites
DatsNotMahName Posted February 18, 2017 Share Posted February 18, 2017 2 minutes ago, EmbrACE_it said: I'm not gonna lie, I can make some amazing fudge. OMFG I WUV U!!!! *runs to wherever you are* Pwease gimme some fuuuuuudge! *puppy eyes* Link to post Share on other sites
ruuua Posted February 18, 2017 Share Posted February 18, 2017 3 minutes ago, EmbrACE_it said: I'm not gonna lie, I can make some amazing fudge. Vanilla fudge objectively makes everything better Link to post Share on other sites
LettACE Posted February 18, 2017 Share Posted February 18, 2017 The teddy bear thing works well for me, especially if you get one that is a good huggable size, like a size or two bigger then the ones at build a bear work great! (I know bears don't come in sizes, just trying to give a sort of visual) Link to post Share on other sites
EmbrACE_it Posted February 18, 2017 Share Posted February 18, 2017 4 minutes ago, DatsNotMahName said: OMFG I WUV U!!!! *runs to wherever you are* Pwease gimme some fuuuuuudge! *puppy eyes* XD Maryland. And of course I will give you fudge! Link to post Share on other sites
DatsNotMahName Posted February 18, 2017 Share Posted February 18, 2017 Just now, EmbrACE_it said: XD Maryland. And of course I will give you fudge! YAY!! XD Link to post Share on other sites
EmbrACE_it Posted February 18, 2017 Share Posted February 18, 2017 Just now, DatsNotMahName said: YAY!! XD Any specific kind you want? I'll send it to space for you. Link to post Share on other sites
DatsNotMahName Posted February 19, 2017 Share Posted February 19, 2017 3 minutes ago, EmbrACE_it said: Any specific kind you want? I'll send it to space for you. You know my address as I see XD Any Kind! I love any sort of fudge that exists Link to post Share on other sites
EmbrACE_it Posted February 19, 2017 Share Posted February 19, 2017 3 minutes ago, DatsNotMahName said: You know my address as I see XD Any Kind! I love any sort of fudge that exists Me too. XD Link to post Share on other sites
ChewBecka Posted February 19, 2017 Share Posted February 19, 2017 So there is apparently a big thing of queer platonic life partners, which is kinda like being in a relationship but minus all the romance, or maybe like having a snuggle buddy? There are loads of aces out there who are interested in that kind of thing, maybe that would be helpful? Also welcome to AVEN Link to post Share on other sites
Hermit Advocate Posted February 20, 2017 Share Posted February 20, 2017 Most pets make great cuddle buddies. But not goldfish. Link to post Share on other sites
moonnymph Posted February 20, 2017 Share Posted February 20, 2017 On 2/18/2017 at 6:25 PM, ruuua said: It's not a replacement for intimacy, but for me personally I have a teddy that I cuddle sometimes when I'm feeling lonely and it can help a surprising amount. It definitely isn't selfish or needy to want that kind of comfort. Have you tried talking to these people about it? They might be a lot more understanding about it than you think. I do this too. Stuffed animals are great for this. Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbow~Sprinkles Posted February 21, 2017 Share Posted February 21, 2017 I get really lonely at night when everyone's asleep and the house is quiet. Sometimes I place a pillow behind me so I feel like someone is there or I hug a pillow. Link to post Share on other sites
HonoraryJedi Posted February 21, 2017 Share Posted February 21, 2017 On 2017-02-19 at 0:20 AM, rachellee said: I know that if I ask them about spending more time with me, I will feel selfish and needy, and they won't really understand why I need this, but I also don't want to keep feeling this crappy. I recognise this feeling. I call it anxiety. I know on some logical level that my friends care, but when I'm down, it feels like they don't care and that I am just a burden to them. You know what your relationship with your friends is better than I, but I have two suggestions. Either, reach out to the one you feel most comfortable with and say the truth. That you're depressed and feeling lonely and would appreciate having a friend around for a bit*. I think that is the most effective, provided your friends are understanding. The other thing you can do is invite your friends to what would be a pretty normal friend hangout thing to do. I don't know what that is for you. Watch a movie? Game night? Pro, no need to feel needy for asking. Con, they won't know how serious it is for you right now and might not have the information to be properly supportive. *Yeah, this isn't easy. I know this isn't easy and I don't manage myself most of the time. But generally, the effort is worth it. Link to post Share on other sites
kayfaraday Posted February 21, 2017 Share Posted February 21, 2017 I can relate to this. I'm still not clear on whether what I crave is more of a romantic relationship or a QPR (or if I could be happy with either/or). Really, I just want to be best friends with someone and have that be enough. In the meantime, I feel like I'm the "second best friend" to a lot of people and there's something lonely about that. Link to post Share on other sites
All the little Lights Posted February 21, 2017 Share Posted February 21, 2017 Yes, I wanted to say pets too! If you don't have one of your own, go for a walk with your neighbor's dog, or look after your friend's cat, or... I often take a blanket to cuddle. It hangs over my bunk bed, and it is like leaning on someone's shoulder to me. Do you have family members you could cuddle with? If you want to try something new, search a dating app for someone to cuddle ;-) (I'm not sure if it is a good idea, it will probably frustrate you sooner or later) Link to post Share on other sites
Sherlocks Posted February 21, 2017 Share Posted February 21, 2017 On 2/18/2017 at 3:20 PM, rachellee said: Hey guys, So I identify as asexual/demiromantic, and I have been having a really difficult time recently receiving the intimacy I need. Typically, I will do small things like put my feet on someone's lap, sling an arm around them when greeting them, or even something as small as just sit in the same room as them. However, the two people I feel comfortable enough to do this with have both entered into relationships recently, and I have been left by the wayside as a result. I have depression as well, and I am really struggling with the emotional result of not having these comforts. I know that if I ask them about spending more time with me, I will feel selfish and needy, and they won't really understand why I need this, but I also don't want to keep feeling this crappy. Do you guys have any suggestions? I just need a way to spend time with people I am comfortable with, or to cuddle with someone or something, without feeling like an intrusion or a burden. Animals? No one ever shows me any kind of affection which is why I love animals They are so warm and reassuring to me Link to post Share on other sites
c_d Posted February 22, 2017 Share Posted February 22, 2017 it's tough when your friends disappear because of new relationships. open communication and honesty are always the best option. however, if you're not comfortable talling them about your asexuality, be a casual cucumber and text them 'hey! havent seen you in a while, let's hang out' and then type out a smiley face. Link to post Share on other sites
Zile Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 A kitty or a puppy could help if you are in a place in your life to have one. One of my favorite feelings in the world is when my massive cat sleeps beside me while I sleep. Seriously, he's enormous. Link to post Share on other sites
Hermit Advocate Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 1 hour ago, Zile said: A kitty or a puppy could help if you are in a place in your life to have one. One of my favorite feelings in the world is when my massive cat sleeps beside me while I sleep. Seriously, he's enormous. I know exactly what that feels like. My cat is also huge. Link to post Share on other sites
Zile Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 40 minutes ago, Hey you in the corner said: I know exactly what that feels like. My cat is also huge. It's kind of the best thing ever. Link to post Share on other sites
Hermit Advocate Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 1 hour ago, Zile said: It's kind of the best thing ever. Yes it is. Link to post Share on other sites
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