SleepyFox Posted February 18, 2017 Share Posted February 18, 2017 My buddy in single-ness has just started dating; I had this weird reasoning that because she's a year older than me it was okay that I wasn't dating because "there was still time" (which conveniently I could never catch up to because age works like that) But now I'm the oldest in my group and really wanting that sort of close affection again. I'm a bi-romantic ace with social anxiety. The last "date" I went on the guy tried to kiss me unexpectedly and I had a cataplexy attack (sudden temporary paralysis in my leg muscles) out of shock afterwards which lasted like twenty minutes. like I'm aware that nothing will change if I don't do anything, but then there's the overprotective parent (I still live at home) who won't even let me walk home a block at night because something might happen. She would freak if I tried online dating so I can't tell her about any potential dates which increases the social anxiety around dating because the support wouldn't be there and that not even taking into account the fact that I'm invisible to potential date-mates. They assume I'm opposite to whatever orientation they are and therefore not interested and ... help? Link to post Share on other sites
Clumsy Fairy Posted February 18, 2017 Share Posted February 18, 2017 Yikes. This sounds really awkward. You have to forgive me I know how horrid and serious this is for you but the mental image you provided from the mans point of view made me giggle. That would be my first piece of advice here. See the funny side of it. You don't sound that old, so I guess everything is really serious for you at the moment. But it doesn't have to be. I mean I am 41 and going threw the horrors of trying to find someone, and it is one fuck up after another. My next tip is one that works for blokes. I am not sure if it works for women, but I'd give it a go, I mean nothing bad will come from it (oh you don't know that was a pun yet do you<grin>) Masturbate before going on a date, anything that chills you out is a good thing.. Lastly if you are getting a physical panic attack, then talk to your doctor about it. See if they will prescribe you some diazepam or something. I get totally freaked out by a couple of things, and if dating was one of them, I wouldn't hesitate to use it. Af for the parents... Well, dealing with them is all part of the joys of growing up. I'd try communicating with them, but well that didn't work for me, so I did a lot of sneaking about as kid. I left home pretty early though so they were only an issue when I was 16,,, I moved in to a luxury tent and things got better (the luxury part was a joke) .. Take things at your own pace, don't be afraid to ask your doctor for help, and try and have fun, enjoy it all while you can. Link to post Share on other sites
Sunflowerfield Posted February 18, 2017 Share Posted February 18, 2017 Yikes, I would freak out too if a guy tried to kiss me on a first date. I know that's probably normal for a lot of people but I guess I've been sheltered as most guys I've met from online dating sites were either conservative Christians or just extremely shy people who hardly spoke at all! Could you perhaps talk about physical boundaries beforehand, to ensure this doesn't happen again? Maybe something like, "I prefer not to kiss or do anything physical on a first date, as I prefer to take things really slowly and kissing makes me uncomfortable". That sounds perfectly reasonable and normal to me. I wondered, perhaps when you go into a dating situation, could you have a close friend to speak to on the phone right beforehand and right afterwards to help ease the anxiety? It's normal for people to get very nervous when meeting a stranger from an online dating site. A couple of years ago I had a close friend go an online date, and we talked a lot before and after to help her process it as she was quite anxious. As far as anxiety in general, I don't have social anxiety but I have other kinds of anxiety that I'm trying to reduce. I've been trying various relaxation exercises and regular meditation using binaural beats (for some reason binaural beats help me to focus a lot longer than I normally can, as I'm very distractible). Journalling is also very useful for me, and I often share parts of my journal entries with a close friend as part of my processing - and we talk through it together. Anyway, all the best with it! I hope you find a way through these challenges, and eventually find the right person for you. Link to post Share on other sites
chubby turtle Posted February 18, 2017 Share Posted February 18, 2017 I really wish I could help, but I'm in the exact same situation and can't get out myself. But if I make any breakthroughs, I promise to tell you how I did so. Link to post Share on other sites
SleepyFox Posted February 22, 2017 Author Share Posted February 22, 2017 Thanks for the suggestions everyone. It's nice to hear from others in similar situations. yeah, in hindsight my body's last freak out was pretty absurd. You definitely have to laugh at those things with cataplexy (or I would, except that might trigger it, so I'll laugh on the inside instead xD ) Link to post Share on other sites
Sunflowerfield Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 Skyping or talking to the person on the phone before meeting offline can also be useful, as a way of filtering people out who you don't want to meet. It also might mean by the time you actually meet up for coffee or a meal in person, you hopefully won't feel quite so nervous. I've started doing this with people I meet for platonic cuddling as it saves me time/energy. Link to post Share on other sites
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