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romantic and emotional ~


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I have heard people say that aromantics can have "emotional attraction"

 

I have heard people say that aromantics can "want a deep, emotional connection" 

 

 

but... I thought romance is, basically, emotional attraction and connection? experiencing a relationship on an emotional level, often with affirmation and idealization, but not exclusively just those two...

 

 

is there something I am missing - because I'm pretty sure that emotional investment in another individual or in a partnership is romantic. 

 

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Ruru+Saphhy=Garnet

This might help http://aromanticaardvark.tumblr.com/post/25625686403/romantic-relationships-vs-queerplatonic

For me,like the article stated, "Queerplatonic means mixing and matching, saying ' I want to do this platonic thing, and this romantic thing, but not this romantic thing'".

A QPR has no set rule . It is truly in a werid spot. A QPR is something that is more then platonic,but less then romantic. For me a "deep emotional connection" is simply  wanting to be close to someone, simpy having a best friend you would have a bond with. I have heard folks in relationships call their romantic partner their "best friend",which I am fine with,but I simply don't see  romance,for myself anyways, as being "Best friends" I see it as something much more. 

 

For most people,having a deep emotional investment in another individual or in a partnership is romantic. That is true in most cases,and that is okay. But having a deep emotional investment in another individual or partnership doesn't have to be romantic. Hope I didn't cause more confusion :mellow: Sorry of I did ^_^

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I define aromantics as those who don't develop :wub: aka that in-love feeling (limerance)

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Anthracite_Impreza

Emotional connection =/= romantic, otherwise kids and parents would be in romantic relationships.

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Mychemicalqpr

If having an "emotional investment" is romantic, then I have a crush on like... everyone I give a damn about. 

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When I see the word romance, I can somewhat think of something similar, but with the whole physical part which is considered by people (not saying examples, because which person has a different opinion at this). I believe that romance has to come from a really good and strong emotional relationship. That's why I believe that before you engage in a romantic relationship, you should be friends with your partner. You need to have a really strong emotional bond and compability with the partner, that I believe can only be achieved by a really strong friendship berofehand, but of course there is exceptions to this, but in my mind, it works like this. Still, I never had a romantic relationship so I don't know how it really works. 

 

However, it's not just romantic relationships or partnerships that need emotional investment. You also have emotional investment with your family, friends, pets and so on. I strongly believe that two different people which didn't know each other, only feel like they should be friends because they felt the emotional connection and an emotional attraction between them. These two things are what make people continue to interact. But then the initial attraction and connection can increase and therefore turn into something more, such as romantic attraction and then want to change the friendship to the romantic relationship; maintain and you just really want to keep as friends or decreases and even the friendship ends. Because without emotional connection and closeness how can you want to be friends or more with someone? Where would the trust be?

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53 minutes ago, Anthracite_Impreza said:

Emotional connection =/= romantic, otherwise kids and parents would be in romantic relationships.

 

52 minutes ago, twilightstarr said:

If having an "emotional investment" is romantic, then I have a crush on like... everyone I give a damn about. 

why not though? why is romance different? maybe you do have romantic feelings for many many people! maybe many people do! just because some people are special doesn't mean that all of our attention and feelings only happen towards them. I've had a romantic person say that they definitely have romantic feelings for most of their friends, and that they're pretty sure that's common, just not talked about, because it's awk and taboo. romantic status is reserved for your partner, but emotions don't work that way. 

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1 hour ago, Ruru+Saphhy=Garnet said:

I read this article... it's... it makes me wonder. because it goes all " My idea was that queerplatonic relationships were sort of the ‘mix and match’ of relationships, which is why it’s so hard to define and articulate. If you ask twenty aro spectrum people who experience these feelings what this word means, you will get about twenty different answers" but then it goes " With romance, there is a narrative that is generally followed and things that are expected in a romantic relationship."

 

that's like.. that's literally ignorance. Ask twenty different romantic people what romance is, you'll get twenty different answers. 

 

and also it goes all... " Queerplatonic to me means the breaking down of narratives. It means no rules. It means doing, essentially, whatever you are comfortable with.  "

 

so basically. it's what romance is, in the most ideal form of what romance is. true freedom with another person. being as you are, your natural unmasked self, because we can't be that with most strangers and friends. 

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9 minutes ago, Every Red Heart Shines said:

 

why not though? why is romance different? maybe you do have romantic feelings for many many people! maybe many people do! just because some people are special doesn't mean that all of our attention and feelings only happen towards them. I've had a romantic person say that they definitely have romantic feelings for most of their friends, and that they're pretty sure that's common, just not talked about, because it's awk and taboo. romantic status is reserved for your partner, but emotions don't work that way. 

I actually think that I find it hard to focus much on friendships when I'm in a romantic relationship 

 

edit: not that I ever find friendships easy

I just have a limit of social energy so I find it hard to  talk to people much,

and then, a romantic partner is someone that it's easier to talk to, and be comfortable.

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1 minute ago, Every Red Heart Shines said:

I read this article... it's... it makes me wonder. because it goes all " My idea was that queerplatonic relationships were sort of the ‘mix and match’ of relationships, which is why it’s so hard to define and articulate. If you ask twenty aro spectrum people who experience these feelings what this word means, you will get about twenty different answers" but then it goes " With romance, there is a narrative that is generally followed and things that are expected in a romantic relationship."

 

that's like.. that's literally ignorance. Ask twenty different romantic people what romance is, you'll get twenty different answers. 

 

and also it goes all... " Queerplatonic to me means the breaking down of narratives. It means no rules. It means doing, essentially, whatever you are comfortable with.  "

 

so basically. it's what romance is, in the most ideal form of what romance is. true freedom with another person. being as you are, your natural unmasked self, because we can't be that with most strangers and friends. 

I exactly agree with this. Romantic relationships following some narrative is just stereotypes. None of the romantic relationships I've had follow the stereotype. All romantic relationships are different.

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2 minutes ago, Mystic Maya said:

I actually think that I find it hard to focus much on friendships when I'm in a romantic relationship 

IMO all this really means is, that friendship is basically romance, except that friends come and go. and romance is committed. I mean sure it feels more exciting and important... but that's kind of... expected, considering.

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1 minute ago, Every Red Heart Shines said:

IMO all this really means is, that friendship is basically romance, except that friends come and go. and romance is committed. I mean sure it feels more exciting and important... but that's kind of... expected, considering.

I still have friends and value them (the past people who I was in romantic relationships are friends to me still), but it means that I talk to them less than before, spend less time with them, it's a lot different...

I think I always need someone to be closest to, but that person changed (never by my choice...)

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Anthracite_Impreza
43 minutes ago, Every Red Heart Shines said:

 

why not though? why is romance different? maybe you do have romantic feelings for many many people! maybe many people do! just because some people are special doesn't mean that all of our attention and feelings only happen towards them. I've had a romantic person say that they definitely have romantic feelings for most of their friends, and that they're pretty sure that's common, just not talked about, because it's awk and taboo. romantic status is reserved for your partner, but emotions don't work that way. 

Romance is a modern thing. If anything, romance is an altered form of friendship, not the other way around. It's only the pervasive amatonormativity and supremacy that causes us to have this 'issue' with strong friendships in the first place.

 

Also, if we had romantic feelings for everyone what would be the point of having the concept? We have different words because the feelings are different.

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we could pick apart and create billions of words for every emotional experience if we wanted to. We call it romantic attraction because it's "special and different" but really - it isn't special or different. it's the same thing. the difference - is whether we want a relationship, or we want to be solo. 

 

 

YES for you - and for me - and for harry - and for sue - we all look inward and say, "huh, this feeling usually means we've got this emotion going on. and that feeling means we've got that emotion going on! this must be a pattern, and wow ! my feelings are so rich and diverse! look at me, I can split the atoms apart!" 

 

and then it leads to a chain reaction of rules and laws to adhere to, and we become this complex neurotic animal who thinks it's smart and special and unique. 

 

 

 

the only true way to label an emotion - is without any words, or logical thought or anything. just experiencing the emotion as it is - without trying to explain it or understand it - just to directly experience it as authentically as we can. and EVERY emotion we ever feel will be unique. 

 

 

 

but we can't talk about things with raw experience. that's not possible. we need words - AKA labels - to do that. we notice patterns and use those patterns to derive meaning. That is the point of having the concept, and using the words. creating constructs to manipulate as tools. so when we say that "romance is different than QPR's" we're - being manipulative. it's a literal lie. They are not that different. well, they are different - so different they aren't even trully alike their own selves. every friendship is unique. every romance is unique. there is no such thing as "romantic attraction" - there is just a certain level of liking others, which we use to tell ourselves that someone is important. AKA - wanting to be in a relationship. Wanting significance in one relationship or a small few over others. 

 

 

 

but let's all be rebels and say - "I don't want a big wedding and a soulmate and to fall in love - so I'm not romantic [unlike all those other fools]" 

 

like it or not, that is what is said when someone defends the pursuit of a QPR. QPR is just another word for romantic relationship. if the individual relationship needs that mask to function, then good for them, I'm truly truly happy that they've got a nice boat and it's floating on. But that's the individuals - not the damn culture. And the reality of the culture is - proliferating the idea that romance isn't emotional attraction or emotional bonding - we're prettymuch setting ourselves up for ridicule and "ignorance" - we're the ones being goddamn ignorant lmao. 

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One of the biggest differences then is how one chooses to label the relationship.

Often if I read descriptions of QPR, I think that if I had that relationship I would consider it romantic.

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5 minutes ago, Every Red Heart Shines said:

we could pick apart and create billions of words for every emotional experience if we wanted to. We call it romantic attraction because it's "special and different" but really - it isn't special or different. it's the same thing. the difference - is whether we want a relationship, or we want to be solo. 

 

 

YES for you - and for me - and for harry - and for sue - we all look inward and say, "huh, this feeling usually means we've got this emotion going on. and that feeling means we've got that emotion going on! this must be a pattern, and wow ! my feelings are so rich and diverse! look at me, I can split the atoms apart!" 

 

and then it leads to a chain reaction of rules and laws to adhere to, and we become this complex neurotic animal who thinks it's smart and special and unique. 

 

 

 

the only true way to label an emotion - is without any words, or logical thought or anything. just experiencing the emotion as it is - without trying to explain it or understand it - just to directly experience it as authentically as we can. and EVERY emotion we ever feel will be unique. 

 

 

 

but we can't talk about things with raw experience. that's not possible. we need words - AKA labels - to do that. we notice patterns and use those patterns to derive meaning. That is the point of having the concept, and using the words. creating constructs to manipulate as tools. so when we say that "romance is different than QPR's" we're - being manipulative. it's a literal lie. They are not that different. well, they are different - so different they aren't even trully alike their own selves. every friendship is unique. every romance is unique. there is no such thing as "romantic attraction" - there is just a certain level of liking others, which we use to tell ourselves that someone is important. AKA - wanting to be in a relationship. Wanting significance in one relationship or a small few over others. 

 

 

 

but let's all be rebels and say - "I don't want a big wedding and a soulmate and to fall in love - so I'm not romantic [unlike all those other fools]" 

 

like it or not, that is what is said when someone defends the pursuit of a QPR. QPR is just another word for romantic relationship. if the individual relationship needs that mask to function, then good for them, I'm truly truly happy that they've got a nice boat and it's floating on. But that's the individuals - not the damn culture. And the reality of the culture is - proliferating the idea that romance isn't emotional attraction or emotional bonding - we're prettymuch setting ourselves up for ridicule and "ignorance" - we're the ones being goddamn ignorant lmao. 

I have to say I concord with what you said.

 

Before finding AVEN, I lived my life without much thought on feelings and emotions. I never really had thought about this, so finding this forum blown my mind. I didn't know that people were so affected with stuff like this.

 

I also don't really understand why everything has to be labeled too. To me attraction is attraction, I believe it will all feel the same and what changes the attraction is what you want from it, the outcome of your attraction, be it satisfaction just from staring at someone, touching someone, being friends with someone, being in a romantic relationship with someone and so on. 

 

About romance, I can't deny emotional attraction and bounding, like I said before, in my previous post in this thread. I believe they are the driving forces for most of our relationships with others, but that doesn't mean you are in a romantic relationship or have romantic feelings for everyone. I believe also that love feels the same be it romantic or platonic. The feeling, emotion must be the same, what changes the two is the things you want to accomplish in each case and the relationship you desire in each case. Because, both are an emotion, how can it feel different inherently? Maybe it's the intensity that changes and makes them so different, I don't know. 

 

(Still I can't really have a true stance in this, because I never really had any relationship that could be seen as romantic and never had feelings strong enough to desire one.) 

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I heard the phrase like "home is not a place, it's someone"...

So to me a romantic partner is someone I want to feel "at home" with... 

(I don't know how to express this thought well, sorry)

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Anthracite_Impreza

No, not all people in QPRs say they don't like mushy stuff so they're still aro; that's applying a blanket statement to a hell of a lot of people. Some might consider me in a QPR or romantic relationship, based on their assumptions, but I know my feelings best so I get to decide what to call it (if anything, which I don't anymore).

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Ruru+Saphhy=Garnet
1 hour ago, Anthracite_Impreza said:

but I know my feelings best so I get to decide what to call it (if anything, which I don't anymore).

Exactly.

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I'm emotionally invested in my friends, but I don't have romantic feelings for them. And I often meet people who I very strongly want to be friends with. So.... what's your question?

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