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Romantic arousal? . . .


Planet Ace

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Hey everyone, 

 

So I've had this idea rattling around in my head for the past few days, so I thought I'd put it up here and see what you think of it. You know how you can be asexual and still have a libido, can still get aroused (whether by visual stimuli or touch), watch porn, masturbate, have and enjoy sex, all without actually feeling sexual attraction/desire? Like, having/doing none of those things invalidates one's asexuality? Well, I've been wondering sort if there's an aromantic equivalent. A romance drive, if you will, without any true romantic attraction or desire. After all, to the untrained eye, sexual arousal can be mistaken for a desire for sex, but we know better here on AVEN. 

 

For example, I can watch/read and enjoy romantic stories (porn equivalent?), and get an emotional aww! reaction from it, but I don't seem to have any real desire for it myself. I would label myself aromantic, only I have had a very small handful of crushes on a few guys over the years (the rest of the time I never feel like the need or desire for a romantic relationship). Maybe crush isn't the right word, perhaps infatuation would be better. Anyway, on rare occasions I'll come into contact with someone and I'll like them, and think, "oh, maybe I should ask them out," but then I never do. Another part of my mind swings into action with all these reasons for why that would be a bad idea, and I pull away and don't pursue it. After a short time, the feeling fades and disappears, like it never existed, and does not return for that person. Sort of like how sexual arousal goes away on its own if you ignore it. I kinda wish I didn't get these seemingly random flare-ups of infatuation (seriously, there is not much pattern to it that I can discern), because it's very confusing to me. 

 

It's also possible that I might be lithromantic, but I have no way of knowing, having never actually dated any of them. I do know that having romantic feelings directed towards me from others produces a very lithromantic reaction in me, it's upsetting to me and I've turned every single person ever to ask me out (a very small number). But again, can't be sure because there has been no overlap between the people I've had crushes on and the people who've had crushes on me. 

 

So, what do you think? Is it possible to to be an aromantic with a kind of romance drive who occasionally experiences romantic arousals that doesn't invalidate aromanticism, or do you think I'm just lithromantic and over thinking things? I know, no one's allowed to label me but myself, but I would appreciate any and all insight and opinions you can offer. Has anyone experienced the same thing, or know what I'm talking about? Is there already a word for this that I just haven't come across yet? Let me know!

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there's no need to break it down this precisely. or rather, trying to break it down like this is over-complicating what is important. 

 

what is important is - do you expect or intend to be in a romantic relationship, or instead to go life solo? 

 

and if you really want to know - then go out there and meet new people. 

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Yeah, I'm aware I'm probably overanalyzing this, but that's allowed, isn't it? Especially in aro/ace spaces. :) All I'm trying to do is understand myself a little better, why I sometimes feel certain ways at certain times. This is important to me. If I was trying to figure out if I was asexual or not, would you say to me, "it doesn't matter if you are or aren't, what's important is whether you plan on having sex with anyone or not"? No, you probably wouldn't. And if you did, you would be wrong: it does matter, a great deal. It's the difference between feeling confused and broken or feeling whole and free. 

 

Maybe you personally don't feel the need to break it down so precisely, and that's completely fine. I won't make you. Really, I won't, I promise! But I do, and that's why I asked the question. I really do want to hear yours and other's opinion on the matter! I'll make up my own mind on the subject, but I would still greatly appreciate other's input. ;) 

 

But thank you for the advice, perhaps I will try dating to find out. It seems backwards to me, like I should know if I want romance or not before I start dating, not start dating to figure out whether or not I want romance, but maybe that's just how it works for everyone, aromantic or not. 

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Anthracite_Impreza

Romanticism is somewhat different to sexuality, it's more about the capacity to experience romantic feelings than anything else. Experiencing crushes is a romantic thing, if they're rare it would be some type of grey-romanticism (in which lithro is included).

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25 minutes ago, Planet Ace said:

It seems backwards to me, like I should know if I want romance or not before I start dating, not start dating to figure out whether or not I want romance

The issue I see: Do you know if when and where you start dating?!?  <- When I went on online or newspaper add scheduled dates they were on the "sniffing each other" stage to start with. You have an evening or afternoon out with somebody and either you click romantically or you know: **'s cafe serve delicious cake, I'll go there another time again.

 

I really met people I didn't want romance with.

& I guess: I could meet somebody who would convince me that I want romance in general. Right now I don't seek it.

Let it slide into your life, step back think and realize what your feelings about it are.

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like, yeah, if you know you don't want to have sex and don't want to date. then don't. but if you find yourself trying to figure it out in your head and you don't have the answer - you're not going to find it unless you go out and experience

 

 

it's like saying you can build a building using only cement, but no rebar. You can do it - but only if you're building something maybe 20 feet tall, max. You need both if you want to build a skyscraper. 

 

in fact you already understand this lol - 

 

6 hours ago, Planet Ace said:

It's also possible that I might be lithromantic, but I have no way of knowing, having never actually dated any of them.

 

 

 

6 hours ago, Planet Ace said:

You know how you can be asexual and still have a libido, can still get aroused (whether by visual stimuli or touch), watch porn, masturbate, have and enjoy sex, all without actually feeling sexual attraction/desire? Like, having/doing none of those things invalidates one's asexuality?

there are multiple fallacies in this section. Sexual arousal during sex IS a form of sexual attraction/desire. The nomenclature "sexual attraction" and "sexual desire" attempt to seperate a threshold of attraction/desire that is necessary for it to matter.  People think that orientations are boxable and black annd white. it's not. it's - yes, it's a spectrum. what this means is that most people AREN'T asexual OR sexual - most people are somewhere in the middle, and choose the best box to fit them. This means that - labels aren't validated or invalidated by anything. Labels are literally the clothes you pick out of the closet and wear. Throw them away and be naked if you want to truly be yourself. as long as you wear them, you are covering yourself with a mask and a facade. Obviously we wear clothes because of cultural expectation and to protect from the elements. LAbels are the same! 

additionally, asexuals having a libido, getting aroused by visual stimulation or closeness, watching porn, masturbating, having and enjoying sex. these are are of, or relating to, sex. it doesn't matter how you define asexuality, attraction, or desire - these things are all by the definition of sexual - "of or relating to sex" - sexual. so it is weird when an asexual does any of these things. Obviously, many asexuals do some of these things - and the reason they all know they're asexual prettymuch boils down to - they prefer to be in a life that does not have sex in it. even if it's an asexual who "doesn't care whether they had sex or didn't" if all things were equal, they wouldn't. and anyway - it's much more meaningful for an asexual who enjoys sex to the point where they have it by the partner's request pretty regularly - just go by grey. it saves you headaches. 

 

 

6 hours ago, Planet Ace said:

For example, I can watch/read and enjoy romantic stories (porn equivalent?), and get an emotional aww! reaction from it, but I don't seem to have any real desire for it myself. I would label myself aromantic,

this isn't that uncommon in the romantic community. cute adorable people being cute and adorable, is cute and adorable. if you aren't romance-repulsed, you're gonna find touching things touching (usually - not everyone, romantic or aromantic, finds touching things touching, some are coldhearted and that's totes cool and OK) 

 

 

6 hours ago, Planet Ace said:

 I have had a very small handful of crushes on a few guys over the years

this is literally romance

 

6 hours ago, Planet Ace said:

Maybe crush isn't the right word, perhaps infatuation would be better.

still romance. peeps like to say a squish is different from a crush. it isn't. it's the same thing. the difference is that aromantic people don't want a romantic relationship. and romantic doesn't mean "lovey dovey flowers happily ever after soul mate woo celibrations and ridiculous weddings" that is just the cultural simulacrum that becomes the most successful. 

 

6 hours ago, Planet Ace said:

"oh, maybe I should ask them out," but then I never do.

nobody ever does really. it's one of the most common connundrums with dating. either - the person wants to be asked out, not do the asking. or - they're too shy, or fear rejection. or - they don't really have interest too unless a friendship has been developing. or many other reasons. 

 

6 hours ago, Planet Ace said:

After a short time, the feeling fades and disappears, like it never existed, and does not return for that person.  kinda wish I didn't get these seemingly random flare-ups of infatuation 

 

so - the feeling was there. 

 

6 hours ago, Planet Ace said:

So, what do you think? Is it possible to to be an aromantic with a kind of romance drive who occasionally experiences romantic arousals that doesn't invalidate aromanticism, or do you think I'm just lithromantic and over thinking things?

I find labels to be labels, not direct existence and experience. who you are is some weird phenomena of sensations, thought, awareness, and physical form. you are neither aromantic, nor lithromantic, nor romantic. 

 

IMO lith probably is a decent word for you to use to communicate to others what you experience - but understand that no matter what, what ever label you choose is not you 

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2 hours ago, Planet Ace said:

. If I was trying to figure out if I was asexual or not, would you say to me, "it doesn't matter if you are or aren't, what's important is whether you plan on having sex with anyone or not"?

yes I would. people who don't know for sure that they don't want sex? if they want to know, they need to have it. I don't care if that sounds rude. if I tell someone "go have sex if you want to know" and lo and behold - they never go and have sex. what do you think the problem is - that my test was faulty, or that they were too daft to figure out that they in reality,, just don't want it?????

 

2 hours ago, Planet Ace said:

It's the difference between feeling confused and broken or feeling whole and free. 

that difference is letting go. literally. letting go. this is what I'm trying to suggest. let go. you say you love overanalyzing - I do too. it's called overanalyzing for a goddamn reason. we're obsessing - we aren't being whole and free, we're our own jail and warden. it doesn't really matter if we like doing this or not - but we will never be free as long as we hold on. and that's - thats perfectly ok. True freedom is not the freedom that most humans desire. I don't want True freedom, and I don't think you do either. Just, don't fool yourself into thinking that you're "whole" and "free" because literally - no human is either of those things in the end of it. there's more they could be, and they could be more unrestrained. always. there is a destiny - but we only have the journey. perfection is a pipe dream. 

 

2 hours ago, Planet Ace said:

It seems backwards to me, like I should know if I want romance or not before I start dating,

well, do you? you don't know. do you even know what romance is? feel free to tell me - it won't be romance. romance is, literally, being with a person, experiencing it, first-hand. no definition is romance. all definitions are just definitions. ask 20 different rom's what they like about romance -you'll get 20 different answers. if you're lucky there will be some similarity - but if you're like anyone else, which we all are lol, you'll probably make the mistake of focusing on that pattern as if it is 100%, and discarding the rest because it's distracting from your rich inner world. that's literal ignorance in its budding stage. 

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1 hour ago, Anthracite_Impreza said:

Romanticism is somewhat different to sexuality, it's more about the capacity to experience romantic feelings than anything else. Experiencing crushes is a romantic thing, if they're rare it would be some type of grey-romanticism (in which lithro is included).

Yes, that is true, I know. My understanding is that there is an emotional component to sexual attraction as well, though. If it was a purely physical thing, asexuality probably would not exist in its current form. That said, I think you are most likely correct about me experiencing crushes at all probably puts me in the grey area some where. Thanks for your input!

 

2 hours ago, Busrider said:

The issue I see: Do you know if when and where you start dating?!?  <- When I went on online or newspaper add scheduled dates they were on the "sniffing each other" stage to start with. You have an evening or afternoon out with somebody and either you click romantically or you know: **'s cafe serve delicious cake, I'll go there another time again.

 

I really met people I didn't want romance with.

& I guess: I could meet somebody who would convince me that I want romance in general. Right now I don't seek it.

Let it slide into your life, step back think and realize what your feelings about it are.

Do you mean would I know if I was on a dating someone or not? I would hope so, but I know not everyone's always on the same page when it comes to relationship status, so I could see that being an issue. 

 

I don't seek out romance either. Are you saying that I could date a lot for years and never click with anyone, but still have the potential to fall for somebody, that I'm aro or gray-aro until proven demi? That makes sense, I suppose. I'm trying to step back and figure out my feelings now, so thanks for helping out!

 

 

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Anthracite_Impreza

IMO if you have no desire to try out dating that's a fair sign you're aro or grey. If you do feel differently later you haven't lost anything by not engaging in relationships you weren't interested in.

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Thank you, @Every Red Heart Shines. That is more the kind of response I was hoping to get! You have given me a great deal to think about, and that is much more helpful to me than just telling me not to over complicate things and dismissing my questions as trivial.

 

I don't necessarily agree with everything you said, and that's a-ok. I never expected to agree with everyone's opinions; I just wanted to hear them. It helps to hear what other people think on a subject when you are trying to understand it and form your own opinion (or at least I find it helpful). And I appreciate you taking the time to answer my questions and give me your honest opinion, I really do. 

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4 hours ago, Planet Ace said:

I don't seek out romance either. Are you saying that I could date a lot for years and never click with anyone, but still have the potential to fall for somebody, that I'm aro or gray-aro until proven demi? That makes sense, I suppose. I'm trying to step back and figure out my feelings now, so thanks for helping out!

Oops!

I'm not sure what to consider dating to start with if it is speed dating like; like lunch on Tuesdays and Thursdays with randomly selected strangers, yes! that could go on for a long while until I might end clicking. But there is another issue: Imagine somebody enters your life, as a co-worker / -student, dancing- jogging- tennis- travel partner (one of these functions!) Why would you need to grow romantic feelings on them at first sight? - It might happen later for which reason ever. Second glimpse attraction exists.

But: I mean you should sort out feelings once you 'll have somebody in your life and in reach for real. - Not pondering romance in general while ogling Clark Gable on your TV screen.

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NoLongerActive1234

Grey romantic sounds as if it would suit you better than aromantic since you do experience crushes on rare occasions (especially since you seem sure of that it is infatuations and not just admiration or a squish) and of course you could be demiromantic but you wouldn't know until it happens-if it were to. It is possible because it takes more closeness for demis to evoke their romantic feelings and that comes with knowing the other person more-being friends first. It would explain how your crushes never went anywhere as I assume it wasn't people you really knew well? Plus you never wanted to pursue it. 
With if you could be lithromantic, yeah that is hard to say as well indeed because it isn't so odd that you'd feel uncomfortable with those who asked you out. It makes sense since you did not feel the same in return. Maybe asking yourself this question could be of help in determining it: imagine that one of your crushes had asked you out would you then have felt repulsed by the idea as well?
Even if you are a romantic asexual of some form though it doesn't mean that it would have to correlate with wanting a romantic relationship. It should only be what you want for yourself in your life, all options are fine! 

Hope these thoughts help out in some way. :)

 

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3 hours ago, Busrider said:

Why would you need to grow romantic feelings on them at first sight? - It might happen later for which reason ever. Second glimpse attraction exists.

But: I mean you should sort out feelings once you 'll have somebody in your life and in reach for real. - Not pondering romance in general while ogling Clark Gable on your TV screen.

I wouldn't need to feel romantically attracted at first sight, no. And thank you for clarifying. :)

 

Also, while Clark Gable is pretty fine, my personal preference would be for Cary Grant, if I was only allowed to choose old Hollywood actors to be involved with romantically. :wub: Anyone here seen Arsenic and Old Lace

 

3 hours ago, MistySpring said:

It is possible because it takes more closeness for demis to evoke their romantic feelings and that comes with knowing the other person more-being friends first. It would explain how your crushes never went anywhere as I assume it wasn't people you really knew well? Plus you never wanted to pursue it. 

Only one, once. But it was clear to me that he wasn't interested in that kind of relationship with me, that he just enjoyed being my friend (he told me this himself, and no, it wasn't something had I asked. I also suspect him of being acespec as well). So, since I too was satisfied with our relationship as it stood, I saw no reason to attempt to alter it and make him uncomfortable and possibly jeopardize our friendship in the process. That crush faded away too. We are friends still. 

 

3 hours ago, MistySpring said:

Even if you are a romantic asexual of some form though it doesn't mean that it would have to correlate with wanting a romantic relationship. It should only be what you want for yourself in your life, all options are fine! 

Hope these thoughts help out in some way. :)

Thanks for this. I knew this, but it was very well put and it's good to be reminded of it from time to time. :) Yes, you've helped a lot!

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