Why did you really join AVEN and have you achieved your goals?

[chair jockey]

The Alice Munro short story was about a bitterly tragic romance, one of the best tragic romances of the 20th century. I wish I could remember the name of the story, biut it's not elevant here. What's relevant is that the female protagonist had a lifelong male friend who is briefly metnioned as "must be asexual." That's it, no elaboration or further references or direct explanations of what the word means. I was so engrossed in the story that my eyes just slid over that word, but i think deep down I know I had found something. So it happened that, some time latter, I was pissing around aimlessly on the computer and happened to want to google the word "asexual" mostly to pass the time. The rest is history.

[deactivated account]

 

1 hour ago, Diamond, Ace of Hearts said:

My goal was to meet some people and make friends. It hasn't really happened yet because I don't like online chats and I never feel particularly comfortable commenting on threads either, I often feel like I'm boring people. I usually read most of the stuff that's on here and it makes me feel like I'm hanging out with you guys but obviously if I don't comment, you won't know it so I feel closer to everyone else but half the people don't even know I'm here yet. So as yet I have not achieved my goal(s) because my lack of energy for social interaction extends even to online forums, apparently. I'm still here because I'd like to think my goal is achievable one day.

mhm i guess we're in a similar boat group online chats and busy threads can be overwhelming. :3 i'm glad you commented on here at least

 

1 hour ago, Diamond, Ace of Hearts said:

should anyone care

sure i care, i made this for the stories *sips tea* 

 

1 hour ago, Diamond, Ace of Hearts said:

Well, there was attraction on my side, anyway, I don't know about hers. We got on great throughout training for the new job and the longer it went on the more serious my feelings got and the harder it became to let anyone know what I am. Eventually I retreated back into the closet and buckled up for the next instalment of "Dan messes up a potential relationship because he's too damn scared."

:/ hmnn i can only imagine it to be extremely difficult to tell everyone about your asexuality. it is generally a scary thing since reactions to it are completely unpredictable. most people not knowing what it is puts a huge burden on you to explain everything while trying not to cause anyone confusion or misunderstandings. I would've done the same thing tbh.

 

1 hour ago, Diamond, Ace of Hearts said:

Eventually I couldn't withstand the feels alone any more so in search of support and sympathy I told one of my other colleagues first that I have feelings for ... "someone" ... and then that I wasn't sure I was straight. He straight up ignored me sort-of coming out and doesn't seem to understand romantic attraction in the same way I do and is frustratingly useless as a confidante when it comes to matters of the heart. I've got a few friends who I knew I could count on for understanding the attraction side of it, but no-one I knew could be guaranteed to sympathise with ace part of it. Well, that's not 100% true. I had one friend who I thought would be able to understand but before I could come out she cut me out of her life for reasons too complicated to get into right now.

 

So - in need of a shoulder to cry on about the loss of my friend, my identity issues and my unrequited romantic feelings - I joined whisper, firstly for the anonymity and secondly because I recalled a buzzfeed article from years ago that listed posts in the asexual group on there, which meant I knew there would be a community waiting for me. I enjoyed the app but there wasn't really anyone to pour my heart out to properly, so I knew I'd end up here eventually. Then my phone died and I decided to give AVEN a go.

 

I'm still looking for a confidante. Now I think real life will be a better place to look than online but I don't make friends very easily so it's not going to be an easy search either way. Meanwhile my romantic interest seems to be losing what little interest she had in me, my new job is getting less enjoyable by the day, my colleagues seem more distant and I'm still not over my best friend dumping me over what I'm sure was a misunderstanding. AVEN helps me forget all this for a little while every day, so even if I'm not as active as I'd like, I can't stop coming back.

it is quite a pain for people to respond in such a limiting way. And romantic attraction.. i guess, is a bit complex. it really depends on what an individual classes as romance. I doubt it's a common thing for Allos to deeply consider. In movies the "romance" genre isn't exactly asexual. i'd understand where the confusion came from i never really understood romance to be separate from sex until i kinda integrated into this community. :/ sorry that your friend left.

I saw some Buzzed whisper videos that had some Ace references, i did really want to join for that reason, but i guess i was too busy with exams or something, though it does sound like a one sided app which is a bit of a downer.

It's always nice to have someone to talk to about this kinda stuff. making Asexual friends in real life is close to impossible unless you're extremely verbal about the subject. (I guess Ace meet ups would break the first barrier of uncertainty ^^ people would know what you were talking about... but i'm not much of a group person, it sounds rather intimidating to meet up with a group of strangers)

have you considered looking for a new job? The thought of having to keep going back to a place to do work you don't enjoy sounds like a mental prison. It reminds me of A levels >< I hope work gets better. ^^ you'll have to let me know if it does.

i can't stop coming back to aven either. it's rather homely (and purple is a great colour X3)
thanks for replying anyway.

[deactivated account]

1 hour ago, Icelime said:

I joined because of boredom 

(-u-)b hope yer boredom got cured!!

[deactivated account]

39 minutes ago, chair jockey said:

The Alice Munro short story was about a bitterly tragic romance, one of the best tragic romances of the 20th century. I wish I could remember the name of the story, biut it's not elevant here. What's relevant is that the female protagonist had a lifelong male friend who is briefly metnioned as "must be asexual." That's it, no elaboration or further references or direct explanations of what the word means. I was so engrossed in the story that my eyes just slid over that word, but i think deep down I know I had found something. So it happened that, some time latter, I was pissing around aimlessly on the computer and happened to want to google the word "asexual" mostly to pass the time. The rest is history.

i wish you could remember it too, i've been meaning to get back properly into reading. it is still rather random that the word casually resurfaced in your mind ^^ asexual is an odd word.

[deactivated account]

1 hour ago, Scott1989 said:

And yeah if I rememeber a response to my welcome lounge post when I joined, hearing that AVEN seems to have a few people who aren't forum people. Who knows, someday I may build up to talking on the chat too 

hehe i never really posted in the welcome lounge if i remember correctly? (or maybe i did XD) heh. the chat is like icy water. You dip your toe in a few times and either bail or keep going until you're comfortable with the temperature.

Group chats are not really my forte but there are some fun people in there ^^ i recommend you saying hi at least. then if you're stuck for questions "what are you up to?"/"how was your day?" are pretty reasonable ice breakers

maybe pop in when there are less people ^^ ?

[Busrider]

What made you join AVEN? I did just break up with my Ex and googled "not interested in sex" or similar and ended here. - No clue if the forum looked nice or what tempted me exactly.
Did you have any goals? "Looking surely for infotainment and maybe friends too" as claimed in profile.
were/weren't they achieved? - I'm having fun when I'm on here.
why?
why are you still here? - Why not? - Where else to go? + Blame AVEN's awesome mods!

[Grumpy Alien]

Joined because I thought I was asexual and stayed because I'm addicted. 

[FemmeFalconer]

3 hours ago, Diamond, Ace of Hearts said:

I also have this problem. You should stick around, we can be introverted AVEN-newbie buddies.
 

 

I'm still looking for a confidante. Now I think real life will be a better place to look than online but I don't make friends very easily so it's not going to be an easy search either way. Meanwhile my romantic interest seems to be losing what little interest she had in me, my new job is getting less enjoyable by the day, my colleagues seem more distant and I'm still not over my best friend dumping me over what I'm sure was a misunderstanding. AVEN helps me forget all this for a little while every day, so even if I'm not as active as I'd like, I can't stop coming back.

I like the idea of introverted AVEN-newbie buddies.

 

Real life is always ideal in finding new people to connect with, but lately it doesn't seem realistic. At least on my end. I have friends, but not super close friends. I grew up with one of my friends from like age 6 (I'm 28 this year) and she sometimes acts like she doesn't know me. But I love her nonetheless and I'm stuck with her haha.

 

I'm sorry about your current situation, but I'm glad this site helps take your mind off things.

[FemmeFalconer]

3 hours ago, AndyAce said:

ugh yeah, now i'm 19 conversations about sex pop up with non religious people. i feel it's only going to get more frequent as i grow older >< i'm not disgusted by it (on some levels) there are just an infinite amount of other things to talk about ><

yeah, group discussions are kinda hard to join, as well as busy forums. making your own kinds gets you past that first hurdle.
and we (as humans) usually over think things. I should probably try taking my own advice, but just do what makes you comfortable. ^^ butting in can be one of the best decisions you've made in x amount of time

I'm actually surprised by how much sex talk is around. Granted I work at a preschool so you would think it is nonexistent, but nope... I only hope when I'm in my career after graduating the conversations will be a lot easier and more interesting. Other than my friends, I don't remember too many people having conversations about sex when I was 19.

 

Well, I tend to always over think things. Not so much anymore because I have too many other things that have to occupy my mind... Like studying but this discussion post has turned out interesting so good job on your part for starting it

[CrochetFool]

Why did I join? Well...I was always the "frigid" girl who was waiting for marriage. Honestly, the first time I learned about sex my immediate thought was, "He puts what WHERE?!? B-but, he pees through that!" In fact, I was secretly terrified about how I would manage on my wedding night.

 

About...12-14 years ago, I was reading a discussion on LiveJournal and one of the commenters off-handedly mentioned being asexual. It felt like I'd been hit by lightning. I knew that word described me. I did a Google search and found AVEN, but was too shy to join at the time. I hung around LiveJournal's asexual communities and just tried to get to know myself better.

 

When LJ really started to decline, I finally joined AVEN under another name (shoot, I need to ask to have the profiles merged) hoping to make some friends. At the very least, I wanted to connect with others like me so I wouldn't feel so "broken." Way too many people IRL didn't believe me or thought I was being dramatic. Then, life happened and I was away for a few years. When I tried to return, I had to make a whole new account because I couldn't remember my old password and couldn't access that email anymore.

 

Within a couple of months of my return, I met the man who is now my husband. No, I wasn't expecting that! I've also made some friends I love dearly. Even the people I don't know well are kind of like "family" in a weird way.

 

So basically, came for the community and stayed...for the community.

 

Oh, and @AndyAce or the other newcomers--feel free to PM me.  I'm always up for helping people or just a chat.

[deactivated account]

4 hours ago, FemmeFalconer said:

Other than my friends, I don't remember too many people having conversations about sex when I was 19.

 

Well, I tend to always over think things. Not so much anymore because I have too many other things that have to occupy my mind... Like studying but this discussion post has turned out interesting so good job on your part for starting it

XD really? darn, but i guess the newer generations are getting more into sex, whether that be verbal discussion or the intimacy of it. My friends nieces and nephews (13-16) are already having boy/girlfriends and being intimate with them if not considering it. which is shocking and not shocking to me. i had one friend when i was 12 that was like that.

and thank you aww 

[Adam_Jensen]

I joined because this is the only place on the internet where being an asexual doesn't automaticaly ostracize you,I stayed because the users in here (the majority atleast) are mature,polite and helpful which is a rare thing to say about a forum.

[deactivated account]

3 hours ago, CrochetFool said:

In fact, I was secretly terrified about how I would manage on my wedding night.

same here. i, however, concluded to never get married to avoid sex. I was so defeated once i figured out people do it for fun haha, i'd call it werd but i keep forgetting that i am the minority in this situation.
 

 

3 hours ago, CrochetFool said:

About...12-14 years ago, I was reading a discussion on LiveJournal and one of the commenters off-handedly mentioned being asexual. It felt like I'd been hit by lightning. I knew that word described me.

ah, i'm so jealous, i can't remember when i first figured out what the word meant at all. even though it was probably 4-5 years ago. '^' that's always a fun memory

 

[HonoraryJedi]

I found this place a fair while ago when I considering the label asexual and tried to understand it. I remember being frustrated about the loose definitions that focused on how you could still be asexual even if you kind of enjoyed sex (which is a completely different situation from my aversion), and it was all about 'feeling sexual attraction' which I didn't even know what it meant at the time (and was not certain it applied to me). It wasn't until I found the more specified term 'autochorisexual' that I actually understood that, yes, I can belong here.

 

I joined notably later hoping to get help with a specific situation more about the romantic-spectrum side of things. I found myself starting to have feelings for a good friend that I didn't know if they were romantic or not. I guessed that they were, considering the amount of time I spent thinking about him, and so when he asked me out, I accepted. I then immediately started feeling uncomfortable with the situation, even though it was pretty much what I wanted before. This confused me and I came here for advice. 

 

In the end I decided that my discomfort was answer enough and broke things off before causing a greater rift than necessary in our very good and close friendship. But being here, and seeing that other people are similar to me, and hearing different points of views has helped me in general, I think^^ So I've been sticking around.

[Kimmie.]

I had heard of the label somewhere and feelt that parts of it fits me. But i could not find answers om some of my questions until i found this place and

I joind because i wanted some answers on a couple of questions that i dident get by just reading others posts. So i joind asked those questions got an answer. And i probably would have left if it was not for some other awesome people here. 

 

And i am still here beacuse of all the suportive people that have similar experiences that i have. That makes me feel that i actually fits in somewhere. I have learned so much here and met people that have basically changed my life in the good way.

[J. van Deijck]

I wanted to be the king, goal achieved.

[Topi]

My story of how I found AVEN is kind of funny. 

 

So, I have an addiction of reading fanfiction. Normally, it's the normal kind with sex and romance and all that, but in one of them appeared a term I had never heard of, which was demisexual. I decided to read the story and later search for the term to better understand what it was about. After some search, I found asexuality and AVEN. I started to read the forums, just because it was so different and interesting and a few weeks later I joined AVEN. Not because of me being asexual (that's still in question and will stay until I think so), but because AVEN is like a whole new world and that's fascinating in some way.

 

My goals in joining AVEN were learn more about a thing I had never heard of, but what I gained was so much more. I found people that think like me or very similarly and a place where I can play games and share my thoughts and feelings, my experiences and also lots of amazing people who play along with me in these games. Of course I also learned a lot about the comunity and can have also some critiques about it. I also learned so much about all this topics I had never really thought about and knew existed.

 

AVEN has been super fun to me, until now. Still, I have only been around daily for like two months, so that can change in the future and most of the time in the forums Just For Fun and AVEN Arcade, but sometimes I visit the other forums as well and have very interesting readings and sometimes also share stuff. AVEN helps me with my boredom mostly and entertains me.

 

 

 

 

[The little ace one]

Joined because i was confused and wanted answers. Had been reading on AVEN for quite some time and I forced myself to join, mainly because i knew i would be too shy to actually post in the forums but i wanted to meet people that felt like me and somehow could help me. And the only way i could do that was to join so i could PM people.

 

Did i achieve my goal? Yes. I have met some lovely people and i've become more sure of my sexuality. I also have gotten the courage to post in the forums too.

 

I stay because i love the community and the people on here.

[ChillaKilla]

I joined because aromanticism is a thing, and I know Arocalypse is also a thing but it's relatively lifeless. Also seeing the gender forum existed was a plus.

[fuzzipueo]

What made you join AVEN?

Shortly after I turned 39, I read romance novels for the first time. I'd been avoiding them for years, mostly because they did not appeal and actually trigger a knee-jerk reaction in my brain (as in "no way in H*** would I ever do that"), but one day I wanted something different to read and wound up on an Amazon Forum thread offering suggestions for new things to read. Long story short: my reactions to m/f romance was enough for me to go looking for answers. A new friend pointed me in a new direction and I wound up here. (I have since switched over to m/m romance which does not trigger the knee-jerk reaction and now that there are asexual romances coming out, it's soooo much better).

Did you have any goals?

I wanted to discover why my reaction to romance novels was so different from other people who read them. Also, I thought it would be nice to finally put a name to why I never had any interest in the whole dating/sex/marriage thing. I'd been indifferent to the whole thing since I turned 13, and though it never stressed me out quite the same way it has others, I have had moments of confusion and wondering why I just didn't connect with others the way they seemed to connect with each other. It can be depressing when you don't have the same ability to connect with people on a certain level.

were/weren't they achieved?

Yes, nicely achieved. Being more self aware of my aro-aceness actually felt like I was relaxing a muscle I wasn't ever aware of tightening up in the first place.

why?

Knowing what I know now, it's helped in accepting that I am the way I am and there's nothing wrong with that.
 

why are you still here?

Because AVEN sucked me in with its awesomeness. This is the longest I've ever lasted on a forum and there are still things I'm learning. Also, I just enjoy interacting with the people here.

[Guest Jetsun Milarepa]

I wanted to know more about what I was feeling, but then I met a lot of fun people and now I have a place where I fit in.

[Diamond Ace of Hearts]

20 hours ago, AndyAce said:

 

it is quite a pain for people to respond in such a limiting way. And romantic attraction.. i guess, is a bit complex. it really depends on what an individual classes as romance. I doubt it's a common thing for Allos to deeply consider. In movies the "romance" genre isn't exactly asexual. i'd understand where the confusion came from i never really understood romance to be separate from sex until i kinda integrated into this community. :/ sorry that your friend left.

Yeah, romance is different things to different people, totally. I've only ever had one allo friend who understood my view of it even if she didn't fully subscribe to it, and I understood and liked her views on romance even though they were so different to mine. Everyone else I've talked to about it might as well be talking Martian.

 

Quote

It's always nice to have someone to talk to about this kinda stuff. making Asexual friends in real life is close to impossible unless you're extremely verbal about the subject. (I guess Ace meet ups would break the first barrier of uncertainty ^^ people would know what you were talking about... but i'm not much of a group person, it sounds rather intimidating to meet up with a group of strangers)

Yeah, I'm not good with groups or strangers, so groups OF strangers? *Shudders*

 

I would like to attend an ace meet up but it's going to take a while before I'm ready.

 

Quote

have you considered looking for a new job? The thought of having to keep going back to a place to do work you don't enjoy sounds like a mental prison. It reminds me of A levels >< I hope work gets better. ^^ you'll have to let me know if it does.

 

To be honest, it took such a lot of time and effort to get this job that I want to stick with it for a while. It's maybe not as bad as I think, it's just that the tasks I'm doing at the moment are quite solitary, I'm chained to a desk for the next few weeks, separated from everyone else. Also, everyone's contracts changed at the start of this month so people I used to work with are in different parts of the building now (including my aforementioned romantic interest), or on totally different shifts, or - in a couple of cases - they've left entirely. I'll get back to liking my job, I'm sure. I just need to adjust to the new people. And, like I say, AVEN gets me through.

 

 

Quote

i can't stop coming back to aven either. it's rather homely (and purple is a great colour X3)
thanks for replying anyway.

Yes. Purple rocks. It's been my favourite colour for ages.

 

17 hours ago, FemmeFalconer said:

I like the idea of introverted AVEN-newbie buddies.

 

Real life is always ideal in finding new people to connect with, but lately it doesn't seem realistic. At least on my end. I have friends, but not super close friends. I grew up with one of my friends from like age 6 (I'm 28 this year) and she sometimes acts like she doesn't know me. But I love her nonetheless and I'm stuck with her haha.

 

I'm sorry about your current situation, but I'm glad this site helps take your mind off things.

 

I relate to that. I don't know if it is the same for you but that imbalance in the friendship is something of a running theme in my life. I feel much more attached to my friends than they seem to feel attached to me.

[FemmeFalconer]

49 minutes ago, Diamond, Ace of Hearts said:

I relate to that. I don't know if it is the same for you but that imbalance in the friendship is something of a running theme in my life. I feel much more attached to my friends than they seem to feel attached to me.

Yes, I am very familiar with this concept. Even my friend of 20+ years only hangs out with me or talks to me when she is in need of something. Most of the time she will contact me when she is down on life or it isn't working out with her boyfriend at the time. I don't mind anymore though. I know I'm a good friend and am always there for people when they need me. I guess I have gotten used to only being contacted when needed in their lives. I'm always consistent and I can't expect others to be the same way. My mom always tells me that I am more of a friend to others even when they act like I don't exist, it's just who I am. I will admit however that I have one friend that is exactly like me. She is consistent and will talk to me randomly even when there isn't much to talk about and that's with only getting to see her once a year (she moved out of state). She's become an important person for me and actually tells me why we are such great friends. It's always nice having at least one of those. It took me forever to find someone like her though. Hopefully you will find one of those too

[nmcdermott94]

Oh wow, I really like this question. Hmmmm I joined first at the very beginning of when I was discovering my asexiness. My goal was really just to further understand myself and how to come to grips with my asexuality. I would like to think that I have definitely have accomplished that goal, as at least internally I am 100% okay and cool with my asexy side. However, I guess I have yet to externally accept it and start coming out / opening up to others about it.

 

I also joined to start meeting other asexuals in hopes that I could understand myself through them. This I haven't really fully achieved as I am still trying to find a foot hold in the community, I pop into AVEN every 2-3 months or so and get super active for like a week but then nothing more. I wish I could get more involved but it's almost 18 months since I found out my asexuality and ever day I accept and embrace it more and more so hopefully I'll be getting more involved in the future.  

[Janus the Fox]

Just now being in between communities forums, if not on one, I'm on the other.  Dividing between virtual furry groups, managing e-mails, maintaining a secure moderated platform, if not, either on here, YouTube, Reddit, steam, PS4 or bed.  

 

The purpose was simple, to become ore knowledgable of the self, sexuality and gender wise here.  This kind of lead onto other things, learning a lot about LGBT stuff, HIV/AIDS etc etc, is what following the next link does, according to googles recommendations.

 

Also becoming more charitable, for which has been fulfilled in virtual space and IRL volunteering.

[Muledeer]

I joined AVEN because of the NYT article I read about asexuality referred to this site.  Then it took another year of lurking to actually join.  I was looking for a  broader and more active forum than the one I was using.  What I found here has been amazing...not so much because it reinforces my asexuality or aromanticism (it surely does that!) but because of the diversity of its members from all over the world.  The breadth and depth of conversations on the discussion threads is truly stimulating.   I also continue to learn a little more about myself and others regarding asexuality from hanging around here.

[Hermit Advocate]

I joined because I heard there'd be cake. 

[Ravaillac]

I joined because it's nice to have conversations I never could have had in public. This forum is an opinionated teenager's dream. Although it did take me a while to make an account.

[gisiebob]

well sure I'll put my thoughts on wheels here, but I ain't looking for a conversation about it. More than ten years ago I found AVEN after my friends were talking about sexuality. now I am someone who is pretty sure footed about myself, but I don't always know where that person sits within society. so finding asexuality (and demisexuality) was more discovering terms to inform other people about who I am, not terms to help me discover myself. I didn't even occur to me to join the aven forums back then, as the friends I had talked about were this little forum clubhouse, an orphanage for our teenage online identities, it was the only place online I needed to be. Then in that orphanage I found...an anomaly. SDSK was someone I cared about in a way that I didn't understand. not ever in a sexual way still, but very quickly this person was tagged as Important and if I asked myself why SDSK was important the answer would be because SDSK is important. today I appreciate the time I had with SDSK, but at the point when we said our goodbyes I was in a lot of pain. For a long time I felt wounded, like when I gashed open my hand and the top layer of skin scarred over but deep down the wound remained. there was an angry scar between me and the idea of companionship in the shape of the letters SDSK. but my hand did heal, and I have arrived to where I can long for companionship without my internal demons popping out of the woodwork to mock me. Not long after my personal falling out the orphanage burnt down (we all had set our own little fires) and we migrated to facebook. fastforward to near present, when I can finally want to not be alone again and I am thinking about how disadvantaged I am, not only do I not have the social lubricants of wanting sex and drinking alcohol, I've spent the better part of a decade forcibly not thinking about any sort of this thing. so I joined AVEN to get more resolute in where I stand socially to potential partners through the osmosis of reading and helping others with their own tribulations on the topic. then facebook decided I had a silly name and gave me the boot, so I ended up having a lot more internet free time than I anticipated.

[Peachyy]

because I got bored of the pro-ana forum and wanted to go somewhere else to talk about my problems