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Do asexual males belong in LGBT community


Ravaillac

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Besides being asexual I am a standard issue white male. I was lucky that I figured out my orientation was before I ruined my life over it. The people that I know who are gay or genderqueer seem to participate in a LGBT community that seems totally alien to me. I wonder if I would be allowed to be part of the community and not just be called an ally. I also worry that some of my opinions regarding gay rights would turn me into an outsider. Also a lot of the people have dyed hair, really ugly dyed hair. 

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The A in LGBTQIA stands for asexual, not ally. If you identify on the A-spectrum you are considered part of the community, however, it is up to you to decide whether you want to participate. People within the community have a wide variety of opinions, but you might find yours shift as you learn more and more about some of the issues associated with being considered both asexual or queer. 

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Personally, I find the "Ally" label rather condescending. I mean why can't you just be a straight person who doesn't totally hate gay people? Seriously why do you need to be labeled as an Alley? I would also like to add while no one is ever sure what sexuality I really am, no one has ever labeled me an "Ally". Even when it was assumed I was straight. 

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If you ain't straight, you're part of the LGBTQA+ community. But that doesn't mean you feel that that is where you'll fit in. You can choose to go, learn, and have your mind be open. Or if you feel your ideas don't mesh, then you might be happier outside of it.

 

Honest, if you don't mind a random person on the internet trying to lob advice at your face, I would say go check it out, try to listen more than you talk, and see what issues the community faces. See how you can start supporting others in the community and you'll find they will start supporting you too.

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2 minutes ago, Josie P said:

If you ain't straight, you're part of the LGBTQA+ community. But that doesn't mean you feel that that is where you'll fit in. You can choose to go, learn, and have your mind be open. Or if you feel your ideas don't mesh, then you might be happier outside of it.

 

Honest, if you don't mind a random person on the internet trying to lob advice at your face, I would say go check it out, try to listen more than you talk, and see what issues the community faces. See how you can start supporting others in the community and you'll find they will start supporting you too.

Thanks for the advice, appreciate it!

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NerotheReaper

You are allowed to be part of the community, you might not be leading the charge though. There is some debate if we belong in the LGTB (in the longer one there is an A for asexuality), but the main focus seems to be the first four. Thing is the community was formed on the want to be accepted for a different sexuality rather than the traditional heterosexuality.

 

4 hours ago, Sherlocks said:

Personally, I find the "Ally" label rather condescending. I mean why can't you just be a straight person who doesn't totally hate gay people? Seriously why do you need to be labeled as an Alley? I would also like to add while no one is ever sure what sexuality I really am, no one has ever labeled me an "Ally". Even when it was assumed I was straight. 

I think it might be in reference to standing with them in their fight for equal rights. Instead of watching from the sidelines you are with them in their fight. I call myself an ally, not to make myself look better or superior. Since I am not like "meh alright, you gay you still cool." I am protective of my gay/bi friends and feel like if someone attacks the community it feels like an attack on me. 

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Luftschlosseule

Dye isn't contagious, so I, too, would recommend meeting people.

Of course it's difficult to find similarities when you don't know anything about the people you wonder if you share some with. ...did that sentence make sense? Sorry if it didn't.

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TheLastOfSheila
5 hours ago, NerotheReaper said:

There is some debate if we belong in the LGTB

This, I think, has been a long standing debate now.  There was even some debate, at least a few years ago, whether or not the "A" stood for Asexual or Ally.  I suppose it may depend on which LGBT group you affiliate with, e.g.,their geographic location, their median age, connection to a university, etc.  I think that for many sexuals, asexuality is still not really "a thing" to them, but I could be wrong about that, just giving my own impressions here.

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22 hours ago, nutmeq said:

The A in LGBTQIA stands for asexual, not ally. If you identify on the A-spectrum you are considered part of the community

 

The A actually always meant ally, so yeah. And according to many here, about 60% of the population is actually on the "ace spectrum", so there's that to take into consideration as well. Here, as long as you're not hypersexual (considered a disorder by many people) then you're somewhere on the ace spectrum.

 

22 hours ago, Ravaillac said:

Besides being asexual I am a standard issue white male. I was lucky that I figured out my orientation was before I ruined my life over it. The people that I know who are gay or genderqueer seem to participate in a LGBT community that seems totally alien to me. I wonder if I would be allowed to be part of the community and not just be called an ally. I also worry that some of my opinions regarding gay rights would turn me into an outsider. Also a lot of the people have dyed hair, really ugly dyed hair. 

 

You really don't seem that passionate about LGBT rights and you seem to have quite a condescending attitude towards it and members of LGBT.. What makes you want to be a part of that community?

 

Also, are you a straight asexual?  (as in, desire romantic relationships with people of the opposite sex?) ..Straight cis "asexuals" (especially those having regular sex, because there are plenty of those around here) really have no place in the LGBT other than as allies, because they are literally no different than the rest of the population. They don't face discrimination, they weren't persecuted for centuries, they're no different than any other normal straight cis person. I'm not even straight or necessarily cis and I don't feel a part of LGBT because I don't face discrimination just for being who I am. Whereas many gay and most trans people have a pretty hellish time just existing in this society. I totally understand why they need a community like LGBT to stand for their rights and connect with others like them. But a regular straight cis person who maybe just has no desire to connect sexually with others? Can't they just come to AVEN and find a sense of community there among other asexuals? Or be a part of LGBT as an ally? Why force oneself into someone else's movement?

 

What are your opinions about gay rights that LGBT people may not approve of?

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17 hours ago, Luftschlosseule said:

Dye isn't contagious, so I, too, would recommend meeting people.

Of course it's difficult to find similarities when you don't know anything about the people you wonder if you share some with. ...did that sentence make sense? Sorry if it didn't.

The easiest way is to sit down and start a conversation about the weather or play a game or join a club. That's the way I've made most of my friends over the years, over shared interests.

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As you can probably tell, there are a wide variety of opinions on this topic, indeed it is amusing that your first post should touch on such a long standing and controversial issue. As some of the above comments have pointed out, it comes down to the envionement you are in along with your social needs. If you are a romantic asexual, LGBTQA+ meetings/rallies can be an excellent way to either meet people or meet people who know people, given how difficult it can be to find another asexual or someone willing to compromise. At least that is how I understand it in theory, which is all I have going for me on the topic of relationships. Personally, I am living with a group of people who have accepted my asexuality as part of the person I am, obsessed with bagels and tea, plays too much modded Minecraft, asexual, it just kind of fits. As a result, I have not chosen to become involved with my on campus LGBTQA+ Gender and Inclusion center, simply because I don't feel as if I need something beyond AVEN and my friends. But that is just me, your experiences may, and should vary. If you have some dicy opinions about people in the LGBTQA+ community, the best way to alter those is by proving yourself wrong through making friends with people who belong to those groups. Power of friendship and all that, but really, try it. The best way I have found for making friends is by asking people about themselves. People love to talk about themselves, and when you can get them talking, they will reveal things about themselves which you can relate to yourself. In theory, this is how friends are made, though I am still performing some tests. You might want to avoid weather, that and politics. Try talking about where people are from, past job experience, troubles they are facing, and what they hope to accomplish. Shared interests may be a tempting route, but be careful, because discussion of shared interests can become a game of "who knows the most obscure trivia and is therefore the one true fan" which is not really a healthy way of getting to know someone. To cease my rambling, I must admit that I am a taciturn recluse who would sooner keep myself locked upstairs reading and playing games all day than chance talking to someone, but I have also found, perhaps naively, that most people are pretty friendly, even if you don't agree with them and have nothing in common. Most people think of themselves as good people, and, if you act the right way and say the right things, will open up quite quickly. That said, becoming involved in a group is just one way to make friends who support you, I met my friends through D&D for instance, you can even make friends with classmates or colleauges over lunch, the most important things to remember are to be patient and listen. Good luck finding answers and welcome to AVEN! - Gneiss

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Guest Jetsun Milarepa

 

 

I always think I'm not gay , but I'm not straight either, so I think that qualifies me as part of the LGBTQIA society.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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While I am homoromantic, and, a former card carrying member of the gay community  (;)), I've always felt like an outsider. Even while embracing the LGBT lifestyle. So, I will never think of asexuals as part of that community. I feel, we can only be allies, just like everyone else outside that group.

 

Of course, it's up to the individual to decide where they belong.

 

I prefer standing alone, together, as Asexuals. Regardless of the the myriad classifications we give ourselves, that's the bedrock of our community. ;)

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Janus the Fox

I'm fairly connected to the LGBT, for many reasons LGBT related, Gender, Romance, thoughts and the social and political ideology as well as LGBT related illness, abuse and the general challenge of being LGBT in the most deprived of general rights.

 

Anyone can be a part of the LGBT and part of any related community, just being wary of exclusive communities that tell you otherwise, you like anyone else here, can be and/or are LGBT if anything LGBT you are a part of or believe to be.

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3 hours ago, Tja said:

I prefer standing alone, together, as Asexuals. Regardless of the the myriad classifications we give ourselves, that's the bedrock of our community. ;)

Sounds good to me.

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On ‎2‎/‎15‎/‎2017 at 0:54 AM, nutmeq said:

The A in LGBTQIA stands for asexual, not ally.

The meaning depends on what member of the leadership is talking from the LGBTQ community. 

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TheLastOfSheila
7 hours ago, tiptoenail said:

The meaning depends on what member of the leadership is talking from the LGBTQ community. 

Agreed.  I have yet to see that the LGBTQ community wholeheartedly accepts the Asexual community.  If there is evidence of this, I would love to see it, and would happily declare myself wrong.

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In my situation as a cis male asexual aromantic, I really have had no struggles in my life, so I don't see a connection to what the LGBT community deals with.

 

All I can see for those that identify similarly, that others will see the asexual/LGBT connection and (rightly or wrongly) say, "Oh 'you're queer..."

 

I don't need that. It may be selfish, but that's just how I feel about it.

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LittleGoody2Shoes

First of all be glad that you're a cisgender male. I am a transgender male and I would like to be described as a "standard issue white male". I like that description you gave. If you wish you can be a part of the LGBT community and be sure to keep an open mind. Gaudy dyed hair isn't a requirement unless you want to!

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7 minutes ago, Karl said:

First of all be glad that you're a cisgender male. I am a transgender male and I would like to be described as a "standard issue white male". I like that description you gave. If you wish you can be a part of the LGBT community and be sure to keep an open mind. Gaudy dyed hair isn't a requirement unless you want to!

I have never understood the desire to dye one's hair pea green or any unnatural color. It just doesn't make sense!

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LittleGoody2Shoes
4 minutes ago, Ravaillac said:

I have never understood the desire to dye one's hair pea green or any unnatural color. It just doesn't make sense!

I dye mine blonde, but at least its a natural color.

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On ‎2‎/‎17‎/‎2017 at 8:25 PM, Ravaillac said:

I have never understood the desire to dye one's hair pea green or any unnatural color. It just doesn't make sense!

*shifts awkwardly with my blue streaked hair*

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On 2/17/2017 at 6:25 PM, Ravaillac said:

I have never understood the desire to dye one's hair pea green or any unnatural color. It just doesn't make sense!

It doesn't make any more sense to shave your face or cut your hair or wear shoes or clothes either, since they're not "natural".  

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Personally, I think that those on either the asexual or aromantic scale have a place in the LGBT+ community, however I don't think you need to claim it if you don't want to. I consider myself part of the LGBT+ community but don't really "participate" if you will because I typically see people more as allo or ace/aro.

Aces aren't the only one dealing with this "do we belong" issue. Bisexuals have had to argue that they belong even if they are dating an opposite sex person, heterosexual heteroromantic trans individuals have had to argue that they belong. This isn't a new issue for a minority orientation. Bottom line, if you aren't cis heterosexual heteroromatic than you belong. You may not go through the same things that a gay man does, but then neither does a white gay man experience the same thing as a gay man of color. Or a gay man from a conservative, homophobic family experience the same things a gay man raised in a loving and accepting family.

 

I also am not going to force my right to be there on people who don't want me there. I come on here to find support and like minded folks. I go to the areas of the LGBT+ community where I receive the same thing. If someone doesn't want me there, then we don't have to interact. They don't have see me, I don't have to see them, and we both can get the support and acceptance we need.

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On 18/02/2017 at 3:25 AM, Ravaillac said:

I have never understood the desire to dye one's hair pea green or any unnatural color. It just doesn't make sense!

*shrug* Hair is like any other fashion apparel to me. I've never dyed them myself, but if I was in a professional environment where I could, I'd like to try partial blue hair. :)

 

I don't know if I would consider myself part of the LGBTQ+ community as a whole, but I participate in a Twitch.tv community where many people are not straight, or are supportive, and I feel a sense of belonging. That's where I learned about asexuality in the first place :)

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Asexual is not a subset of gay. Asexual is a completely distinct orientation. I used to identify as gay simply because asexuality hadn't been discussed. But I was always an outsider in the gay community because I wasn't having sex. Identifying as asexual is not a way to avoid identifying as gay, as some people continue to believe. I use the word "gender-conforming" as a catch-all term for all the stripes on the rainbow flag. The once thing we have in common is that we are not cisgender-heterosexuals, and that means we all get marginalized in different ways. I think it's good to be part of the gender-nonconforming community as long as they don't question my asexual identity or want to co-opt my identity for their political causes.

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My beard is occasionally dyed horribly wrong; especially once I reset it & go back black.  The first bleaching takes forever because my hair is jet black; but not to digress too much, you can be as big of a part of the LGBTQIA as much as you want, you just have to get involved in ways that you are good at.  I suck at being a people person, but I'm excellent at being a protector.  Sometimes my presence alone is enough luck to keep people from acting out.  Besides that, I'm a handy man, I keep a gerber on me, I can carry a lot of weight & I don't mind doing physical labor.  I could pass as hetero to the point that my lavender beard wouldn't make anyone triple guess.  It's my favorite color & my brooding personality just says to leave me alone.  I'm on an LGBTQIA rugby team, they appreciate me coming around when I can; I actually just helped them with a Beer Pong Tournament.  They were wild'n & after that; I stayed home to myself the rest of the weekend, was way too many people for my taste.

 

My asexuality isn't the only uncomfortable thing about me.  I'm awkwardly silent in person, I have no sense of humor, I'm anti everything, against the grain because I can be & I am never the first person to say hi unless I'm walking up on a group of people.  Everyone doesn't know my sexual orientation; they just assume because I was on growlr for three years that I'm gay or bi because of my masculinity.  A lot of the guys that are on growlr who are on the rugby team even looked at my profile & didn't say anything to me on growlr.  I only got involved with the rugby team because of one of the sponsors; I was talking to his boyfriend because his boyfriend is into me.  Then I started talking to Kerry because he's more interesting.  I came out to a practice because of him & because I liked everyone's energy who was at that practice; I kept coming around.  Now I'm on the team for sure.  :|  Biggest mistake of my life because there are a lot of tempting energies on that team & on the friendly teams that play us routinely.  I don't mix recreation & pleasure; I'm safe in that sense.  Let me not digress; just like anyone that asks you directly about your dating life, just let them know you're asexual & how you roll.  They'll understand, it's very easy to get to people if you answer straight forward & don't give them any false hope.  

 

Because of the team, I have attended two pride parades & festivals; held a candle at the vigil for the Orlando gay club shooting, bought my first asexual flag, been supporting LGBTQIA stores around Charlotte & online.  This year will be the first time since my child hood, where I'll be willing to wear a dress.  For a prom match for Time Out Youth in my city; an organization for LGBTQIA youth.  But with me being 6'3"; I doubt finding a dress is going to be easy for me.  |:

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deleted_account

I think the LGBT community has become more accepting of asexuals in recent years. If you feel like going to a gay bar or Gay-Straight Alliance meeting or whatever, I don't think you'd be unwelcome as long as you were polite. It helps, if you're a non-member on their "turf", to be a good listener. Don't make too many assumptions.

 

I also recommend not mentioning your opinions on people's hair. You can think it, of course, just don't say it.

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The Emerald

HELLLL YEAH THEY DO! Asexual men are welcome in my book.

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