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Adam's wondering: what if my wife is asexual?


Adam Becker

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Greetings, and thanks for creating and maintaining this forum.  Some longstanding issues in my marriage bring me here.  After reading the AVEN materials and discussions, I expect that my wife might identify as asexual (were she familiar with the term.)  I intend to discuss it with her, but I’m posting here first as - it’s too easy to inadvertently say something hurtful, and I want work some of this out in my mind first, rather than processing it on the fly in our early discussions.

 

Background: I’m 61, she’s 54, married 14 yrs, 2nd marriage for both.  Blended family - her daughter + my son + 2 daughters together. We both have advanced degrees in a STEM field (we met thru work); she’s a manager and I write software.  Overall a happy, pretty low-conflict marriage; no financial issues, compatible worldviews, active in our very liberal church. Sex has been our one, ongoing conflict.  A year ago, we’d hit a place where I was extremely unhappy in the marriage, when my initiations were frequently met by her anger and shaming of me for asking.

 

Since then, we’ve done a lot of work and things are much improved. She has told me things in that time:

  • She has only felt ‘horny’ a couple of times in her whole life.
  • I was the first man with whom she’d ever orgasmed. She has little desire for orgasm.
  • She gets no feeling of closeness from lovemaking, even if it’s pleasurable.
  • She only values ‘companionate’ marriage, has no desire for ‘passionate’ marriage.
  • Once, when she told me that she loved me, I asked if she was in love with me.  She answered that she didn’t know what that would mean, but didn’t think she was capable of it.
  • When she consents to lovemaking, or even initiates lovemaking, she does so because she wants to please me, and knows that it’s important to me, but not out of any desire.

 

It’s very difficult to get her to discuss these things with me.  AVEN is helping me understand her - I think - as I’m reading ace wives who articulate things which my wife cannot.

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17 minutes ago, Adam Becker said:

She has only felt ‘horny’ a couple of times in her whole life.

Horny as in desires sex or desires to masturbate? If the former, that can be called Gray-sexual or "aceflexible". If the latter, then she may have low hormones, but at her current age she's most likely gone through menopause, which has most likely fully gotten rid of that rare desire for sex (which happens to alot of women), so yes, you could say she's asexual now.

17 minutes ago, Adam Becker said:

Once, when she told me that she loved me, I asked if she was in love with me.  She answered that she didn’t know what that would mean, but didn’t think she was capable of it.

Sounds like she could be aromantic too (i.e. doesn't feel romantically about anyone and does not desire romantic relationships). Shorthand for both is Aro Ace.

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It actually sounds like you and she have discussed it quite a bit, and she's been disclosive to you, since you know how she feels about various things.   I would say believe her in what she says, and don't try to get her to discuss it further in the hopes that you'd hear something different (natural though that may be).  

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nanogretchen4

Probably the two most outspoken sexuals in mixed relationships have recently left AVEN, so I'm afraid you are going to get pretty one sided advice from an asexual point of view. My own point of view is that asexuals have absolutely no business being in mixed relationships with sexuals who did not know and fully understand from the beginning what they were getting into. It's nice that your wife is finally being honest now after fourteen years of marriage, although it doesn't sound like she made a free and full confession. It sounds like you have had to drag it out of her. There isn't actually a rule that once someone admits to having an incompatible sexual orientation their spouse is obligated to drop the subject forever yet remain married to them, suffering in silence for the rest of their life. 

 

I just want to say that if you are angry, you have good reason for it. If you want a divorce, you have solid grounds for divorce. If you want to try to make it work but after a couple of years you find that things are no better and there is no prospect that things will get better, you have every right to divorce then. Learning that your spouse has never desired you sexually and never been in love with you would be a deal breaker for a lot of people, and it's fine if it's a deal breaker for you.

 

Ultimately, you need to reach a decision about whether on balance the pros of this marriage outweigh the cons, but you can take some time to process your new information and pay attention to your feelings. And if your wife doesn't want to talk about it she doesn't have to, but her unwillingness to deal with a major problem in your marriage should probably be factored into your decision about whether to stay. I hope in time you will find peace and happiness in whatever decision you make.

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58 minutes ago, nanogretchen4 said:

Probably the two most outspoken sexuals in mixed relationships have recently left AVEN

@Telecaster68 is still with us, though :)

 

There are a couple of ways to solve the practical issue.

(1) Compromise - finding a way both of you are somewhat comfortable with. It's up to you folks to negotiate the details (frequency, techniques, ...)

(2) go look elsewhere for sex (i.e. cheating or "officially" opening up your relationship).

(3) break up

 

Any of those would need a lot of talking and negotiating, thinking things over, expressing feelings and maybe some "trial and error", too. I kind of agree and disagree with @Sally - talk to your wife when she's ready to talk, but don't expect her to change her general attitude. Communication is key and patience is, too.

 

It's great that you found your way here - it shows the willingness to learn about what is going on and to get a grasp of the mechanics behind it. That's a good start :)

 

Considering the list, I believe that #3 and #6 are crucial for you to understand what is going on. Sex won't make your wife feel the things you feel, and as far as I'm familiar with the concept, being mutually emotional is a big part of what makes sex so important for sexuals. You want her to want you, but she doesn't - at least not on a sexual level. Please note that this does NOT mean that she doesn't want you at all.

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Username_2017
1 hour ago, nanogretchen4 said:

Learning that your spouse has never desired you sexually and never been in love with you would be a deal breaker for a lot of people, and it's fine if it's a deal breaker for you.

 

I agree with everything you have said here apart from the quote. From her point of view she may well be very much in love with him even though she doesn't sexually desire him. 

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14 minutes ago, nanogretchen4 said:

Reread the OP. The wife specifically said she didn't think she was capable of being in love.

...which is different from "not being able to love". There's a difference.

 

My take is that "being in love" refers to all the lovey dovey stuff, limerence, silliness, butterflies and such. Whereas "to love someone" is the deep, emotional caring part. I don't know whether this is where @Adam Becker would draw the line; that would be interesting to know.

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On 15/2/2017 at 5:58 AM, Adam Becker said:

 

Greetings, and thanks for creating and maintaining this forum.  Some longstanding issues in my marriage bring me here.  After reading the AVEN materials and discussions, I expect that my wife might identify as asexual (were she familiar with the term.)  I intend to discuss it with her, but I’m posting here first as - it’s too easy to inadvertently say something hurtful, and I want work some of this out in my mind first, rather than processing it on the fly in our early discussions.

 

Background: I’m 61, she’s 54, married 14 yrs, 2nd marriage for both.  Blended family - her daughter + my son + 2 daughters together. We both have advanced degrees in a STEM field (we met thru work); she’s a manager and I write software.  Overall a happy, pretty low-conflict marriage; no financial issues, compatible worldviews, active in our very liberal church. Sex has been our one, ongoing conflict.  A year ago, we’d hit a place where I was extremely unhappy in the marriage, when my initiations were frequently met by her anger and shaming of me for asking.

 

Since then, we’ve done a lot of work and things are much improved. She has told me things in that time:

  • She has only felt ‘horny’ a couple of times in her whole life.
  • I was the first man with whom she’d ever orgasmed. She has little desire for orgasm.
  • She gets no feeling of closeness from lovemaking, even if it’s pleasurable.
  • She only values ‘companionate’ marriage, has no desire for ‘passionate’ marriage.
  • Once, when she told me that she loved me, I asked if she was in love with me.  She answered that she didn’t know what that would mean, but didn’t think she was capable of it.
  • When she consents to lovemaking, or even initiates lovemaking, she does so because she wants to please me, and knows that it’s important to me, but not out of any desire.

 

It’s very difficult to get her to discuss these things with me.  AVEN is helping me understand her - I think - as I’m reading ace wives who articulate things which my wife cannot.

Hi, im 40+ and the sexual man in a 15+ years marriage, which sound a bit like yours. 

Sex is ok, nice, but doesnt really leave an impression, even when she gets a good orgasm. And sex doesnt fly in on her radar, so it is kind of my project, that she helps me with. By an agreement and by schedule. 

I am the one who touches, and utter sweet words and say "I love you!", she says "same here/ditto...!"

 

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