Zero relationship skills

[more_lentils]

I turn 24 at the end of this month and i've been single and sexless my whole life. The sexless part doesn't bother me ~thaaaat~ much. Theres always a morbid curiosity about the unknown but also I can't bring myself to get into anything involving sex at all.

The single part however fills me with dread because its now gotten to a point where I dont know whats causing it or what i'm doing wrong.  As stupid as it sounds i feel like I'll miss being able to get in a relationship while i'm young. I feel that being on the spectrum, diagnosed with depression and anxiety and identifying as asexual last year are all working against me and my confidence but I also think that maybe i'm just simply not attractive or mature enough or maybe any subtle hints at attraction goes over my head? Am i just simply not compatible with anyone or i just lack confidence? Even writing this post feels difficult for me :/

At one point I thought i was aromantic but I don't think thats entirely true anymore.  Does anyone else feel like this? How do you deal with it? Might there be any educational outlets about finding or being a compatible partners, particularly for those on the mild end of the spectrum (and that isn't loaded with MRA nonsense - I don't believe in that nice guys finish last crap)

[Sherlocks]

15 minutes ago, more_lentils said:

I turn 24 at the end of this month and i've been single and sexless my whole life. The sexless part doesn't bother me ~thaaaat~ much. Theres always a morbid curiosity about the unknown but also I can't bring myself to get into anything involving sex at all.

The single part however fills me with dread because its now gotten to a point where I dont know whats causing it or what i'm doing wrong.  As stupid as it sounds i feel like I'll miss being able to get in a relationship while i'm young. I feel that being on the spectrum, diagnosed with depression and anxiety and identifying as asexual last year are all working against me and my confidence but I also think that maybe i'm just simply not attractive or mature enough or maybe any subtle hints at attraction goes over my head? Am i just simply not compatible with anyone or i just lack confidence? Even writing this post feels difficult for me :/

At one point I thought i was aromantic but I don't think thats entirely true anymore.  Does anyone else feel like this? How do you deal with it? Might there be any educational outlets about finding or being a compatible partners, particularly for those on the mild end of the spectrum (and that isn't loaded with MRA nonsense - I don't believe in that nice guys finish last crap)

 

 

 

 

I tend to be charming and able to get dates without trying. Which boosts my ego but I also hate having to tell people no. It's not really possible for me to not make a scene, though. I just kind of get noticed no matter what I do. I tend to have a very colorful personality. I can give some tips of what will get you noticed if you wish. 

 

1.Mysterious 

2.Polite 

3.helpful 

4.Talk about them never about you 

5.flip everything into a positive 

6.Be open minded never judgemental 

7.Say less not more 

 

Positive 

 

Girl:Im so ugly 

You: Well if you were I wouldn't be talking to you. I only talk to the prettiest girls 

 

I do this kind of thing a lot people seem to enjoy it 

 

So have fun being smooth bro. 

 

 

[Prufrock, but like, worse]

If you say that and it is true, you are shallow. If it is false, you are a liar. Do not follow that advice.

[Galactic Turtle]

If you're single because you've never liked anyone or single because you've never approached anyone, you might benefit from being more proactive in searching.

 

You could always give online dating a go! If anything it gives you practice talking to people with the possibility of romance already on the agenda.

 

I told my parents I'd be open to dating. It was only then that I realized that everyone around me seemed extraordinarily unappealing. It was only once I was contemplating returning the sentiments of one person that I realized the dating game is really not one I want to play because I didn't agree with the fine print/terms and conditions.

[Fox6]

There's no such a thing as being skilled in relationships. You are idealizing it too much. Everyone is different and has a different idea of what a relationship is. There are plenty of people who have partners only for sex, money, doing tasks, driving, boosting their self-stem, social status, etc. They may have had numerous relationships, but would you call them skilled? The key is to find someone who is compatible with you.

I also used to think that having zero experience would be an obstacle, and that by my age everyone had a PhD in dating. However I realized that everyone was getting in relationships due to desire, and everything came naturally for them. The problem wasn't my lack of experience, but that I couldn't understand their actions like Mr. Spock or Commander Data struggle to understand Human emotions.

 

Keep in mind that a lot of people like the idea that their partner never had a relationship before. In fact one of the most common lies people tell to their partners is that they are their first and only love. Sure there are some who may be scared of it, but there are others who won't date someone with a different taste for music. You are making it a bigger deal than it truly is.

[Laplace]

Even though I'm almost certainly aro ace, I feel you TC. I've never been in a relationship at age 22 and I'm super dense so I don't even know what people think about me. That and I'm a bit of a cynical b**** sometimes so I doubt anyone would want to be involved with me for long even if I was available. If you want a relationship, all I can advise is keep trying. You can change your behavior if you want, but at the end of the day, unless your committed to completely reforming your image, you can't keep a facade up forever. I imagine people go through a long list of candidates before finally clicking with someone in the end. 

[in.visible]

This is an interesting thread. I feel a lot like you, more_lentils.

I have social anxiety, so anything that includes approaching people I don't know gets super complicated in my head. Most of the time I feel like I can't even keep up with/make friendships. And if that's a problem already, relationships are even more an issue.

 

When people say 'keep trying', what to they mean with that? Try what? I'm never approached (I seem to have the gift or in this case curse of invisibility) and my issues won't allow me to approach another person...

[SleepyFox]

I don't have any answers for you - if I did I'd be using them myself - but I'm 24 and I'm trying to work out this whole dating scene thing. You're definitely not alone. Don't know about you but I feel like asexual can get read as straight by LGBT people, and gay by straight people. At any rate, most people assume I'm the opposite from what they are. Add in a hefty dose of social anxiety and a chronic illness that turns stress reaction into sleep and ...yeah. Like I said, if I had answers I'd give them to you.

i guess just try to find someone with similar interests and if something more develops then good for you? If not at least you have a new friend.

[Fox6]

On 16/02/2017 at 7:41 AM, mania said:

I'm never approached (I seem to have the gift or in this case curse of invisibility)

Approaching strangers is a very awkward situation for both parties. It doesn't happen very often in real life unless someone is putting effort in it. You can check some tutorials online on how to improve your body language to look more approachable. If you want to develop the courage to talk to people, go for a walk and greet a stranger passing by each day.

[Sunflowerfield]

Well I'm 25 and I've never been in a dating relationship at all, so you're not the only one! Many people remain single and never have a relationship for many years, though people are made to feel as if this is abnormal and means they are falling behind, or there is something wrong with them. I also think our culture can make it difficult to meet people, as online dating can be harsh and impersonal... and people often judge quite superficially, just based on a photo and very limited information.

 

I do think that being a minority and having mental health challenges can make dating more difficult, but there are plenty of people with those challenges (and many more) who have found a compatible partner. But I think it's important not to blame yourself or be too hard on yourself. Often it's just hard to meet the right person, even when you do all the right things and try your very best. I wish I could help more but I don't think I have any more useful insights to add. Big hugs!!

[danigirlawkward]

I'll be 25 in April and I haven't dated anyone thus far. Everyone's story is different and I'll admit that when I was in college, I felt like I had to have things done already (first kiss, first date, sex, etc.) Never got to the actual date part due to having unrequited crushes but I believe I was 19 when I had my first kiss and 21 when I lost my virginity. At the time I didn't know I was asexual (22 was when I discovered it) but I sort of made myself get into situations where I would experience that type of stuff. I would hate myself afterwards because I'd always wanted to be emotionally involved with someone (not that I have a problem with other people that are more into the hookup culture) but it wasn't me. I'd since grown but unfortunately last summer sort of dipped back into my bad habit and had sex again. It's not that I didn't want it, I did (no sexual attraction) but I was more attracted to the fact that I thought the guy and I would possibly turn into something more plus I was a little drunk. Alas I didn't hear from him the day after so once again I resorted back to hating myself for ignoring the red flags and all that. 

 

I agree that being on the asexual spectrum has provided obstacles for many people, myself included but so has the world of dating in general. I have sexual friends who are over the online dating scene because they're done looking for just hookups and being judged solely on a small paragraph on some dating app. The best piece of advice I can give you is join Meetup.com and if they have events that revolve around your interests, go to them and meet new people. Also be patient. I know it's tough out there in the modern dating world (it is for anyone). Live your best life as someone who is single and don't worry about it so much.