Jump to content

How Are You Supposed To Know?


TheAl

Recommended Posts

How Am I Supposed to Know if I am romantically attracted to someone? Because, I don't know. I made a list of how I am with certain things, but I don't know if it has any use. And please, please, don't say "you just know," or "it's different for every person" because I know that. I just don't understand how you "just know".

  • I only hug certain people, and rarely.
  • I dislike holding hands in a majority of cases. It's basically the same thing with the hugging.
  • I enjoy cuddling, as long as I trust the person.
  • I cannot imagine myself kissing anyone. Ever. When people describe kissing they describe it like it's this impulsive thing that they just do. I see a instruction guide that hasn't any use.
  • When I describe my feelings toward the people I "crush" on. It seems to fit more with the definition of a squish.
  • However, I still like the idea of dating someone.
  • I had what I believed was a crush on this one girl for almost two years, but it was mostly just that I thought she was cute and enjoyed being with her. But you can feel the same way for people who are just friends, right?
  • I don't experience sexual attraction, or a preference for any particular gender romantically (but I don't know if I'd know if I did, that's why I'm asking this).

This question is directed a bit more towards people who identify as aro, but any answer might help. Thanks.

 

Link to post
Share on other sites

Romantic attraction is an emotion; so it doesn't translate well into words, but it can be inadequately put as soft/warm/fuzzy feelings with some degree of fixation (at least in comparison to one's normality with others). This is the base requirement, but some people also have a physical reaction to the feeling and others don’t (i.e. butterflies in their stomach, heart rate increase, blushing, etc. [though those can also be symptoms of platonic nervousness]). Others may react mentally with a dreamy mindset, anxious euphoria, infatuation, romantic fantasies, etc. And others may feel it light enough (compared to the norm) that there is no clear line between crushes and wanting emotional closeness.

 

"Like the idea of dating someone" as in you desire to date someone or you could consent to being in such a relationship? The latter does not make a romantic orientation. Thinking someone's cute and enjoying being around them could be a crush, but it could also not (heh, sorry). If it did end up being a crush, again, romantic orientation is not just consenting to being in a relationship, so you having no preference for gender doesn't matter; if you only get crushes on women then that's not bi/panromantic.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I get, what I previously believed to be, crushes on the majority of people I meet and am friendly with. I mentioned my feelings toward a girl as it was one of the more prominent cases where I had a "crush". And thank you for the response.

 

 

 

(I do not know how to respond to your comment directly)

Link to post
Share on other sites
NerotheReaper

Welcome to Aven!

 

Well it is true, romantic attraction is an emotion so therefore you can't always put it into words. Star Bit already described for you how you physically feel with someone who you might have a romantic attraction to. So i will try to avoid repetition, since romantic attraction can vary from person to person. I have only been in love once, and how I could describe it was right off the bat there was this 'connection'. As cheesy as it sounds felt like I knew them my entire life, I wanted to always be around them, the smallest things they did would have an impact on me. A long hug from them would make me all happy, if they ignored my texts I felt like I did something wrong. We never dated though, they wanted to be FWB I wanted more so that was kind of the end of that. 

Link to post
Share on other sites

Hey, I am a probably-aro person and I have done some research on this subject as well, both on these forums and asking people I am close to. I have seen both the 'if it happens, you know. Romantic love is different form anything else and cannot be mistaken' answers and the 'there isn't that much difference between the feelings of friendship and romantic love, not really'. It is the second opinion here that seems the most relevant to me, because likely, that closer to how I work myself, that the line is just kind of blurry to me. I don't know if this will help you at all, but what I am trying to do is find peace in the fact that I don't know, and might not ever know, and just let things develop as they will.

 

So, I guess what I'd try to do is well, trust your feelings and worry less about defining them. As in, is there an outcome you'd prefer from these crushes or relationships? Something you want? Go from there.

Link to post
Share on other sites
On 11/02/2017 at 4:50 AM, Star Bit said:

 And others may feel it light enough (compared to the norm) that there is no clear line between crushes and wanting emotional closeness.

I have seen your definition of romantic attraction a lot, but now you seem to have added a new part. The rest of the definition I can to some degree understand, but this part is hard(?) Maybe it's because that's my problem, but could you elaborate a bit more this? What for you would be the difference or as you said the clear line between the two? 

Can emotional closeness be when you just want someone to rely on you and feel like you are their confident and vice versa and still feel what you describe as platonic nervousness? 

And in the crush case, does the person feel what you describe above (as in romantic attraction), but so light that you can't see the difference or the person doesn't even acknowledge its existence and therefore just seems like they want to share emotional closeness only? Is it both or none?

Link to post
Share on other sites

I can relate, I'm not entirely sure if what I'm calling romantic attraction is romantic attraction, but here's my description of it anyway. A strong compulsion to get to know the person better than I already do and spend a lot of time with them. I'm not entirely sure if thats romantic attraction but I hope its useful anyways. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
On 2/11/2017 at 8:01 AM, Ettina said:

Have you ever felt limerence?

While, yes, that's common, not every romantic experiences it. Not every romantic feels a need for reciprocation either.

 

 

 

@ascg4 Correct, i added that; it was not to my knowledge until recently. Because of this light of a version of romantic attraction, in this case there may not be a clear line between platonic and romantic feelings, and that's largely due to, as said, it being an emotion and thus not adequately describable, so unless we can actually mentally compare emotions we cant solidly know if someone has a light crush or a squish (aka friend crush). I guess maybe a way to tell the difference is to see in what way you want the emotional closeness; like does it have a romantic undertone i guess (while not nececerily typical romantic things)... But Quoiromantic is used more than Quoisexual because romantic is such an undefinable thing thus alot of ppl dont know if they experience it.

10 hours ago, ascg4 said:

Can emotional closeness be when you just want someone to rely on you and feel like you are their confident and vice versa and still feel what you describe as platonic nervousness?

 

And in the crush case, does the person feel what you describe above (as in romantic attraction), but so light that you can't see the difference or the person doesn't even acknowledge its existence and therefore just seems like they want to share emotional closeness only? Is it both or none?

That sounds more likely a crush. While alone those two features could be platonic, the likelihood of that with both is less likely. To clarify, every romantic's relationship preferences are different, so if someones doesn't match up with the typical rendition it doesn't automatically mean they're aromantic. Some people want low-key relationships, and that's ok, but it can be hard to find someone like that, especially one compatible with asexuals (which is where ace dating sites and meetups come in handy).

 

It can be both actually. Some people dont realize they have crushes/realize late; they weren't thinking in that direction and just never noticed; like "yah, i saw red in the rim of my peripheral vision, but i never looked over there and noticed it was a big obvious red heart".

 

 

9 hours ago, dragon_nerd said:

I can relate, I'm not entirely sure if what I'm calling romantic attraction is romantic attraction, but here's my description of it anyway. A strong compulsion to get to know the person better than I already do and spend a lot of time with them. I'm not entirely sure if thats romantic attraction but I hope its useful anyways. 

Sounds more like a squish (colloquially aka friend crush).

Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, Star Bit said:

While, yes, that's common, not every romantic experiences it. Not every romantic feels a need for reciprocation either.

 

 

 

@ascg4 Correct, i added that; it was not to my knowledge until recently. Because of this light of a version of romantic attraction, in this case there may not be a clear line between platonic and romantic feelings, and that's largely due to, as said, it being an emotion and thus not adequately describable, so unless we can actually mentally compare emotions we cant solidly know if someone has a light crush or a squish (aka friend crush). I guess maybe a way to tell the difference is to see in what way you want the emotional closeness; like does it have a romantic undertone i guess (while not nececerily typical romantic things)... But Quoiromantic is used more than Quoisexual because romantic is such an undefinable thing thus alot of ppl dont know if they experience it.

That sounds more likely a crush. While alone those two features could be platonic, the likelihood of that with both is less likely. To clarify, every romantic's relationship preferences are different, so if someones doesn't match up with the typical rendition it doesn't automatically mean they're aromantic. Some people want low-key relationships, and that's ok, but it can be hard to find someone like that, especially one compatible with asexuals (which is where ace dating sites and meetups come in handy).

 

It can be both actually. Some people dont realize they have crushes/realize late; they weren't thinking in that direction and just never noticed; like "yah, i saw red in the rim of my peripheral vision, but i never looked over there and noticed it was a big obvious red heart".

 

 

Sounds more like a squish (colloquially aka friend crush).

Thanks for the clarification. It really is a blurry line. But it helped me somewhat. It's just that I may be one of those people who are exactly on this line and that's probably why this caught my eye, when I read it. 

 

I still don't quite understand what are romantic undertones in this case or in most cases or how the emotional closeness is different between romantic or platonic. (To me it should be equal to both cases.) 

 

So let's say, someone feels what I described in the first situation, but doesn't desire more than friendship with said person, just desires the emotional closeness only and is repulsed by any kind of touch by that person, even if it's a simple pat in the shoulder, is it platonic or romantic?

 

Yes, in that situation it most be hard to actually see something when you are not looking for it and crushes pass and you don't see them or just ignore them, because you're not interested at the moment. 

 

 

 

 

Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, ascg4 said:

So let's say, someone feels what I described in the first situation, but doesn't desire more than friendship with said person, just desires the emotional closeness only and is repulsed by any kind of touch by that person, even if it's a simple pat in the shoulder, is it platonic or romantic?

It could be either. Like i said, every romantic is different, so just desiring what's typical of friendships doesn't nececerily mean there's no romantic attraction/something isn't a romantic relationship. Some people are touch averse, but they can still have romantic relationships (that just clearly avoid physical contact). So again, low-key relationships are still romantic relationships if you feel romantically. But if you can't tell, as i mentioned, there is Quoiromantic (old aka WTFromantic). Though, again, from what you've said on it it does sound like romantic attraction, even if you dont want physical contact of any kind with them. Hmm, maybe i should make a thread for touch averse romantics?

Link to post
Share on other sites
On 14/02/2017 at 1:20 AM, Star Bit said:
On 14/02/2017 at 1:20 AM, Star Bit said:

Some people are touch averse, but they can still have romantic relationships (that just clearly avoid physical contact). So again, low-key relationships are still romantic relationships if you feel romantically. 

Hmm, maybe i should make a thread for touch averse romantics?

That would be a very good and interesting thread, maybe then I would understand better what you are trying to say. I get somehow, but still it seems odd, because normally people seak emotional and physical closeness in romantic relationships, if it's just emotional then it isn't a romantic relationship, it's something like just friendship, a special friend they can share things with, you see? But not the person they are together with. (At least these are the people around me and what the friends who talk with me think. Since I have no experience in this, I can't say more than what I observe.) 

 

I understand this part. That's the case I described, because the person there couldn't see it was romantic attraction they were feeling. 

On 14/02/2017 at 1:20 AM, Star Bit said:

Like i said, every romantic is different, so just desiring what's typical of friendships doesn't nececerily mean there's no romantic attraction/something isn't a romantic relationship. 

The bold part I can somehow understand too, if both partners feel like their friendship is a romantic relationship and are happy with it, without pressure for changes in the relationship. 

 

Quoiromantic is a orientation I find very relatable and interesting, the same with Lithromantic and Aromantic. Still, I feel like I shouldn't pick any of it yet.

 

Once again, thanks for trying to help me understand this topic. :) 

 

I would write more, but that would maybe get this thread off topic (or not), since it gets out of the whole romantic attraction part and goes to more specific things, like the touch averse topic.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Made the thread, link, though i don't normally see people mention they're as such, so maybe there wont be much of a reply.

 

 

On 2/15/2017 at 4:02 PM, ascg4 said:

if it's just emotional then it isn't a romantic relationship

Again, no, the only requirement for a relationship to be romantic is the two people consenting to be together and feeling romantically (well, normally; not every couple mutually feels romantically).

Link to post
Share on other sites
On 2/15/2017 at 4:02 PM, ascg4 said:

Quoiromantic is a orientation I find very relatable and interesting, the same with Lithromantic and Aromantic. Still, I feel like I shouldn't pick any of it yet.

Correct, sometimes you can get false positives with things. If someone desires a low-key romantic relationship and they're getting too much from the relationship and end up exhibiting a normal reaction to over-reciprocation by being turned off by the person, then they may falsely assume they're Lih or Aro.

Link to post
Share on other sites

my general, not-deep advice is, assume you're romantic, but don't force yourself into relationships. enter one if and when you feel comfortable entering into one, and don't feel guilty if you just would rather not.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Diamond Ace of Hearts

I can never identify what the difference is either but I noticed one thing last week about the difference between how I feel towards my romantic interest vs how I feel towards friends. It's a small thing but here it is: I've got one of those names that invites abbreviations and nicknames. Daniel becomes Dan, Danny, Danny Boy, Dan the Man and all sorts of other good/bad/weird stuff and my surname is even more nickname-able. Anyway, I hate pretty much every name other than Dan and Daniel (and I'm not really sold on Daniel, tbh) but my romantic interest has started calling me Dan the Man spontaneously and where even my best friend would get a stern telling-off for that, when she does it, it sends a happy shiver up my spine. When friends call me names that I don't like, I know intellectually that it's a term of endearment and their way of showing affection, but emotionally I feel quite a lot like punching them, on the flip side when my romantic interest calls me Dan the Man, I know intellectually that I dislike that name but emotionally I feel quite a lot like punching the air and I smile so widely I'm in danger of straining my face muscles. It's insignificant and stupid but it's the first observable difference I've noticed and that it is possible for me to articulate.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 2 months later...
peculiargirl

I have a hard time telling the difference between friendship and romance as well, but unlike most I have seen here it is because I tend to feel extremely deeply about a person (obsessive thoughts, wanting to spend nearly all of my time with them, wanting to know everything about their lives and feelings) or really nothing at all (commonly described as an associate rather than a friend). I tend to feel strongly mostly towards men, but I am not sure that that is anything more than the fact that I have always preferred the company or men to women on the whole.

I'm currently in a situation where I sort of have a crush on a friend, but being lithromantic I am actively trying to avoid feeling that way, but at the same time most of my crush type feelings happen when we are apart, when I'm around him I am perfectly happy behaving 100% platonically (he's aro/ace, but we both enjoy casual cuddling). It's hard for me to tell if I have any romantic feelings for him at all or if it's simply the way I feel when I come upon the, for me, extremely rare feeling of a deep connection with someone. I have only ever had one other friend that I felt this way about (a girl) and none of my romantic relationships even came close.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...