Does depression sometimes accompany asexuality?

[roma62]

Greetings. I have posted before in other categories, I am married to an asexual for nearly 3 yrs now, didnt know it when I married him although I had some real signs, he never seemed to like sex and I had to initiate it the first time. He seemed terrified when I even started to talk about taking our relationship to a physical level, although he committed to me emotioanlly very quickly..... (2nd date).Anyway, Does anyone know if depression is linked to asexuality? He is always, always depressed. He takes anti depressants but fluffs it off and says there is nothing wrong with his moods. He mopes around most of the time. I try to be upbeat but usually it doesnt help him. He always says how awful he feels  phsycially, he seems to be in a lot of pain all the time, yet he goes to the gym daily and works out for 1-2 hours. Then comes home and says he is tired and achy. People who have known him longer than I have had said he was always depressed. Does anyone else experience chronic, debillitating sadness? Thanks.

[Lord Jade Cross]

Theres a mix of questions here Im not sure Im getting so I'll take them separately.

 

To start, yes depression (depending on severity) can leave a person constantly sad/unmotivated/in pain (both physical and psychological), etc. And this can last anywhere from months, years, to even a lifetime.

 

Depression has also been linked to a decreased (and in severe cases non existant) sex drive, although being asexual isnt exactly caused by depression. Antidepressants are also notorious for cutting off sex drive as well, although there are cases where people claim that their antidepresants gave them their drive back. This seems to be more of an exception than a rule.

 

Dealing with depression (with antidepressants or not) is an increadibly difficult thing. There are days when people will feel slightly more upbeat and then there are days where they feel they are a bother to existance itself. It all depends on the person and the circumstances they find themselves in.

 

 

 

[Busrider]

Personally I don't fit into his description. - Like a lot of folks on here I have been on anti depressants for a while in my past but honestly: I can't tell if they gave me a benefit at all. Sorry I am no psychiatric hypochondriac or similar well knowing layman... I guess it is best to send you looking for a self-help forum of depressed's relatives to get the broadest imaginable picture of what depression might mean to various folks. I might be far off but from my limited understanding it doesn't sound like your husband's significant main problem.

 

Sir Winston's attitude sounded convincing to me and I picked a non-sportive lifestyle for myself. I have to pull my hat for everybody who musters the determination to hit a gym weekly and can't even imagine having the energy it might take to do so daily. (Last times I had a work out plan it consisted of walking the stairs home. - I barely ever did so 2 nights in a row.)

 

I don't have the capability to understand the determination of an Endorphine junkie in an aging & aching body.

Still, I see your main problem in extremely different goals in life. - His 1-2h gym time seem like what somebody wasting 8h at work might be able to muster as family / relationship quality time each day.

I had a co-student slaving at UPS. He used to come to a campus bar after work worn down to zombie level, limited to ordering his beer and uttering "everything is crap". - I imagine your hubby in a similar situation.

You could maybe find a way to join his world in some flavor of sports but I doubt there will be much of him in your world if he lives on like that.

Interesting bit to investigate: What drives him into working out that much? - Are there goals? Do you cook too much? Are the anti depressants wrong or underdosed so he is desperately trying to generate endorphins?

[goat cheese]

I'm depressed.  I don't think I feel sad, but I live a hermit existence.  Few things interest me.  I never talk to anybody at work unless they talk to me.  I only have a few friends which I don't even care to be around.  Drink beer, smoke cigarettes, get on my computer, drive around and that's pretty much it.  I basically just live in a daydream La La fantasy land for the most part.  I guess if I were to depict my life in a movie, it would be black and white.  Driving the wasteland like Mad Max with dead trees and vegetation.  Sorry if this is too negative.  I know it turns people off.  Just trying to be as honest as I can.

[RK800]

I was diagnosed with depression over a year ago but I've, for the most part, been depression free for almost a year because of medications. My depression arose from PTSD due to childhood abuse, neglect, and trauma but I've been doing quite well.

In general I think anyone can be helped, if your spouse is still struggling with depression then the meds probably aren't right for him. It would probably benefit for him to see a psychiatrist (I know, not an easy thing but it does help) so he can get something that works for him.

Best wishes to you both!

[Anthracite_Impreza]

I have depression and have been on antidepressants for about a year, but I've never had any interest in sexual activities long before that. I also understand his tiredness as I have near constant fatigue, though that is also a more recent development. Asexuality itself isn't linked to either of these things, though most minorities do have higher levels of mental illness due to societal discrimination.

[goat cheese]

ok nowbody gives a mother fuck.  nobody cares.  I'm leaving bye.  I won't look at this anymore

[Sally]

3 minutes ago, Life Energy said:

ok nowbody gives a mother fuck.  nobody cares.  I'm leaving bye.  I won't look at this anymore

Life, that's not true.  However, this thread is about a question that was asked by OP, so we're trying to answer that person.  

[Nila24]

All my life I have been asexual. Depressed, angry or cheerful ... I am still asexual. I am not a fan of the physical experiences that release adrenaline, instead I prefer the satisfaction of having a clear conscience. I get passionate when I learn something new about science or when I indulge in philosophical ramblings, maybe I'm too passionate and that's why I've been considered a weirdo for a long time. Besides, I can not find fun for parties, sex, or nonsense talks. That does not mean that I'm a narcissist or anti-social: I just can not. Society has hurt me a lot because I am very introverted, but I am at ease with myself. I am happy being asexual.

The strongest depressions are caused by existential dissatisfaction, when the person finds no meaning to life. I suppose sexual people stop wanting sex in those periods because their brain focuses on other things that they consider more important at the time. I do not know, that's my honest opinion and sorry for my bad English. It's not my native language and I was never good at learning languages .

[Éadweard]

Depression can happen to anyone regardless 

[MrDane]

On 10/2/2017 at 2:31 PM, roma62 said:

Greetings. I have posted before in other categories, I am married to an asexual for nearly 3 yrs now, didnt know it when I married him although I had some real signs, he never seemed to like sex and I had to initiate it the first time. He seemed terrified when I even started to talk about taking our relationship to a physical level, although he committed to me emotioanlly very quickly..... (2nd date).Anyway, Does anyone know if depression is linked to asexuality? He is always, always depressed. He takes anti depressants but fluffs it off and says there is nothing wrong with his moods. He mopes around most of the time. I try to be upbeat but usually it doesnt help him. He always says how awful he feels  phsycially, he seems to be in a lot of pain all the time, yet he goes to the gym daily and works out for 1-2 hours. Then comes home and says he is tired and achy. People who have known him longer than I have had said he was always depressed. Does anyone else experience chronic, debillitating sadness? Thanks.

Hi Roma

i will comment on a few things:

 

1. Aces are not more depressed than others, as far as I know

2. People, who generally feel like they do not have much in common with others get sad and lonely. 

3. Working out for 2 hours a day could also be an escape away from dealing with other things. It is a matter of priority, but it is still using 2 out of 16 awake hours to focus on his body.

[Blondbear]

On 10/2/2017 at 2:31 PM, roma62 said:

Greetings. I have posted before in other categories, I am married to an asexual for nearly 3 yrs now, didnt know it when I married him although I had some real signs, he never seemed to like sex and I had to initiate it the first time. He seemed terrified when I even started to talk about taking our relationship to a physical level, although he committed to me emotioanlly very quickly..... (2nd date).Anyway, Does anyone know if depression is linked to asexuality? He is always, always depressed. He takes anti depressants but fluffs it off and says there is nothing wrong with his moods. He mopes around most of the time. I try to be upbeat but usually it doesnt help him. He always says how awful he feels  phsycially, he seems to be in a lot of pain all the time, yet he goes to the gym daily and works out for 1-2 hours. Then comes home and says he is tired and achy. People who have known him longer than I have had said he was always depressed. Does anyone else experience chronic, debillitating sadness? Thanks.

 

I don't know if depression is linked to asexuality but depression is linked for sure to lack of libido or interest in sex.

In general there are many factors that can shut down sexuality, the most common being:

-Birth control pills.

-Depression

-Antidepression pills

-Low testosterone

- Menopause.

 

Asexuality is highly correlated with Aspergers, BPO and other conditions.

 

Having said all that you have to think of sexuality as a car.

Let's say you want a car that goes 200 miles per hour you try to start the engine and it doesn't work, you can check everything and then you discover that the tank have no gas, you fill the tank and it starts going 200 miles per hour. In other cases you can fill the tank and the engine can't reach 200 miles because the design is not enough.

I am not implying that the engine is broken or anything just that is a different type.

 

[roma62]

6 hours ago, MrDane said:

Hi Roma

i will comment on a few things:

 

1. Aces are not more depressed than others, as far as I know

2. People, who generally feel like they do not have much in common with others get sad and lonely. 

3. Working out for 2 hours a day could also be an escape away from dealing with other things. It is a matter of priority, but it is still using 2 out of 16 awake hours to focus on his body.

thank you for commenting. I tend to agree with your comments especially #2. Thank you

[roma62]

3 hours ago, Blondbear said:

 

I don't know if depression is linked to asexuality but depression is linked for sure to lack of libido or interest in sex.

In general there are many factors that can shut down sexuality, the most common being:

-Birth control pills.

-Depression

-Antidepression pills

-Low testosterone

- Menopause.

 

Asexuality is highly correlated with Aspergers, BPO and other conditions.

 

Having said all that you have to think of sexuality as a car.

Let's say you want a car that goes 200 miles per hour you try to start the engine and it doesn't work, you can check everything and then you discover that the tank have no gas, you fill the tank and it starts going 200 miles per hour. In other cases you can fill the tank and the engine can't reach 200 miles because the design is not enough.

I am not implying that the engine is broken or anything just that is a different type.

 

thank you for your kind response its food for thought. He exhibits some female traits mostly seen in women, so its possible too that he is more inclined to be female. I dont know, it's a thought. Could be hormonal or something with his pituitary, he says he never felt sexual even as a young man, a teenager, etc, just went along with it to appease his girlfriends/spouses. None of his relationships were successful. I know he felt alienated all along, he has said this to me. He said he always felt "Lost"

[Blondbear]

2 hours ago, roma62 said:

thank you for your kind response its food for thought. He exhibits some female traits mostly seen in women, so its possible too that he is more inclined to be female. I dont know, it's a thought. Could be hormonal or something with his pituitary, he says he never felt sexual even as a young man, a teenager, etc, just went along with it to appease his girlfriends/spouses. None of his relationships were successful. I know he felt alienated all along, he has said this to me. He said he always felt "Lost"

 

I think that having a non average gender is also highly related with asexuality, and it makes sense. In other words, if somebody feels gender or feels partly woman partly man it makes sense that he doesn't experience sexual attraction. So he sounds like he is like that and he deserves to be happy and to have a great life. You also deserve to be happy and fulfilled, if he doesn't make you happy, staying with him out of pity or out of compassion it's not worth. You have to feel happiness also and not sadness or desperation.

[lapat67]

Tomorrow there's a talk here (university of East Anglia) titled:

LGBT Mental Health - Compelling Evidence from the UK

As part of LGBT History month Dr Joanna Semlyen from the School of Medicine will be giving a talk on LGBT mental health.  

 

Many studies have shown that adults who identity as lesbian, gay, bisexual or trans (LGBT) are at increased risk of common mental disorder symptoms such as anxiety and depression.  In this talk, Dr Semlyen will discuss the findings from recent population data studies on sexual orientation in the wider context of LGBT mental health and its impact on physical health.

Dr Joanna Semlyen joined Norwich Medical School in May 2016. Her research focuses on the mental and physical health of minority and vulnerable groups and she has a particular expertise in the area of health inequalities in gender and sexual minorities.  

For more about Joanna Semlyen click here

 

If I remember I'll report back on the talk.

[roma62]

16 hours ago, lapat67 said:

Tomorrow there's a talk here (university of East Anglia) titled:

LGBT Mental Health - Compelling Evidence from the UK

As part of LGBT History month Dr Joanna Semlyen from the School of Medicine will be giving a talk on LGBT mental health.  

 

Many studies have shown that adults who identity as lesbian, gay, bisexual or trans (LGBT) are at increased risk of common mental disorder symptoms such as anxiety and depression.  In this talk, Dr Semlyen will discuss the findings from recent population data studies on sexual orientation in the wider context of LGBT mental health and its impact on physical health.

Dr Joanna Semlyen joined Norwich Medical School in May 2016. Her research focuses on the mental and physical health of minority and vulnerable groups and she has a particular expertise in the area of health inequalities in gender and sexual minorities.  

For more about Joanna Semlyen click here

 

If I remember I'll report back on the talk.

thank you for posting

[Fox6]

Absolutely. Society and the media teaches us that romance and sex are the best things in life, so many asexuals feel miserable. That said, his situation is not necessarily caused by his sexual orientation.

[roma62]

15 hours ago, Fox6 said:

Absolutely. Society and the media teaches us that romance and sex are the best things in life, so many asexuals feel miserable. That said, his situation is not necessarily caused by his sexual orientation.

thank you for responding. He began drinking as a teen in the early 70's, I think perhaps he started drinking when he felt alienated to deaden the pain of what he was feeling.....different from his peers who were all experimenting with sex in high school. And then depression just became part of the cycle of drinking for the next 2 decades of his life. Depression still with him all the time. Its difficult to live as his friend and not a real wife. I can do it, it's not the end of the world it's just very difficult, and requires me to look deep into myself and muster up the unselfishness to be what he needs..... a companion and nothing else. It explains why he was single for so long and why his former relationships were not close and very short-lived. Had he known about AVEN he might have been able to meet someone on here who was more like him, and it would have been better all around

[goat cheese]

3 hours ago, roma62 said:

thank you for responding. He began drinking as a teen in the early 70's, I think perhaps he started drinking when he felt alienated to deaden the pain of what he was feeling.....different from his peers who were all experimenting with sex in high school. And then depression just became part of the cycle of drinking for the next 2 decades of his life. Depression still with him all the time. Its difficult to live as his friend and not a real wife. I can do it, it's not the end of the world it's just very difficult, and requires me to look deep into myself and muster up the unselfishness to be what he needs..... a companion and nothing else. It explains why he was single for so long and why his former relationships were not close and very short-lived. Had he known about AVEN he might have been able to meet someone on here who was more like him, and it would have been better all around

Why don't you discuss AVEN with him?

 

[nanogretchen4]

In my opinion alcoholics drink because they are addicted rather than because of any of the other supposed "reasons". If he is still drinking the first thing that needs to happen is he needs to get to AA or an addiction treatment program. Severe, constant, longterm depression such as you describe is not likely to be situational, either. It's probably a chemical imbalance. He needs to see a psychiatrist and say that his current meds aren't working and ask what the next step is. Of course, if he's still drinking I'm guessing the alcohol isn't playing nice with his psychiatric meds, so that's a problem. I doubt introducing him to AVEN will cure either of those two problems, though it probably won't do any harm either.

 

The thing is, both addicts and severely depressed people are too wrapped up in their own stuff to hold up their end of a marriage. So if he's going to pursue appropriate treatment with an eye to taking on his share of the emotional work in the foreseeable future, great. If things are just going to continue as they are indefinitely, maybe marriage just isn't something he has the time or energy for. Plus, oh yeah, you have incompatible sexual orientations, unless his apparent asexuality is a symptom of all the other stuff that's going on.

[roma62]

9 hours ago, nanogretchen4 said:

In my opinion alcoholics drink because they are addicted rather than because of any of the other supposed "reasons". If he is still drinking the first thing that needs to happen is he needs to get to AA or an addiction treatment program. Severe, constant, longterm depression such as you describe is not likely to be situational, either. It's probably a chemical imbalance. He needs to see a psychiatrist and say that his current meds aren't working and ask what the next step is. Of course, if he's still drinking I'm guessing the alcohol isn't playing nice with his psychiatric meds, so that's a problem. I doubt introducing him to AVEN will cure either of those two problems, though it probably won't do any harm either.

 

The thing is, both addicts and severely depressed people are too wrapped up in their own stuff to hold up their end of a marriage. So if he's going to pursue appropriate treatment with an eye to taking on his share of the emotional work in the foreseeable future, great. If things are just going to continue as they are indefinitely, maybe marriage just isn't something he has the time or energy for. Plus, oh yeah, you have incompatible sexual orientations, unless his apparent asexuality is a symptom of all the other stuff that's going on.

he has been "recovered alcoholic" (sober) since 1990, although sometimes he acts as if he is drunk so I cant be too sure he doesnt have booze stashed somewhere. Aside from that, he says he has always been depressed. The other night we talked about why we havent been intimate in 3 months. He blamed it on me because I am not affectionate enough with him. I dont feel like being affectionate with him because he is not sexual with me, so it's a vicious circle. Yet we love each other. Going to a therapist on March 1, I hope she has some help for me. I dont want to divorce him. I'm in a strange position. I need to find a way to be happy without any sexual contact which is my challenge

[roma62]

21 hours ago, Life Energy said:

Why don't you discuss AVEN with him?

 

he would go berserck if I even hinted that he was asexual, since he tells me repeatedly that I am the one with the sex problem and he is normal (by not wanting sex). He never accepts blame (not that asexuality is to blame anyone) but he can never look at himself and his problems with any honesty. It's always someone else's fault. He has a huge ego and is extremely stubborn. He has a bad temper and I dont want to get him aggitated.

 

[lapat67]

The talk by Joanna Semlyen was very interesting, but I didn't take any notes, so this is from memory only:

Based on a large sample, 95,000, 1% of UK inhabitants self-identify as homosexual, 1% as bisexual, and 1% as other (which would include asexuals, as the only other category was heterosexual).

She referred to research that has shown that belonging to a minority is stressful because of the majority-normative bias in everything from doctors' questionnaires to inheritance law.

When I her asked her thoughts on finding out how many non-heterosexuals there might be who don't self-identify, she thought that the main problem was the lack of fluidity in public opinion, which leads people to live in the closet rather than be pushed into a box that doesn't fit. Which I thought was fair enough, but I actually think that showing that the minority is not so small after all could actually help achieve that. After all, that was the whole thrust of her research. And someone whose name I forget has shown that as society becomes more accepting, the number of bisexuals keeps growing, which I think supports this notion that there's positive feedback between being counted and there being less need to and stress in being counted.

[QueenOfTheRats]

For me it is linked.