KNS Posted February 8, 2017 Share Posted February 8, 2017 Hello people, So I'm a 26 yo female married to my best friend from 6th grade. We have been married a little over a year now and we were each other's firsts. Everything in our relationship fits perfectly, we have great communication, the same humor and morals..There's just one problem, he just made the discovery that he is likely asexual. We've never had a ton of sex before but ever since we got married it's just been less and less. We fight about it frequently enough that it's a problem. He says he's more gray asexual and finds me attractive and is in love with me but we're in the process of trying to figure out how we can find a compromise for my desire to have sex and his maybe 10% desire for sex. Help! Where is the compromise? How do you find a compromise without feeling like you're making your asexual partner do something they don't want to do? I'm seeing my therapist and he will be seeing one of her colleagues next month...But until then, we argue, because we don't understand each other. This was sprung on both of us recently so it's both new, unwanted and scary. I love him, I've always loved him. I don't want this to ruin us and I don't want to let go of sex. So if anyone can tell me where the compromise is and ways to work through this, I would be very grateful! Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
Appalachian Sprite Posted February 8, 2017 Share Posted February 8, 2017 Hi KNS, Sorry to hear about your troubles! I've had a similar experience to yours, except I was the gray in the relationship, married to my middle school sweetheart. Unfortunately, neither I nor my partner understood anything about asexuality until it was far too late, and our relationship ended after a total of fifteen years. I can understand your concerns about "making your asexual partner do something they don't want to do" since that's exactly the kind of cyclical argument I had with my ex. He'd state he was saddened by our lack of intimacy and I would try to "correct" the behavior, thinking if I could approach it like forming a habit, it would lead to less stress. Within a few months, he'd state that he felt uncomfortable because he perceived my actions as being forced and unnatural so I would back off. Rinse. Repeat. Without the honest and open communication, other aspects of the relationship began to fail; e.g. the cuddling I liked to participate in disappeared since I'd begun fearing he'd interpret it as something that would lead to further intimacy. Seeking help from a therapist can be useful, although I feel I should caution you that some therapists are not aware of asexuality, or may misinterpret it as a different symptom of an underlying cause. I had a marriage counselor tell me that maybe I was just a late bloomer. At 29. There comes a point when that line becomes ridiculous. Mismatched sex drives are common, even within the sexual community. The key really is compromise. If you and your husband have been sexually active before, he may be sex-positive. He may be sex-indifferent. Have you discussed these aspects with him? Has he had enough time to consider all the aspects of his identity? Maybe you can come to an agreement on certain activities that fulfill both your emotional and physical needs? These links are some things that have been passed around on AVEN threads before and may prove useful to you! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tDTx2eWGPSU&t=133s https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xoYxd3E3UXU I wish you both the best of luck and hope you both find your happiness! Link to post Share on other sites
KNS Posted February 8, 2017 Author Share Posted February 8, 2017 I'm so sorry to hear your relationship couldn't be saved. 😞 We desperately don't want that to happen. It's all so new right now that the not understanding is more than half the battle. He is concerned that I will grow to either resent him or never look at sex the same way, that I will always see it as a forced act for him. He assured me that he only ever has it because HE genuinely wants to. I need to learn to get that out of my head. My therapist is very understanding and assures us that we will get through this, the guy my husband will be seeing sounds pretty promising too. I have never heard of sex-positive or sex-indifferent so thank you for sharing those links. I'm glad to have this website too. Here's hoping it sheds some light on this new obstacle. Thank you for your advice and for sharing your story!! Link to post Share on other sites
Appalachian Sprite Posted February 8, 2017 Share Posted February 8, 2017 Oh, no worries. The relationship ended as amicably as possible because ultimately we just wanted the other person to be happy, even if that meant permanent separation and seeking other partners. As for your situation, both your and your husband's concerns are valid, and I'm glad to hear you're listening to what the other is saying. If he's acting on it when he genuinely wants to be intimate with you, that's a helpful sign. Many people on the asexual spectrum fall into categories of sex-positive, sex-indifferent, or sex-repulsed/negative. If they're sex-positive, they may enjoy sex greatly as a physical activity. The indifferents (like myself) can be very "take it or leave it, it doesn't matter." Those who are sex-repulsed/negative tend to want nothing to do with sex ever. They may experiment a bit to determine if it's just been a bad first time, others know from the very beginning and will not pursue avenues of sexual intimacy at all. There are threads in various forums of success stories of mixed relationships. We know it can get messy and overwhelming sometimes, so I hope you find additional support whenever you need it. Link to post Share on other sites
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