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Family won't accept I'm asexual?


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Hello everyone :) First of all, I want to say a little bit about myself. I'm a 18 years old (turning 19 in august) virgin girl and I've never been in a relationship before, I've never kissed anyone either. I'm still interested in romance & I'd like to be in a (non-sexual) relationship someday. Wall of text coming up:

I always knew something was up with me, and two years ago, when I was 16, I found out I was asexual. I came out to my family (parents & siblings) soon after that. To be honest... it didn't go very well. It wasn't too bad either, but my family pretty much told me the usual "acephobic" stuff ; "you didn't find the right one yet", "but you're still a virgin", "how do you know if you never tried it?", "one day you'll want to have sex", "you'll see once you have a partner" bla bla bla. It was pretty upsetting for me, before that I've been feeling so out of place because of my lack of sexual attraction sometimes. I know that to the rest of the world, I'm a weirdo, I'm a prude, I'm too innocent or too young. It's annoying. And really disappointing coming from my gay brother who's pro-LGBT, he thought and still thinks I'm just trying to be special (lol).

Though I thought they just needed to get used to it and that they'll eventually accept me for who I am. But, no. Just today, my mom and my older sister kept pressuring me and telling me that one day I will want to have sex and I will want to have kids as well, even though I keep telling them no (though I know I could change my mind about kids). This is making me so uncomfortable and it can even make me feel anxious. And I'm starting to lose my patience, to be honest. I'm aware they can't understand what it's like to be asexual, and I can't understand being a sexual person either. But my close friends have all been really accepting and kind about my asexuality. They don't care that much, because they know it doesn't affect them personally. Why can't my family do the same, seriously? I've never heard my parents tell my brother he wasn't gay and he just needed to have sex with a girl to know for sure, or that he just didn't find the right girl yet. This is really frustrating for me. Ever since I came out, I tried to bring up my asexuality now and then (when needed or when the topic came up) to my family to make it more "normal" to them. I thought, if they hear about it more, they'll accept me. But it's hard to be taken seriously when you're a 18 years old virgin, especially when my two siblings (and my mom) were all late bloomers. But I know I'm not a late bloomer. I don't know how to explain it, but I just know it.

I'm so sick of hearing almost on a daily basis now "You'll change, you'll see", "You'll want to have sex once you find the right one", "You're missing out", like, no, stop! I'm so tired of it, I was on the verge of tears because I was so upset and frustrated. Why is it such a big deal to them... I just want them to accept me as I am and stop being rude/condescending about it. My brother even made fun of me for being asexual the other day and my sister laughed, I felt humiliated. And because of someone who claims to be f*cking "pro-LGBT" and "accepting". Yeah my *ss. Sorry for the bad words but I'm just really angry right now. 

I don't know what's worse ; them pressuring me into the idea that I will have sex someday (even though I know I won't), or them not even taking me seriously at all. I believe they seriously think I'm stupid and immature and I don't know what life or sex is. Yesterday I thought my mom was finally starting to get it when she told me that all that matters is that I'm happy, but then there's the stuff she told me today. I guess I just need to accept the fact that they will never take me seriously (even though I never lie to them, so I don't know why they don't trust me). I was so upset today that I told them I would never ever talk about it again because of the way they keep denying what I'm feeling. And knowing them, I'm pretty sure they'll find an excuse for every asexual thing I do. Like, I get in a non-sexual relationship with someone? They'll tell me that person's not the right one otherwise I'd want to sleep with them. They'll tell me my relationship isn't a "real relationship" because there's no sex. Pretty sure they'll still think I'm a late bloomer until I hit my 40s, probably. It's never going to stop. And it makes me so sad because of all people, I thought my family would be the most supportive. Instead they deny it and make me go through what I'm feeling right now. It s*cks. Thankfully my close friends are there for me, because if they weren't there, I'd be depressed. Also I think the fact that one of my friends lost her virginity not too long ago (she's one year older than me) "helped" my family telling me "See? You will do the same, I'm sure of it" ... they don't even realize that sex and virginity for me isn't important at all? I don't care about being a virgin. I don't want sex. To me, it's unecessary, and the idea of it makes me cringe, I just really find it disgusting (i'm sex-repulsed), even though I'm aware it's a normal thing to do and if there was no sex, there wouldn't be life and all that. But I can't help the way I'm feeling and they don't get that. It's just how I am. 

Sorry, I'm pretty much ranting right now lol. Are you guys going through the same type of thing? What would you do in my situation?

 

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I mean I'm not suggesting arson but....yeah, arson.

Oi, it's a joke. Don't ban me.

 

Honestly? Maybe things will change, but that's irrelevant considering they should at the very damn least support you. I came out to my family nearly three years ago and while many things have changed my orientation isn't one of them. You're certainly not alone. For example; I came out to my Mother as trans (well I was actually kind of outed but that ain't the point) and while she's always been "I totally support LGBTQ+ rights" and all that, along with her being bi, she has completely refused to refer to me as male because "it's just too difficult" and I'll "always be a daughter".

The best thing you can do is try to educate, show that there are other people who are much farther along in life and still feel the same, and firmly say you're just not interested when it's brought up.

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8 minutes ago, ~Syl~ said:

I mean I'm not suggesting arson but....yeah, arson.

Oi, it's a joke. Don't ban me.

 

Honestly? Maybe things will change, but that's irrelevant considering they should at the very damn least support you. I came out to my family nearly three years ago and while many things have changed my orientation isn't one of them. You're certainly not alone. For example; I came out to my Mother as trans (well I was actually kind of outed but that ain't the point) and while she's always been "I totally support LGBTQ+ rights" and all that, along with her being bi, she has completely refused to refer to me as male because "it's just too difficult" and I'll "always be a daughter".

The best thing you can do is try to educate, show that there are other people who are much farther along in life and still feel the same, and firmly say you're just not interested when it's brought up.

That actually made me laugh xD 

Yeah, that's what I think too. And it's not like I don't have libido or anything (i do get aroused at naked women's bodies but i have no desire to touch them and i don't want them to touch me either lol. i also masturbate but most of the time it's to relieve stress or to stop myself from being aroused 'cause it's annoying), I just genuiely am not interested. I keep telling & explaining to them what it's like but they don't care, they're 100% sure they're right and that I'm too young to know /sigh/. They keep rubbing sex topics in my face everyday and sometimes they forget I'm ace so they'll say to me in a condescending tone "Oh, right, you're asexual". I don't know if they realize how sh*tty they make me feel. .-.    

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Just now, The Frost Dragon said:

First off, *hugs*.

 

I actually haven't told my family yet for fear of this. I've been hinting at it for a while now, saying that I'm not concerned at all about finding "the one" anytime soon. Though the fact that my roommate, who's a year younger than me, has a boyfriend is not going to help, I'm sure.

 

I wish I had some wise and profound advice to offer, but I unfortunately do not. I'm basically in the same boat you are, only I haven't breathed a word of being biromantic and asexual to my family yet.

 

Maybe with time, they'll realize that their words are hurtful.

Aw, thanks *hugs*

I used to do that for a while before coming out to my family. But I felt confident about coming out since my brother came out as gay a few years ago and my parents learnt to accept him as such. I thought, "being ace isn't a big deal, they won't be too mad", so I told them. In a way, I wish I never did. It would've saved me a lot of tears lol.  
And good luck with that haha.

Yeah, I'm biromantic as well. I came out as ace two years ago but only came out as biromantic a few months ago, even though I knew I was biromantic since I was 12, even if I didn't know the word at the time. When I told my brother I was bi, he was like "but aren't you asexual" so I said "yeah, asexual and biromantic". He then told me "Oh, so basically you're pansexual?" ... then he pretty much told me I was taking it too far and that I was trying too hard to be special. I don't even know what to say to this lol.

I hope so, but at the same time I think it's unlikely, unless they change their personalities. They're stubborn, they always want to be right. They probably think I can't be right because I'm the youngest of the family. Like I said, it's never going to stop.. Tbh now I just want to move in with a partner somewhere else where I would feel accepted and all. It's not so bad in a way, it'll help me leave my parents' house without feeling too bad. xD

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I've been where you are. I'm now 18, and I came out to my parents and best friend when I was 17. They all gave me the usual acephobic stuff, "you can't know yet" and "you just haven't found the right one." I live in a dorm at university now, and I'm totally out at uni. My parents have, over the last year or so, begun to come to terms with it. However, they still aren't totally accepting and seem to think that it's a bad that most of my uni friends are queer of some description. I'm also panromantic, and I'm only out at uni and to one person at home. I also have a girlfriend now, and my parents are coming up this weekend. 

 

Here's my advice: just avoid the subject if possible, and if not, then spend the most time as possible with people who accept your identity. It's going to be hard, I know. But until they accept you, there isn't much you can do. If you want to, maybe try educating your parents about asexuality and see if that helps them to understand. Otherwise, only time will tell. PM me if you want someone to talk to or just a friend.

 

Good luck, my friend. Have some cake :cake:

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Can't really give you much advice since I haven't come out yet. To parents and the society, its more accepting to be homosexual than asexual. It just seems to be "abnormal" to the society if you don't want to have sex. 

i don't think I'd ever want to come out to my parents, tho I know I will sooner or later, cuz I think they'd have pretty much the same reaction as your parents and they won't accept or understand me. I don't think they'd even try to understand me. 

And your brother, sry no offence, but is really pissing me off. I mean it's not like you're questioning his sexuality so why the hell is he doing that, he has no rights to say that you're trying to be "special". I mean, it really doesn't have anything to do with him.

 

Hopefully your family comes to, or at least tries to, understand you.  

sorry not much help from me. 😥

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nkpookie,

 

The best advice I can give you is to just try to be happy with your life. Some people out there will never accept the fact that asexuality is real or that people can lead normal lives without ever having sex. If you can somehow prove to your family that living a happy, full life without sex is possible, they might be more willing to accept you. Just a suggestion. Bottom line, just live your life and be happy and hopefully your family will be happy for you. And remember, you can always come to this cite and talk to us about anything.

 

EPLarson.

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Anthracite_Impreza

It worries me how much your family is pressuring you about sex; I was under the impression parents are supposed to put you off for as long as possible...

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1 hour ago, n.triteleia said:

I've been where you are. I'm now 18, and I came out to my parents and best friend when I was 17. They all gave me the usual acephobic stuff, "you can't know yet" and "you just haven't found the right one." I live in a dorm at university now, and I'm totally out at uni. My parents have, over the last year or so, begun to come to terms with it. However, they still aren't totally accepting and seem to think that it's a bad that most of my uni friends are queer of some description. I'm also panromantic, and I'm only out at uni and to one person at home. I also have a girlfriend now, and my parents are coming up this weekend. 

 

Here's my advice: just avoid the subject if possible, and if not, then spend the most time as possible with people who accept your identity. It's going to be hard, I know. But until they accept you, there isn't much you can do. If you want to, maybe try educating your parents about asexuality and see if that helps them to understand. Otherwise, only time will tell. PM me if you want someone to talk to or just a friend.

 

Good luck, my friend. Have some cake :cake:

Ugh, I'm rolling my eyes just reading the acephobic stuff lol. It's so annoying, like, why can't people just trust us and be nice about it?
Also, congrats for your girlfriend! 

Yeah, that's what I'm going to do. My brother plans on moving out to another country soon, so that'll help a little (most of the time he's the one bringing up my asexuality during lunch or dinner). I love my family to bits, apart from their acephobic comments, they're really awesome. They're always there for me and everything, just not when it comes to my asexuality, which is a bit sad. And I'm done educating my parents about asexuality, I've been doing that for two years. Now I'm just repeating myself to them and they repeat themselves to me :/ Thanks for the suggestion btw :) 

Thanks :D yumyum cake. 
 

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1 hour ago, Annie9 said:

Can't really give you much advice since I haven't come out yet. To parents and the society, its more accepting to be homosexual than asexual. It just seems to be "abnormal" to the society if you don't want to have sex. 

i don't think I'd ever want to come out to my parents, tho I know I will sooner or later, cuz I think they'd have pretty much the same reaction as your parents and they won't accept or understand me. I don't think they'd even try to understand me. 

And your brother, sry no offence, but is really pissing me off. I mean it's not like you're questioning his sexuality so why the hell is he doing that, he has no rights to say that you're trying to be "special". I mean, it really doesn't have anything to do with him.

 

Hopefully your family comes to, or at least tries to, understand you.  

sorry not much help from me. 😥

Sometimes it s*cks being asexual because of things like that. Everyone is accepting transexuals and homosexuals (and they should anyway), heck, even non-binary people are starting to get representation now and then. But us asexuals barely get anything, and as a result, people think we're making this up and we're lying. It's really unfair, and it's so sad that probably most asexuals discovered they were asexual on internet instead of in school. It's really something that bothers me in society.

Yeah, my family (except my dad I guess, he didn't say a single word about it so I don't know how he feels about it) doesn't even try to understand. They're convinced they're right and I'm wrong, there's just no use in trying to get them to understand me anymore at this point. They'll eventually open their eyes once I'm an old lady and still asexual haha. 
And nah, I don't take offense to that. I love my brother but he can be a real *ss sometimes. I also feel the same way. I've often thought about telling him "I don't judge you so why are you judging me? It's not like it's affecting your life", but I never said it because I know he will be offended that I'd compare homosexuality to asexuality lol. He's one of those lgbt people who believes asexuals don't belong in the lgbt community, so. It's making me so upset because I'm one of the first people he came out to back then, and I was still a kid at the time, but I accepted him and defended him when my dad would start acting homophobic with him, I've been so supportive. He's the one who made me understand that it wasn't weird or wrong to be in a same-sex relationship because love and consent is what matters, not the gender/sex. It's sad because he can't do the same for me, because he doesn't even believe me.

And I hope so too. :( 
 

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1 hour ago, EPLarson said:

nkpookie,

 

The best advice I can give you is to just try to be happy with your life. Some people out there will never accept the fact that asexuality is real or that people can lead normal lives without ever having sex. If you can somehow prove to your family that living a happy, full life without sex is possible, they might be more willing to accept you. Just a suggestion. Bottom line, just live your life and be happy and hopefully your family will be happy for you. And remember, you can always come to this cite and talk to us about anything.

 

EPLarson.

Yeah, I've realized that today. To my family, a relationship without sex isn't really a relationship. I know for a fact that my siblings and my mom would never go in a non-sexual relationship with someone, they just need it I guess. I don't know about my dad though (and I don't really wanna know haha).
I'm probably going to be in a non-sexual relationship someday so I hope that when I do, they'll finally open their eyes about asexuality. When my sister told me today "you're missing out", I was so offended. Like, you don't need sex to be happy, well at least not in my opinion. I really don't get all the fuss about it lol.

 

Yeah that's what I'm trying to do haha, but sometimes the acephobic comments of my family come right back at me haha, but now I'm going to avoid talking about it. I told my family that today anyway. And thanks!

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36 minutes ago, Anthracite_Impreza said:

It worries me how much your family is pressuring you about sex; I was under the impression parents are supposed to put you off for as long as possible...

That's what I thought too x) My best friend was also worried when I talked about all of this to her months ago, and she asked me to not go around and sleep with some random person just to "try it", but nah, I'm not like that. I'm not even curious about it, I just don't want to have anything to do with it. I'm still okay with sex jokes though haha.

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53 minutes ago, nkpookie said:

 When my sister told me today "you're missing out", I was so offended. Like, you don't need sex to be happy, well at least not in my opinion. I really don't get all the fuss about it lol.

same here, it wasn't my sister (tho i'm pretty sure she's guessed that i'm asexual) but my former friend (who recently got together with someone) once said it as a joke. this is what she said: "why are you asexual, you're so missing out". I was offended but i didn't really say anything to them. I mean i know she didn't meant it in a bad way but something about it just kinda upset me. 

 

as for my family, i think my older sister wouldn't say anything much since i doubt she'd care. my youngest sibling might not mind it either but my other sister will surely say something to hurt me, she's kinda like my mom. My mom will however tell me that i'm young and that it's a phase, even if i'm around 27 years old (i'm planning on telling her then and that's like in 11 years). 

i did try testing the waters and i can say that it didn't go that well, she said that asexuality didn't exist and that people just make these kind of things up. 

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Sorry you're faced with this situation TC; it's many aces' worst nightmares, and it's painful to basically be stabbed in the back by people you thought would understand. I'm only out to my mom and bro (and some friends), and my mom is still hesitant to accept the whole thing. She doesn't understand the fact that I don't desire a partner, so she's in that weird limbo of supposedly accepting it yet denying it at the same time. I'm a 22 y.o. virgin guy, and I've never been in a relationship, so I'm in a similar boat.

 

Depending on what you want, you have some options:

1. Just ignore them: You said your piece, they don't accept it, so it's not worth the effort to convince them. It's not the greatest path, but it's the path of least resistance.

2. Keep trying: Reaffirm your convictions and try to show that asexuality is real and valid. Show them stuff online or refer them to AVEN so they'll see this isn't some "fad."

3. Wait it out: People change; it'll take time for them to accept it. If you're about to enter college, people expect you to be sexually active, so maybe after you show you're "above" that, they'll realize you're serious.

Etc.

 

Good luck and remember that this site is with you. ^_^

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You learn to fake it to fit it. 

Fake it so well that only your partner and closest confidants know. 

You hide really ace moments with a flourish and a sense of humour. 

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  • 10 months later...

I made an account just so I can comment on this post!!! I don't even know what I was Googling but I found your post and I was like... damn did I write this lol. I'm almost in the same exact place as you (except I'm 99.99% sure my brother is straight. Who knows for sure, sexuality is fluid). I haven't officially come out to my family yet, only to my friends. I had to explain to my brother what asexuality is a couple months ago and his immediate response was, "What? That doesn't make sense. Humans literally exist to procreate. How else would we be here?" Y'all I tried so hard not to roll my eyes out of my skull lol. He's very ignorant of everything that doesn't involve himself, unfortunately. And I'm also sex-repulsed -- when thinking of myself having sex (I've never had sex, never been in a relationship or fling or anything) and my family (mostly my mom) makes so many offhand comments like, "Oh, when you have kids you'll understand..." or "I'll save this toy for when you have kids" even when I have clearly stated that I don't want kids and I don't want to be a mother. Honestly, idek if I wanna come out to my family. It's not really their business anyway. They'll probably figure it out either when I'm 60 years old and childless or if I wave around the ace flag at a pride parade. I also come from an East Asian family so they're not the most open-minded :/ My friends have been my strongest support system though!! I first started wondering if I'm on the ace spectrum in like March of this year and I just realized I'm ace once I started college in early September. I first came out to my new college friends (more like i was like "wait you guys feel sexual attraction" and they were like "yeah" and i was like "oh can't relate" and they were like "maybe you're ace?" and i was like BRUH........ and that's when i realized lmaooo). I also told my friends from back home and they were so supportive and some didn't know what asexuality is but I explained and they were so accepting. idk why I'm writing all this but BASICALLY I RELATE! TO YOUR POST!! SO MUCH!!!

keep your friends close and remember that you don't need to share your business with anyone -- unless you want to. i'm wishing you the best :)

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