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Whats your compromise?


DJKaf

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Hey would love to hear from other sexuals married to asexuals what your compromise is, how you structure it. Do you have an open arrangement? a poly arrangement? Does your asexual partner agree to sex on some conditions/timeframe etc. Or do you just go without :o forever....... 

 

Because it must exist that these relationships don't all fall apart....

 

I'm very open to trying to make our marriage work sexually for both of us. It works in all other aspects, its not perfect but we work on it. My husband is asexual and I'm not. I guess I see in a perfect world maybe a poly sort of situation. I don't know how he would feel about that but I'm just trying to get some more experiences before I really delve deeper in the future. Im happy now where we are at which is raising a small child with the hopes of one more to join our family soon. And thats not the time of my life I really need sex, but looking forward it will become a problem. So trying to get my ducks in a line before we get to that point.

 

thanks

DJ

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Hi DJ

I am in a similar situation, but it's very new to us. My husband and I have only been married for a little over a year and he just discovered he's gray asexual a couple of weeks ago. We didn't have a super active sex life, most of the time he would blame not wanting to on not feeling good from allergies or stomach problems. I went down the same road, wondering if he was gay, wasn't interested in me or just really not feeling good THAT often. Now he's confident that with this new found description, we will be more rock solid than ever and even have MORE sex! ((((???)))) 

We have agreed that an open marriage is out of the question for us. He doesn't want me to become emotionally attached to another man, which would probably happen because sex is not just sex for me, it's how I express my love for HIM and I don't want to give that to anyone else...And I don't want him to want me to. I think adding another person to the mix would be detrimental to an already complicated situation. SO, the compromise....My therapist said "well what about other ways of being intimate? Showering together, laying in bed naked together..." All things my husband says tie into the sexual category he doesn't always have a desire for....So here I am...Feeling unattractive, sexually frustrated, and disconnected from my husband.

 

I told him to brainstorm on what he thought would constitute intimacy without sex. He has come up with the idea of working out together because "couples that sweat together, stay together"..... Honestly, I want to sweat in other ways lol but hell, I'll give it a try. If anything it will help release some mental stress. 

 

My suggestion, don't give up. We're not. My husband says with such confidence that he and I WILL find our compromise and we WILL make it. When we do find that sweet spot that makes us both content sexually and asexually, I will be sure to share. But for now, keep it going, leave monogamy, monogamy, try working out together, try masturbating! That's on my list (not thrilled but gotta do what I gotta do) stay positive, hard as it is.... Believe me...I've been crying at least once a day for the past week. I feel like I'm losing my best friend, my love and my soul mate. But I'm not. I won't. And you won't either. Work on good, positive self talk too. You are beautiful, strong and you two WILL get through this! 

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Hello, DJ.

We’re not married, but I really hope we will be one day. My partner is asexual and, since I’m a monogamist, an open relationship is not an option.

Our compromise is, basically, what KNS’s therapist suggested – other kinds of intimacy. We can cuddle and make out for hours, and in his every touch I feel how much he cares for me. Also, he is very sensitive of my needs and makes sure I have an orgasm, even though we don’t have sex. Or, rather, I feel that we do have sex – it’s just not the traditional genital or oral sex, it’s our kind of sex.

Sometimes I really miss the traditional kind, but with what I have, I feel that I can pretty easily do without.

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Hi! I think the only people that can answer what compromise will work for you is to talk openly ly about it. Expect high emotions. But KEEP TALKING otherwise if either of you shut down it will just get worse. We recently discovered after 20 years of marriage I have an identity and I'm asexual/demisexual all this time I thought I was broken! It's been a rollercoaster like KNS said it's been a rough week. 

We ruled out poly/open marriage also and also ruled out divorce. But some people are OK with those options. I could hardly handle talking about him having sex with other people without spiralling and so my answer to that was divorce which he said no way....Whew! But the best option I have seen and experienced so far is being open with your partner and discussing it. You are lucky to do this early on! 

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46 minutes ago, Sunket said:

 Expect high emotions. But KEEP TALKING otherwise if either of you shut down it will just get worse.

I’d be careful about recommending talking and pushing through high emotions – it’s not for everybody. Some people become rush and impulsive when forced into things – including conversations. For some it might be better to take things slow and gentle, have small talks when they’re ready etc. Yes, you shouldn’t stop trying and definitely shouldn’t expect things to solve themselves, but detailed conversations aren’t for everybody.

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On 8/2/2017 at 4:19 AM, DJKaf said:

Hey would love to hear from other sexuals married to asexuals what your compromise is, how you structure it. Do you have an open arrangement? a poly arrangement? Does your asexual partner agree to sex on some conditions/timeframe etc. Or do you just go without :o forever....... 

 

Because it must exist that these relationships don't all fall apart....

 

I'm very open to trying to make our marriage work sexually for both of us. It works in all other aspects, its not perfect but we work on it. My husband is asexual and I'm not. I guess I see in a perfect world maybe a poly sort of situation. I don't know how he would feel about that but I'm just trying to get some more experiences before I really delve deeper in the future. Im happy now where we are at which is raising a small child with the hopes of one more to join our family soon. And thats not the time of my life I really need sex, but looking forward it will become a problem. So trying to get my ducks in a line before we get to that point.

 

thanks

DJ

My advice would be, to try to start of with something which sounds a bit like a business-deal. 

"I would really like to have sex once every...."

"that would be to much for me, but if we could agree on every...."

"does it make a difference to you, if it is shceduled and the terms are mutually agreed upon?"

"well, i can give you a...., but dont expect me to .... that often"

"i will try to think of it as a loving massagd with a happy ending!"

"sounds better, but if I feel off?"

"then tell me, i dont want you to do things which is against you. Perhaps, i would like to make a new 'date', then!

"let us start with this timeframe and talk about how we feel about when we have launched it! And tried it for a while!"

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1 hour ago, Lara Black said:

I’d be careful about recommending talking and pushing through high emotions – it’s not for everybody. Some people become rush and impulsive when forced into things – including conversations. For some it might be better to take things slow and gentle, have small talks when they’re ready etc. Yes, you shouldn’t stop trying and definitely shouldn’t expect things to solve themselves, but detailed conversations aren’t for everybody.

Oh of course, I mean over a period of time, don't push or rush but also don't ignore it. And also maybe become more familiar with the way your ace partner thinks by reading and watching videos. Everyone thinks a little differently but Ace vs sexual ways of thinking are very different. My husband thinks I don't love him or find him attractive because I don't always iniate sex (rarely no never) and I don't oogle over his body like he does to me. I tell him things like "I love your face!" And from me that means a lot. But to him it translates differently. I feel like we are from different countries! Is the best way I can describe it. Language and cultural struggles if that helps at all. 

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  • 2 weeks later...

As much as I wish my husband wanted to have sex with me, he doesn't; he is asexual. I don't feel as though bargaining for sex at certain intervals is the right thing to do. I don't want make any intimate contact (especially sex) an obligation. I cannot change him and through my own readings of asexuality... I shouldn't try to as it is his sexual orientation.

We started out monogamous, then after 3 years with little to no sex, I asked to have an open relationship and he agreed. Now we are full blown polyamorous. He has other partners (though not for sex) and I have 2 boyfriends who I love and have sex with. 

Even with all this, it still breaks my heart that I will most likely never have sex with my husband again. But life isn't what you plan for... it changes and becomes complicated and completely different than you imagined.

I guess the only thing you can do is go with flow and try to make a way for yourself and your relationship by being honest about what you want out of life and love. 

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We practice ethical non-monogamy. I am not asexual but celibate and sex-repulsed. My partner is neither. He is free to have sexual partners outside of our compound and I am allowed to date. If by some crazy chance I want to have sex with another man, I can but I don't seek it out. Like Sentcan ^ my partner and I don't have sex. We had sex 10 years ago (I was a virgin), but that was the only time we ever engaged in intercourse. 

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I asked my ex partner to open our relationship because I already was having sex with another girl, my idea was to have sex and romantic dates with my girlfriend and normal life with my partner but my partner had an emotional breakdown and she refused totally the idea and asked instead for me to stop seeing my girlfriend.

I thought about it but it made no sense to me to break up with my girl when we were having such a passionated relationship so my partner and I split.

The main problem with open relationships compromise is that you start asking yourself: "Why do I want to stay with my partner when this other relationship has sex, fun and romantics?" "Because I want to talk with her or live with her? I can do that also with my lover"

I think open relationships work better for people who are married and have kids and want to stay together because of kids or in couples that have an extremely good relationship and they do all together, if not I think the open relationship will end up destroying the couple.

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15 hours ago, Blondbear said:

 

I asked my ex partner to open our relationship because I already was having sex with another girl, my idea was to have sex and romantic dates with my girlfriend and normal life with my partner but my partner had an emotional breakdown and she refused totally the idea and asked instead for me to stop seeing my girlfriend.

I thought about it but it made no sense to me to break up with my girl when we were having such a passionated relationship so my partner and I split.

The main problem with open relationships compromise is that you start asking yourself: "Why do I want to stay with my partner when this other relationship has sex, fun and romantics?" "Because I want to talk with her or live with her? I can do that also with my lover"

I think open relationships work better for people who are married and have kids and want to stay together because of kids or in couples that have an extremely good relationship and they do all together, if not I think the open relationship will end up destroying the couple.

Sorry, but being unfaithful to your partner and then asking for an open relationship after the fact isn't really how open relationships are supposed to work. I mean, you're not surprised as to why she was extremely upset, are you? Open relationships are all about communication and the setting of boundaries before anything starts happening outside of the relationship. It isn't fair to judge the effectiveness of open relationships based upon one that began (or tried to begin) with infidelity.

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