Explaining aesthetic vs. sexual attraction

[Arvid of Rivendell]

Often it is hard to explain aesthetic vs. sexual attraction to people, either because they're new to the concept or because they're allosexual and their aesthetic attraction is often tied into their sexual attraction. 

I believe I may have found a way to explain the difference between these attractions to people who are struggling to comprehend.

 

Basically, when I see a person I find attractive, it's less like:

sign me the FUCK up 👌👀👌👀👌👀👌👀👌👀 good shit go౦ԁ sHit👌 thats ✔ some good👌👌shit right👌👌th 👌 ere👌👌👌 right✔there ✔✔if i do ƽaү so my selｆ 💯 i say so 💯 thats what im talking about right there right there (chorus: ʳᶦᵍʰᵗ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ) mMMMMᎷМ💯 👌👌 👌НO0ОଠＯOOＯOОଠଠOoooᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒ👌 👌👌 👌 💯 👌 👀 👀 👀 👌👌Good shit

(sexual attraction)

And more like: 

DAAAAMMNNNNN you have a nice face  

(aesthetic attraction)

Feel free to tear me apart. I have no fear of criticism.

 

EDIT: Also, feel free to move this. I just realized I posted this in the wrong section. 

[sindi]

20 minutes ago, Arvid of Rivendell said:

 

Basically, when I see a person I find attractive, it's less like:

sign me the FUCK up 👌👀👌👀👌👀👌👀👌👀 good shit go౦ԁ sHit👌 thats ✔ some good👌👌shit right👌👌th 👌 ere👌👌👌 right✔there ✔✔if i do ƽaү so my selｆ 💯 i say so 💯 thats what im talking about right there right there (chorus: ʳᶦᵍʰᵗ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ) mMMMMᎷМ💯 👌👌 👌НO0ОଠＯOOＯOОଠଠOoooᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒ👌 👌👌 👌 💯 👌 👀 👀 👀 👌👌Good shit

(sexual attraction)

And more like: 

DAAAAMMNNNNN you have a nice face  

(aesthetic attraction)

That's a rather long and unwieldy explanation to use every time

[Sherlocks]

You mean like 

 

"I think this man is very beautiful" 

 

vs 

 

"I think this man has some sexy features" 

 

Right? 

 

A lot of people don't think you can find someone beautiful without being attracted to them. 

 

I tend to want to draw people who are more visually appealing in some way. Since they just have the perfect set of features. Generally speaking, they are what most people find physically attractive. I also have a huge obsession with abs. It has nothing to do with sexual attraction but they are just more fun to draw. This is from an artist's perspective, though. 

[Guest]

A simple "it's finding someone nice to look at vs wanting to have sex with them" seems sufficient. Most sexual people don't want to have sex with every good looking person they meets. They tend t be completely capable of noticing when someone of their non-prefered gender is attractive too.

[Arvid of Rivendell]

28 minutes ago, Sherlocks said:

You mean like 

 

"I think this man is very beautiful" 

 

vs 

 

"I think this man has some sexy features" 

 

Right? 

Yup, that's what I mean. Also, totally agree with your artist's perspective. 

 

27 minutes ago, ohdearIzzy said:

A simple "it's finding someone nice to look at vs wanting to have sex with them" seems sufficient. Most sexual people don't want to have sex with every good looking person they meets. They tend t be completely capable of noticing when someone of their non-prefered gender is attractive too.

Yeah, that's where my explanation falls short, and I recognize that. Aesthetic attraction is common and normal for most people (there are "an-aesthetics" out there). It just seems like a lot of allosexuals don't realize aesthetic attraction is a thing, because it's (I think?) more intense when coupled with sexual attraction. I believe (but may be totally wrong) this can create confusion around the difference between the two attractions, because they're more stimulated (read: turned on) and aware about their attraction when it's an aesthetic + sexual combo. (If that made any sense at all. )

I see what you're saying and I do agree. My explanation is just a starting point for a conversation on these attractions but mostly it's a joke.

[Fox6]

You can find a child or a dog beautiful. And just like you would prefer to have a beautiful child or dog, you also prefer your partner to be so.

[Tirnanog]

4 hours ago, Arvid of Rivendell said:

 

sign me the FUCK up 👌👀👌👀👌👀👌👀👌👀 good shit go౦ԁ sHit👌 thats ✔ some good👌👌shit right👌👌th 👌 ere👌👌👌 right✔there ✔✔if i do ƽaү so my selｆ 💯 i say so 💯 thats what im talking about right there right there (chorus: ʳᶦᵍʰᵗ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ) mMMMMᎷМ💯 👌👌 👌НO0ОଠＯOOＯOОଠଠOoooᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒ👌 👌👌 👌 💯 👌 👀 👀 👀 👌👌Good shit

(sexual attraction)

I'm sorry, but literally all I could think was this:

 

How I see sexual attraction in a nutshell. 

 

Yes, I'm aware that's unfair, but still.

 

 

[Member1057]

Hmm, the way I do it, I compare beauty with fireworks. I tell them "When you see fireworks, you go: 'that's so pretty', well I feel the same way about people I find beautiful." C: it works everytime for me. 

[RK800]

For me aesthetic attraction is like "I want you as my phone wallpaper". Which is incredibly creepy but it gets the point across.

Romantic attraction is this weird, nervous feeling, hard to describe but I know it when I feel it.

Platonic is "plz be my friend, plz", and sensual is "I want to hug you and hold your hand, please".

[Guest]

12 hours ago, Arvid of Rivendell said:

Basically, when I see a person I find attractive, it's less like:

sign me the FUCK up 👌👀👌👀👌👀👌👀👌👀 good shit go౦ԁ sHit👌 thats ✔ some good👌👌shit right👌👌th 👌 ere👌👌👌 right✔there ✔✔if i do ƽaү so my selｆ 💯 i say so 💯 thats what im talking about right there right there (chorus: ʳᶦᵍʰᵗ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ) mMMMMᎷМ💯 👌👌 👌НO0ОଠＯOOＯOОଠଠOoooᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒ👌 👌👌 👌 💯 👌 👀 👀 👀 👌👌Good shit

(sexual attraction)

And more like: 

DAAAAMMNNNNN you have a nice face  

(aesthetic attraction)

Feel free to tear me apart. I have no fear of criticism.

  That could have been me in a nutshell! I'm as aromantic as can be for that reason only

 

And on a modly note:

 

moved topic to TGA

Jayce, Asexual Relationships moderator.

 

[Busrider]

5 hours ago, ~Syl~ said:

"I want you as my phone wallpaper".

Thanks for that update of my POV: "OMG, your sight triggers a big urge to declutter my fridge full of film."

[Guest]

I don't quite understand aesthetic attraction very well

[Guest]

It's sad if people here really do think that's what "sexual attraction" is, if they also think sexual attraction is the defining factor in what makes someone sexual. I hope you don't all think that all sexual people are actually like that. That's how many (certainly not all) men experience their sexuality (desiring partners based on that kind of reaction to appearance).. But yeah, it's certainly not an experience common to all sexuals and many sexual women never experience that.

 

It's so offensive seeing asexuals doing things like this, which really is practically just a total mockery of sexuality.

[Arvid of Rivendell]

16 hours ago, ℃å℞t☉☧hℹĿẹ• said:

It's sad if people here really do think that's what "sexual attraction" is, if they also think sexual attraction is the defining factor in what makes someone sexual. I hope you don't all think that all sexual people are actually like that. That's how many (certainly not all) men experience their sexuality (desiring partners based on that kind of reaction to appearance).. But yeah, it's certainly not an experience common to all sexuals and many sexual women never experience that.

 

It's so offensive seeing asexuals doing things like this, which really is practically just a total mockery of sexuality.

This isn't what I think sexual attraction is. I'm very sorry for any offense I gave.  I do recognize how this post contributes to sexual stereotyping and I'll try to do better in the future. 

Now that you've brought this up, I've always wondered: what does sexual attraction really feel like? Genuine question - knowledge is power. 

[Arctangent]

I think a lot of sexuals who experience attraction are thinking something along the lines of "this person has an nice face/body/etc." Speaking as a sexual person, my attractions can be just as nuanced and subtle as any asexual's experience of attraction. For me, the attraction part isn't so different from what asexuals experience, really - it's just that sometimes I also desire sex with people I'm attracted to, that's all.

[SithLord]

When I explain it I basically say what you feel for (insert group they're not sexually attracted to).  So for a straight female I'd say, like what you feel for other females when you acknowledge their beauty/attractiveness.  

[sindi]

On 8.2.2017 at 5:23 AM, nkpookie said:

Hmm, the way I do it, I compare beauty with fireworks. I tell them "When you see fireworks, you go: 'that's so pretty', well I feel the same way about people I find beautiful." C: it works everytime for me. 

When I see fireworks, I go "eek, that's scary, and such loud noises, arrrgh, run for your life!"

[sindi]

19 hours ago, ℃å℞t☉☧hℹĿẹ• said:

It's sad if people here really do think that's what "sexual attraction" is, if they also think sexual attraction is the defining factor in what makes someone sexual. I hope you don't all think that all sexual people are actually like that. That's how many (certainly not all) men experience their sexuality (desiring partners based on that kind of reaction to appearance).. But yeah, it's certainly not an experience common to all sexuals and many sexual women never experience that.

 

It's so offensive seeing asexuals doing things like this, which really is practically just a total mockery of sexuality.

As an asexual, I maybe didn't understand all the connotations of the post, 'cause I didn't realize the offensive part. It just seemed a bit silly to me (what's up with all those OK signs and repetition?) and I considered posting, that for me even aesthetic attraction can get close to that (being totally obsessed with some details of someone's beauty - just yesterday I saw someone who was pure perfection to me, and hardly could keep my eyes off them). But good that I didn't post that, if the original post actually had connotations and euphenisms that I didn't realize

[Guest]

9 hours ago, Arvid of Rivendell said:

This isn't what I think sexual attraction is. I'm very sorry for any offense I gave.  I do recognize how this post contributes to sexual stereotyping and I'll try to do better in the future. 

Now that you've brought this up, I've always wondered: what does sexual attraction really feel like? Genuine question - knowledge is power. 

I feel bad now haha. I have a tendency to get annoyed fast at posts like this mainly because I know for a fact there are people here who read this sort of thing and believe it and AVEN endorses this view to an extent. We have a lot of members who believe that if you don't experience what you posted in the OP, then you're asexual.. even if you're addicted to sex because you just love having it so much. AVEN even pinned a thread for individuals who feel like that to discuss how much they love having sex despite being asexual because they "don't look at hot people and get all horny and drool etc". It's such a negative stereotyping of sexual people and reflects badly on this community (I don't mean this thread reflects badly, I mean the pinned thread T_T because if it's pinned that shows that AVEN actually endorses this sort of thing). The fact is SOME sexual people experience that but to base asexuality on not experiencing that means someone innately has a very low opinion of sexuals: Pretty much the entire grey area subforum does this without intending to. AVEN needs to be putting efforts into dispelling these negative sexual stereotypes that reflect badly on this community and come from a place of total misunderstanding of normal sexuality, not foster and encourage these misunderstandings by dedicating entire subforums to them and pinning threads dedicated to viewing yourself as special for not drooling when hot people walk by.. even though you'd have sex with them.. just not because of their appearance T_T

 

ANYWAY to answer your question:

 

7 hours ago, Law of Circles said:

I think a lot of sexuals who experience attraction are thinking something along the lines of "this person has an nice face/body/etc." Speaking as a sexual person, my attractions can be just as nuanced and subtle as any asexual's experience of attraction. For me, the attraction part isn't so different from what asexuals experience, really - it's just that sometimes I also desire sex with people I'm attracted to, that's all.

That sums it up for quite a lot of sexuals actually!

 

Many, many sexual people experience the exact same subtle attractions that asexuals feel.. like they develop romantic feelings for someone, maybe think that person is beautiful (not necessarily physically, maybe they have a beautiful personality or whatever) and want to cuddle and squeeze them etc as they develop a desire for intimacy with that person. For a sexual, sex is often a part of intimacy with a special someone, whereas an asexual won't develop a desire for sexual connection. It's honestly no different than what many romantic asexuals experience, just for sexual people there is also a desire to connect sexually with that person for intimacy, bonding etc. Some sexuals enjoy casual sex with trusted friends or even strangers, and this often doesn't have to have anything to do with appearance or a specific type of attraction, it might just be that they're horny and that person is willing, so yeah, they have sex. This is not actually that common, even though it seems that many on AVEN think this is how all sexual people behave. Some get horny when they look at sexy people and can develop a desire to have sex with them as a result of that arousal.. Again, this is lot less common than many on AVEN think. Many teen boys experience it but as hormones calm down it often stops being a regular occurrence. Many sexual people don't think about sex all the time, many can go without it for long periods of time without minding that much, many only desire it when they have an emotional connection with someone.. some only want it in certain ways at certain times with certain people. The list goes on.

 

You can ask 10 different sexual people what sexual attraction is and you'll probably get 10 different answers, because it's different for people based on how they personally experience and express their innate sexual desires. Not all sexual people experience anything like "sexual attraction" so it really is quite a pointless term. When I've felt it, I guess I'd explain it as a like.. my body reacts in a sexual way to a certain person as a result of my emotional attraction to them (like the emotions are causing the reaction). And when I say "sexual way" I mean heightened hormonal responses, an "ache" inside where my womb is haha.. weird stuff like that. But I often don't actually want to have sex as a result of that feeling. I know now that if I'm aroused, I could potentially enjoy certain sexual acts enough to actively want to have them sometimes with my partner (only my partner, someone I'm emotionally close to) that's why I stopped  identifying as ace. Before meeting my partner I never wanted or enjoyed sexual activity in any way. So yeah, the only thing all sexual people have in common is that to some extent or another they desire partnered sex for pleasure. Literally everything else varies massively from person to person.

 

AVEN defines sexual attraction as "the desire for partnered sexual contact with someone else".. Which while many sexuals here disagree that's what sexual attraction actually is, it is correct that the desire to connect sexually with others is what makes someone sexual. Many (almost all) sexual people active on AVEN agree that what sets asexuals apart from sexuals is the fact that asexuals have no desire to connect sexually with other people. It has nothing to do with what "attractions" they are or are not feeling.

 

..that was a really long answer and had some bad typos T_T I think I've fixed them all now!

[Arvid of Rivendell]

Thank you for your response! It was a really interesting, thorough answer and has given me a new perspective on sexuality. 

40 minutes ago, ℃å℞t☉☧hℹĿẹ• said:

AVEN defines sexual attraction as "the desire for partnered sexual contact with someone else".. Which while many sexuals here disagree that's what sexual attraction actually is, it is correct that the desire to connect sexually with others is what makes someone sexual. Many (almost all) sexual people active on AVEN agree that what sets asexuals apart from sexuals is the fact that asexuals have no desire to connect sexually with other people. It has nothing to do with what "attractions" they are or are not feeling.

This in particular really makes it clear that AVEN needs to do better by sexuals. In hindsight, I probably should have realized this sooner, but there is a lot of misinformation about what sexuality is and I don't blame you for getting annoyed. 

[ratisse]

On 2/8/2017 at 3:31 AM, Mystic Maya said:

I don't quite understand aesthetic attraction very well

aesthetic attraction is when you see someone and you feel drawn to look at them because they "look" beautiful to you.

sexual attraction is when you see someone, think of them or are around them and it causes you to feel like you want to be sexual.

[Galactic Turtle]

On 2/7/2017 at 3:42 PM, Arvid of Rivendell said:

sign me the FUCK up 👌👀👌👀👌👀👌👀👌👀 good shit go౦ԁ sHit👌 thats ✔ some good👌👌shit right👌👌th 👌 ere👌👌👌 right✔there ✔✔if i do ƽaү so my selｆ 💯 i say so 💯 thats what im talking about right there right there (chorus: ʳᶦᵍʰᵗ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ) mMMMMᎷМ💯 👌👌 👌НO0ОଠＯOOＯOОଠଠOoooᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒ👌 👌👌 👌 💯 👌 👀 👀 👀 👌👌Good shit

That's me chatting with my friends whenever a K-pop group nails their outfits at an awards ceremony or music show or at the airport.   But I guess a more coherent version of that would be...

 

I'm here for this concept.

I'm here for this coordination.

I'm here for this hair style.

You are such a success.

Praise your stylists.

Praise your parents for creating you.

Blessed are we to gaze upon you this day.