Long-distance Sexual/Asexual Relationship Woes

[johnsont]

Hello friends! I have been reading these threads for a few months now and they have generally been really helpful.

 

My situation, in general terms:

I am a female sexual with average to above-average libido. I am dating someone with a below-average libido who does not necessarily identify as asexual (and I don't want to label her at all), but a lot of the issues between sexuals/asexuals are ones that I strongly identify with.

We have been together about a year and a half. We also live across an ocean from each other.

When we lived in the same place, we would go for months without sex, which was tremendously difficult for me, mostly because it is accompanied by fairly infrequent intimate physical contact. We sit on the couch near each other but not touching. We lie in bed but don't cuddle. We don't hold hands. We have made out twice in our relationship.

 

I love her and am not interested in ending the relationship, though so much of how I express love is through physical affection. My fall-back is doing romantic things like sending flowers and having coffee delivered to her workplace. Though she appreciates these things, I am usually just doing them for me.

 

I don't know how to love her in the way she needs and I don't know how to get the love I need out of the relationship. Currently, she is going through a very rough time with health and work, so I don't want to burden her further by talking to her about all this.

 

Any helpful thoughts (or commiseration!) would be great!

[Clumsy Fairy]

Damn... That is a tricky one.. I have done long distance relationships across different countries, but there was always a plan to eventually be together... I know it can work but only if there is a huge amount of trust. That said this was a hetro relationship, and neither of us were asexual, well, my partner kinda was, but I didn't find that out until we eventually got together.

 

I know only too well what it is like to be a very tactile person and be with someone that feels annoyed by it... I know what it is like to feel you want someone, and feel the need for intimacy and not have it returned. It's hard. Now what I say next might make you a bit irritated, or sad. It's addictive.  It's something that's hard to understand and or grasp, but when you want to express something and feel something back, and that thing is withheld it almost feels like you are being altruistic, and giving what the person needs, and as you say when one gives it can so easily be for your own needs, and there is nothing wrong with that. The problem is the more you do it, the more you do it, and the more you feel that you actually really do love the person to whom your attentions are focused because you are so giving. Not having that recognised is hard. It's something that is (while I am sure not intentional) behind the "treat them mean keep them keen" idea. Now please don't think I think that is what is going on, it is not, it's just an analogy. 

 

The fact that your partner is going threw a rough time too, that is crap too, as you don't feel you can talk about it with her. Cos My suggestion is always communication... Personally I have been threw what you are going thru many times, and I made a bit of a decision to look at what I want from a relationship. I decided that I want mutuality. Life is too short to just give myself away, and not feel the love from someone else that I know I can give. I am asexual now, but very tactile. I wouldn't be with anyone who didn't want me to cuddle them, or didn't want to cuddle me. I want to know that I am loved as much as I make sure the person I am with is loved. The reason for this is that I don't think I can have a relationship without mutuality. Cos no matter how much I have ever compromised myself, and I have been fine with it, resentment creeps in, also the other person gets bored, and stressed when they know someone wants more from them than they have to give. People just keep hoping the other will some how change, but they don't and all that happens is you end up miserable alone and resentful. 

 

I am not painting a great picture am I.... There is a positive message though... You really deserve to be happy.... and there is only this life available in order to get your hands on as much of that happiness as possible... 

 

I feel for you... 

 

I hope you figure something out where you feel loved and valued, and where your love is appreciated.

 

Chin up you could be hetro and feel the need to be in love with an ugly silly man like me! <grin>*

 

*Small Print: The last sentence is self deprecating joke aimed at no one but myself. No sexism or other slight towards any group is meant.. I have a sense of humour!

 

[nanogretchen4]

How does your partner express love for you? It's not through sex, not through physical affection, and you're the one making the romantic gestures. And you also don't live together, which means you don't have the same type of daily life partnership a married couple would. What evidence does she give that she feels something more than friendship? 

[johnsont]

3 hours ago, nanogretchen4 said:

How does your partner express love for you? It's not through sex, not through physical affection, and you're the one making the romantic gestures. And you also don't live together, which means you don't have the same type of daily life partnership a married couple would. What evidence does she give that she feels something more than friendship? 

She verbally reassures me quite a lot because she understands that it can be difficult, though because we have not yet found a wonderful compromise, I don't know that she understands the full extent.

This question is actually something that has been troubling me more lately as I have been analysing my situation a bit more. She has branched out in some ways that I have learned to recognise as big steps for her. For example, she is very uncomfortable with celebrating Valentine's Day and thus has never celebrated it before, though she sent me a very sweet card because she knew it was important to me. She also does let me sleep in bed with her when I am there despite sleeping much better alone. Additionally, she let me meet and stay with her family over New Year's. 

They are not always things that seem like big compromises to me, but I am trying to remember that they may feel like big compromises to her.

[johnsont]

7 hours ago, Lord Grep said:

Damn... That is a tricky one.. I have done long distance relationships across different countries, but there was always a plan to eventually be together... I know it can work but only if there is a huge amount of trust. That said this was a hetro relationship, and neither of us were asexual, well, my partner kinda was, but I didn't find that out until we eventually got together.

 

I know only too well what it is like to be a very tactile person and be with someone that feels annoyed by it... I know what it is like to feel you want someone, and feel the need for intimacy and not have it returned. It's hard. Now what I say next might make you a bit irritated, or sad. It's addictive.  It's something that's hard to understand and or grasp, but when you want to express something and feel something back, and that thing is withheld it almost feels like you are being altruistic, and giving what the person needs, and as you say when one gives it can so easily be for your own needs, and there is nothing wrong with that. The problem is the more you do it, the more you do it, and the more you feel that you actually really do love the person to whom your attentions are focused because you are so giving. Not having that recognised is hard. It's something that is (while I am sure not intentional) behind the "treat them mean keep them keen" idea. Now please don't think I think that is what is going on, it is not, it's just an analogy. 

 

The fact that your partner is going threw a rough time too, that is crap too, as you don't feel you can talk about it with her. Cos My suggestion is always communication... Personally I have been threw what you are going thru many times, and I made a bit of a decision to look at what I want from a relationship. I decided that I want mutuality. Life is too short to just give myself away, and not feel the love from someone else that I know I can give. I am asexual now, but very tactile. I wouldn't be with anyone who didn't want me to cuddle them, or didn't want to cuddle me. I want to know that I am loved as much as I make sure the person I am with is loved. The reason for this is that I don't think I can have a relationship without mutuality. Cos no matter how much I have ever compromised myself, and I have been fine with it, resentment creeps in, also the other person gets bored, and stressed when they know someone wants more from them than they have to give. People just keep hoping the other will some how change, but they don't and all that happens is you end up miserable alone and resentful. 

 

I am not painting a great picture am I.... There is a positive message though... You really deserve to be happy.... and there is only this life available in order to get your hands on as much of that happiness as possible... 

 

I feel for you... 

 

I hope you figure something out where you feel loved and valued, and where your love is appreciated.

 

Chin up you could be hetro and feel the need to be in love with an ugly silly man like me! <grin>*

 

*Small Print: The last sentence is self deprecating joke aimed at no one but myself. No sexism or other slight towards any group is meant.. I have a sense of humour!

 

Thank you very much for your reply. I do understand what you are saying about constantly giving to the other person in order to gain satisfaction and connection from the act of giving. I do find myself doing that a bit and have started to feel a bit uncomfortable about it lately. And I also definitely could imagine myself becoming resentful about the lack of physical affection, even when I am visiting after a few month period.

 

As we are definitely both intending to be in this relationship long term (as long as it continues to make sense for both of us, obviously), I am really trying to figure out some good coping methods and even just hear stories/feel understood so that I can better work through this with her with a more clear understanding of the root of my frustrations, what I want out of the relationship and what I feel I have a right to ask for in terms of compromise.

 

And thank you for the positive thoughts. I hope you are finding happiness as well!

[Telecaster68]

Johnson

 

Though it's not a long distance relationship, and my wife's effective asexuality didn't really come to light till we'd been married years (she's never used the label but she's said all the same things asexuals say about sex, and acts in accordance, so thinking of her in those terms has helped me a lot), I know what you mean about the general lack of physical affection, and not getting your own emotional needs met.

 

The blunt answer, from what you've said, is that it's not going to change and you're always going to be trying to remember that all those little things mean a lot to her, and that they mean she loves you. They may change a little, if she's able to move forward on that front, but you're almost certainly never going to get the spontaneous hugs and cuddles, let alone sex, that you need. So the question comes down to how you deal with that. Can you take it for the rest of your life?

 

Occasionally, sexual partners can, though often it seems they're people who never put as much onus on sex and physicality in the first place. But you'll have seen from the other posts in Friends and Allies how often it's a real ongoing problem. Just as asexuals often try to accommodate their partner's needs for a while but can't sustain it long term, sexuals try and fail too.

[anassa57]

I relate to this situation perfectly. I am in an LDR with another female (I'm bisexual) and we are pretty serious at this point. She doesn't desire the kinds of things that I'm used to having in relationships. Not just sex, but verbal and physical affection as well. She says she wants some forms of affection with me like holding hands and sleeping in the same bed, but those changes will take time for her to get used to. She rarely mentions them or acknowledges those things when I bring them up in conversation because they make her uncomfortable. I think when she told me she was asexual, which occurred only a few months ago, it was one of the hardest things I've ever had to deal with because I had been considering marriage. I had spent years imagining our first time together and it would never happen. Suddenly I was sent backwards wondering "but am I just a friend to her?". There isn't an easy answer. It's a tough situation. It wasn't long after our conversation that I started questioning myself in relation to our situation and I realized something I had also been denying, I consider myself polyamorous. I had romantic feelings for other people who I considered simply friends, but I realized those relationships are important as well and I brought up to my girlfriend the option of an open relationship. She didn't really want an open relationship, but she thought the strain of me being in a sexless relationship wasn't fair, so I began complicated sexual relationships with some close friends. I must say for the record that I love and respect polyamory and I still identify as polyamorous, but I can never be in one of those relationships again. It was a bad experience. Despite my trust and communication with my partners, they didn't understand my relationship with my girlfriend. They devalued and belittled it and in turn, also progressed to devaluing and belittling me. I was in two abusive relationships in six months. I recognize now that I made too many mistakes during that time. I didn't want to seek out people to sleep with. It seemed too impersonal. I wanted a meaningful connection with my girlfriend. I thought that the already existing meaningful connections I made with friends could become sexual and fulfill that feeling of lacking that existed in my girlfriend and I's relationship. But you can't make a monogamous person be in a polyam relationship. Especially when those people are men because I think society perpetrates this idea that men have to be territorial and possessive in their relationships with women and in a polyamorous relationship that can be dangerous. If you go the open relationship route, always make sure to take care of yourself and your primary relationship with your girlfriend first. Don't let people manipulate you or control you. Only have relationships with people who fully accept the realities of polyamory and have respect for your non het, mixed sexual LDR. That aside, I also send presents to my girlfriend and affectionate words to fill that void of feeling unsatisfied. But I guarantee you, that will never fill the void. You may end up feeling worse after time if you continue that way. If you do those things for her, great. But doing them for yourself will make you feel more lonely, especially if your efforts make her uncomfortable or are not reciprocated. Here is some other advice that I would give which helps me to get through the difficulties we encounter.

 

1. Every time she says or does something that makes you feel desired or appreciated, make note of that. Make sure she knows you recognize those efforts, because they might not always be easy for her to express.

2. Anytime you feel that you're not getting the kind of affection you need in the relationship, gently bring it up to her. Provide her with ideas of ways you can change that as a couple (ex. watch a movie together, skype, saying I love you and give honest compliments). This will make it an easier situation for her to work with and find comfortable ground on.

3. Find something you are both passionate about. My girlfriend and I love writing. She gets so excited over new stories and ideas and sharing them with me. She can't always express emotions in the traditional ways, so this is a common ground where we can express ourselves and our ideas freely through our characters. Maybe you and your girlfriend could find something to connect about which also allows for some emotional connection and exploration.

4. Discuss things that she is comfortable trying, her boundaries, and the things she wants to definitely do. This will be hard for her if she is sex or touch averse. But this is the first step in making a healthy physical aspect of your relationship. I found myself more excited learning the things that my girlfriend is comfortable trying or interested in doing than I was disappointed with the the things she does not ever want to do. You have to celebrate the little things. It will require some sacrifices on your part obviously. There are things you will never be able to do in your relationship and you have to either learn to cope with that lack, or accept the relationship may not be best for you. But it helps I think if you break this down into individual types of touch or acts when you ask her so you know that you are on the same page. Avoid crude terms that may make her uncomfortable. Some questions you could ask: What kinds of acts or touch do you consider sexual (kissing, kissing certain areas of the body, caressing certain areas of the body, nudity without touch, nudity with touch)? Are nonsexual forms of touch okay and to what limitations (ex. non sexual but involving nudity, certain parts of the body, limitations to kissing and spacial boundaries)? You may need to get creative. Some acts that I brainstormed included the following: sharing food/drinking cups, sharing clothing, brushing or washing hair, undressing and dressing in the same space, taking showers together, drying your partner after a shower, taking baths together or setting up a bubble bath for your partner with bath fizzies and candles etc., cuddling, cuddling partially or fully naked depending on comfort, massaging different areas of the body like back or shoulders, touching through clothes (what areas are okay and not okay), touching without clothes (same questions), mutual masterabtion, using sex toys, using toys that don't involve touch such as remote control vibrators, masterbation while cuddling, masterbation while viewing your partner naked, sexual acts like oral or manual stimulation, sex with agreed upon times (ex, once a week, twice a month). Talking ahead of time about these things can prepare you for when you are together next.

5. Understand that the things you discussed above can and will change. Some times she may not be interested in something she said she would be. She may find that she is unexpectedly interested in something. Be accepting and open minded to these changes, but acknowlege when the lack of something is too much for you

6.Stay in communication about what you need and what you are feeling and what is working or not working for her. If you don't then you might end up with bottled up resentment or annoyance

7. Don't blame her for not fulfilling your sexual needs. She is only being herself. If blaming or anger becomes an issue consider leaving the relationship. Also don't compare your relationship with another's

 

[AshenPhoenix]

Well, most of what I was going to say has actually already been said... Very well by others here.

 

That being said, I do have one little comment to tack on to the wonderful advice and positivity people have sent your way. I understand you feel that your partner is going through a rough time, and you don't want to burden them with talking about this. And while, yes, there is a time and a place for everything, it's also important to realize that sometimes things are important enough that they shouldn't be put on the back-burner, regardless. If you ever feel like you're reaching a tipping point, and that's it's unfair, I implore you to talk to your partner, even if you think it might add stress onto their lives. Because if they truly care for you, they'll know that in the end talking about it will make things better. And regardless, if you don't talk about these issues, I can almost guarantee the result will be worse than if you had decided to never talk about it. Don't get me wrong, again, there's a time and a place for everything, but if you think something is an issue, your partner is the one person you should be able to speak with about it, no matter what.

 

That aside, I can relate greatly on a personal level to your post. I was in a long-distance relationship myself for roughly two years. If you have any specific questions for me regarding either how we handled things, if things are similar, or... Anything, I'm pretty much an open book on the subject, and I know it commonly helps to know someone else has gone through similar experiences (note that my partner and I were not asexual. I was... Figuring myself out at the time but would have called myself gray-ace. So anything particularly ace-specific I might not have personal experiences on, but I'd still like to think I can at least try to answer any )