scottmac888 Posted February 3, 2017 Share Posted February 3, 2017 Hey peeps! So I'm a very sexual person in a relationship with an asexual person. Just to make it clear, breaking up is not an option. I love him and I just want to find a solution because we are sexually incompatible, and that is an issue I keep thinking about. In a perfect world, I would love to satisfy my sexual desire as well as let him live fully his asexuality. We talked about an open relationship but I'm not sure how I feel about that. So there I am, in need of your advice. Link to post Share on other sites
Clumsy Fairy Posted February 3, 2017 Share Posted February 3, 2017 Hey there... I lived in your shoes for two years with someone I loved dearly..... Sex was not the reason the relationship ended... I didn't sleep with anyone else. But I had to get my kicks somewhere.... As the time all I had was Pr0n, and I just found the best sex toys I could. An open relationship is a very difficult things to pull off... That being said I know people who have made it work.... You need to find a release for yourself, and one that your partner is least unhappy with. Talk about it. Be open, even ask if your partner wants you to be open. Treat the person kindly. The reason I didn't go off and find someone else was because I can't disassociate sex and love at all, and I knew who I loved. Sex is just one facet of a relationship, and it's like any other. If you need something and your partner refuses to give it enthusiastically some how together you have to work out a way to move forwards. Hope that helps a bit. Link to post Share on other sites
scottmac888 Posted February 3, 2017 Author Share Posted February 3, 2017 Thanks, I'll think about this. I hope I'll find a release in some way. Sex toys are not such a bad idea either. And I agree, sex is only one thing in a relationship, as there are so many other aspects. After all, it's true that we have to work it out together. Link to post Share on other sites
AK-Stoic Posted February 3, 2017 Share Posted February 3, 2017 obviously you and your partner. need to have conversation to find compromise that would be ideal for both. an open relationship may work or it may not. good luck with it.! Link to post Share on other sites
Star Bit Posted February 3, 2017 Share Posted February 3, 2017 Breaking up is always an option sweety; that's reality and you gotta face it. Relationships wont work if you keep basing things off of fantasy. Your sexualities may be different but that doesn't automatically make them incompatible. But if it's gotten to that point where they actually are incomparable then there's no changing that; incompatability is incompatability; you either live in hell for the rest of your life or you move on to another far more compatible fish in the sea. That's what people forget in relationships; they get tunnel vision and forget about the bigger world outside. He's not your only shot at happiness, and visa versa (there are ace dating options; ace short for asexual). There are fish in the sea; many upon many of them. It can take time to find them with minority orientations but it's out there. It's not shallow to break up over sex; most couples face sex problems and it's the reason most divorces happen. Most sexual people also just aren't compatible with asexuals; your situation is very normal either way you look at it. If you're not sure how you feel about polyamory or an open relationship then you might as well actually try it and find out. It can take time to get used to, but some sexual people say that a sexless relationship is better than the sex rate being too low. There are also many ways to have sex, so maybe he'd feel more comfortable with some of the alternatives. But really, those are your only options past ending what's not working and moving on to the next. There's oral, hand jobs, foot jobs, anal fingering, sex toys (there are ones for men), dry humping, clothed hand job, penis to penis rubbing, thrusting anywhere else on the body, and male genitals being stimulated between makeshift crevices (butt cheeks, pecs, thighs, armpit, etc.). You can also have “secondary sex/assisted masturbation/assisted arousal” with your partner; i.e. phone sex, cybersex, sexting, simultaneous masturbation, masturbating to your partner doing something sexy, or masturbating while you do types of foreplay/fetishes (e.g. kiss, lick, bite, grope, massage, facesitting, stimulate nipples, ‘dirty’ talk). Erotic massages are an option too. I do not suggest “penis docking”; it can be dangerous (link; in side effects section). Link to post Share on other sites
Lara Black Posted February 3, 2017 Share Posted February 3, 2017 Hello, Scottmac. If you wish to disregard breaking up as an option, there are basically four directions you can choose from. 1. Satisfying your sexuality with someone else in an open relationship. Personally, I don’t think it’s a good option, because such relationships much too often make things even more complicated. Imagine trying to solve problems between two people by bringing into the relationships a third person with their own personal problems – seldom works out. 2. Satisfying yourself. That may include toys, various videos, studying your own body to maximize whatever pleasure you can get. 3. Finding sex activities that work for you both. It’s a long and complicated process, but some mixed couples find non-traditional ways to achieve pleasure and/or relief. That would require a whole lot of trust, communication and respect towards each other. Tarfeather started a very interesting thread about that (you can check it out). 4. Accepting the lack of sexual pleasure and satisfaction in your life and learning to deal with it. These options can be combined or chosen separately, but it seems that these are your general directions to consider. Link to post Share on other sites
Blondbear Posted February 4, 2017 Share Posted February 4, 2017 On 3/2/2017 at 4:25 AM, scottmac888 said: Hey peeps! So I'm a very sexual person in a relationship with an asexual person. Just to make it clear, breaking up is not an option. I love him and I just want to find a solution because we are sexually incompatible, and that is an issue I keep thinking about. In a perfect world, I would love to satisfy my sexual desire as well as let him live fully his asexuality. We talked about an open relationship but I'm not sure how I feel about that. So there I am, in need of your advice. Well, there are only 5 main solutions 1) You meet in the middle, let's say you want sex 1 time per day and he wants sex never, so maybe you can agree to have sex 1 time per month. 2) You both break up and find more compatible partners (but you said you don't want to split) 3) You both open your relationship and you start having sex with other people, but this can end up with new dynamics that can ruin the relationship. 4) You accept that you will never have a sexual life. 5) You cheat on him You both need to talk and decide which one of the first 4 you want to take or don't talk and chose the 5th. Link to post Share on other sites
johnsont Posted February 7, 2017 Share Posted February 7, 2017 Scottmac888, I am in a very similar situation. Intended long-term relationship, no desire to break-up, but highly different libidos. I also am highly uncomfortable with the idea of open relationships as I could never have sex with someone who is not the person I am in love with. I mostly wanted to let you know that you are definitely not alone! What I can offer you is that I mostly miss the intimacy and connection of sex more than the actual physical pleasure. In that regard, I have tried expressing it to my partner when I am having a particularly randy day. The catch with this is that she doesn't always know how to respond, so often responds with a joke or doesn't respond at all, which sometimes makes me feel judged or ignored. That being said, it does make me feel less alone and sometimes I just want to share some part of my sexual experience with her. It is very small, but something to consider to help feel connected on that level! Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
scottmac888 Posted February 8, 2017 Author Share Posted February 8, 2017 17 hours ago, johnsont said: I mostly miss the intimacy and connection of sex more than the actual physical pleasure. (...) often responds with a joke or doesn't respond at all, which sometimes makes me feel judged or ignored. I can easily relate to this. Link to post Share on other sites
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