Parents wanting gradchildren

[The Awkward Mystery]

I had often got into discussions with my dad about whether or not that I will or want children of my own. My dad is well aware that I am asexual and accepts this, not to mention I never had a partner and currently have little interest of getting one. That doesn't stop my dad though. He gave suggestions such as adoption and artificial insemination. My dad means well but this is starting to get annoying. At the most I am on the fence with the Idea but overall I do not want children.

 

It's not like do not like children but just the idea of constantly taking care of them seems to be very draining. I am aware that for some it can be very rewarding (mentioned by my dad) but currently I do not think I will nor ever be suited to that kind responsibility. At the most I think I will just be a solid aunt. Thankfully, my older sister wants to have children it's just the matter of finding someone to have them with. 

 

If anyone have had similar discussions with their family members? Please feel free to share.

[ItWasNiceKnowingYou]

I have had multiple discussions on this with multiple different people (both family & non-family). It really is annoying because people act as if not wanting children is me missing out on this glorious,wonderful experience, and my family got on me about 'depriving them' of a grandchild.

 

I don't want children (mostly because of medical reasons & i don't want to do what it takes to have a kid anyway..so it's pointless) nor do i want to adopt (because i just don't think i would be a suitable parent). And artificial insemination was never brought up to me, but that'll never be my cup of tea either.

 

Just no

[Anthracite_Impreza]

At the end of the day it's you who will have the responsibility to look after them, so it's entirely your decision whether to have them. While I haven't had any direct 'I want grandkids', I think my parents, dad especially, are disappointed. I really feel for my dad, he wanted more than one kid but never got the chance, and now I don't want any of my own, but I have no interest in children and I never have. Add to that my mental health and ASD and it would be irresponsible to boot (for me). He'll have to be content with me looking after Blitz (the Beemer he used to have and gave me), and my mam will have to just accept I like snail babies.

[slim]

I can relate; I've only gotten my parents to stop saying "You'll change your mind/you'll want kids some day" in the past couple of years. I'm one of the youngest cousins in a very large family so I guess they saw me awkwardly avoiding my cousins' kids long enough that they realized, no, I will never change my mind. And while I haven't talked to them about my relationship (or lack thereof) with sex, they have noticed that I don't date. Apparently my dad has voiced concerns to my mom that I'm damaged goods, and she kind of just rolled her eyes at him. She's much more understanding; she hasn't asked why I don't date but she knows I don't need to have a partner to be happy, so she's satisfied as long as I am. It's only this year I got them to stop trying to coax me into coming out as a lesbian though. I guess they thought I was in the closet and afraid of their reaction even though there are a ton of out gays in my family, going back to my grandpa's siblings. Sigh. Fortunately I have a brother who is married and who wants kids so there won't be so much pressure on the "I want grandchildren" front as long as they deliver on that in the next few years.

 

But here's the thing- when parents say "I want grandchildren!" it's so, so selfish. If they want young children in their lives so bad, they should adopt some. If they want small children in their lives without the burden of raising them, they can participate in community programs that would have them interacting with kids, like volunteering in a pediatrics unit or reading to kids at libraries. It is entirely unfair for them to whine and moan for grandchildren when they know their child is incapable or unwilling to raise a child in a safe, healthy environment.

[Topi]

My parents sometimes talk about it, because I never had a boyfriend. My father is always saying stuff like he wants grandchildren and that I will only be a aunt, but still wanted me to have kids.  

 

I do want children, but I don't see myself with someone. I love children, so I want one of my own, but I still don't know when, how and all that stuff.

 

Actually, I always say that I have two things in my list of what I want in my future life which is have at least kid and not marry. Nobody understands why, I try to explain, but nobody gets it. 

 

My mother also wants, but is always saying that I should only have one closer to 30 years old, so I still have plenty of time and don't feel any sort of pressure from none. 

 

Still, I have two little sisters, if i don't have children, I'm sure at least one of them will have.  

[The Awkward Mystery]

6 minutes ago, slim said:

I can relate; I've only gotten my parents to stop saying "You'll change your mind/you'll want kids some day" in the past couple of years. I'm one of the youngest cousins in a very large family so I guess they saw me awkwardly avoiding my cousins' kids long enough that they realized, no, I will never change my mind. And while I haven't talked to them about my relationship (or lack thereof) with sex, they have noticed that I don't date. Apparently my dad has voiced concerns to my mom that I'm damaged goods, and she kind of just rolled her eyes at him. She's much more understanding; she hasn't asked why I don't date but she knows I don't need to have a partner to be happy, so she's satisfied as long as I am. It's only this year I got them to stop trying to coax me into coming out as a lesbian though. I guess they thought I was in the closet and afraid of their reaction even though there are a ton of out gays in my family, going back to my grandpa's siblings. Sigh. Fortunately I have a brother who is married and who wants kids so there won't be so much pressure on the "I want grandchildren" front as long as they deliver on that in the next few years.

 

But here's the thing- when parents say "I want grandchildren!" it's so, so selfish. If they want young children in their lives so bad, they should adopt some. If they want small children in their lives without the burden of raising them, they can participate in community programs that would have them interacting with kids, like volunteering in a pediatrics unit or reading to kids at libraries. It is entirely unfair for them to whine and moan for grandchildren when they know their child is incapable or unwilling to raise a child in a safe, healthy environment.

 

 

The  suggestion of adoption kind of remind me of a inside joke that my family had. Basically a few years back, my sister moved from home for university.  My dad actually constantly suggest to mom (hope I am not offending anyone when say this) an Asian baby. Of course my mom just pointed out that my dad just misses his daughter. He was in denial of that of course

So thank you for reminding me of that. Now every time that the children topic comes up, I will mention baby joke.  

 

BTW That's not a very nice thing that dad said that about you .

[Laplace]

I've had those conversations with my parents. My mom thinks that it's nice to have children and probably wants me to marry someone one day and have kids, even though I'm ace.

 

My dad on the other hand says that even though he doesn't regret having my bro and I, I should weigh my options heavily cause having kids is a huge time investment. He even jokes that he commit me to a mental hospital if I had one anytime soon. I assured him that it's one of the furthest things from my mind ATM. My dad even recommends getting your tubes tied (for guys) after a certain age.

 

So not a ton of pressure to have kids from my dad. Mom doesn't press me about it much either.

[slim]

6 minutes ago, The Awkward Mystery said:

The  suggestion of adoption kind of remind me of a inside joke that my family had. Basically a few years back, my sister moved from home for university.  My dad actually constantly suggest to mom (hope I am not offending anyone when say this) an Asian baby. Of course my mom just pointed out that my dad just misses his daughter. He was in denial of that of course

So thank you for reminding me of that. Now every time that the children topic comes up, I will mention baby joke.  

 

BTW That's not a very nice thing that dad said that about you .

I wonder if that isn't part of why my mom isn't broken up about it- she was adopted after several years in foster care with her brother, and I've always said that if I decided to have kids one day, I would adopt an older kid. (Pregnancy horrifies me, and I can't stand babies.) So maybe she's just glad knowing that if I have kids, they'll be the ones who really need homes.

 

It wasn't, but I'm not exactly sure what he did say because my mom was the one who told me about it. And I know he only said something because he was worried about me. He thought I was sexually assaulted and now I was terrified of all men or something. So it was really pretty callous and not cool of him if I'm interpreting what my mom told me correctly, but I guess I see it as, he wasn't trying to be malicious. It's just unfortunate he can't imagine a scenario where ace or aro people exist.

[Lord Jade Cross]

My parents spent a considerable number of years harassing me with their demands of grandkids and relationships.

 

I dont know why they even bothered since they themselves never wanted to have kids to begin with. Wouldnt be the first thing they do just to comply with social appearances.

 

 

[The Awkward Mystery]

2 minutes ago, slim said:

I wonder if that isn't part of why my mom isn't broken up about it- she was adopted after several years in foster care with her brother, and I've always said that if I decided to have kids one day, I would adopt an older kid. (Pregnancy horrifies me, and I can't stand babies.) So maybe she's just glad knowing that if I have kids, they'll be the ones who really need homes.

 

It wasn't, but I'm not exactly sure what he did say because my mom was the one who told me about it. And I know he only said something because he was worried about me. He thought I was sexually assaulted and now I was terrified of all men or something. So it was really pretty callous and not cool of him if I'm interpreting what my mom told me correctly, but I guess I see it as, he wasn't trying to be malicious. It's just unfortunate he can't imagine a scenario where ace or aro people exist.

I hope you're dad will try and understand someday. You're mom sounds like a nice reasonable person 

[The Awkward Mystery]

11 minutes ago, Jade Cross said:

My parents spent a considerable number of years harassing me with their demands of grandkids and relationships.

 

I dont know why they even bothered since they themselves never wanted to have kids to begin with. Wouldnt be the first thing they do just to comply with social appearances.

 

 

 

No offence but your parents do not sound like very nice people if that's the case.

[Nebulous]

It sounds like your dad has some expectation that having grandchildren is considered normalcy for everyone. But it's not fair on one's children to think like this. It's the same as someone telling their children that they want them to be a dentist when they grow up, even if they don't want to be one because it'll make them unhappy. It's like telling them they should be in competitive running despite being paraplegic. Bottom line, nobody can have children and expect them to meet all the criteria of what they consider to be "normal". Things always come up. Things change. Things differ from the supposed norm. Your dad can't control that; nobody can. So if your dad is willing to listen, perhaps try bringing up the concept of "expectations versus reality".

[Sally]

You don't really have to talk to  your parents about having kids.  Just change the subject or walk out of the room.  Eventually they'll get it -- when no grandchildren are produced.  

[Tatsuya]

I find it ironic whenever my parents nag me about having children as they already have more grandkids than anyone can afford thanks to my other siblings. I have no idea why some people are convinced everyone needs children, and it's not even that I hate kids -- I just don't need one in my life. Even if I wanted to have a kid, I wouldn't because I'd be a terrible parent, lol.

[Hermit Advocate]

My mom knows that I don't want children. She's fine with having grandkittens instead. My sister wants kids someday, so she can take care of the human grandchildren part. 

[Archaon137]

My parents, hmm. My dad has never mentioned anything about me being ace nor about grandkids. My mother however hounds me every single time i see her to find a girlfriend and that she wants grandkids.

 

Not sure where i sit on the subject myself. For now i have zero interest in having children. I'm not even looking or want to look for an ace partner either. Pretty content spending my time playing games, reading and painting. Going off of my friends, relationships sound exhausting, let alone children!

[Adam_Jensen]

I made it very clear to my mother that grandchildren are out of the question.Fuck what society wants,not everyone is meant to be a parent and I'd rather spend my money on video games and not baby products.

[Gloomy]

I still live with my dad because I can't quite afford to move out yet, and there's still been a few times when he's asked "So when are you giving me grandchildren?" Because having kids when you can't even take care of yourself is totally a good idea. xD

 

He'll just have to accept the fact that the only grandchildren he's getting from me will be cats.

[Shadow Heart]

I've never been asked this by close family members, I think they pretty much get that it is not happening. The closest thing to it would be my biological father asking why I don't have a girlfriend "yet", or some such comment. Very annoying, and extremely difficult to answer sincerely.

[nerdperson777]

Now that I think of it, I think my parents had me just for appearances.  They've always been obsessed about what other people might think about them.  I've found that many of their ideas tend to be wrong.  Like I got a binder one summer and my mom was thinking people at school were going to notice that I became flat.  For one thing, I'm so small that I could hide it.  Second, with my personality, who actually wants to look at my chest?  I've never seen affection exchanged from my parents and their stories of life before me have inconsistent information.  Dad claims that mom was chasing him because he was such a good looking guy.  Knowing mom, she's not that kind of impulsive person.  The way dad acts, he clearly wanted the American life as pictured in the earlier parts of the 20th Century, the great breadwinner with dependent wife and kid(s).  My mom is smarter (only in logic and brain stuff) and makes more, paying for most of our expenses.  And I don't actually care for both of them in any emotional sense.  Dad lives in a family that doesn't love him.  He may assume we do but nope.  He also told me that he begged mom for a child (me) and after having me, she wanted another.  Mom denied that claim.  Then mom would never tell me about how she felt for dad back then, which furthers my idea that they may have never had affection for each other.

 

So I would not call my parents' production of me not simply "having a baby".  It was a strategically planned out event with all practical things considered.  When they're not assuming what people think, they can only make conclusions on what they can see.  If I'm not mad or sad, I must be just fine.  No actually, I'm concerned about my depression and anxiety everyday.  Mom believes that since her sister had a very obvious depression, all depression must be easy to see.  I've had depression diagnosed for over a year and I just didn't say anything before because I didn't want mom to suggest pills as the magical cure.

 

As for what my parents think of wanting grandchildren from me, dad wants to keep up with tradition like the rest of his family.  I consider him a bit of an asshole because he considers authority based on age and no one younger can refute him no matter how wrong he is.  Yet he lectures his older sister at every family gathering because she's fat and not smart.  Once when I was home from school, we were getting our carpet cleaned and he thought to talk up the cleaner to get some discounts.  I came downstairs right when he was talking to him about his kids.  The cleaner already had grandchildren and the youngest child is still in school.  So I walked in at the wrong time because my dad asked me where were his grandchildren.  Um, I was 18.  Even if I wanted kids, why would you ask me at that age?  My parents were double that age when they had me.  At 19, I told my dad that he shouldn't have asked me that at that age.  I said in 10 years would be more appropriate.  So he said that he would ask me when I'm 29.  Yeah, thanks for understanding.  As for mom, she just wants me to pass on genetics.  My mom's side is more complicated because my grandfather had a wife whom he had 4 or 6 kids with, I forget which.  Then she died in her early 30s from ovarian cancer and he eventually married my grandmother.  With her, I remember the total was 10 kids so 4 or 6, maybe my grandmother had 6.  Then out of my mom's full blood siblings, she was the only daughter to have a child.  So to mom's logic, I should pass on these genes because I need to keep my grandmother's genes alive.

 

All these ideas give me doubts about having children.  The idea of finding a sperm donor irks me.  I don't really like the smell of babies from some time back then.  If I could just get a 5 or 7 year old, it would be better.  I also have ASD so I wouldn't feel ready to raise anyone.  I just graduated college and have no job or experience so I'm not in any situation to have any children.  Maybe when I'm older and financially stable.  But one thing for sure is that I never want to be pregnant.

[helana12_03]

That's what siblings are for.

[babybrass]

My mom's very determined for me to have kids one day... despite the fact that I have four siblings that could give her grandchildren. 

[Nerodia1968]

Terrific discussion! I wanted to quote everybody ... but that wouldn't have been practical. :-)

 

First, I just want to say, to you and everyone who chooses child-free: Bravo! Stick to your guns; you won't regret it!

 

And if you're even 10% uncertain about having babies -- don't. That 10% will poison everything with resentment.

 

Okay, moving on: It sounds like your dad -- like most parents -- thinks that it's your job to please him. This is frustrating, because you feel invisible. But It's not you job to make him happy. Never, EVER force yourself to do anything to please someone else; it's not worth it.

 

Here are some strategies I use to cope with nags and other annoying people: 

 

1. First strategy: Calmly state the truth, and use the "broken record" technique until they shut up:

Dad: When are you going to give me grandbabies?

Me:  Dad, I hear your frustration, but the answer is "never," and my decision is not open for discussion.

 

Dad: But you don't have to get pregnant; you could adopt, or get artificial insemination.

Me: I agree, Dad, but the answer is "no," and my decision is not open for discussion. 

 

Dad: How can you be so selfish?

Me: Dad, you may think whatever you want, but the answer is "no," and my decision is not open for discussion.

 

Dad: But you're not complete as a human being until you have children.

Me: Dad, you may think whatever you want, but the answer is still "no," and my decision is not open for discussion.

 

2. Second strategy: Excuse myself and calmly walk out of the room (thank you @Sally ). I try not to roll my eyes, although it's difficult sometimes. If I'm on the phone, I politely say, "Excuse me, someone is at the door" and hang up. Stop feeding them energy; eventually, they'll give up and go somewhere else.

 

3. If leaving the room isn't an option, I allow myself to mentally "check out". They will keep rambling on until they reach The Uncomfortable Silence... which drags on until the nag says,

"Hello? Are you listening?".

At which point, I say something like "Oh, I'm sorry, I was thinking about England. What were you saying?"

Rinse and repeat until the nag gets frustrated and goes away.

 

Don't be afraid to be disrespectful; after all, they started the cycle by being disrespectful of you. 

 

Hope that helps. And hang in there! If you ever need encouragement, hit me up.

[Rhyme]

I've only had a proper discussion with my mum about being asexual, but she told my dad so I'm guessing he knows (unless he's in denial). Both of them want grandkids (their own parents have 6+), which put some pressure on me. I don't think they mean to pressure me, but I easily feel guilty when I feel I've let them down, which is honestly one of my worst fears. I'm not going to have kids just because they want grandkids (fingers crossed I don't cave), but it makes me feel horrible whenever I start thinking about it. I'm only 18 and I know things can change, but at this point in time, I can't imagine ever having kids, and I certainly won't be pushing one out of me. 

[tiptoenail]

I’m glad I’m not female and have to put up with the added pressure\expectations of having to have children to please someone else or are forced into a conversation that start off with “when are you going to have children”.   

Don’t get me wrong I love to spend time with each of nieces and nephews, but at the end of the day I get to go home and that's the way I like.

[Kit Rose]

i'd personally love to have kids, but i don't want to have kids, y'know? adoption is the route i plan on going once i can afford kids, whether i have a partner or not. that probably won't be for another ten years, though. i never really imagined myself in a situation where a partner would be involved, actually. i've always just figured i'd be on my own, relationship-wise. i almost dated a guy about a year ago, but he was pretty traditionalist, and once he figured out that 1. he wouldn't be getting laid any time soon, and 2. i didn't want to have kids ""naturally"", he bailed. and now that all of my family members in my generation are either getting married, having kids, or both, all eyes have turned to me as the youngest to start doing the same thing. my mom always loves to brag about how much she loved being pregnant, but my step-sister recently had a kid and hated it, so i encouraged her to talk about how fucking dreadful being pregnant was in front of my mother to show that not everyone has a fun time. i'm grateful my dad doesn't give a shit, honestly. i already have a cat, what more do they want??

[Homer]

If anyone ever came up with a reasonable, not entirely selfish reason to have kids, I might reconsider

 

Long story short: Parents can wish for all they want, but it's your choice whether or not to have some. If you're not completely certain that you want some, don't have some. I'd be pretty pissed to know that my existence is just a tool to make someone happy.

[will123]

My parents never made any comments to me about a lack of relationships, marriage and or grandkids. I have a 19 year old nephew, so I've been off the hook for several years now.

[Fox6]

While I am childfree, I have never said anything about it to my parents because I believe that's a personal decision and doesn't concern anyone else. And being a man, I am not pressured the same way as women are. I have never dated anyone and I can't have children of my own, so it's not like my parents could say anything. I also don't have a biological clock.

[Hermit Advocate]

It's really interesting how if a guy says he doesn't want children it's an okay concept. If its a girl it's "OH MY GOSH! HOW CAN YOU NOT WANT KIDS! YOU"LL CHANGE YOUR MIND SOMEDAY!" in response. 

 

Damn social double standards.