would you marry your best friend?

[binary suns]

let's pretend you have a best friend, you get along with them lovely amount and trust them dearly and they trust you. they mean the world to you and you to them.

suppose neither of you really "know" if you have romantic or sexual feelings for each other at all.

and you're both comfortably employed and 25 to 35 years old

 

for whatever reason you're looking at each other and wondering, huh. we could just marry just for peace of mind. or if you're not romantic, just for the sake of found family.

 

(and , for those of you who are sexual, despite an assumed lack, but you're just unsure,  of sexual feelings, it's something you could do just as two friends who care for each other. maybe you'll get hot and bothered for each other after all, maybe you won't, but assuming you desire sex, it is an option of course. you trust and care for each other after all - it would be satisfying to assist each other at the very least.)

 

would you marry them?

 

why or why not?

 

I'm curious :3 

[binary suns]

myself. to be honest, several of my friends in the past, I believed that if they had wanted it, I would be willing and happy to marry them. but usually (but not always) my closest friends are the ones I lack attractions for. it wouldn't have bothered me. I just, they were my best friend for a reason. we got along well and I trusted them. for me that's enough to be happy. and well, being happy on my own could be enough too. so I think I would marry my best friend, just for the sake of found family, if it was a realistic option.

[Still]

I can't decide whether it'd be weirder to bring up marriage to a male or a female best friend.

[fiѕh]

I would totally marry my best friend... like, for real, not just in your parallel universe situation. Being like best friends is my ideal relationship anyway, I could totally skip all the romance. Actually would be such a fucking relief if I never had to do any romance ever again in my life just for the sake of being with someone. So duh, might as well marry my best friend. No more "but when are you gonna be ok enough to love me the right way?"-kinda conversations. Can't say I ever had anything that felt much different from what I feel for good friends, either. If I like someone enough, it's honestly just a matter of circumstances and compatibility.

 

Now, how to get rid of his GF.... *sharpens knife*

...wait no, he usually gets that done all by himself.

[chair jockey]

My observation is that marriage is not static but dynamic. The relationship of two married people shifts and changes over the course of the marriage. And marriage involves a number of things that close friendship doesn't involve, such as pooling of resources and splitting of expenses, maintenance of a shared home to an extent that roommates don't have, the need to adjust personal goals and plans to suit the spouse, compromise on a thousand and one minor points of incompatibility that often are discovered only after the honeymoon is over and add up to a cumulative big thing, issues with rearing children and the unpredictability of how children turn out, etc etc etc. Long story short, somebody being your dearest friend before marriage doesn't necessarily lead to a successful marriage--although being close friends before marriage definitely helps avoid a lot of crap that people go through because they married without being friends as well as lovers.

 

I'm not saying anything about the people posting in this thread because I don't think the following applies to you, but too many people get the wrong idea about marriage from fairy tales that say "and they lived happily forever after" and shows such as "Say Yes to the Dress." Both are pernicious and damaging and I've been opposed to them for years.

[Guest]

.

[cooliocool]

Nope, I wouldn't marry anyone. 

[m4rble]

It would depend on the specifics of the situation. I would probably want to date them first because dating is often  more similar in relationship structure than friendship to marriage. Outside of relationship structure I can't really differentiate feelings of friendship from romantic feelings anyway so this situation would necessarily describe what it would be like for me if I decided to marry. 

[Autumn Season]

Rather not. Marrying somebody is so extreme, only the me who is in love could deal with it.

[SaturnOOO]

3 hours ago, Autumn Season said:

Rather not. Marrying somebody is so extreme, only the me who is in love could deal with it.

Seconded. Except my answer would be definitely not. I have a really strong aversion to thinking of my friends in any sort of sexual or romantic capacity whatsoever. It makes me extremely uncomfortable. I do have some friends that fit the bill of what you are describing: "you get along with them lovely amount and trust them dearly and they trust you. they mean the world to you and you to them", but I consider them family. Thinking about marrying them would be like thinking about marrying my biological sister. I love her, but no thanks! 

 

Interestingly, I've been noticing that many people on this site are actually more likely to think of their friends sexually/ romantically than anyone else. Not that it doesn't make sense; you already know, like, and trust those people, so you're already halfway there. It has made me wonder if the aversion I have is extremely atypical. Years ago, my best friend actually brought up the idea of maybe being something more than friends, and I wanted to get up and run out of the room. In his mind, we were already spending day and night together, so why not be able to kiss and cuddle while hanging out? In my mind, it was like this big mental roadblock that I couldn't get past. Luckily he was very accepting of my boundaries and we are still extremely close to this day, but I did find I had trouble explaining to him that no, it's not because I think you're ugly or I don't like you enough, but friends are friends, and kissing and cuddling is something completely different and way, way off in the distance.

[MrDane]

My wife and I, started out as best friends, and we still are, (15+ years) though the shift in her sexuality from just being shy/timid/non-initiating towards asexuality, has been hard on me. (I guess the hard part for her was not the shift, but more the expectation/pressure for sex)

[Guest]

I would think the goal is to marry your best friend.

 

But, I wouldn't marry a platonic friend unless it was something like we are both older, it makes sense financially and intend to be single the rest of our lives anyway. 

[James121]

Nope. Marriage should be more than just friendship. Stay friends, why marry?

[James121]

1 minute ago, CBC said:

Yeah I sort of don't get why one would bother marrying in this situation. Unless it was for the financial/legal benefits, I suppose. Just live together.

Exactly. What is the need to marry? Like you say, maybe there is a financial incentive.  If anything marriage may bring a new pressure to the relationship.

[Tatsuya]

As long as there aren't any romantic/sexual obligations and they're as willing to marry just for financial benefits as I am, definitely... is what I would say. But I get the feeling a marriage formed under those circumstances wouldn't last longer than a year, especially considering I don't have any asexual friends/friends who are willing to go the rest of their lives without a romantic relationship.

 

I'm all for the idea of having a permanent bestie stuck with me by marriage though. I think if they had the right personality, it could potentially be a lot of fun.

[Ettina]

Probably, as long as they understood exactly what kind of relationship I wanted from them. 

[_V_]

Relationships scare me in a way. I enjoy them, I like feeling loved, trusted, cared for, wanted. But I'm always so scared of losing that. I don't want anyone to leave me. Sometimes I feel like it's better to avoid any relationships so that there's no chance someone will leave me. I'm afraid of losing people I care about. It's happened too much. So, to answer the original question, I have no idea. 

[Giulietta]

Personally I wouldn't, but that's because I've known my best friend since we were four- we're practically sisters (we still refer to each other as "twin" because of some book we both read a few years back), and so it'd feel like marrying one of my brothers- which seems kinda gross. However, I have had other very close friends in the past where marriage could have been a possibility if it was what they wanted. 

[Homer]

I guess I'm one of the few people who actually had a serious RL discussion about that  I can totally see me pull that off. Not living together, yet being close to and responsible for one another. Sounds strange, but it does work! It would have to be someone I really trust; there was exactly one person who I could have imagined to do this with.

 

Set up a contract just in case romance strikes and you have to split, live your life, collect tax benefits, done.

[just an owl]

On 1/27/2017 at 1:28 PM, Every Red Heart Shines said:

let's pretend you have a best friend

Damn... That's kinda harsh

 

Uh, I don't think so, honestly. I'm not desperate to get married anyway, but I wouldn't want to marry my best friend because I might end up wanting to actually marry a partner.

[Sea Lemon]

I guess if there were a reason to then I would (like tax breaks or whatever). I've lived with close friends entirely platonically before, and in a couple of cases I've done the whole sharing resources/compromising on incompatibilities/taking joint responsibility for maintenance etc that a lot of people seem to see as being part of a relationship. I realise that I seem to get a lot closer in my platonic relationships than most people do, but I like it that way, and if I ever found myself in that hypothetical situation then I think it'd work fine.

[binary suns]

tbh when I think of marriage, it is just a formality title really to say this is what we're doing. there's something fundamentally different about "lets pretend like we're married but not actually marry" and "let's be married" - one seems kind of suspicious and false or unreliable.

 

I mean, if you skip the wedding, then the cost of it is minimal, and yet the social benefits of "having someone" is there, it's just kind of part of our culture at this point. 

 

honestly, I don't consider marriage in and of itself romantic. I mean, we can if we want to and look, find romance in literally any human connection. but, romance isn't things and actions. and marriage was unromantic historically, an arrangement of establishing a connection between two parents, almost a political thing. if it was romantic you were lucky, or you had taken the effort together with the partner to find romance. nowadays our culture expects romance before marriage but IMO that is a matter of convenience, an increase in quality of life - for aromantic people, I still consider marriage to be some thing they might want to do without it being a romantic thing - although naturally because of the way our culture has developed. it's more likely the aromantic person would hesitate about the prospect of marriage. 

 

probably my being demiromantic opens my up to the idea of romantic, in a way I almost expect (though it could possible not work out) that if I planned to marry someone, I would fall for them eventually, give it time. but that isn't a promise - so in a way, for me to form a relationship I have to establish it with healthy platonic connections before I can reach the point where I'm romantic with someone. 

[Vicky Angel]

nope

[Guest Jetsun Milarepa]

Only if they were Ace too!

[Sherlocks]

I had best friends I would consider marrying yes. 

I told them they were marriage material 

Me saying someone is marriage material is actually a huge compliment from me 

At the moment I don't have a lot of close friends though 

and I no longer have the ability to make deep connections with people 

[Chihiro]

On 1/29/2017 at 3:04 PM, chandrakirti said:

Only if they were Ace too!

Yup, this. I get a lot closer to people when I am close friends with them. like if we are opposite sex, people ship us. Or we get called as besties if we are of same sex. As long as the friend expects nothing more than what we already have in terms of romance, I would totally do it.

[Cat0]

Yeah I grew up with these  conversations, "when we hit the age of 40 and we are still single let's move in together and be old ladies with a billion and one cats.. most of my friends have moved on and have gotten partners already. Only one of my friends that I care for and feels like she hasn't changed I would with. We had this conversation not that long ago haha. Though.

I would feel sad. 

[Hermit Advocate]

I wouldn't want to share an apartment with my best friend much less get married to her, I love her to death but there are times where I just want to smack her. Besides, she's strait and not so good with money management. 

[Sunflowerfield]

I would consider having a lifelong committed platonic partnership with someone, which would be as committed as a marriage relationship - but I don't think I would marry someone if I didn't want to have a romantic/sexual relationship with them.

 

However, if I was in a lifelong platonic partnership and it was necessary to get a civil partnership for the practical benefits, I would probably do it. But I don't think I would just marry a best friend for the sake of it, if that makes sense!

[Lord Jade Cross]

Considering my way of being, I think it would be safe to say that there wont be any lifelong relationship such as or similar to a marriage.  I can only really take so much of having somebody else around before their presence bothers me.