roma62 Posted January 27, 2017 Share Posted January 27, 2017 Hello everyone, I am the sexual wife of an asexual husband, he is almost 63. After countless fights over the past 3 yrs, he has just about confessed to being asexual, although he didnt word it that way, exactly, but the way he described himself his whole life, I am sure thats what he is. A question I ask, because I am curious: why is it that some (not all) asexuals just dont come right and tell the people they're dating that they are asexual? I married my husband 3 yrs ago not knowing this, and it was only through many,many serious fights about sex that it all came out. Why not be up front about it and let the sexual partner know up front? I am not sure I would have married him, this has been heartbreaking for me, thinking I am ugly (I am not), not good enough, etc. It has really hurt me. He loves me he just has no desire for sex, he was like this with his past relationships, they never lasted very long at all Link to post Share on other sites
AVEN #1 fan Posted January 27, 2017 Share Posted January 27, 2017 I think not even asexuals know they are at first, some people never realize it. Others I guess feel embarrassed or have little to no problem with sex. Link to post Share on other sites
roma62 Posted January 27, 2017 Author Share Posted January 27, 2017 2 minutes ago, AVEN #1 fan said: I think not even asexuals know they are at first, some people never realize it. Others I guess feel embarrassed or have little to no problem with sex. thank you, that makes sense, I think my husband knows he is not typical, but what bothers me is that he says I over over-sexed because I would like to have sex about 3 times a month. Link to post Share on other sites
AVEN #1 fan Posted January 27, 2017 Share Posted January 27, 2017 2 minutes ago, roma62 said: thank you, that makes sense, I think my husband knows he is not typical, but what bothers me is that he says I over over-sexed because I would like to have sex about 3 times a month. I know people who are lit up for sex everyday lol, I think culture and people's sex drives can be very different. If he's not sex averse or hate it or is genital repulsed and cares for you, he can probably try to find a deal with you, sex for ace people is literally an major event. Also, do not feel bad if he just can't have sex with you, people shouldn't be obligated to do anything. I'm sure he probably loves you if he stood all this time with u. Link to post Share on other sites
Nerodia1968 Posted January 27, 2017 Share Posted January 27, 2017 For 30 years, I just assumed that everyone else felt like I did about sex (meh), and pretended to like sex in order to appear normal in an over-sexualized culture. Didn't figure out that I was the "different" one until just over a year ago. Link to post Share on other sites
Private Posted January 27, 2017 Share Posted January 27, 2017 1 hour ago, Nerodia1968 said: For 30 years, I just assumed that everyone else felt like I did about sex (meh), and pretended to like sex in order to appear normal in an over-sexualized culture. Didn't figure out that I was the "different" one until just over a year ago. Roma62: I agree with the above quote. He likely does not realize of perhaps does not want to admit that he is asexual. I feigned interest in sex for years to please my ex-husband. It was not until I was in my late 50s that I realized I did not enjoy sex and that there were other people out there who felt the same and that it is OKAY TO FEEL THAT WAY. The problem, though, is will your love for him and his love for you be enough for you, if he never wants sex again. Link to post Share on other sites
Tanwen Posted January 28, 2017 Share Posted January 28, 2017 Welcome to Oldies, we really are a friendly bunch and I'm glad you've found your way here. You might find some helpful pointers in Sexual Partners Friends and Allies as well as here. Link to post Share on other sites
Mocha Jo Posted January 29, 2017 Share Posted January 29, 2017 Having been married twice, I was unaware the first time that I hated sex and that it was such an important, defining part of a relationship (yes, I was young). The second time I was upfront about not liking sex, but we both thought it was "fixable". It wasn't. Then I found out about asexuality and a lightbulb went on. It is just who I am and I am never going to be a sexual person. I am fine with it, but it took 2 divorces to figure it out. Link to post Share on other sites
AlizarinPR83 Posted January 29, 2017 Share Posted January 29, 2017 When I was younger I didn't realize people could be asexual. I realize now that I had a high need for intimacy and so I would get into sexual relationships for that. Then after a short while I would stop wanting/being able to have sex and the relationship would soon end. Once I even tried some interventions to stimulate sex drive (hormone shots, herbs, medications, etc.) when I was in an intimate relationship with someone I really liked and wanted to stay with. Nothing ever worked. After the initial phase (meeting/romantic attraction and using sex to initiate an intimate emotional relationship) I just could not force myself to keep having sex. It is such a relief to me now to have finally realized and accepted that I am asexual. And also a HUGE relief to have a lower need for emotional intimacy and therefore not be in a relationship where I constantly feel obliged to do something I really don't want to do! Link to post Share on other sites
roma62 Posted January 29, 2017 Author Share Posted January 29, 2017 On 1/27/2017 at 0:27 PM, Private said: Roma62: I agree with the above quote. He likely does not realize of perhaps does not want to admit that he is asexual. I feigned interest in sex for years to please my ex-husband. It was not until I was in my late 50s that I realized I did not enjoy sex and that there were other people out there who felt the same and that it is OKAY TO FEEL THAT WAY. The problem, though, is will your love for him and his love for you be enough for you, if he never wants sex again. thank you for contributing! I ask myself every day if I can be happy in a platonic marriage. He does love me, but its like that type of love we have in junior high school. very innocent and not carnal in the least little bit. I have a high sex drive. I want to stay married to him. I have a peaceful life with him. But there is a huge void. To fill the void, I maintain friendships (in real life and online), I have a dog, I have things that interest me (crafts, reading, etc etc) and I am in the process of converting to a new religion, which I believe, will help me to deal with all of this. I am grateful to find this group. Does anyone feel annoyed at all the sex thats on TV? I am a sexual person with a strong sex drive but it annoys the heck out of me.....every TV show, every movie, and even if a person is selective about what they watch, there are the commercials out there....the Viagra and Cialis ads, the Testesterone ads, the sex toy ads. Its crazy. It never used to be like this. I am 54 I can remember when TV was a lot tamer and I wish it would go back to that Link to post Share on other sites
roma62 Posted January 30, 2017 Author Share Posted January 30, 2017 23 hours ago, Mocha Jo said: Having been married twice, I was unaware the first time that I hated sex and that it was such an important, defining part of a relationship (yes, I was young). The second time I was upfront about not liking sex, but we both thought it was "fixable". It wasn't. Then I found out about asexuality and a lightbulb went on. It is just who I am and I am never going to be a sexual person. I am fine with it, but it took 2 divorces to figure it out. thank you for contributing, I do believe this is how my husband must feel, you summed it up accurately. Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
roma62 Posted January 30, 2017 Author Share Posted January 30, 2017 23 hours ago, AlizarinPR83 said: When I was younger I didn't realize people could be asexual. I realize now that I had a high need for intimacy and so I would get into sexual relationships for that. Then after a short while I would stop wanting/being able to have sex and the relationship would soon end. Once I even tried some interventions to stimulate sex drive (hormone shots, herbs, medications, etc.) when I was in an intimate relationship with someone I really liked and wanted to stay with. Nothing ever worked. After the initial phase (meeting/romantic attraction and using sex to initiate an intimate emotional relationship) I just could not force myself to keep having sex. It is such a relief to me now to have finally realized and accepted that I am asexual. And also a HUGE relief to have a lower need for emotional intimacy and therefore not be in a relationship where I constantly feel obliged to do something I really don't want to do! Wow, this is exactly how it is with my husband, to a tee! His past relationships never lasted more than a few months. He was married twice, but claims that sex was very infrequent (twice a year in marriage #1, about every 2 months in marriage #2). Everything you describe is how he is. I have been with him a little over 3 years and I am just recently started to understand that it is not me causing his lack of sexual interest, its just who he is. He craves emotional closeness (I would even call it intimacy, he just likes to hold hands and do light kisses (it reminds me of how it was in junior high school). He seems to needs romance but it ends there. He will not discuss it, whenever I try, he threatens divorce, which we have discussed at length for the past 18 months. It makes me very sad. I has been difficult for me. Thank you for sharing, it really helps me to see the big picture and to accept things. I thank you Link to post Share on other sites
roma62 Posted January 30, 2017 Author Share Posted January 30, 2017 On 1/26/2017 at 7:36 PM, AVEN #1 fan said: I know people who are lit up for sex everyday lol, I think culture and people's sex drives can be very different. If he's not sex averse or hate it or is genital repulsed and cares for you, he can probably try to find a deal with you, sex for ace people is literally an major event. Also, do not feel bad if he just can't have sex with you, people shouldn't be obligated to do anything. I'm sure he probably loves you if he stood all this time with u. thank you, yes he does love me, I can see he does. It's just plantonic love, like what I feel for my guy-friends, my brothers, cousins, etc. 2 minutes ago, roma62 said: Wow, this is exactly how it is with my husband, to a tee! His past relationships never lasted more than a few months. He was married twice, but claims that sex was very infrequent (twice a year in marriage #1, about every 2 months in marriage #2). Everything you describe is how he is. I have been with him a little over 3 years and I am just recently started to understand that it is not me causing his lack of sexual interest, its just who he is. He craves emotional closeness (I would even call it intimacy, he just likes to hold hands and do light kisses (it reminds me of how it was in junior high school). He seems to needs romance but it ends there. He will not discuss it, whenever I try, he threatens divorce, which we have discussed at length for the past 18 months. It makes me very sad. I has been difficult for me. Thank you for sharing, it really helps me to see the big picture and to accept things. I thank you Link to post Share on other sites
Private Posted January 30, 2017 Share Posted January 30, 2017 3 hours ago, roma62 said: He will not discuss it, whenever I try, he threatens divorce, which we have discussed at length for the past 18 months. It makes me very sad. Roma: It is very wrong for him to threaten divorce when you attempt to discuss this issue with him. Can you see a couples counselor to facilitate discussion. In the end, Roma, you will need to decide will the love an stability you feel with him be enough for you to forsake your need for a sexual connection. Sadly, this was likely something that should have been discussed before you too married, but asexuality is seen as so abnormal that many people are afraid to discuss it. I wish I knew that other people are asexual before I married. Link to post Share on other sites
Private Posted January 30, 2017 Share Posted January 30, 2017 20 hours ago, roma62 said: Does anyone feel annoyed at all the sex thats on TV? I am a sexual person with a strong sex drive but it annoys the heck out of me.....every TV show, every movie, and even if a person is selective about what they watch, there are the commercials out there....the Viagra and Cialis ads, the Testesterone ads, the sex toy ads. Its crazy. It never used to be like this. I am 54 I can remember when TV was a lot tamer and I wish it would go back to that I do feel annoyed about the constant focus on sex in our society. Particularly on TV shows, in commercials and the movies. I think it is a very false narrative that is being foisted on the public. This hyper focus on sex. Imo, there is nothing wrong with wanting sex, but yes the constant bombardment of viagra ads and the continual focus on sex everywhere else seems a bit much, too me. Link to post Share on other sites
roma62 Posted January 30, 2017 Author Share Posted January 30, 2017 5 hours ago, Private said: Roma: It is very wrong for him to threaten divorce when you attempt to discuss this issue with him. Can you see a couples counselor to facilitate discussion. In the end, Roma, you will need to decide will the love an stability you feel with him be enough for you to forsake your need for a sexual connection. Sadly, this was likely something that should have been discussed before you too married, but asexuality is seen as so abnormal that many people are afraid to discuss it. I wish I knew that other people are asexual before I married. I think he fell in love with me (he did rather quickly) and he didnt want to lose me. I saw the red flags that something wasnt typical with him, I just figured it was because he had been celibate for 10 yrs before me, he said he was nervous. I should have seen the red flags as serious. Thank you for your feedback Link to post Share on other sites
Fersergi Posted February 12, 2017 Share Posted February 12, 2017 On 26/01/2017 at 7:13 PM, roma62 said: Hello everyone, I am the sexual wife of an asexual husband, he is almost 63. After countless fights over the past 3 yrs, he has just about confessed to being asexual, although he didnt word it that way, exactly, but the way he described himself his whole life, I am sure thats what he is. A question I ask, because I am curious: why is it that some (not all) asexuals just dont come right and tell the people they're dating that they are asexual? I married my husband 3 yrs ago not knowing this, and it was only through many,many serious fights about sex that it all came out. Why not be up front about it and let the sexual partner know up front? I am not sure I would have married him, this has been heartbreaking for me, thinking I am ugly (I am not), not good enough, etc. It has really hurt me. He loves me he just has no desire for sex, he was like this with his past relationships, they never lasted very long at all I was married before and had many fights about sex, because I was never interested in it. I didn't know much about asexuality. This is a self discovery. Maybe your husband doesn't know much about it either. It was extremely hard for me to talk about sexual things. The moment I started reading about asexuality, I realized "Yup! That's me!!!" And things got so clear. For asexual people, love and sex are NOT connected at all. Talk to him. Talking is key! Link to post Share on other sites
roma62 Posted February 13, 2017 Author Share Posted February 13, 2017 9 hours ago, Fersergi said: I was married before and had many fights about sex, because I was never interested in it. I didn't know much about asexuality. This is a self discovery. Maybe your husband doesn't know much about it either. It was extremely hard for me to talk about sexual things. The moment I started reading about asexuality, I realized "Yup! That's me!!!" And things got so clear. For asexual people, love and sex are NOT connected at all. Talk to him. Talking is key! I agree, talking is the key, yet he refuses. He gets angry and defensive and says I am to blame. We have had so many fights over the past 2 yrs. After our last fight on Jan 18, he went to a lawyer the next day to file for divorce, then had a change of heart. That was the last time I will talk to him about it again. Which is why I am on this forum, just to get support from others, and to not feel so alone. I was not anticipating this so early on in our marriage. His previous 2 marriage were also sexless, more or less, aside from when they were trying to conceive children Link to post Share on other sites
roma62 Posted February 13, 2017 Author Share Posted February 13, 2017 On 1/26/2017 at 7:36 PM, AVEN #1 fan said: I know people who are lit up for sex everyday lol, I think culture and people's sex drives can be very different. If he's not sex averse or hate it or is genital repulsed and cares for you, he can probably try to find a deal with you, sex for ace people is literally an major event. Also, do not feel bad if he just can't have sex with you, people shouldn't be obligated to do anything. I'm sure he probably loves you if he stood all this time with u. 1 minute ago, roma62 said: I agree, talking is the key, yet he refuses. He gets angry and defensive and says I am to blame. We have had so many fights over the past 2 yrs. After our last fight on Jan 18, he went to a lawyer the next day to file for divorce, then had a change of heart. That was the last time I will talk to him about it again. Which is why I am on this forum, just to get support from others, and to not feel so alone. I was not anticipating this so early on in our marriage. His previous 2 marriage were also sexless, more or less, aside from when they were trying to conceive children to the person who said asexuals view sex as a major event, yep, that's how my husband feels. He was so impressed in the early days of our relationship when we were having sex 2 times a week, he thought that was some spectacular. I told him it was typical for a couple who'd just started their life together. He said he hadnt had that much sex ever, in his whole life (less than 100 times and he was nearly 60) Link to post Share on other sites
Fersergi Posted February 13, 2017 Share Posted February 13, 2017 I'm sorry to hear he doesn't want to talk about it. That must be super hard on both of you. I'm sure he does love you. But... The difference in sex drive is a big thing in a relationship. Would you two try going to a counselor together? That might help him feel more comfortable talking g about it. Link to post Share on other sites
roma62 Posted February 13, 2017 Author Share Posted February 13, 2017 2 hours ago, Fersergi said: I'm sorry to hear he doesn't want to talk about it. That must be super hard on both of you. I'm sure he does love you. But... The difference in sex drive is a big thing in a relationship. Would you two try going to a counselor together? That might help him feel more comfortable talking g about it. I start counseling the week after next. My insurance co. will give me 22 free visits which is wonderful. He wont go with me, he wont talk to anyone about it, says its my problem, says I am the one who is unusual, so I am going to the therapist to try and figure out how I am supposed to live in a sexless marriage for the rest of my life.....maybe she will have some healthy coping mechanisms other than an affair or ongoing resentment I feel for him. I dont like the way this makes me feel. I dont feel like myself anymore. I am basically a compassionate, loving person but I cant find a way to deal with the resentment of why he didnt level with me before we got married. Just watched a movie tonight, a simple thing like a love sene between a married couple upset me, knowing I can never have this with my husband. Thank you for talking, this forum helps so much. Link to post Share on other sites
Fersergi Posted February 13, 2017 Share Posted February 13, 2017 That's great that you will connect with a counsellor. I do hope that this helps! The Aven Network is great - I am happy you found it, and that you feel you can talk here. Link to post Share on other sites
Sally Posted February 13, 2017 Share Posted February 13, 2017 Roma, it sounds like you pretty much know by now how he feels, and you said you've talked about it/fought about it for 18 months. So talking any more about it probably wouldn't do any good. The fact that he's talked about divorce sounds to me (without having heard you two talk, of course) that he may feel that there's nothing to be done: he can't be what you want him to be, and you are very unhappy. Unfortunately, love is often not enough -- when neither party is happy. Link to post Share on other sites
roma62 Posted February 13, 2017 Author Share Posted February 13, 2017 6 hours ago, Fersergi said: That's great that you will connect with a counsellor. I do hope that this helps! The Aven Network is great - I am happy you found it, and that you feel you can talk here. yes, this has been the best help for me so far. I had gone to a counselor one before, briefly, I told her i thought my spouse was asexual, she insisted it was just low testesterone or his age. But its not either of those. He has always been this way, even as a young man. Thanks for letting me talk . I appreciate you. Everyone here is helpful and understanding. Link to post Share on other sites
roma62 Posted February 13, 2017 Author Share Posted February 13, 2017 6 hours ago, Sally said: Roma, it sounds like you pretty much know by now how he feels, and you said you've talked about it/fought about it for 18 months. So talking any more about it probably wouldn't do any good. The fact that he's talked about divorce sounds to me (without having heard you two talk, of course) that he may feel that there's nothing to be done: he can't be what you want him to be, and you are very unhappy. Unfortunately, love is often not enough -- when neither party is happy. 6 hours ago, Sally said: Roma, it sounds like you pretty much know by now how he feels, and you said you've talked about it/fought about it for 18 months. So talking any more about it probably wouldn't do any good. The fact that he's talked about divorce sounds to me (without having heard you two talk, of course) that he may feel that there's nothing to be done: he can't be what you want him to be, and you are very unhappy. Unfortunately, love is often not enough -- when neither party is happy. Yes, although we love each other, some days it seems like its not enough. From a practical standpoint, it should be, and thats where I feel bad about myself, guilty for wanting a traditional sexual marriage. I ask myself if I am a shallow, uncaring person, and I am not. I just need too make love to my husband. The only reason we have not divorced is because we are trying to find a solution. I have drowned myself in hobbies and outside interests too fill up time and space in my head. I do okay until I watch TV, I forget about sex, then I see something and the scab gets ripped off my wounded heart. (there is always a sex scene on TV, and if not on the shows that are on, its the commercials). I hope therapy can help me. It makes me feel so incredibly ugly and unattractive to know my husband doesnt desire me sexually. Yet I know I am far from ugly and unattractive. Thanks for letting me talk. I guess I just wonder most of all what he was thinking when he wanted to marry me.....did he actually think I would stop wanting a normal sex life a few months into the relationship? He has told me repeatedly that none of his prior relationships, marriages included, ever included normal or frequent sex. So that makes me feel a little better. Both of his former wives were beautiful women, above average looks. So it's just him. He should have stayed single and just had gal-pals. He told me that's all he ever wanted until he met me, then for some reason with me, he thought he wanted more. But in the end, he didn't. So here I am, on this forum. Also want to add that he suffers from chronic, severe depression. He said he was always prone to sadness. Yet when he is around his guy friends he gets all happy. I used to think he might be gay, but he seems more asexual than gay. These are all things I hope to address in therapy. Link to post Share on other sites
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