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Suspect Asexual Husband


roma62

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Greetings, I am married to a good man. He is no longer young but he is still young enough to have sex. I married him 2 yrs ago. I knew something was different from the start, and over the course of the last 2-3 years, I have figured out that he is probably asexual. He is romantic he is just uncomfortable with sex and finally admitted after I dragged it out of him, that he had this trouble his whole life (not being interested in sex). Its nothing medical. Its just the way he is. Over the last year or so it has caused many serious arguments between us. We have discussed divorce but we love each other and are committed to each other. I will be a loyal wife. I have no interest in straying. But the sex is gone. Even when it was part of our life, it was not frequent. I am looking to talk to other women who are in similar predicaments, to learn how they cope. I want to stay married to him.

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CentaurianPrincess

I've heard of situations like this where the sexual partner finds a lover outside the relationship and still stays romantic with the asexual. It's just a suggestion.

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1 hour ago, spacefae said:

I've heard of situations like this where the sexual partner finds a lover outside the relationship and still stays romantic with the asexual. It's just a suggestion.

yes, I heard about this option too, but my moral moral and religious convictions prevent this. Thank you for trying to help, though, I appreciate it.

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13 hours ago, roma62 said:

Greetings, I am married to a good man. He is no longer young but he is still young enough to have sex. I married him 2 yrs ago. I knew something was different from the start, and over the course of the last 2-3 years, I have figured out that he is probably asexual. He is romantic he is just uncomfortable with sex and finally admitted after I dragged it out of him, that he had this trouble his whole life (not being interested in sex). Its nothing medical. Its just the way he is. Over the last year or so it has caused many serious arguments between us. We have discussed divorce but we love each other and are committed to each other. I will be a loyal wife. I have no interest in straying. But the sex is gone. Even when it was part of our life, it was not frequent. I am looking to talk to other women who are in similar predicaments, to learn how they cope. I want to stay married to him.

You have mentioned that this has caused many 'serious arguments'. I would guess by this that sex is important to you otherwise serious arguments wouldn't happen. Your husband may very well be a very nice man but the fact that you had to 'drag it out of him' and the fact that he admitted he has had 'trouble his whole life (not being interested in sex)' equates to quite a severe deception. He knew! He just didn't tell you. He should have been open with you earlier as it would have given you the opportunity to make a truly informed decision as to where you wanted to go with the relationship from the point of that honesty. Unfortunately he was not. There may be million reasons as to why he hid his asexuality (which it appears he is asexual) but none are reasonable enough reasons to deceive someone or not inform someone of the truth before a marriage commitment is made. It would be no different If I had decided to tell my wife that I wanted children from day 1 of our relationship and then after 10 years of marriage or however long, continually stalled and excused and hid from having them and then finally admitted I didn't ever want children. It's immoral in my opinion. You have a very tricky situation now which is that you clearly love him. There are many people even on this site who will simply say 'if you truly love him that will win the day' or 'sex isn't an essential part of life or relationships' or 'you don't need sex to live' or similar. These types of view are simply not fair. It's true that there is more to life then just sex but not having had the option to chose a life that involved sex is the big con. To answer your question, there will be many people in your position. Getting in touch with them may happen and I hope it does as you may find it helpful in terms of how you feel.

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2 hours ago, James121 said:

You have mentioned that this has caused many 'serious arguments'. I would guess by this that sex is important to you otherwise serious arguments wouldn't happen. Your husband may very well be a very nice man but the fact that you had to 'drag it out of him' and the fact that he admitted he has had 'trouble his whole life (not being interested in sex)' equates to quite a severe deception. He knew! He just didn't tell you. He should have been open with you earlier as it would have given you the opportunity to make a truly informed decision as to where you wanted to go with the relationship from the point of that honesty. Unfortunately he was not. There may be million reasons as to why he hid his asexuality (which it appears he is asexual) but none are reasonable enough reasons to deceive someone or not inform someone of the truth before a marriage commitment is made. It would be no different If I had decided to tell my wife that I wanted children from day 1 of our relationship and then after 10 years of marriage or however long, continually stalled and excused and hid from having them and then finally admitted I didn't ever want children. It's immoral in my opinion. You have a very tricky situation now which is that you clearly love him. There are many people even on this site who will simply say 'if you truly love him that will win the day' or 'sex isn't an essential part of life or relationships' or 'you don't need sex to live' or similar. These types of view are simply not fair. It's true that there is more to life then just sex but not having had the option to chose a life that involved sex is the big con. To answer your question, there will be many people in your position. Getting in touch with them may happen and I hope it does as you may find it helpful in terms of how you feel.

thank you so much for your reply, and yes, you are right! I feel angry that he did not level with me, especially because while we were dating, I sat with him and expressed my desire to have everything out in the open before we got serious. He also withheld serious health issues (such as he had a heart attack and quad bypass surgery). He lied about a lot, but I do love him. So yes, I need to find a way to stay married without the daily anger and resentent. I am seeing a therapist next month, and I think this group will help me as well.  You have understood my situation very well, and I could not have explained it better. I do feel like I was deceived. I even told him this, and his reply was he was afraid he would lose me. He was getting older, had been single 24 yrs and was tired of living alone. Thanks again, your reply has helped me.

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1 hour ago, roma62 said:

thank you so much for your reply, and yes, you are right! I feel angry that he did not level with me, especially because while we were dating, I sat with him and expressed my desire to have everything out in the open before we got serious. He also withheld serious health issues (such as he had a heart attack and quad bypass surgery). He lied about a lot, but I do love him. So yes, I need to find a way to stay married without the daily anger and resentent. I am seeing a therapist next month, and I think this group will help me as well.  You have understood my situation very well, and I could not have explained it better. I do feel like I was deceived. I even told him this, and his reply was he was afraid he would lose me. He was getting older, had been single 24 yrs and was tired of living alone. Thanks again, your reply has helped me.

Exactly as I suspected. His fear of losing you unfortunately was more significant in his eyes than the pain he was going to cause by letting you stay. You will probably never lose the frustration and anger entirely but you'll have to find ways to cope with it if you are serious about staying with him. Otherwise those heated arguments will keep occurring. All suggestions about outsourcing or having an open marriage will probably frustrate you more because if you are like me, You didn't marry someone expecting to have to have sex with other people. It simply isn't what I wanted. There are many very nice people on this site who will give you a degree of perception and insight from the other side of this issue and it helps but also be careful as there are plenty who have developed a rather unsympathetic and casual attitude of "sex isn't a requirement in any relationship" attitude. Some will even deduce that you blame worthy for ever having assumed sex would form part of your marriage (as if it's not a reasonable expectation yeah right!). I wish all the best, it's not going to be easy but you can only try.

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On 2017-01-27 at 3:31 AM, James121 said:

You have mentioned that this has caused many 'serious arguments'. I would guess by this that sex is important to you otherwise serious arguments wouldn't happen. Your husband may very well be a very nice man but the fact that you had to 'drag it out of him' and the fact that he admitted he has had 'trouble his whole life (not being interested in sex)' equates to quite a severe deception. He knew! He just didn't tell you. He should have been open with you earlier as it would have given you the opportunity to make a truly informed decision as to where you wanted to go with the relationship from the point of that honesty. Unfortunately he was not. There may be million reasons as to why he hid his asexuality (which it appears he is asexual) but none are reasonable enough reasons to deceive someone or not inform someone of the truth before a marriage commitment is made. It would be no different If I had decided to tell my wife that I wanted children from day 1 of our relationship and then after 10 years of marriage or however long, continually stalled and excused and hid from having them and then finally admitted I didn't ever want children. It's immoral in my opinion. You have a very tricky situation now which is that you clearly love him. There are many people even on this site who will simply say 'if you truly love him that will win the day' or 'sex isn't an essential part of life or relationships' or 'you don't need sex to live' or similar. These types of view are simply not fair. It's true that there is more to life then just sex but not having had the option to chose a life that involved sex is the big con. To answer your question, there will be many people in your position. Getting in touch with them may happen and I hope it does as you may find it helpful in terms of how you feel.

In the same boat as her. Think he knew all along. I agree with you James121, but I have struggled with whether to divorce him, find a side man or live with it.... I wish I had answers... It's a difficult situation... But deceptive is the right word!

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On 1/27/2017 at 6:18 AM, James121 said:

 There are many very nice people on this site who will give you a degree of perception and insight from the other side of this issue and it helps but also be careful as there are plenty who have developed a rather unsympathetic and casual attitude of "sex isn't a requirement in any relationship" attitude. Some will even deduce that you blame worthy for ever having assumed sex would form part of your marriage (as if it's not a reasonable expectation yeah right!). I wish all the best, it's not going to be easy but you can only try.

James, I think it would be better if you would let people on this  site answer for themselves, rather than talk for them.  

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On 1/26/2017 at 0:25 PM, roma62 said:

Greetings, I am married to a good man. He is no longer young but he is still young enough to have sex. I married him 2 yrs ago. I knew something was different from the start, and over the course of the last 2-3 years, I have figured out that he is probably asexual. He is romantic he is just uncomfortable with sex and finally admitted after I dragged it out of him, that he had this trouble his whole life (not being interested in sex). Its nothing medical. Its just the way he is. Over the last year or so it has caused many serious arguments between us. We have discussed divorce but we love each other and are committed to each other. I will be a loyal wife. I have no interest in straying. But the sex is gone. Even when it was part of our life, it was not frequent. I am looking to talk to other women who are in similar predicaments, to learn how they cope. I want to stay married to him.

 

If this is really a deal breaker for you, you are going to have to find a solution or break up. Lack of sex and sexual intimacy does seem to be a deal breaker for a lot of people. I know of some relationships allowing one partner to have a partner on the side if they personally can not satisfy them in the way they desire. You are by no means obligated to follow this suggestion but its what ive heard of some doing in these type of situations. Sorry to hear that your marriage has taken this road.  

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Disclaimers: - I am obviously the wrong gender and you should think on your own what your health ideologies etc. permit. -

  • Booze. - While alcohol probably is no solution for 98% of the world's problems, a cup of booze right before sleep gives me a warm fuzzy feeling that makes coping with the lack of interaction from my partner easier and knocks me out rather rapidly.
  • Occasional masturbation during guaranteed alone time. (I'd feel too uncomfortable to do it under my partner's eyes.)
  • Enjoy everything else that you have with your partner and treat yourself reasonably well.

I've seen my share of "happily" married people cyber-cheating or getting their life balanced that way. - No comment.- It is surely not really time efficient to try but must be floating some boats.

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On 04/02/2017 at 7:24 AM, Sally said:

James, I think it would be better if you would let people on this  site answer for themselves, rather than talk for them.  

I've read too many responses such as "not having sex won't kill them" or "sex doesn't equal love" from people who don't let sexual people answer for themselves I'm afraid.

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14 hours ago, Busrider said:

Disclaimers: - I am obviously the wrong gender and you should think on your own what your health ideologies etc. permit. -

  • Booze. - While alcohol probably is no solution for 98% of the world's problems, a cup of booze right before sleep gives me a warm fuzzy feeling that makes coping with the lack of interaction from my partner easier and knocks me out rather rapidly.
  • Occasional masturbation during guaranteed alone time. (I'd feel too uncomfortable to do it under my partner's eyes.)
  • Enjoy everything else that you have with your partner and treat yourself reasonably well.

I've seen my share of "happily" married people cyber-cheating or getting their life balanced that way. - No comment.- It is surely not really time efficient to try but must be floating some boats.

thank you for the comment, #2 and #3 will work for me. Thanks for contributing I appreciate it

 

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On 2/4/2017 at 2:00 AM, Mrs. Miss said:

In the same boat as her. Think he knew all along. I agree with you James121, but I have struggled with whether to divorce him, find a side man or live with it.... I wish I had answers... It's a difficult situation... But deceptive is the right word!

Thank you for contributing, it helps to know I am not alone

 

 

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On 2/4/2017 at 2:00 AM, Mrs. Miss said:

In the same boat as her. Think he knew all along. I agree with you James121, but I have struggled with whether to divorce him, find a side man or live with it.... I wish I had answers... It's a difficult situation... But deceptive is the right word!

thank you for your contribution, would you be willing to e-mail me to talk more? It seems like we are in similar situations, I dont want a divorce, thats the last thing I want, but it helps to have ppl to talk to

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3 hours ago, James121 said:

I've read too many responses such as "not having sex won't kill them" or "sex doesn't equal love" from people who don't let sexual people answer for themselves I'm afraid.

Sexual people  can probably judge for themselves whether those responses are appropriate for their own situations.  You telling them "about" asexuals doesn't allow that.  We're individuals, not a group.  

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Appalachian Sprite

It's unfortunate your husband has only now openly confronted this reality with you, and I can understand your anger with him, the feelings of deception and betrayal. Ideally, this would have been discussed at the beginning of the relationship, at least when things started getting serious. I would suggest, though, that it is good that he knows this about himself at all. From my own experience, my ex-husband and I weren't even lucky enough to have that. I was only able to come to terms with where I fell on the ace spectrum after we'd already separated and I'd had time to process my life history with relationships. For those of us who are indifferent to sex, it may not even cross our minds that it is something other people or partners are thinking about, let alone have it register as something crucial to the well-being of the relationship. I intellectually knew that physical intimacy was incredibly important to my ex-husband, but did not feel the same emotional pull to it. Ultimately, I felt ashamed by my relative lack of interest to the point I was rendered mute on the subject. In a world (specifically Western culture) where sexuality is exceedingly prominent in media, news, literature, etc., realizing one isn't measuring up to an assumed standard can be...well, disheartening doesn't even begin to describe it. 

 

Since you both have this issue relatively out in the open, nurturing that honest communication should be the next step. Therapists can help, although not all therapists are equipped to deal with asexuality. Listening is key--listening to him, and just as importantly: listening to yourself. I wish you the best and hope that whatever decision you and your partner reach, you find happiness and contentment. 

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10 hours ago, Appalachian Sprite said:

It's unfortunate your husband has only now openly confronted this reality with you, and I can understand your anger with him, the feelings of deception and betrayal. Ideally, this would have been discussed at the beginning of the relationship, at least when things started getting serious. I would suggest, though, that it is good that he knows this about himself at all. From my own experience, my ex-husband and I weren't even lucky enough to have that. I was only able to come to terms with where I fell on the ace spectrum after we'd already separated and I'd had time to process my life history with relationships. For those of us who are indifferent to sex, it may not even cross our minds that it is something other people or partners are thinking about, let alone have it register as something crucial to the well-being of the relationship. I intellectually knew that physical intimacy was incredibly important to my ex-husband, but did not feel the same emotional pull to it. Ultimately, I felt ashamed by my relative lack of interest to the point I was rendered mute on the subject. In a world (specifically Western culture) where sexuality is exceedingly prominent in media, news, literature, etc., realizing one isn't measuring up to an assumed standard can be...well, disheartening doesn't even begin to describe it. 

 

Since you both have this issue relatively out in the open, nurturing that honest communication should be the next step. Therapists can help, although not all therapists are equipped to deal with asexuality. Listening is key--listening to him, and just as importantly: listening to yourself. I wish you the best and hope that whatever decision you and your partner reach, you find happiness and contentment. 

thank you for your reply, it helps so much to hear from people, this forum has been a great resource and a learning tool. My husband did not actually come out and say "I am an asexual", in fact, I doubt that he knows the term even exists. But from what I have had to drag out of him during and after fights, everything he tells me about how he feels, his attitudes about sex, his past relationships with other women, they all point to asexuality. For a long time I thought he was a closeted gay man, but he has more signs of asexuality that anything else. We met later in life and moved very quickly into a serious relationship. Early on, I did sit down with him and I poured out my heart about my attitudes toward love, sex, relationships. I had been married twice before so it was crucial for me to go into a new relationship with everything laid out on the table. I told him sex was important to me, that I thought it was one of the most important bonds that a couple could share, and that once the sex died, I thought much of the other facets of the relationship died too. (Now, dont get me wrong, if it is a medical issue or an accident that renders someone unable to have sex, that is different). But my husband works out 90 minutes a day and is in good physical shape. The sex died about 6 months into the relationship. I saw the red flags, I married him anyway, so I am not blameless. But where I am angry (resentful) is that he should have said, "Hey, sex isn't important to me at all, its just a biological function. I know sex is important to you, almost spiritual in way, so you need to decide if I am the right man for you". But he hid this from me. I had discovered other lies, too, so it boils down to the fact he has been dishonest about many things. I a learning how to live without sex in my marriage. We are like friends now. Its peaceful but not very stimulating. I have lots of things to keep me distracted. I just dont understand why an asexual man like him would even want someone like me, who puts such a high value on sex in a relationship. Sorry for the long post. On a closing note, you are so right about Western culture and how saturated media is with sex. I am a highly sexual person, but even I am annoyed with all the sex on TV, the ads for Viagra, etc and the way sex is portrayed in the media. I am old-school, I think sex should be reserve for couples in a sincere relationship, not to be used for recreation. So yes, its difficult for many (myself included) to constantly be bombarded by all the sex in our culture. IMO, Fifty Shades of Gray was like a cancer. But thats a whole other topic. lol

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The big difficulty is finding out, whether the lack of sexual desire and/or the lack of sexual intimacy and/or the lack of "giving/getting fantastic orgasms together" is so corrosive to the relationship, that love is in danger of turning into friendship. 

 

Opening the relationship sounds a bit like putting the relationship in the friendzone. (To me, anyway!) ...and then I will be having sex with someone, that I like/lust for and will try to keep them in a friendzone as well! 

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27 minutes ago, roma62 said:

I just dont understand why an asexual man like him would even want someone like me, who puts such a high value on sex in a relationship.

 

I personally don't understand this either.

 

How do you resolve, in your own mind, wanting to stay married to a man who you state has been dishonest about many things?

 

Best,

Lucinda

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Appalachian Sprite
3 hours ago, roma62 said:

Early on, I did sit down with him and I poured out my heart about my attitudes toward love, sex, relationships. I had been married twice before so it was crucial for me to go into a new relationship with everything laid out on the table. I told him sex was important to me, that I thought it was one of the most important bonds that a couple could share, and that once the sex died, I thought much of the other facets of the relationship died too. (Now, dont get me wrong, if it is a medical issue or an accident that renders someone unable to have sex, that is different). But my husband works out 90 minutes a day and is in good physical shape. The sex died about 6 months into the relationship. I saw the red flags, I married him anyway, so I am not blameless. But where I am angry (resentful) is that he should have said, "Hey, sex isn't important to me at all, its just a biological function. I know sex is important to you, almost spiritual in way, so you need to decide if I am the right man for you".

4
 

Your approach of laying it all on the table at the start was definitely good--you were right to express what you know about yourself to be true. And sorry for misunderstanding earlier, I thought he was aware of asexuality as a concept. I'll leave the other deceptions alone for right now since I can't speak to why he wasn't truthful in those areas. I also can't say definitively why he didn't express his stance on sex in relationships. I could speculate based on my own experience, of wanting to believe I could have been as sexually-driven as my ex, telling myself over and over again near the end that it would be possible if only I loved him "more" (hugely detrimental since that devalued the feelings I had for him)...as a chronic people pleaser being unable to understand why I couldn't see why it was so important. After the separation, I finally started understanding. These days, I equate my gray-a-ness to colorblindness...those flashes of sexual color that I would "see" were things my husband "saw" constantly. As a scientist of spiritual persuasion, I've often encountered belief in the face of things unseen--maybe your husband did not mention his lack of sexual attraction because he intellectually understood your needs and thought sexuality was something within his grasp, even if he couldn't "see" it? If that were so, the issue could be that while you want to share those vibrant colors with him, he's never(?) perceived a world where those things stick out, so his attention is rarely ever drawn to it.

 

I'm probably skewing this scenario in unrealistic ways, although that is not my intention. The fact you've discovered other deceptions is worrying, and I would proceed with caution on all fronts where those are concerned. As for approaching his behavior as it relates to asexuality, maybe introduce him to what you've learned about the subject? He may feel relieved that there is something that matches how he's been acting. It could provide a starting point for continued communication. If you continue your relationship, maybe there are other avenues of sexuality you can explore and talk about sharing. Below are two links to Dr. Lindsey Doe's Sexplanations videos that've been passed around on some AVEN threads before. They may be very applicable here.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tDTx2eWGPSU&t=1s

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xoYxd3E3UXU

 

4 hours ago, roma62 said:

I just dont understand why an asexual man like him would even want someone like me, who puts such a high value on sex in a relationship.

1

I can also sympathize with this question--it's frustrating to feel that he's hoodwinked you when you were up front and blunt about your expectations. His other deceptions certainly tinge the counter I'm about to make to this, but if the scenario were that his asexuality was the sole lie (deliberate or unconscious omission), I would be tempted to put this into a  different perspective. I'd want to ask you, why wouldn't he want someone like you? Again, this may be skewing things out of proportion--but there are many reasons why people fall in love. There are some aspects a partner chooses to overlook in the other because while a character trait might not be desirable to them, the trait does not define the person. The partner loves the unique individual for their strengths and flaws. Probably very romantic and naive of me to say, but figured I'd throw it out there. Regardless of how you decide, my original hope still stands: find your happiness. 

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I just dont understand why an asexual man like him would even want someone like me, who puts such a high value on sex in a relationship.

For the same reason you want someone despite them putting no value on sex in a relationship?

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7 hours ago, MrDane said:

The big difficulty is finding out, whether the lack of sexual desire and/or the lack of sexual intimacy and/or the lack of "giving/getting fantastic orgasms together" is so corrosive to the relationship, that love is in danger of turning into friendship. 

 

Opening the relationship sounds a bit like putting the relationship in the friendzone. (To me, anyway!) ...and then I will be having sex with someone, that I like/lust for and will try to keep them in a friendzone as well! 

going outside the marriage is in no way an option for me. I am just trying to focus on other things, and I do hope that in the future, I am able to once again enjoy a health sexual relationship with someone who means the world to me and vice versa. (This would only happen if I was to be widowed while I am still young enough to have sex). For now, I am staying married and I'm in it for the long haul. Am I disappointed? Yes. So I feel like I was lied to yes? Are there worse things that can be happening to me right now? Yes. But at the end of the day, I still need others to talk to about this issue, and that's why I love this group. Thank you all :)

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2 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

For the same reason you want someone despite them putting no value on sex in a relationship?

perhaps that is true, yes, and I believe that he was getting older, his mother was dying, his dad had also passed away, he was afraid of living the rest of his life alone. We he saw that we were compatible in other areas maybe he thought he could "Learn" to like sex. Just a thought.

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2 hours ago, Appalachian Sprite said:

Your approach of laying it all on the table at the start was definitely good--you were right to express what you know about yourself to be true. And sorry for misunderstanding earlier, I thought he was aware of asexuality as a concept. I'll leave the other deceptions alone for right now since I can't speak to why he wasn't truthful in those areas. I also can't say definitively why he didn't express his stance on sex in relationships. I could speculate based on my own experience, of wanting to believe I could have been as sexually-driven as my ex, telling myself over and over again near the end that it would be possible if only I loved him "more" (hugely detrimental since that devalued the feelings I had for him)...as a chronic people pleaser being unable to understand why I couldn't see why it was so important. After the separation, I finally started understanding. These days, I equate my gray-a-ness to colorblindness...those flashes of sexual color that I would "see" were things my husband "saw" constantly. As a scientist of spiritual persuasion, I've often encountered belief in the face of things unseen--maybe your husband did not mention his lack of sexual attraction because he intellectually understood your needs and thought sexuality was something within his grasp, even if he couldn't "see" it? If that were so, the issue could be that while you want to share those vibrant colors with him, he's never(?) perceived a world where those things stick out, so his attention is rarely ever drawn to it.

 

I'm probably skewing this scenario in unrealistic ways, although that is not my intention. The fact you've discovered other deceptions is worrying, and I would proceed with caution on all fronts where those are concerned. As for approaching his behavior as it relates to asexuality, maybe introduce him to what you've learned about the subject? He may feel relieved that there is something that matches how he's been acting. It could provide a starting point for continued communication. If you continue your relationship, maybe there are other avenues of sexuality you can explore and talk about sharing. Below are two links to Dr. Lindsey Doe's Sexplanations videos that've been passed around on some AVEN threads before. They may be very applicable here.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tDTx2eWGPSU&t=1s

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xoYxd3E3UXU

 

I can also sympathize with this question--it's frustrating to feel that he's hoodwinked you when you were up front and blunt about your expectations. His other deceptions certainly tinge the counter I'm about to make to this, but if the scenario were that his asexuality was the sole lie (deliberate or unconscious omission), I would be tempted to put this into a  different perspective. I'd want to ask you, why wouldn't he want someone like you? Again, this may be skewing things out of proportion--but there are many reasons why people fall in love. There are some aspects a partner chooses to overlook in the other because while a character trait might not be desirable to them, the trait does not define the person. The partner loves the unique individual for their strengths and flaws. Probably very romantic and naive of me to say, but figured I'd throw it out there. Regardless of how you decide, my original hope still stands: find your happiness. 

thank you so much for your thoughtful reply, and for the links as well. You broughtt up some very true and valid points and I agree. I want to add that when he met me and we fell in love, he said I was the first woman he ever let get close to him. He never loved anyone. Even in his prior marriages, he married thinking they could "fix" him (his drug and alcohol problems that he battled for years, etc). SO perhaps he thought when he fell in love with me, that I could "fix" his lack of libido. I think he figured that in the beginning, the first few months of our relationship, he would tolerate the sex and eventually I would tire of it. I still recall the night I got home from work, he announced to me that our frequency (of intercourse) had to decrease. He just stated it as one might say, "we have to watch how much we spend on take-out pizza because there's no room for it in the budget". His comment made no sense to me. He has woman-like personality traits, and I also think maybe he might be wishing he was born a woman. He does value childish affection like holding hands, hugs and little kisses, but as I have said before in this forum, it reminds me of what it was like to have a boyfriend in junior high school. I[ve gotten off track again, sorry.....I have a tendency to do that. Thanks again for the wonderful comments. It helps to talk to ppl

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Roma 

 

He wouldn't be the first asexual who genuinely wanted to try to learn to like it, but couldn't. Just like if you try to learn to live with no sex, and fail, you won't be the first sexual to do that. 

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15 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

Roma 

 

He wouldn't be the first asexual who genuinely wanted to try to learn to like it, but couldn't. Just like if you try to learn to live with no sex, and fail, you won't be the first sexual to do that. 

thank you for commenting. Thats very true.

 

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23 hours ago, Lucinda said:

 

I personally don't understand this either.

 

How do you resolve, in your own mind, wanting to stay married to a man who you state has been dishonest about many things?

 

Best,

Lucinda

This is a valid question. If I were to answer it honestly I would have to say, fear of the unknown, and fear, in general. Starting over again at 55 just doesnt appeal to me.

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On 2017-02-07 at 5:50 AM, roma62 said:

 I told him sex was important to me, that I thought it was one of the most important bonds that a couple could share, and that once the sex died, I thought much of the other facets of the relationship died too. (Now, dont get me wrong, if it is a medical issue or an accident that renders someone unable to have sex, that is different). But my husband works out 90 minutes a day and is in good physical shape. The sex died about 6 months into the relationship. I saw the red flags, I married him anyway, so I am not blameless. But where I am angry (resentful) is that he should have said, "Hey, sex isn't important to me at all, its just a biological function. I know sex is important to you, almost spiritual in way, so you need to decide if I am the right man for you". But he hid this from me. I had discovered other lies, too, so it boils down to the fact he has been dishonest about many things. I a learning how to live without sex in my marriage. We are like friends now. Its peaceful but not very stimulating. I have lots of things to keep me distracted. I just dont understand why an asexual man like him would even want someone like me, who puts such a high value on sex in a relationship.

I feel like it was me who wrote this. I wish I had the answers, but I'm in the same boat as you. He is like my best "friend" but I didn't need to marry him to be friends...now I have a "friend" that I have to share a bed with, cook for, clean up after... We could be all this with the same love in separate houses, all while un-married. But we are married. And, I know I'm not helping or giving you hope, Roma62, but I have a sneaking suspicion that you feel what I'm saying....

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10 hours ago, Mrs. Miss said:

I feel like it was me who wrote this. I wish I had the answers, but I'm in the same boat as you. He is like my best "friend" but I didn't need to marry him to be friends...now I have a "friend" that I have to share a bed with, cook for, clean up after... We could be all this with the same love in separate houses, all while un-married. But we are married. And, I know I'm not helping or giving you hope, Roma62, but I have a sneaking suspicion that you feel what I'm saying....

oh my goodness, yes, our situations are identical it seems!  Its not that I dont love him, I do, just as I love other people in my life who I care about. But to me, thats why people GET married, for the sex, and not just four-times a year sex, but regular. I understand totally if sickness renders someone unable to perform, but with him, it's just not a part of his chemical makeup. I just feel he should have leveled with me, instead, he tried to put on a front for the first few months we were together. And now that I am unhappy and we have argued extensively about it, he puts the blame on me, tries to tell me I am the one who is wrong, abnormal, over-sexed, shallow, etc. Did you see signs beforehand? I did. I just didnt pay much attention to them, so I am not blameless. We have discussed divorce but decided to remain together. This has been a real character test for me. What I hate is feeling guilty about wanting a normal part of marriage! Thanks for sharing, we should talk again

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