Is it possible to become asexual

[James121]

Is it possible to be a sexual who fancies people, fancies sex, has sex and enjoys it, has sexual thoughts about people but over time loses all or most of this and eventually fits somewhere in the asexual spectrum?

[happynina]

I don't know, but I do know that since I have discovered that my boyfriend is asexual and have made peace with it, I have lost a lot of my sexual feelings/desire in general.

[MrDane]

I think, it is possible to turn into a "different sexuality." Or at least how it is perceived.

 

Here are a few normal occasions:

-when a woman is pregnant, she will often feel a shift in her sexuality. 

-menopause

-due to stress, lack of sleep or other discomfort. (Please, dont touch me, when im sick)

-circumstances change, like a new partner.

-after a terrible sexual experience, which then triggers anxiety or panic attacks

-if there is a change in what you get out of it, then there migth also be a change in how much you want it.

 

...and some people find out, in retrospect, that they were in fact different, than they thought at first! 

[James121]

2 minutes ago, MrDane said:

I think, it is possible to turn into a "different sexuality." Or at least how it is perceived.

 

Here are a few normal occasions:

-when a woman is pregnant, she will often feel a shift in her sexuality. 

-menopause

-due to stress, lack of sleep or other discomfort. (Please, dont touch me, when im sick)

-circumstances change, like a new partner.

-after a terrible sexual experience, which then triggers anxiety or panic attacks

-if there is a change in what you get out of it, then there migth also be a change in how much you want it.

 

...and some people find out, in retrospect, that they were in fact different, than they thought at first! 

Very good answer. most of the above list is not a change of sexuality though (I think). That looks more to me that a loss of libido has occurred due to an physically or mentally traumatic incident, a physical condition such as pregnancy or an age induced change (I think)

[NerotheReaper]

I don't think you can 'become asexual' I think if someone in the first place enjoys sex, or is attracted to someone in a sexual manner they aren't asexual. Their drive might decrease over time, maybe the fire between the couple has gone out in the bedroom. Maybe they need to try something new, and see if they can get that passion back. 

[Moophie]

Sexuality is fluidity. People change a lot over their lives. I think to expect us to never change how we view/feel about sex and who/what we're attracted is the more unrealistic thing.

[MoraDollie]

You can't consciously wake up one day and say "I'm going to be (sexual orientation here)". The brain doesn't work like that. Brain chemistry with how it figures what is "attractive" is figured out within the first few moments of seeing someone.

[MrDane]

My point is, that if you do not experience innate sexual desire then you are practically asexual. And you may not experience it, due to other things. If 'the other things' are of a more permanent state, then it will be ok to call yourself asexual. 

 

Huge libido + severe, painful toothache = "sex? Doesnt really want it and doesnt really exist in my head rigth now!"

[James121]

6 minutes ago, Moophie said:

Sexuality is fluidity. People change a lot over their lives. I think to expect us to never change how we view/feel about sex and who/what we're attracted is the more unrealistic thing.

I get that (I really do). However in terms of a sexual orientation, you would never for example change from gay to straight as far as I am aware based on age or anything similar. Or change from straight to gay for that matter. I'm trying to fathom where my wife fits in this.

[funfetti]

An asexual person does not feel sexual attraction to people. I'm not entirely sure how you can go most of your life sexually attracted to people, and then suddenly feel zero sexual attraction to people as a whole. I am more liberal, though, when it comes to genders (feeling sexually attracted to someone of the same gender, when most of your life you were attracted to those of the opposite, etc).

 

I just can't fathom how you can go from being sexually attracted to people to asexual. Note: this is different from aces who have had sex, because they were intoxicated, feel pressured, and whatnot. Deep down inside they were not sexually attracted to that person.

 

Not that it's impossible, but my head has a really hard time wrapping my head around that.

[Anthracite_Impreza]

There is a member here (will not name them in case they don't want to be) who changed from sexual to asexual, so it can happen. It's very rare though, and certainly not a conscious decision.

[funfetti]

Also, I just saw you mentioned in a reply this is about your wife? You don't have to answer these questions, but if your wife is not feeling sexually attracted to you personally, it may not be asexuality.

 

If she's suddenly not feeling sexually attracted to people as a whole, she may just be a closeted asexual.  If she's not really in the mood, it may be a libido/chemistry thing.

 

Also, if this these questions are really about your wife and where she "fits" only she can know/really inquire/introspect about this...you can't really inquire for other people. You can help if you want, but speaking from experience, it depends when the person is ready. Notice I kept saying she "may" be.  We don't know.

 

I mean, you can inquire if you're curious, but you'll always hit a threshold where you can't go any further. Your wife is an independent person with her own needs, wants, brain wiring/chemistry. Not trying to be rude. Just my four cents. 

[Moophie]

53 minutes ago, James121 said:

I get that (I really do). However in terms of a sexual orientation, you would never for example change from gay to straight as far as I am aware based on age or anything similar. Or change from straight to gay for that matter. I'm trying to fathom where my wife fits in this.

But why not?

 

Would it make more sense to say 'they were this way all along, they just took a while to realize it'? If that's the case then there's still change involved. If you start off seeing yourself as straight but later realize you're gay that's because you've changed, you've learned things about yourself and you change (or choose not to change) as a result. 

 

Another member recently made a post about their fantasies. And that at one point, where their fantasies had all been heterosexual and functioned just fine, they suddenly had trouble fantasing about the opposite sex. And was only able to get back 'into it' after they created another character of the same sex to engage with.

 

It's important to note that in-your-head fantasy and your real-world desires are two separate things. But if a fantasy can change so drastically I'd bet money a person's actual sexuality can too.

[Nebulous]

1 hour ago, MrDane said:

I think, it is possible to turn into a "different sexuality." Or at least how it is perceived.

 

Here are a few normal occasions:

-when a woman is pregnant, she will often feel a shift in her sexuality. 

-menopause

-due to stress, lack of sleep or other discomfort. (Please, dont touch me, when im sick)

-circumstances change, like a new partner.

-after a terrible sexual experience, which then triggers anxiety or panic attacks

-if there is a change in what you get out of it, then there migth also be a change in how much you want it.

 

...and some people find out, in retrospect, that they were in fact different, than they thought at first! 

These things cause a loss of libido and not a change in sexual orientation. I also feel like it's a bit dangerous to spread this information, as it implies some people aren't asexual naturally, as sexual orientations are, and it further encourages invalidating questions like "are you sure you didn't just have a traumatic experience at some point?".

[funfetti]

4 minutes ago, Nebulous said:

These things cause a loss of libido and not a change in sexual orientation. I also feel like it's a bit dangerous to spread this information, as it implies some people aren't asexual naturally, as sexual orientations are, and it further encourages invalidating questions like "are you sure you didn't just have a traumatic experience at some point?".

Exactly why I'm not open about it to people like my parents. I love my parents, but the last thing I need for them is to get all paranoid thinking that someone in the family/friend made me the the way I am due to molestation, etc. :s

[MrDane]

28 minutes ago, Nebulous said:

These things cause a loss of libido and not a change in sexual orientation. I also feel like it's a bit dangerous to spread this information, as it implies some people aren't asexual naturally, as sexual orientations are, and it further encourages invalidating questions like "are you sure you didn't just have a traumatic experience at some point?".

Yeah, you are probably rigth! ...but it is quite hard to see, from the outside, what makes someone act/respond as they do. 

 

My wife, through 15+ years, started of her relationship, with me, thinking she was sexual, but just shy/timid/awkward. Blamed some of her issues on previous dimwitted coldhearted boyfriend and some on having a childhood with an alcoholic father. Thereby issues regarding trust/intimacy. I thought, apart from usual selfblame, that some could be due to unspoken things from her childhood. I think it would have been a perfectly valid, reasonable question:"honey, we have such a good partnership and still you can be a bit uncomfortable with me getting closer to you and sometimes it is like you disconnect during sex. Did you experience something bad once, which you want to tell about?" (The number of aces are still 1% and I fear that the sexually abused are a higher number)

Her answer would have been: "no, I dont think so!" 

Then I would return to selfblame and the possibility of her being unknowingly lesbian.

Forward 10 years: (present)

her: "I guess, I never had the desire for sex. I just thougth it was expected of me. It is ok with sex. Would be ok to never happen again. Doesnt give me that much, but can be nice if it doesnt happen to often and is not expected from me"

me: "so this is status? Removing all obstacles will not change anything? Changing the world will not change how you feel?"

her: "guess not, but who knows. I didnt always know, but it makes perfectly sense now, that I am asexual"

 

It is quite ok to expect things to be normal, since they normally are, and doing that is a sound form of prejudice, which makes us able to make qualified guesses about the surrounding world. This view has to be rather fluid and we need to be able to shift our viewpoint as we learn more solid information. I do still not expect to meet a lot of asexuals, but I now know that I will meet some, and they are just as much worth as any other people. 

[James121]

2 hours ago, Moophie said:

But why not?

 

Would it make more sense to say 'they were this way all along, they just took a while to realize it'? If that's the case then there's still change involved. If you start off seeing yourself as straight but later realize you're gay that's because you've changed, you've learned things about yourself and you change (or choose not to change) as a result. 

 

Another member recently made a post about their fantasies. And that at one point, where their fantasies had all been heterosexual and functioned just fine, they suddenly had trouble fantasing about the opposite sex. And was only able to get back 'into it' after they created another character of the same sex to engage with.

 

It's important to note that in-your-head fantasy and your real-world desires are two separate things. But if a fantasy can change so drastically I'd bet money a person's actual sexuality can too.

These answers are why I posed the question so thank you. However, If you realise that you were this way all along and then change, no real change has occurred. You simply identified incorrectly in the first instance. Perhaps I shouldn't have asked this one as it's hugely complex.

[Moophie]

34 minutes ago, James121 said:

These answers are why I posed the question so thank you. However, If you realise that you were this way all along and then change, no real change has occurred. You simply identified incorrectly in the first instance. Perhaps I shouldn't have asked this one as it's hugely complex.

No problemo! It's fun to discuss things like this.

 

James, you need to change in order to understand something about yourself that you never knew before. It may not affect everyone the same way, but for some it can be a life-altering event that leaves you a slightly different person than you were before.

 

Yup! Yup, you're right about it being complex! ;p