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Demi/Grays Identifying with Asexuals


Maristine

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Seeing as I have only felt sexual attraction once and appear to be incapable of primary sexual attraction, I definitely identify more with asexuals than with "allo" people. They don't get me. I don't get them. Even though I'm not fully asexual, I still feel included and welcome in the ace community.

 

But at the same time, sometimes I feel like I'm sort of... intruding into asexuality. Since I one day plan on having romantic and sexual relationships, and can sort of pass as "normal," I feel like I shouldn't include myself in the same group as asexuals. Or I feel like I should be careful how much I identify as ace or else people might think that asexuality is just a phase or something that can be cured.

 

I know that my demisexuality is valid and belongs in the ace community, but sometimes I do feel like that, and was wondering if any other people feel the same way. Whether you're demi, gray, cupio, sex-positive, etc., do you ever feel like you don't fully belong in the ace community?

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I feel somewhat similar to your situation. I'm more of demi/gray girl and I identify mostly with aces because I have no urge or inclination to have frequent sex like the regular allos. 

 

Looking back, it's like I've always been on the brink of this or that on many things. But then, that's life! It's complicated to justify in a couple of words/phrases what we are as to what definitions are available. But that doesn't mean we cannot be justified. We are what we are and knowing that, it's wise to associate ourselves with whatever we want to and not feel guilty.

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Well, I have been thinking about his for the past week or so as well.

 

I don't seem to experience any primary sexual attraction either, but at the same time I think I want to have a "normal", for lack of a better word, relationship with another person that includes sex,

but then again I'm still a relationship virgin, as I like to call it, and don't know much of the stuff...

 

Still.

I feel like I have more in common with aces than allos, so I will keep this community close to my heart. :cake:

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I definitely identify more as asexual than allo. I can't imagine myself in a relationship and I'm back and forth on whether I'd even want one at some point; and even if I were looking for one, I definitely can't date like allo people do. The way I approach sexuality and romance is very different. So it doesn't make sense for me to group myself with them either, even if I'm not quite ace.

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New to the community, but all of the ace people I've met so far have been really inclusive and have gone out of their way to say that asexuality is a big tent and I seem to have internalized that message. I was, however, quite hesitant to start identifying as something like gray asexual because I didn't think I was asexual "enough" for a long time. This was because I do, very occasionally, experience sexual attraction, and I'm not generally repulsed by sex, even though I couldn't identify at all with my allosexual friends' experiences of a world that was permeated with an urgent sense of sexual attraction/desire. I think my hesitance had a lot more to do with my own preconceptions, a result of most of my exposure to asexuality being through mainstream media which can present an austere, even caricatured, picture of asexuality. Actually reading about others' first-hand experiences as gray/demi/asexuals has cured me of my hesitancy: everyone is complicated, like Mulan said a couple of posts above.

 

Since getting over my concern about not being asexual enough, I feel like there's a lot more space to take seriously the peculiarities of my own experiences and feelings without the nagging question, "what's wrong with me?" within the framework of the ace community. I think this also includes the space to consider pursuing more conventional relationship arrangements (but as an option amongst many, not an obligation, which is a huge relief for me).

 

I don't know whether I'd feel like I'd contributed to erasing asexuality as a legitimate orientation by ending up in a conventional relationship, but I think then you just have to dig in your heels (provided you can do so safely) and insist: "my experiences are real and valid and so are those of other people who may live out their asexuality differently," even if it does become tiresome to repeat. I think that's really the best you can do: I don't think it helps either you or other people to have your identity turn into a straitjacket. And taking up space in a complicated or messy or confusing way is valuable to people who themselves fit into spaces messily.

 

This turned into a bit of a rant - I'm trying to work out my own position, still. Thanks for reading.

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Appalachian Sprite

I'm also new to the community and have felt a great sense of relief after being welcomed--but I've also hesitated in fully identifying, especially when reading through posts where some people adhere to a stricter definition of asexuality. My experiences in relationships all point to me falling in the gray-a/demi category, both for sexual and romantic orientation, with a healthy dose of indifference towards sex itself. But since the number of people I've encountered to whom I feel such attractions only totals three, my affinity with the ace-side of the spectrum is much stronger than the allo-side.

 

Being in a mixed relationship while struggling with my own orientation and thinking there was permanently something "wrong" after more and more sexual encounters ended in frustration (I'd been with a highly sexual man whose libido far outstripped mine) makes me feel like my gray-a/demi-ness didn't act as an erasure of asexuality. Quite the opposite--I think it highlighted the fact that even those on the ace spectrum can find it difficult meshing with the predominantly allosexual culture. Personally, I've not been bullied, teased, excluded, or discriminated against because of my orientations--if anything, the relationship's appearance on the outside may have protected me given most people's assumptions since I'd never openly proclaimed my identity. Those orientations ultimately contributed to the ending of said relationship, though, and without the asexual community's larger umbrella, I don't know if I would have found the clarity or support I needed to come to grips with everything. 

 

In the end, I love being in the gray area, because it adds a little mystery to my life that I enjoy. For those out there who know the fall under the "black and white" ends of the ace-to-allo spectrum, it's awesome that they understand themselves that well. For me, I take comfort in the uncertainty because while it may mean I will struggle more to find the kind of relationship I want, I know that there's flexibility and room for change in that aspect of my identity. And as one who has constantly placed herself in predetermined boxes (however uncomfortable the fit)...that's a glorious thing. 

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I was really surprised by how welcoming everyone on this site was. There was no "either you're one of us or your not". For me who's not really sure where she lies on the sexuality or romantic spectrum that was a wonderful feeling of inclusiveness. I really appreciate the support and the understanding of people on here. 

 

However I don't think I could do something like go to a Pride event as an Asexual because like you said I'd feel like I was intruding. I've got this fear that my "credentials" would be examined and people would go "nope. Not LGBT+ enough to be here."

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Some might say we're on the fence, overlooking the two yards. I say, rather, there is no fence, and we're just somewhere with everyone else. It's a unique perspective to be demisexual, and it's not something I'd ever really want to change. I'm happy that others can accept me for what I am. I do have to agree with some of you though, that I feel a little distant from the LGBT+ and Asexual communities. I'm not unwelcome, but I just don't feel like I'm totally part of the whole.

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Also, I've heard about people saying "If the average sexual person were asked if they were demisexual, they'd probably say yes," which I find very untrue. We're definitely different, and it's not just that we're choosing to call ourselves something else for the sake of being "special snowflakes." It bothers me a little when people think they can refute our identities because they think they know us better than we know ourselves.

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I too have always felt welcome in asexual communities. To be honest, ace communities have been the only LGBT+ communities that haven't questioned me or told me I'm not valid.

 

I've had lots of crushes. Androgynous, masculine, feminine people, all kinds. But I've only been in a relationship once. Because my partner happened to be a male and I was a female (both of us cis) other communities treated me as a heterosexual and I knew it was wrong. I felt like I was left out because I didn't experience sexual attraction like sexually active heteros did (not to even mention romantic feelings towards members of my own gender) but when I found the ace community, I felt like I was accepted. There were so many different kind of aces, people like me and people who were a bit different but still understood. I feel like ace community is more accepting in general and I love it.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I think everyone on the ace spectrum has wondered if they belong, even if they're completely asexual.

 

Personally, I'm currently coming at it from the other direction. After identifying as asexual for almost 10 years, I found a very limited, situational, not really functional sexuality in myself. So I'm wondering if I'm more grey or just a different flavor of ace than I thought.

 

I went to Pride last year, and I was completely welcome. Then again, so were straight allies - the local Pride group aren't really into gatekeeping. 

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  • 1 month later...

I’m not grace or Demi, but I get why they would identify more with asexuals than allosexuals.

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NothingHereToSee

While, for the most part, I haven't come up against too much resistance around here on AVEN; there are definitely factions of asexuals who believe that grays, demis, etc shouldn't identify as asexual because apparently we dilute the definition of their "pure" asexuality. Which is, of course, ridiculous nonsense. (Also a bit disturbing how it alludes to white supremacy). Attempting to state that all of those pure asexuals are completely alike, simply because they don't want to confuse other people; is just like claiming that all allosexual women have the same sexual desires... because it's easier for the men not to see them as individuals. There are always going to be differences, even if you try to whittle it down the smallest core of purists. Better to just educate people about the asexual spectrum/umbrella so they understand that everyone is a little different, than to try and enforce unenforceable labels.

 

Whew, sorry. Went a little ranty there. :)

 

For myself, I'm middle-aged and just in the last couple of years started identifying as gray. I've come to this label mostly because, while 99% I identify with asexuality; I could, in theory, possibly, imagine being attracted to someone in the distant future? Possibly? I'm... not entirely sure to be honest. I'm not sure if I can identify if I've experienced sexual attraction in the past either. The more I sit with that uncertainty, though, the more I'm okay with it. But I can guarantee that other allosexuals don't at all relate to my general "not interested in dating or having sex" attitude that I've had most of my life. Like most of us, I thought that maybe there was just something wrong with me. And heck, I'm pretty sure there is, but my "asexuality" isn't it.

 

 

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nanogretchen4

Asexuals have no desire to have sex with another person ever. Demisexuals like myself sometimes desire sex with another person. Logically, it's pretty obvious to me that I am not asexual. I can see how demisexuals might empathize with asexuals and have some things in common with them. I can see why demisexuals might feel more comfortable socializing with asexuals than with some of their sexual acquaintances. It makes sense for demisexuals to be allies to asexuals and maybe participate in a coalition with asexuals. But I do not think demisexuals should emulate Rachel Dolezal and actually claim to belong to a minority group they don't belong to.

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14 hours ago, nanogretchen4 said:

Demisexuals like myself sometimes desire sex with another person. Logically, it's pretty obvious to me that I am not asexual. I can see how demisexuals might empathize with asexuals and have some things in common with them. I can see why demisexuals might feel more comfortable socializing with asexuals than with some of their sexual acquaintances. It makes sense for demisexuals to be allies to asexuals and maybe participate in a coalition with asexuals. 

I agree with this. As demisexual person I struggle with many problems which asexuals had but I don't completly identify with asexuals. I know for sure that I'm different from other ace's but community never let me feel that I don't belong to it. 

On 1.02.2017 at 4:00 AM, RottenApples said:

I felt like I was left out because I didn't experience sexual attraction like sexually active heteros did (not to even mention romantic feelings towards members of my own gender) but when I found the ace community, I felt like I was accepted. There were so many different kind of aces, people like me and people who were a bit different but still understood. I feel like ace community is more accepting in general and I love it.

At the beginning I felt this way too and I was scared that I didn't fit in asexual community and I didn't find my place here but when I met other ace's in this forum I change my mind.

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I'm gray-ace, and I definitely feel part of the ace community. I'm far more ace than allo, and the only reason I don't identify (at this point) as completely ace is that once I briefly felt what may have been sexual attraction (and even then, I might have been confusing aesthetic for sexual attraction. I'm not sure). It was for a movie character, not someone I had any sort of emotional bond with at all, so I know I'm not demisexual.

 

One problem I've had is with finding gray-ace pride stuff. I don't really want a big flag, but a necklace or T-shirt or something like that would be nice. I have an ace pride necklace that I love, but if I could have found a gray-ace necklace, I would have bought that instead. Plus, I'm also demiromantic, and I haven't seen anything for demiromantic gray-ace pride. I've seen demiromantic demisexual, gray-aromantic gray-ace, and demiromantic ace stuff, but nothing for my specific combination of romantic and sexual orientation.

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Hi! I'm super new (first post!) but I find this conversation pretty interesting and probably really important.

 

Isn't asexuality complicated and individual? So someone can be in a relationship and have sexual experiences but still be asexual. Someone can also be somewhere between asexual and demisexual. I just feel like saying that demisexuals shouldn't claim to belong to an asexual group is too black and white. They can and do often overlap They might not be the same but they're closely related. (at least in my understanding. Newbie, remember!) I guess, to me, claiming to be demisexual but not asexual is fine if that's what makes you feel most comfortable but to tell people they shouldn't is counterproductive in my mind. 

 

But I guess I can also see how public perception can be scewed when someone in a relationship claims to asexual. It's confusing to outside perspectives. Just not sure that should trump being accepting of individual perceptions of their own sexuality. 

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DemiGoddessofSafety

The vast majority of my friends who study sexuality have said that it's really up to the individual to decide what identity fits best. I would definitely say that I am demisexual, but for a while I had a habit of just saying asexual to friends who asked because I didn't feel like explaining what demisexuality is while at a loud party. It's a habit I've been trying to break out of, especially since I definitely can get sexually attracted to people (so definitely not completely asexual).

 

So yeah, I get the whole not wanting to intrude on an identity that doesn't completely fit.

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Yeah, this topic hits close to home for me, but in a different way. I grew up a super religious town and was fortunate to have two academic/artsy parent let me take my own path...and growing up there made me quite sex positive, but not really in relation to myself I've come to realize...I definitely used alcohol/drugs as a lubricant to 'experiment' enough that I started to realize that things might be a bit more complicated than even I wanted to believe. And so as I started to come to accept the fact that I'm demisexual I then learned that that was really just the tip of this whole other iceberg of asexuality, which kinda freaked me out at first. I've always been sexually aware or whatever but I've also come to realize that I'm wayyyyyyy more inclined to secondary sexual attraction/desire. Anyhoo, I'm still super new to this community, but what limited interactions I've had have been insanely positive and supportive...but I still feel like an interloper at times as I very much identify as demisexual, not asexual (though I also realize I'm still figuring a lot of things out.) And so I guess I've come to see this space as a space where I see a lot of other people figuring things out and having extremely detailed conversations about what their sexual identity means and it's all been pretty inspiring. I know the more time I spend reading on here and starting to comment more that I definitely feel more comfortable with people in this giant gray space than I have pretty much anywhere else.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I feel like it's what works for you and what makes you feel most secure and accepted. The ace community is a great support and will understand things about you that asexuals don't. There are a lot of gray-a and demi people around AVEN that fully get where you are coming from.

 

I think that as long as you are feeling supported and understood, the ace community is doing good things for you.

 

Hope it can continue to do so!

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From my understanding, asexual is an umbrella term for several identities. This is what I've read and come to know. So, yes, as someone who identifies as gray-a/demi, I do also identify as asexual. It is easier to explain asexuality to someone (that I lack sexual attraction and desire for sex), but that definition is also very true for me. 

 

It is nice to know other people have a similar experience. I will admit that for a little while I didn't think I belonged in the ace community and that I was also intruding, but I think its completely valid for me to associate with the asexuality community. Even though I might be in a sexual relationship, I don't ever really feel a drive for sex. When my partner wants it, he initiates, and I go along with it because I really care about him, but I rarely will get much out of it personally. Lately I rarely even kiss my partner; I'm a bit devoid of emotion, which may be for several reasons, but that's how I've felt for a while now.

 

I'm very comfortable now calling myself ace because that's how I feel. My full label is probably gray-asexual (previously I was identifying as demisexual, but it doesn't quite fit I think), and from my understanding it's a sub identity within the asexual community.

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I don't see why anyone needs to feel they're intruding. You don't need to call yourself asexual to be a part of the ace community. Yes demi is a type of sexual, not asexual (they just share a lot in common with aces, some demis do anyway) but sexuals are just as welcome here as anyone else. If I was Demisexual, I'd literally call myself Demisexual (not sexual, or asexual) and hang out here because a lot of people will understand me and share my experiences (I'm not demi but that's besides the point)

 

And regarding the whole 'demi isn't normal sexuality' thing some people are mentioning, that really depends on how you define it and who you're talking to. Sure if you ask a group of young men in college "are you interested in sex even if you're not in love" (just a random example of a question) the vast majority of th will say "heck yes!"..even if they're not sure about that they'll probably still say yes so as not to seem different. However if you ask a room of adults (like 30 plus) if they have any interest in having sex outside of a deep emotional bond, while some will definitely say yes, others will definitely say "no I don't have any interest in having sex with someone unless I've developed a romantic or emotional bond with them". That's actually *really* common for many sexual people (especially many women). The difference between someone like that and an actual demisexual is the demisexual takes a LOT longer (like years) to form a strong enough bond to actually want to have sex. That's a lot rarer, but most demisexuals I've met here explain their demisexuality in the same way regular sexual people experience it, not that whole "years to form a deep enough bond" thing. That's where the idea the whole 'demisexuality is totally normal thing' comes from: people identifying as demi who have just got confused about the definition.

 

But regardless of who you are or how you're defining it, everyone is still welcome in this community, regardless of whether you're asexual or the most hypersexual person on the planet haha. This forum definitely isn't just for "100 asexuals if you don't perfectly fit the box you're out!" :cake:

 

 

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I also don't actually understand the whole "demisexuality is hard to explain to sexuals, it's much easier to say I'm asexual" thing that some people are mentioning in this thread (I've seen it mentioned a lot here over the years). Maybe it depends on the crowd you hang out in, but in all the places that I've been personally, if you say "I'm only interested in sex when I've developed a romantic or emotional bond with someone and that can take a looooong time to form for me" most people would just automatically understand and accept that. If you say "I like to have sex with randoms because sex is awesome", while some people will pat you on the back, others will definitely frown and make judgements about your character due to personal biases about that behaviour. So no matter where you go, there will be more people who judge you negatively for wanting sex with too many people, as opposed to wanting sex with only one select person when you've eventually developed a deep enough bond with them to want that. On top of that, you'll have a MUCH harder time saying "I only want sex once I've developed a deep emotional bond with someone, that's why I'm asexual" practically anywhere you go where adults who have plenty of sexual and relationship experience hang out. Many will come down on you like a tonne of bricks for being confused about definitions etc. So it seems to me much easier to explain demisexuality (which is quite common and easily understood, by adults anyway) than trying to explain that you do want sex sometimes with the right person and that's why you're asexual which will only confuse a lot of people and potentially make them quite upset with you :S 

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The asexual community is just that, a community. It's a place for people to share experiences and support each other. Actually, by posting that you feel a little like the odd one out, it looks like you got a lot of grey and demi responses of people feeling just like you! And here, you have been heard and I hope you feel that your experience is shared and understood.

 

I hope that the AVEN community can make you feel supported in all aspects, even sexual ones :)

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I'm not demi or gray, though I considered that in the past. There are still areas I relate to asexuality, because I don't have much of a libido and don't feel any need or especially strong desire for partnership, romantically or sexually. I don't consider myself part of the asexual community, though.

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Hermit Advocate

Speaking as an asexual, I feel like grey's and demi's help bridge the gap between asexuals and sexuals. Even if your not a full on ace, you still give us support and that means to world to me. 

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It's very well possible that grey or demi people feel like they have more in common with the asexual side of things than the sexual side of things - in which case, awesome, join us for a/sexuality discussions! Also join us because diversity among friends enriches our lives. :cake::)

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On 06/04/2017 at 11:35 AM, Pan. said:

I also don't actually understand the whole "demisexuality is hard to explain to sexuals, it's much easier to say I'm asexual" thing that some people are mentioning in this thread (I've seen it mentioned a lot here over the years).

For me personally, it is very difficult to explain. It's like trying to explain being panromantic. People will say things like "so you're basically bisexual then?" No, no I'm not. I don't define myself using finer details unless I'm among people who understand it already (like the AVEN community, for example). I find it much easier to say I don't experience sexual attraction and that I lack any desire for sex, because it is also very true for me. Especially when it comes to people who want to sleep with me or are asking me out. I find they try harder or don't get it if I was to say I'm demisexual. Yea, I'll still get weird responses like "oh you just haven't been with the right person", "you need someone with better experience and skill", "I'll give you an orgasm", blah blah, but they won't give up as easily if I was to say "yea I like sex sometimes but only with someone I have a deep emotional connection with." Ugh. It's exhausting and I don't need to go through that. However, if it's more just casual conversation then there isn't as much of an issue, but still exhausting. I actually find a lot of comfort calling myself asexual, so I will. I don't classify myself as sexual at all, though yes, I do have sex with my partner, but there are many reasons for that. 

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On 4/12/2017 at 6:29 AM, saati237 said:

For me personally, it is very difficult to explain. It's like trying to explain being panromantic. People will say things like "so you're basically bisexual then?" No, no I'm not. I don't define myself using finer details unless I'm among people who understand it already (like the AVEN community, for example). I find it much easier to say I don't experience sexual attraction and that I lack any desire for sex, because it is also very true for me. Especially when it comes to people who want to sleep with me or are asking me out. I find they try harder or don't get it if I was to say I'm demisexual. Yea, I'll still get weird responses like "oh you just haven't been with the right person", "you need someone with better experience and skill", "I'll give you an orgasm", blah blah, but they won't give up as easily if I was to say "yea I like sex sometimes but only with someone I have a deep emotional connection with." Ugh. It's exhausting and I don't need to go through that. However, if it's more just casual conversation then there isn't as much of an issue, but still exhausting. I actually find a lot of comfort calling myself asexual, so I will. I don't classify myself as sexual at all, though yes, I do have sex with my partner, but there are many reasons for that. 

What I meant was, it's extremely easy to say to almost any mature person "I'm not really interested in having sex unless I have a really deep bond with someone". Most people won't answer "whatever I know you'd bang a big breasted blonde if she offered you sex in a bar".. and if they do answer something like that they clearly don't have much emotional or sexual maturity (and probably not much experience in the real world). Most people with life-experience have met people who have no interest in casual sex with randoms, many people are like that themselves. If you don't go into the whole "label" thing and just say "I'm not interested in having sex with someone unless I have a really deep bond with them" most people would say "oh, I understand that". It's not complicated or even that rare. 

 

You seem to be saying you find it easier to say you don't desire sex ever than to explain you only desire sex with people you have a deep emotional bond with, but if someone is trying to pressure you into sex you say: "I don't want sex with you, deal with it." You shouldn't have to go into an explanation of asexuality to get them to leave you alone, that's technically harassment on their part.

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