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Was it hard to accept your aro identity?


Maristine

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I'm demisexual demiromantic. Once I found out that I was demisexual, I accepted it almost immediately. A little bit after that, I knew that I was probably somewhere on the aromantic spectrum as well, but it took me several months to fully accept it. I think it has to do with the culture I grew up in. I viewed not wanting sex as something that was pure and desirable, but not wanting a romantic partner to love and marry as a sign that I'm an unemotional, uncaring, psychopathic robot or something of the sort.

 

Do any of you feel the same way? If you're on both ace and ark spectrums, did you feel like one was harder to accept than the other, or were they the same?

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I think because society already has embraced oversexualization it is common for people to think that you are uncaring and cold if you don't fit in their picture. That's something i noticed when i first knew sex or romance would never be mandatory for me in a relationship.For me personally it wasn't hard to accept my aromanticism and asexuality, it's something i always knew about myself for years.It was more difficult for me to find like-minded people i could relate to.I sometimes have the idea people think aromanticism and asexuality can be cured by finding the one or experiencing sex/romance one time in your life so i can imagine that it can be difficult for some people to accept their asexuality/aromanticism especially if you don't have much selfconfidence/aren't vocal. I often felt like i  had to defend myself to those who refused to believe i was aromantic/asexual so  that's why i have that feeling. I still feel that way sometimes.I'm heavily sex repulsed and a nonlibidoist  so i sometimes find it difficult to find acceptance amongst others but yeah. I feel you. It's not really easy to find acceptance/accept yourself in a society where oversexualization has become mandatory.

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Anthracite_Impreza

No, I still maintain I'm the correct one and everyone else is weird.

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I actually had a harder time accepting that I'm asexual--because I'm gray-A--I was scared of the asexual label and what I foolishly associated it with.

As a teenager I watched a lot of romantic comedies and I was pretty brainwashed about it and always thought I would one day want to have a common, boring, heterosexual relationship resulting in children. But this was always hypothetical. I did try to "make myself" date people before, but it's like my entire body rejects that, I just can't relax at all and I just want to run from the situation. It got to the point that now I KNOW it's not even a decision I can make. Even seeing couples be affectionate towards each other in public grosses me out. Realizing that I was aromantic freed me from pretending.

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It was hard at first because I was in a relationship when I realized it, but I didn't allow myself to be in denial about it so I accepted it pretty fast I'd say

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When I found out about the term everything finally made sense, which was a pretty good feeling. But I think I will never stop wondering why all this oversexualization is necessary and what people see in it. I am a person who is interested in why people do the things they do and it bothers me a little bit that I will never understand this part.

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Yes. Partly because I'm cupioromantic (essentially romance-favourable aromantic). And I really am not a loner at heart, and don't want to be alone.  

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Not really. I always loved being aromantic and felt like there were lots of things that romantics had to deal with that I didn't, such as having a crush on a guy that's just pretending to like you and then humiliates you in front of the entire class (I've seen this happen to people). However, as a tween/young teen I did want to understand where people were coming from because I couldn't figure out what they meant by "this guy is sooo hot" and I just had to nod and pretend like I thought he was hot too without having a clue what was going on... At some point in my late teens I wanted to be in a relationship because everyone around me was dating and my friends and family told me I was going to end up alone and miserable if I didn't. I tried it but it just wasn't my thing. Being in a relationship felt unnatural, like I wasn't myself. Also, I don't do well with commitment. I was happy to be aromantic but I often felt like I had to hide it from most people because people just failed to accept it.

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I didn't really notice anything other than a sense of relief that I'd found what I was looking for. In fact, the only identity I really had trouble with was being agender.

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Hermit Advocate

I actually had a harder time accepting my asexuality. I always knew I had no interest in romance. It took longer for the idea that I don't desire sex to click in my brain for some reason. 

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On 1/21/2017 at 1:51 AM, Maristine said:

Once I found out that I was demisexual, I accepted it almost immediately. A little bit after that, I knew that I was probably somewhere on the aromantic spectrum as well, but it took me several months to fully accept it. I think it has to do with the culture I grew up in. I viewed not wanting sex as something that was pure and desirable, but not wanting a romantic partner to love and marry as a sign that I'm an unemotional, uncaring, psychopathic robot or something of the sort.

Hmm. I think it may have been easier for me to accept asexuality than aromanticism. I figured out I was asexual way before I figured out I was aromantic, so I am probably just not remembering some of the emotional struggles of accepting that. I discovered I was aromantic rather recently, so I suppose one could say the wounds are still fresh.

 

Personally I interpret it this way: I knew that being asexual wouldn't preclude me from having a fulfilling relationship with someone. It was just an aspect that might complicate a close, monogamous relationship, but I didn't really consider it to be a deal-breaker. Additionally, it didn't really seem to be such a huge deal.

 

Me being aromantic means not only that there are further complications to that issue, but also that A) It's more likely I will "miss out" on something I might end up enjoying should I ever engage in it, and B) I don't really think I would be comfortable in a romantic relationship. The latter is only a problem because I'm still working on my internalized relationship hierarchy, where a committed monogamous, very close relationship is somehow superior to a strictly platonic one. I think it would be great to have a close platonic partner, but since I'm aware that that is not a very common 1st relationship priority, I'm afraid it won't ever happen.

 

It also means that I feel very different from the other people around me, who are obviously romantic and assume everyone else is too, and that makes me feel more alienated than my asexuality (which presents itself mostly in issues concerning sexual activity, and I know that not all straight people like sex either).

 

So! Aromanticism a little bit harder to accept than asexuality? Yes, I think so.

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I was raised it's the belief, that if I didn't find someone to spend the rest of my life with, than my life would be dull and meaningless, and that I would never be happy. I'm still living with my parents, neither of whom I will come out to (I'm only 15)

 

 

...so yeah, being aro is hard to except 

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Galactic Turtle

It was a bit of a slower realization to me mostly because I didn't want to acknowledge it in any sense. I'm still of the belief that everything you do after college is pretty much centered around getting married and having a family so because I don't want that there are a lot of days when I don't see the point of me even being here. The one week long crushes my friends would have in middle school make about as much sense to me as those same friends taking endless selfies showing off engagement rings today. The only difference is now I know that the way I think isn't the norm. I don't think I'll ever be comfortable with it though. Same with asexuality. 

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  • 5 months later...

I honestly just recently figured out I was Aromantic... I was questioning why I simply DGAFF about romance, much less dating for that matter... Long story short, a friend helped me out with figuring I was without a doubt Aromantic. It wasn't hard for me to accept it really... It was more of a sweet relief that I wasn't an  a**hole for simply not liking this statement I most commonly hear from men my age....Ahem.... "You should care about getting laid, man! Get some notches in those britches. Claim some virgin soil for yourself, man!" Really now? Is my existence here on Earth simply to Reproduce, Get Old, Die? (Originally was going to be FI,GO,Die but then I would probably be warned of excessive cursing... In RL I sometimes curse like a sailor... 😥) FYI, it's not. If I want kids, it ain't gonna be with a woman who'll take any man just for the sake of having a "good time"... I ain't sorry for being so blunt but I'm tired of this sex-crazed culture acting like a bunch of horny rabbits... Having to screw constantly just 'cause they can... Makes me sick... *Sip*

 

Plus there are many, many more ways to show you care for a lover than screwing each other, but I doubt I'll ever be interested in a relationship in that way.... I'm more interested in just being in a platonic relationship. If I "squish" on a person, it is usually due to aesthetic reasons, you the person being vocally/written word appealing to me, and/or you're personality just... Appeals to my curiosity if I make any sense... 

 

All my life I had thought me not feeling any romantic feelings and sexual attraction to anyone made me broken, incomplete.... A unfeeling robot... A freak of nature... Abomination.... Inhuman... outcast.  All my life I was an outcast, due to my Aspie and ADHD along with my oddball view of romance and S-E-X. I was in what you would probably consider a QPR if me and my lost BFF were still with each other... We held hands, kiss, even called each other pet names... Didn't go any further 'cause we were both grossed out by S-E-X... And we didn't believe in the fairytale view of romance...

 

I'm starting to think she was Ace too... She hated sex education classes with a passion like me... (In her own words I still remember "Why would a bunch of 7th and 8th graders care about sex when we have freaking MS to deal with on top of hormonal BS for both us boys and girls?") We just didn't have a term for it at that time...

Even though I was 13 and she was 12 at the time, we were way more mature about it than most of our MS back then...  Plus most people were intrigued by the idea that two friends can care for each other that much without having romantic and/or sexual feelings for each other... It probably didn't help I was her FIRST EVER kiss and "BF" if you can call it that... So people thought we were a couple even when we protested we weren't...

 

Teen hormones DID cause us some stress but we were there for each other to talk about it along with emotional support... She was the only person I've ever been with that made me feel I could tell her anything without her judging me... All my dark secrets and sins I've committed... I'm a scarred hero who regrets his past... 😔  Sadly, we had to "break up" due to us moving away... It was not romantic at all I now realize... I just thought me and her were "picky straights" as we were called... I was still called that until I graduated HS... Didn't attend my HS Graduation 'cause I had an issue come up that is a little too personal to dive into... 

 

Since then, I never really connected to someone like that... Guess 'cause I'm trying to rebuild myself to be a better man than I was in the past 4 yrs.... Mostly due to trying to prove to my estranged brother I changed... It's a long story I rather avoid talking about... No use opening old wounds they say...

 

It wasn't until writing this on my trip to Colorado that I realized it wasn't really worth it in the end... Hopefully he reconciles with me before he has kids, 'cause it'll suck to have them not see their Uncle Kieran... 

 

Anyway, I better wrap this up since I'm going to enjoy visiting family... Bye!!!

 

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On 21.1.2017 at 7:51 AM, Maristine said:

I'm demisexual demiromantic. Once I found out that I was demisexual, I accepted it almost immediately. A little bit after that, I knew that I was probably somewhere on the aromantic spectrum as well, but it took me several months to fully accept it. I think it has to do with the culture I grew up in. I viewed not wanting sex as something that was pure and desirable, but not wanting a romantic partner to love and marry as a sign that I'm an unemotional, uncaring, psychopathic robot or something of the sort.

 

Do any of you feel the same way?

I went through the same but I'm fine with it now.

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It was confusing af. I had crushes in the past and I actually like watching love stories and etc because I think it looks adorable, and movies and books gave me the idea that romance should be like this and like that. But sex has always been a primary point of what I viewed as "romance". I had this little idea of romance that was so far from reality so I was really confused when I tried "dating" and it's so exhausting and I immediately hated it and I thought I wasn't normal because I know how to show affection and passion, like kissing or cuddling but for me they're just friendly or passion, but I don't know what the fuck they still want. It confused me so much when they want so much from me like my time and all these things that are just so annoying and I don't know what to do and I kinda had a meltdown and shut people out. And then I started researching my sexuality and my romantic tendencies only then I realised I am an aro and a pansexual at the same time. 

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arekathevampyre

Nope . I thought I have crushes on people last time but it turned out to be squishes/idk what you call it and the feeling of liking someone didn't even last more than a week at the longest , like I will be like "oh I like you ." and hours or even minutes later I forget what I just thought . I realised I am more of an aesthetics person . I may say like you (the way you look) but it just means that and nothing more . Have never been in relationships before so there is nothing much of an issue here and I feel good being aro because it means I don't have to deal with all the breakup/cheating drama and pda . lol . also being ace is very okay to me too since I am pretty repulsed but sometime laughs at buzzfeed articles of sex fails/horror stories (more of entertainment) as long as it is not explict , it's still okay . But looking at it (movies , tv , real life etc) is way different . very repulsed to visual and also written (if super explict - like every movement written out) . You know what I mean . 

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For me, I'm still coming to terms with it and it's been incredibly, horribly difficult. Some days I think I'm so lucky to have my boyfriend, he's kind and easy to talk to and I should just stay with him. Other days the crushing reality of you don't really love him hits me like a truck. It's just so hard for me because he loves me very much, he always wants to kiss and cuddle and I mean so much to him...and to me he's just a friend. I actually would rather hang out with my best friend than him, if I'm being honest. 

 

I'm terrified that if I break up with him I would just never find the will to be in a romantic relationship again, and I would end up alone. What I really want is a QPP, but those are hard to come by or so it seems. 

 

I'm terrified of getting married, saying I love you I'm front of all those people, effectively lying to everyone I've ever known, looking into my boyfriend's eyes and pretending he means the world to me when in reality he doesn't. 

 

So yeah, I've been really struggling with it. I hope it gets easier with time, but sometimes I doubt it....sorry for this terribly depressing post!

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Oh yeah definitely. Im asexual and I had accepted that with the condition that I could still fall in love with someone and that I might love them enough to comprise and that they would love me enough to understand. Still lead a somewhat normal life that wouldn't disappoint my family and still be culturally acceptable. So when I suspected I was also aromantic I denied it for months until I could no longer deny and had a full blown panic attack that left me exhausted for a couple days. I'm glad that I came to terms with it because now I understand myself better. Although at times when I look at my culture and how I'll have to live  and how others will view my lifestyle it stresses me out. 

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I'm still coming to terms with mine, which I only realized when my most recent relationship kind of blew up and became all kinds of awkward and the friendship still hasn't really recovered... probably never will. Live and learn they say. Just wish it wasn't so stressful :(

 

We desire to remain friends but my stiff attempts at romance (if I'm being honest it's because I wished to be, thought I was and just not experienced enough) were one-sided and it was just awkward and then I spent a lot of time on reflection and learning about myself and now the 'aro' tag fits. 

 

My only regret is that the communication broke down before it was identified, so it let things drag on in the worst way. 

 

Just for those that might have a close friend they desire more with, while everyone's experience is unique remember that sometimes things don't return to their original shape, especially if forced to be something more. 

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I was able to accept both nearly instantly once discovered.

 

Ace meant that I upgraded from thinking I was a shy straight guy who didn't care I got any to knowing that I was Ace.

 

Aro is a tad more complicated. Before I knew I was Aro (or that Aro is a thing) I felt that I couldn't be a romantic for various reasons. I thought I was broken due to it. Skip a couple of years and researching my newly found ace identity, I find that Aro is such a thing. That actually gave me comfort on my lack of romantic desire and felt it was me. So I accepted it straight away. It made me feel normal and whole again.

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It was easy for me to accept that I was ace with the exception that I would love to be a parent, though I'm fine with adoption. I think I might be aro though, and I find that hard to accept because I want to have that deep connection with someone where it's okay to snuggle them and we can do fun things together. I know you can find that in some close friends, but I don't really have any good way of telling someone I want to be super close and snuggly and get on a deep emotional level with them and think about the Universe and concepts with them. A romantic relationship would probably be the easiest way of achieving that.

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Not at all. I went from not caring about any relationship things to not caring about them.... I just had a better understanding and a word for it.

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OverwhelmedA

It actually made me feel relieved. I was so sure of my identity, but I didn't know that it could even be an identity. Knowing the terms really helped me and I accepted it so fast!

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Nope, I always knew I was an aro from the beginning. Since I was a kid I never had interest in love/relationships at all, my dad always told me that I must have a girlfriend or if there's someone who I like. While other kids around me had interest in girls I was absolutely careless. I remember when I played with other girls and my dad and his wife always told me "she likes you" or "why don't you have a date with that girl" and that pissed me off.

 

When I was 12 I started to find girls visually appealing but nothing more. I had many girlfriends and dates in my life but I always broke up after only one month because they're excessively demanding and were complaining for not giving them affection. In 2013 I've stopped having dates and started to focus in more important things and all the time I'm always rejecting romantic insinuations.  I couldn't feel more satisfied after discovering my asexuality and aromanticism.

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