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Therapist being dismissive


rubyglo

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It has been a month or two since I started talking to my therapist about how I really feel I might be asexual. For so long we've been trying to get at the root of my fear & lack of interest and have come up with nothing. I remember wondering if I was ace a while back while I was seeing her and I briefly brought it up, but we didn't go into depth. Recently when I went digging around on these forums and the aven site, things really clicked, so I wrote some stuff down and told her about them. During that session she was pretty receptive to it and even encouraged me to bring it up to the guy I'm seeing. But ever since then she has kind of been sweeping it under the rug. She keeps thinking my problems stem from the fact that at one point in my life, I thought I was addicted to pleasuring myself, so I must have just "shut off" my sexuality because I was afraid of losing control. But then another time she implied that because I pleasure myself, I can't be asexual! Obviously she has not done her research in this area. Is it okay for me to ask her to do some reading? I don't like the idea of giving my therapist homework, but I also don't like this subtle denial of what I feel might truly be my identity. It makes me second guess everything and I end up still grasping for what is "wrong" with me. Has anyone else experienced this?

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Info on dealing with therapists

 

Short answer: yes, you could point out your therapist's lack of knowledge, but being prepared with facts and a list of URLs (not blogs unless it's something like Asexual Explorations which also has a list of actual research) and books will probably go over better.

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Luftschlosseule

Yes, I, too, had this kind of conversation. Around here you get five free appointments during which gets decided if you both can work together or not.
It was the first appointment, and she asked me why I have trouble finding a place. I answered that maybe I was to open about my asexuality, and she started ranting about there being no such thing, she would know since she studied it and yadda, yadda... she didn't let me speak up, it ended in me crying and I told here we woulnd't see each other again.

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WishfulThinker

I see my therapist in a couple of weeks and i want to bring this up with her. I'm a little worried about what she will say because i know people on here have had trouble with therapists. :(

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I'll give my answer to you as a Sexual in the hope that it helps. I believe that asexuality exists but you have to see the issues that make it very confusing. On the one hand there are some asexuals who: don't crave sex, don't crave masturbation but find people aesthetically attractive. Next is don't crave sex, likes masturbation, is attracted to no one. Next, repulsed by sex, no interest in attraction but wants a deep emotional connection. Then likes the feeling of occasional sex but not due to attraction or desire, likes masturbation and isn't attracted to anyone. The list is absolutely endless with variables. Yes there are several other names to categorise each one but it is hard to keep up with. When you have so many variables it reduces the credibility of the name asexual as for some under the umbrella could easily be put in the sexual spectrum with just as much evidence to support it. Again I reiterate I am not dismissing asexuality but it is so complicated!

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Mychemicalqpr

I don't have much technical knowledge in the area of therapy, but it seems logical to me that therapist needs to know enough about the kind of person they are dealing with in order to actually effectively help them. 

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Luftschlosseule
41 minutes ago, twilightstarr said:

I don't have much technical knowledge in the area of therapy, but it seems logical to me that therapist needs to know enough about the kind of person they are dealing with in order to actually effectively help them. 

Yes, you're totally right! You should be able to tell this person everything about you.
And you need somebody who is willing to focus on things that trouble you. For example, this person doesn't need to know everything about asexuality, you need a person that accepts that you accept it and see no issue there. Both of you have to work together on the real problems, whatever they may be.

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Estrella Starr

Another one of the million reasons I was so confused is because I had talked to four different therapists and two doctors about my lack of sexual feelings and they were all completely dismissive. At the time I didn't really know about asexuality but I wish I had a more sexuality based discussion with them instead of a possible alignment discussion with them, and had been more adamant then that nothing was physically or mentally wrong with me. So yes I don't think you're wrong in asking them to read up on asexuality because you need someone to work with you on that. 

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My therapist was actually really nice about it. She did kinda give me the "well, you're kinda young, so you may not have met the right person yet" argument, but I understand why she (or any allo who is uneducated on asexuality) might think that. She seemed to know what asexuality was though. We don't really talk about it anymore because I never bring it up, but I think if I did she'd be fine with it.

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It's terrible that she's being dismissive when she is supposed to be partly responsible for your mental health. Tell her to get educated on the subject, or change therapists.
Our society is so blind-sided by sex that people can't even fathom us not being interested in partaking--or they need to convince themselves that something has to be physically "broken"...
But being on this website, you must have seen how many types of people identify as asexuals, and how diverse their situations are. If YOU feel like asexuality is something that applies to you, if YOU feel like you have found your truth and can live better with yourself knowing it, DO NOT let anyone convince you otherwise.

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On 1/20/2017 at 11:55 PM, borkfork said:

Info on dealing with therapists

 

Short answer: yes, you could point out your therapist's lack of knowledge, but being prepared with facts and a list of URLs (not blogs unless it's something like Asexual Explorations which also has a list of actual research) and books will probably go over better.

That link is perfect, thank you. I get what you're saying about providing reliable information.

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On 1/21/2017 at 4:55 AM, Luftschlosseule said:

Yes, I, too, had this kind of conversation. Around here you get five free appointments during which gets decided if you both can work together or not.
It was the first appointment, and she asked me why I have trouble finding a place. I answered that maybe I was to open about my asexuality, and she started ranting about there being no such thing, she would know since she studied it and yadda, yadda... she didn't let me speak up, it ended in me crying and I told here we woulnd't see each other again.

She was ranting and wouldn't let you speak?? What kind of therapist does that?I'm sorry you had such an awful experience. I like my therapist, but she has her faults like anyone else.

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On 1/21/2017 at 6:48 AM, WishfulThinker said:

I see my therapist in a couple of weeks and i want to bring this up with her. I'm a little worried about what she will say because i know people on here have had trouble with therapists. :(

I would say half of it is how you approach it and the other half is how she'll naturally react, which you can't control. Hopefully you feel comfortable enough with her that you can bring up anything that's bothering you. Good luck!

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On 1/21/2017 at 7:38 AM, James121 said:

I'll give my answer to you as a Sexual in the hope that it helps. I believe that asexuality exists but you have to see the issues that make it very confusing. On the one hand there are some asexuals who: don't crave sex, don't crave masturbation but find people aesthetically attractive. Next is don't crave sex, likes masturbation, is attracted to no one. Next, repulsed by sex, no interest in attraction but wants a deep emotional connection. Then likes the feeling of occasional sex but not due to attraction or desire, likes masturbation and isn't attracted to anyone. The list is absolutely endless with variables. Yes there are several other names to categorise each one but it is hard to keep up with. When you have so many variables it reduces the credibility of the name asexual as for some under the umbrella could easily be put in the sexual spectrum with just as much evidence to support it. Again I reiterate I am not dismissing asexuality but it is so complicated!

I get it. When I first read the list of sub-identities (forgot if that's what they're called), I was like "Wow. That's a lot of different combinations." It is very confusing and complicated, I won't argue with you on that!

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On 1/21/2017 at 7:55 AM, twilightstarr said:

I don't have much technical knowledge in the area of therapy, but it seems logical to me that therapist needs to know enough about the kind of person they are dealing with in order to actually effectively help them. 

I agree. Throughout my life and my experience with various therapists, I've dealt with a lot of issues that I consider weird or rare, so sometimes it's hard to find someone who either gets it or is willing to learn about it.

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On 1/21/2017 at 8:38 AM, Luftschlosseule said:

Yes, you're totally right! You should be able to tell this person everything about you.
And you need somebody who is willing to focus on things that trouble you. For example, this person doesn't need to know everything about asexuality, you need a person that accepts that you accept it and see no issue there. Both of you have to work together on the real problems, whatever they may be.

That's a good way of looking at it. Like I said, she hasn't been mean about it or anything, she just keeps going back to a possible cause that I don't feel is my truth. It might be part of it, but I think most of it is due to being asexual.

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On 1/21/2017 at 1:33 PM, ThePecanSandies said:

Another one of the million reasons I was so confused is because I had talked to four different therapists and two doctors about my lack of sexual feelings and they were all completely dismissive. At the time I didn't really know about asexuality but I wish I had a more sexuality based discussion with them instead of a possible alignment discussion with them, and had been more adamant then that nothing was physically or mentally wrong with me. So yes I don't think you're wrong in asking them to read up on asexuality because you need someone to work with you on that. 

Thank you for your input. I can't believe you also had to deal with dismissive health professionals. That just shouldn't happen.

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On 1/21/2017 at 1:41 PM, tgif said:

My therapist was actually really nice about it. She did kinda give me the "well, you're kinda young, so you may not have met the right person yet" argument, but I understand why she (or any allo who is uneducated on asexuality) might think that. She seemed to know what asexuality was though. We don't really talk about it anymore because I never bring it up, but I think if I did she'd be fine with it.

That's good, I'm glad she was open-minded about it. Ahh, the "you haven't met the right person yet" line...that's what many of my friends have said. Now I just let it go in through one ear and out the other.

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On 1/21/2017 at 2:05 PM, luzblue said:

It's terrible that she's being dismissive when she is supposed to be partly responsible for your mental health. Tell her to get educated on the subject, or change therapists.
Our society is so blind-sided by sex that people can't even fathom us not being interested in partaking--or they need to convince themselves that something has to be physically "broken"...
But being on this website, you must have seen how many types of people identify as asexuals, and how diverse their situations are. If YOU feel like asexuality is something that applies to you, if YOU feel like you have found your truth and can live better with yourself knowing it, DO NOT let anyone convince you otherwise.

That's one of the things that most appealed to me about this site-the notion that even if you're not 100% sure you're asexual, it is okay to claim the identity for yourself if and when it feels like your truth. Thank for the mini pep talk!

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ChickenPadSeeEew

I work in the field and can tell you most therapists, in general, don't have great training on ace and aro identities and related issues (unless they seek it out specifically).

 

This means, unfortunately, clients often have to teach them.

 

It's a serious problem when neither therapist and client have heard of Ace/aro identities and thus don't explore these possibilities and instead assume sexual dysfunction.

 

But, if you identify as ace and/or aro spec, and your therapist sees this as a problem, and you don't, the actual problem is the therapist's lack of training and understanding. I can't stress this enough: you're not the problem. 

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On 1/23/2017 at 2:30 AM, ChickenPadSeeEew said:

I work in the field and can tell you most therapists, in general, don't have great training on ace and aro identities and related issues (unless they seek it out specifically).

 

This means, unfortunately, clients often have to teach them.

 

It's a serious problem when neither therapist and client have heard of Ace/aro identities and thus don't explore these possibilities and instead assume sexual dysfunction.

 

But, if you identify as ace and/or aro spec, and your therapist sees this as a problem, and you don't, the actual problem is the therapist's lack of training and understanding. I can't stress this enough: you're not the problem. 

Good to hear from someone who works in the field, thank you. I wonder if this will get better with time.

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On 1/23/2017 at 2:30 AM, ChickenPadSeeEew said:

But, if you identify as ace and/or aro spec, and your therapist sees this as a problem, and you don't, the actual problem is the therapist's lack of training and understanding. I can't stress this enough: you're not the problem. 

Yup.  It sounds like rubyglo might want to consider finding a new therapist.

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I am currently studying to be a therapist myself and I say do not be afraid to speak up for yourself and let your therapist know that she needs to educate herself more  on what it means to be asexual. Since she hasn't received training on this, you may have to help educate her yourself. Don't be afraid to tell her exactly what you think and feel when she dismisses your asexual identity. You are the expert on yourself, not her. And honestly, if a client gave me homework, I wouldn't mind. It's important for your therapist to be educated on these things.  As a client you don't have to worry about protecting your therapists feelings. Helping her better understand your perspective should improve your relationship, and having a good relationship with your therapist is one of the most important things for therapy to work. By educating her you will also help her be a better therapist.

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  • 4 weeks later...
On 1/30/2017 at 4:23 PM, Whimzee said:

I am currently studying to be a therapist myself and I say do not be afraid to speak up for yourself and let your therapist know that she needs to educate herself more  on what it means to be asexual. Since she hasn't received training on this, you may have to help educate her yourself. Don't be afraid to tell her exactly what you think and feel when she dismisses your asexual identity. You are the expert on yourself, not her. And honestly, if a client gave me homework, I wouldn't mind. It's important for your therapist to be educated on these things.  As a client you don't have to worry about protecting your therapists feelings. Helping her better understand your perspective should improve your relationship, and having a good relationship with your therapist is one of the most important things for therapy to work. By educating her you will also help her be a better therapist.

Sorry it took me so long to respond. You're right, as a client I shouldn't have to worry about hurting her feelings. Thank you.

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