Advice Needed for Ace/Sexual Relationship

[semag6489]

This post a bit NSFW. I need some advice/support/I don't even know:

 

I recently married a sexual man. We were friends for nearly 10 years before we finally took the step into a romantic relationship. He knew going in that I'm an Ace and he's okay with it. He's been extremely patient and understanding in regards to my Asexyness and what I can handle. So far we've been working together to find a compromise.

 

It turns out that I'm a lot more sex-repulsed than I originally thought. Apparently talking about doing it doesn't affect me so much, but actually doing the touching makes my skin crawl. So far we have yet to actually have penetrative sex (he is extremely worried about hurting me), so it's mostly just... I don't even know what to call it. Canoodling? Non-penetrative sex? Not sure. Anyway! To distract me from the skin-crawly feeling, there's usually television going in the background. He'll do his thing and we're done. 

 

My husband has requested that I be more involved, like touching him and kissing him more, initiating it myself rather than having him do it, be on top, grind, BJ, strip tease, etc. But the thought of doing these things makes me sick to my stomach and very, very uncomfortable. I knew that it would be difficult, but I want to at least try because it makes him happy. Does anyone have any recommendations or ideas on how to... I hate using the word 'endure,' but that's kind of what it feels like. Does anything make it easier? Does anyone have any tips or suggestions or advice or anything?

 

Thank you for reading. <3

[Guest]

I love you please be my new best friend, you used the word "canoodling"

 

Obviously my first question is... why on earth did ya'll get married before figuring this stuff out?!? I don't know what to say except ya'll need some major changes and couples counseling, ASAP (and please, not religious counseling, or they'll just tell you to suck it up for your husband - pun intended). If he knew you were ace but still expects an above-average sex life (just FYI I'd murder my partner in her sleep before I EVER gave a strip tease)... then he's not respecting you or your sexuality at all. If you promised to give him an above-average sex life despite being ace, you're not respecting your sexuality either. Ya'll need to get on board with reality sooner rather than later. That means really difficult, honest conversations.

[semag6489]

Hello. I like the word canoodling, too. Thank you for your insight.

 

Anyone else?

[Naosuu]

Yeah, to be fair it's hard to compromise when you're very sex repulsed. Even if you're willing, it's going to be a long, hard road but you'll need to do a few things.

 

You'll want to talk to your hubby what both of your expectations. Not just what he wants, but how these things make you both feel. Sometimes we agree to a certain set of... circumstances? (e.g. being ok with the current level of canoodling) but he obviously wants more. You want to give more, but he's obviously asking for too much. Asking a sex repulsed ace for a blowie is already very demanding. So it'll probably be a good idea to have a very frank discussion about his and your expectations and the feelings - both the good and the bad.

 

If need be, have you thought about directing him to AVEN? There's the lovely SPFA section if he needs support. Maybe he can read some asexy perspectives on his own time to help wrap his head around asexuality.

 

I know it sucks to kind of agree to something and then find out it's actually not as OK as you guys thought. This is OK but as Skullery said you guys need to get on board with the reality of your situation - sooner than later, preferably.

[semag6489]

He's been on AVEN. It's the first place he looked when we started dating. I may refer him back here.

 

Thank you for your insight.

[oskietje]

On 1/20/2017 at 7:08 PM, semag6489 said:

My husband has requested that I be more involved, like touching him and kissing him more, initiating it myself rather than having him do it, be on top, grind, BJ, strip tease, etc.

I think it's fair for him to request this but you need to understand that all of those activities are independent of each other. You might like some, you might not like others, but you're painting a huge stroke of paint across the whole thing and therefore dismissing his feelings or needs. It sounds like you two need to sit down and really talk about what you want to do and how you're going to be able to meet each others needs, emotionally and otherwise. 

[Guest]

Canoodling   i never heard about such a term before but it sounds.. interesting!

 

I agree, SPFA might be a good way for your hubby to find some support! You might want to talk to him about your repulsion and why it's difficult for you to do what he requested you to do. I think that it's better to be honest then to regret things later. As someone who is also heavily sex repulsed and touch averse i can imagine it's not really appealing to consider doing some of the stuff he'd like you to do. I hope you two can work things out together.

[Lara Black]

Hello.

My first advise would also be to seek counseling with an open-minded shrink. If that’s not an option at the moment, you might try to work through some things yourself.

1. You can separate different actions – I agree with Oskietje. Erotic dancing, various kinds of touching and traditional sex don’t feel nearly the same for most people. One thing or other might be acceptable for you.

2. You can try to narrow down what aspect of you is repulsed by sex – is it purely physical, mental and/or has something to do with your self-image? Each of these aspects can be addressed separately and gives you more directions to work on than just general hatred of sex.

3. I’d say that “enduring” sex or suffering through it is not a good idea. If a sexual only wants to orgasm, one can self-satisfy. Sex with a beloved person is about intimacy, connection and other things you seem to withdraw from by focusing on TV and such. Given how little satisfaction it promises your partner and how hard seems for you, it’s a lose-lose deal.