Jump to content

when to come out?


that1hippie

Recommended Posts

Since I'm just recently coming to terms with being asexual I'm in no hurry to reveal it to the world, but I'm curious: how long after discovering yourself did you wait to tell friends and family? 

Link to post
Share on other sites

The best advice is to come out when you're ready. It may take a while, but your time will come.

 

I've known I'm asexual for nearly a year and a half and I've only come out to one person IRL.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm not planning to come out to my family. My parents are in their late 80s and they can go to their graves without this information. They were terrible to my brother when he showed signs of being gay as a young teen (kicked him out of the house, sent him to a psychiatric hospital for months, told a judge to "throw the book at him" during sentencing for a minor shoplifting charge which resulted in 30 days in Juvie, followed by a halfway house for 6 months when he was 15).

 

Not that I think my family would even care if I remained a spinster my whole life (I am 49). Is it really any of their business, anyway? I still want to date and have relationships and what happens (or doesn't happen) in the bedroom isn't really their concern.

 

Besides, I don't consider my asexuality to be a dominant part of who I am. This may change, of course, but for now the only people who know the truth are you fine folks, plus a couple of ace teens/20-somethings who I met at a meetup and who will likely never overlap my IRL social circle.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Anne, I'm with you on this one. My mother doesn't need to know (she's in her 80s) mostly because she doesn't like the publicity of the LGBT community. She doesn't want to know about it! My father passed away seven years ago.

 

Being asexual doesn't colour my life or personality either. I'll probably come out to one friend this year and possibly another. For the rest of the people I know, it's none of there business.

 

:) 

Link to post
Share on other sites

At the meetup I went to, coming out to parents was a big topic. Several of these people came out more than once (e.g. first as gay, then as trans, then as ace). 

 

I've been thinking about it a lot this month, though, so I would not be surprised if I spilled the beans to someone. But yeah, I don't consider it a big hairy secret, and if someone were to find out, I wouldn't care that much.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I'd say do it whenever you want, or not at all. Don't feel pressured to do it just for the sake of visibility if you're not yet comfortable. I'm out to very few people, although I'll usually announce my asexuality if its relevant to a conversation. It's not that Im not proud of who I am; I just can't be bothered with people's questions. My parents for example are still getting their heads around the LGBT thing so I doubt I'd get much understanding from them! If you're bursting to tell people, maybe start with someone you trust, then see how you feel about telling others.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Blue Phoenix Ace

I first came to AVEN in July of 2015. The first week, I struggled with the identity. Surely I wasn't... but then the more I read, the more it all resonated with me. Over the course of the next few months, I thought a lot about it and became comfortable with the identity. Then, I was afraid of telling anybody for quite some time. I first came out to a close friend of mine and he was very accepting, about three months later. Then in February of 2016, I came out publicly on Facebook.

 

So... seven months? For some people, that's too long. Others might never come out. Consider the pros and cons of coming out. Then try to figure out if some of those pros and cons are just unfounded fears and go from there.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest Jetsun Milarepa

I've only had a name for it since 14/2/16, when I came here, but I started a new job recently and when I joined the union, there wasn't a category for more than LGBT, so I drew one in myself, saying 'Ace'. That put me out and proud! I'm now doing equality and diversity training and ready to become their equality officer! 

Link to post
Share on other sites

Come out when you feel it is right. I have done it in stages. I got advice from friends who are gay and then came out to my sister. I then came out to my parents through a long note. Then, slowly person-by-person. Today, I finally put the Ace Flag on my Facebook profile picture. It is a difficult process and I know the fear that came along with struggling to come out to others. For most others now, I really do not care what they think. I am happy being me and that is what matters most. That freedom is priceless. Best wishes on your coming out. As a friend of mine told me and it is so true, it gets better.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I don't feel any pressing need to come out. I have now been divorced for a year and a half and discovered AVEN last summer. It is enough for me that I now know I am not a singularity.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I haven't come out to any friends or family, although I've been tempted a few times.

 

I was very tempted when I first stumbled across this place, during the first wonderful burst of excitement that came with my asexual epiphany. For a while, there, I wanted to shout it out from the rooftops! However, I made myself hold back, reasoning that I wanted to be sure that coming out was the right thing for me to do. I didn't want to be recklessly impulsive.

 

That's fine, only somehow, the idea of sharing has become harder over time, not easier.

 

On the one hand, I'd like to be open with my closest friends but, on the other, I've known them for years and I'm not sure that my asexuality is relevant to the kind of relationships we have. We're friends, not potential romantic (or other) partners. If it becomes relevant for some reason, I probably will say something, though.

 

I sometimes wonder whether it would be easier to come out to brand new acquaintances than to old friends. There would be no baggage or history to overcome.

 

So, almost a year since I joined AVEN, and I'm still not out. However, I do have a small ace pin that adorns the bag I use for work, and I do have some friendship bracelets with an ace flag pattern, one or other of which I wear pretty much every day. Nobody has noticed either yet...or if they have, they haven't commented. My guess is that, if anyone has noticed, they haven't realised that there is any significance to either. I sometimes wonder how I will react if someone does realise, and says something.

Link to post
Share on other sites
7 minutes ago, Tystie said:

during the first wonderful burst of excitement that came with my asexual epiphany.

YES!!!! Exactly...I wanted to tell lots of people right away. About four months after I joined AVEN in Nov 2015, I did tell two of my sisters, and then over the next couple of months told a few friends. The reaction was never met with surprise or astonishment, just kind of a "Uh-huh, okay, not a big deal." Only one friend has flat-out dismissed that asexuality is an orientation--she and I have been friends since about 14, so I cut her some slack.... (Plus I don't see her all that often.) Now that I have calmed down about the whole "out" thing, I realize it is just one piece of who I am. I just like knowing that I have AVEN and have made new friends here!

Link to post
Share on other sites

@Tystie and @teatree I felt the same as you 2 when I first came here to Aven and finally made my discovery, I was excited about it and wanted to tell people. But I held back thinking about it a while. I only told one friend who actually suggested that I could be asexual many years ago. But I wasn't sure about it then and there was no Aven or resources to verify it. I had also thought about telling my mom. But decided not to. She already knows I didn't want to date or get married and have kids. Thankfully she never really pressured me about it, though she probably was disappointed that I didn't want those things.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Coming out is a process, rather than an event. Every time you meet a new person, you may have to come out again. Fortunately, I've found it a lot easier to tell random strangers that I'm asexual than to tell my family. I've come out so far to my mom and my sister, and both times I didn't really plan it, I just did it spur of the moment while we were chatting in private. 

Link to post
Share on other sites

Similarly to @Mocha Jo, I'm just content and relieved to have found this community of likeminded people. I'd long figured there had to be others who felt the way I did (to the extent I could even articulate to myself what that was), but how would I ever find them to even discuss the topic? So thankfully now I have, but I feel no need to bring it up IRL. I wouldn't rule it out in the future under specific circumstances, though.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I've been using my Ace pen, striped with the ace colors, at work pretty regularly. I know this isn't exactly outrageous, but it makes me feel good to use it. And maybe it'll send a signal to other aces at my company if there are any.

 

 I'm single now as well (after a five-year relationship), and now that I don't have sexual pressure/obligation, I find that I don't think about my asexuality that much. I do want to start dating again, but I am not sure how that will go. How do you come out to potential romantic partners you meet? Or do you specifically seek out asexual people to date? The thought of it makes me ill, to be honest.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I only recently discovered this part of me, I've been romantically attracted to people in the past but it's never been physical in any way. Given how my family reacted for years to my showing attraction to anyone who's personality I found lovely, I doubt that I'll ever tell them this part. It's none of their business how my physical life is going anyway. <_< The only person I might share it with is someone I have romantic intentions towards, they're the only ones that deserve that knowledge. My mother has already been informed that she's not getting grandkids from me anyway, she's placing all of her hopes with my younger brother for that. So coming out isn't high on my priority list at 30.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.
×
×
  • Create New...