Am I asexual? Should I date a sexual person?

[Tinkerb3ll]

Hello everyone. I'm writing on here because I am confused about my sexuality. I am a 20 year old girl and I never had sex. I can say that I was always a really affectionate person with the people that I was comfortable with or that I liked a lot, both men and women. I used to have crushes on my teachers of both sex but It was never a sexual thing, i was just happy being around them and i liked to look at them and their every movement. I remember when i was 13 I was on my bed with other people during a school vacation and my teacher was there and she had her head on my thigh and she let me play with her hair and I was so happy to be doing that, it was so sweet. I think she was one of my first crushes.

What I am sure of is that I think I feel the aesthetic attraction towards people, like If i think/consider a person beautiful, no matter what their sex is, i like to stare at them but I never think "omg i really want to have sex with them" because that'd be...weird? What I also think is that I am romantic, probably biromantic. I experience feelings towards men and women, when I feel something, I automatically start to touch them and have the desire to be close to this person, even by kissing or hugging/cuddling. What never happens tho is the "need" or desire to have sex with them? It's like I wasn't built with a bulb that should, I guess, light up at least in certain occasions? It's not like I don't have needs because I masturbate a lot. While I do that, I think of stuff that I probably wouldnt feel like doing in real life, sometimes I dont think at all...I also dont need to watch stuff to do it, I mean, I could but i dont feel like its necessary in order to have an orgasm honestly. It happened that guys would touch me there and my body would react to that but it's like there is something missing? Like i dont feel like continuing, I dont feel involved, I dont feel like stripping and be touched, or in case of men let them put their cock into me (sorry for the use of words)...And I mean, I dont see this as a problem because It's just who I am I guess but at the moment I am dating this guy and yesterday we were at his house and well since I am an idiot I was teasing him too much by stroking myself on him (I know I know...) and well can you believe I wasn't turned on AT ALL? I was just doing that because I knew he would like it but I wasn't doing that for my pleasure...after a while he told me "can we make love?" and I stopped almost instantly, I was terrified, and I felt so bad because he was SO into it and I wasn't and i like him too much and I feel like I am never going to open up to him. So yeah my sexuality or my asexuality wasn't a big deal till now but now it is. He was so sweet to me, he told me that sex isnt the most important part in a relationship, he told me that it may take some time and other stuff but what if it'll become a problem later? Maybe I am demisexual and when i'll start to love him maybe it'll come but what if it wont? I really dont think i am demisexual...I had feelings for a woman this summer but I just wanted to kiss her I wasn't attracted to her body...I am never attracted to someone's body, just their faces. I don't know what to do, I don't know if i should consider myself asexual or wait and see how this relationship goes? My mom always tells me that sexual attraction comes later on, when you start to love someone but I know that's not true for everyone...she is probably demisexual but doesn't know it. Sexual attraction has nothing to do with feelings. You can feel attracted, you can have a desire to have sex with a person without having feelings towards them, without knowing them either. But she will never get it Lol Also I find kissing super gross if i dont have any kind of feeling towards someone. Like I wouldnt care if the most beautiful person was in front of me, i still would say no to a kiss? That's just gross. Who even are you? Lol Anyway, there's more...once in my life i think I felt the famous sexual attraction. I dont exactly know why it happened with this person (it was with a boy btw) I just know that I felt this drive that made me want to have our bodies connected and while he was lightly touching me I was seeing stars and i know that i wouldnt have said no to sex in that moment. Then it all went away, the day after I wasnt feeling anything at all towards him..it all went away. I'm so confused...maybe i am grey asexual? That's the name for those who experience sexual attaction sometimes right? But anyways I don't know what to do with the guy I am dating right now...What if i am never going to feel like having sex with him? He is so in love with me I dont want to end this relationship just because of my asexuality. I like him a lot and I would miss him too much even tho I am not in love with him yet. I feel like crying, what should I do? What do you guys think?

[Telecaster68]

Firstly:

 

Quote

I remember when i was 13 I was on my bed and my teacher had her head on my thigh and she let me play with her hair

Whut? This sounds very inappropriate to me...

 

It sounds like your bf is working on the assumption your 'no' meant 'not yet', rather than 'not ever', which is what you meant. You need to clarify this with him. It sounds like he'll be willing to give it a try, but he could have every intention of trying to make it work but find the lack of sex too much in the end. Similarly, you could try to compromise with some sexual activity with every intention of trying to make it work but it becoming too much after a while. The only way to find out is to try.

 

Maybe you will at some point get that spark of sexual desire, who knows. But it would probably be better to assume you won't, and not to go into it with your bf, as he may well cling on to it as a 'someday', and forever be disappointed.

[Member4445]

Why was your teacher on your bed, let alone in your bedroom?

[Anthracite_Impreza]

I too am far more concerned what the hell your teacher was doing than anything else.

[Not Active]

Lol wut. What does the teacher have to do with you dating sexuals. Anyways, how did she get on your bed and her head was too close to your groin (You could have just touched her hair without it on your leg ). Hopefully it didn't get too inappropriate.

 

About your boyfriend, try explaining to him about asexuality. Show him the link to this website and other websites about asexuality. Explain to him that asexuals can still have sex without being attracted to others. You may also be a demisexual since you experienced sexual attraction to him after you became attached to him. Demisexuals often get confused about these sort of things once they start feeling sexual attraction towards someone for the first times and everything you indicated in your post suggests demisexuality .

[Tinkerb3ll]

8 hours ago, Ciri said:

Why was your teacher on your bed, let alone in your bedroom?

We went to london with the school and we stayed there for 2 weeks. One day we were all in the same bedroom and she was laying on the bed and she let me play with her hair...she was very friendly that's all. There was nothing sexual about it...

[Tinkerb3ll]

Sorry for the misunderstanding about the teacher thing lmao i didnt realize i didnt add context. We were on vacation with the school and we used to stay in one room just to chat, there were other people too. But anyways that's not important.

[Telecaster68]

I guess if it's not a problem for you and there was no power dynamic or manipulation going on then it's not too sinister. It's really not the kind of thing a teacher should put themselves in a position to enable happening though. They're teachers, not friends.