Older Asexuals: Would you mind telling some of your story?

[LV321]

It doesn't matter how much or how little you provide, I am curious about your journey and how that led you to where you are today. I'm not an older asexual myself, so I hope this isn't seen as intrusive!

 

Have a wonderful day!

[straightouttamordor]

OK here goes,  I knew when I was a tween that I didn't really put much emphasis on sexual attraction. Does this mean I never felt any ? No. I knew I was hetrosexual and romantic as well. I liked affection but the crescendo of sex,  I  didn't care if I could hit that note or not. Even if not, it didn't bother me nor did it make me put my manhood on trial. It was the world around me that used this dicotomy. Sex is equal to or greater than love. One's male or female value is applied to this sexual component it seemed. I know there are other metrics to social value, education, genetics, pedigree etc. These have little or nothing to do with sex directly. 

I don't have low tetesterone or sex repulsion. Yet I still have very little sexual attraction or desire to be cured of it. I was even married. Sex didn't manufacture love or fabricate deep feelings of some kinda super affection and adoration. It is something outside of sex that brings forth those emotions from me. 

Confusing ? Yes I know it is. It's like trying to explain to a  Peacock how to teach a Racoon to ride a mountain bike. 

If you asked ten Aces you may get ten different answers. Then, how many clicks north or east or whatever they happen to be on the compass of asexuality.  Why, how or when ?  May be interesting questions but  I am what I am. You can't unburn a burnt log.

[imnotafreakofnature!]

On Thursday, January 19, 2017 at 8:05 PM, prib23 said:

Confusing ? Yes I know it is. It's like trying to explain to a  Peacock how to teach a Racoon to ride a mountain bike.

ROFLOL!!!!! I LOVE that description!!

[imnotafreakofnature!]

For what it's worth, here's some of my story. Please forgive me if it gets a little long-winded.

 

I definitely experienced sexual desire when I was a teenager, but I never felt any need to act on it. Like many asexuals who grew up in the '60s and '70s (at least, I'm guessing it's like many of them, but I don't honestly know), I thought sexual desire and sexual attraction were the same thing. Despite the rise of the LGBTQA+ community, all that was still frowned upon for most of my growing-up years. There were only three options: attraction to the opposite sex, attraction to the same sex, or attraction to both. Attraction to neither was never even conceived of as an option.

 

I grew up in a whacked out family with an alcoholic "step-daddy dearest" and a textbook case codependent "mother" who became a christian when I was ten or eleven and took us kids to church. Although I detested it at first, I finally just gave in and eventually even embraced christianity, so I always told everyone I was "saving myself for marriage." I was one of those girls who always had a boyfriend, and everyone seemed to think I was "loose" because of it. The real reason I had so many boyfriends was because I DIDN'T put out, and when they found out, they moved on to greener pastures.

 

I got married young (19) and soon found myself wondering what the hoopla was all about. My high school friends had all acted like sex was the greatest thing in the world, and I just didn't get it. My marriage ended 12 years later (we had two boys along the way), and I was single-again for 14 years. Not having someone else's insatiable sexual demands hanging over my head every minute of my life was wonderful and liberating, and I loved every minute of it! However, I'm a romantic who missed the cuddling and just having someone to love and share life with. I came to the conclusion that my lack of interest in sex the first time around had been because of the way he treated me. When I met my current husband, who treats me like gold, I was sure it would be different (we've been married eight years now). Much to his dismay, that hasn't proved to be the case. Like most other asexuals, I felt like there was something seriously wrong with me, so last year, I started researching it. That's when I learned about asexuality and discovered this site. I tried sharing it with my husband, but he refuses to believe it. He wants to believe it's just menopause and that there's a pill to fix it. I don't bother talking to him about it anymore, but I've bought some black rings to remind myself that I'm not alone, and I joined this site, which helps me through the tough days (i.e., the days when we have to have sex). I really do love my husband, and we get along great in every other area, but if anything were ever to happen to him, I know enough now to know that I'd never marry another sexual.

[will123]

On 1/19/2017 at 8:05 PM, prib23 said:

 

It's like trying to explain to a  Peacock how to teach a Racoon to ride a mountain bike. 

 

I don't think it happens too often as I've never seen a raccoon riding a MTB and I ride quite a bit 

[will123]

On 1/19/2017 at 5:17 PM, LV321 said:

It doesn't matter how much or how little you provide, I am curious about your journey and how that led you to where you are today. I'm not an older asexual myself, so I hope this isn't seen as intrusive!

 

Have a wonderful day!

LV, here's my introductory thread:

 

I'm pretty much an open person to feel free to ask here or in a message. I don't know about the others, but I have to agree with something that was posted by another older Ace. They wished AVEN had been around long ago. It would've been a big help in learning about my asexuality at an earlier point in my life.

[Twigwilter]

Throughout most of my teens I had very few friends, mostly because my old friends became very interested in attracting the opposite sex and getting into relationships. When I was at school, the term asexual wasn't known so I was seen pretty much as just a weirdo who refused to grow up! In my late teens I came to the conclusion that as I was definitely not gay then I must be straight, just by default, so I reluctantly got into a relationship with a good friend after much pressure from him and tried to give the whole thing a go! It didn't work out and he felt rejected as I made lots of excuses to avoid sex ( I found it very tedious and like I was missing out on something as he was into it and I wasn't). We split up and at the time, I felt like I was broken and had mistreated him in some way by being so "cold". I stayed single after this but it was years until I discovered asexuality was a thing. When I did, and I had an official term for how I felt, I was at first relieved but then filled with dread for the future as for the first time I was considering what this meant for me. I became depressed for a while and drank quite a bit to block it out. I slowly came to terms with the fact though and am now proud of my orientation. I have a number of friends who accept me as I am, I'm very happily single and am no longer dreading the future! There are definitely many perks to being asexual; if only I'd known that when I was younger!

[will123]

On 1/25/2017 at 5:28 PM, Twigwilter said:

I slowly came to terms with the fact though and am now proud of my orientation. I have a number of friends who accept me as I am, I'm very happily single and am no longer dreading the future! There are definitely many perks to being asexual; if only I'd known that when I was younger!

Good for you!

 

On the the bold, as I've always said when I've bumped into someone that I hadn't seen for years. If the marriage question came up, I'd reply, "Depending on who you ask, I'm happily or unhappily single". That usually brought a chuckle. Regardless of how I felt about my sexuality prior to discovering asexuality, I didn't mind being single. I night have had a slight twinge of no relationships, but I was busy enough to keep it out of mind.

[Guest Jetsun Milarepa]

Never was on my radar....I had my head in a book for most of my teens, then put everything I had into study and work. I always felt the pressure from those around me, but didn't really succumb until I was 30, then one year of disastrous marriage later (but a great daughter too), I decided that was that. Spent the rest of the time making sure my offspring and widowed mother were well looked after, a full time job in itself. 

 

I started to feel more 'person' and less aligned with any particular gender. A few years living in the wilds stripped me of society altogether, then I found AVEN by chance and instantly knew. Now life's so much easier, just because I don't have to prove anything to anyone. Great feeling.

[will123]

1 hour ago, chandrakirti said:

I started to feel more 'person' and less aligned with any particular gender.

 

 then I found AVEN by chance and instantly knew. Now life's so much easier, just because I don't have to prove anything to anyone. Great feeling.

Thumbs up.

 

You posting about feeling more as a person than male or female got me thinking. Yes I'm male, but that's it. However my feeling towards sexual attraction (if it exists at all in me) is neutral. I have only the faintest interest in romance with females and it gets smaller as the years go by. I've never had any romantic interest with a male.

[Mocha Jo]

Well, I did the societally expected thing and got married to a "good catch" right out of college. I don't even know if I was in love or not, and the sex part was always just tedious, although he tried. Had 2 kids, even though I never actually wanted to be a mother- it was expected. Got left when the kids were 2 and 5 for a blonde stewardess, and spent the next 11 years as a single parent. Became infatuated with my next partner - female- I thought that might make a difference in how I felt about sex. (and I was tired of being alone) that lasted 16 years and we were officially divorced a year and a half ago. I don't know if the split was about the lack of sex or about a lot of other personal problems. 

 

Shortly after this split I discovered AVEN, I don't even remember how, and things just clicked. I am not broken, or flawed. I am just the way I am- sex just isn't on the radar screen and I don't care. But, I will say, even though I am not looking forward to my old age by myself when it was not what I thought I was going to do, I am never getting into another relationship. I feel like I have made 2 other people unhappy along with myself, even though they have both moved on and seem fine.

[Sally]

1.  Decided to try sex since I thought I should although I didn't want to.

2.  Didn't like it.  Boyfriend did.

3.  Got pregnant.

4.  Got married.

5.  Had second child.

6.  Got divorced.

7.  Fell in love.

8.  Had sex with partner for years...

9.  Couldn't stand sex anymore; read about asexuality; told partner.

10.  Discussed that for 2 years.

11.  Then continued partnership without sex.   

12.  Happily ever after.

[imnotafreakofnature!]

Wow, Sally!  It's great that you and your partner can have a sexless relationship! I wish my husband could go that route, but I don't see it ever happening. Even if he was willing to try it for a while, he'd be miserable.....and that would make me sad (because I love him and want him to be happy), even though I'd be THRILLED to never have sex again!

[Private]

On 1/29/2017 at 0:14 AM, Sally said:

1.  Decided to try sex since I thought I should although I didn't want to.

2.  Didn't like it.  Boyfriend did.

3.  Got pregnant.

4.  Got married.

5.  Had second child.

6.  Got divorced.

7.  Fell in love.

8.  Had sex with partner for years...

9.  Couldn't stand sex anymore; read about asexuality; told partner.

10.  Discussed that for 2 years.

11.  Then continued partnership without sex.   

12.  Happily ever after.

Sally:

 

I am happy that your spouse was able to accept your declaration of asexuality

 

 

[GTG]

Hey all, copied most of this from my first post in the welcome section:

I'm 54 years old, and I've been married twice. No regrets about the first time, I have 2 amazing sons. The second... well, maybe another time.

I've been vaguely aware that I didn't find sex as big a deal as it was 'supposed' to be my whole life. I suppose I've been aware of the concept of asexuallity for years, but it was actually a comic, Danielle Corsetto's "Girls With Slingshots" along with a core group of wonderful commenters that helped me realize that I was. One of the characters is in an asexual homoromantic relationship with another who is very (bi)sexual. Seeing that relationship unfold was like a light going on. I suppose I had always subconsciously equated asexual with cold and unloving, but reading that story, along with most of the comments, showed me how wrong I was. 

Even though that was years ago, I only recently realized how much not admitting it to anyone else has been messing with my life. 

l've been alone for about 10 years now, and I mean alone. I haven't spoken to a stranger (or almost anybody) I haven't had to this whole time. It just seemed pointless, you know? All the vast majority of guys want to talk about (especially, it seems, as they get older) is sex, and women, well, I'll tell you what brought me here.

I was visiting my oldest friend this past summer and a friend of his stopped by. A beautiful woman, funny, smart, we got along insantly, and she was only 31, so I thought, well, there's no chance of anything sexual here, so maybe we can be friends. My friend went out for something, and the second we were alone, she had her top off. After I made it clear that I wasn't interested in sex, it was like I ceased to exist. And it finally hit me how lonely I was, and that I desperately needed a friend who knew and accepted who I was. 

So, 6 months later, I took my first step, I posted on a local classified ad website under Friends and Networking, "54 yo asexual panromantic looking for friends, like minded people, any age or gender."  The first time I put out into the universe who I really am. My second step was coming here. Third step is tomorrow when I meet someone who responded. I'm terrified though, that I will just fall back into my old role, pretending to be 'normal'.

[imnotafreakofnature!]

On Tuesday, February 07, 2017 at 4:09 PM, GTG said:

I suppose I had always subconsciously equated asexual with cold and unloving, but reading that story, along with most of the comments, showed me how wrong I was.

 

Sexual people also equate asexuality with a lack of warmth and love. My husband feels like that - like I'm rejecting him because I'm so cold, unloving and uncaring.  He doesn't seem to get that the only reason I still participate at all is because I DO love him and want him to be happy. He's not happy, though, unless I'm enjoying it like he does. I just tell him he has no right to dictate how I feel about it. We've had that conversation SEVERAL times.

[GTG]

27 minutes ago, imnotafreakofnature! said:

Sexual people also equate asexuality with a lack of warmth and love. My husband feels like that - like I'm rejecting him because I'm so cold, unloving and uncaring.  He doesn't seem to get that the only reason I still participate at all is because I DO love him and want him to be happy. He's not happy, though, unless I'm enjoying it like he does. I just tell him he has no right to dictate how I feel about it. We've had that conversation SEVERAL times.

 I hope you two can work it out. It just seems so odd that, objectively, sex is one of the smallest parts of a real relationship, but subjectively, it can be the biggest. Best wishes.

[teatree]

@GTG, how did your meeting go (with the person who responded to your ad) the other night?

[GTG]

Hey teatree, they rescheduled. This afternoon actually, we'll see.

[teatree]

Hope it went well!

[Fersergi]

On 10/02/2017 at 8:19 PM, imnotafreakofnature! said:

Sexual people also equate asexuality with a lack of warmth and love. My husband feels like that - like I'm rejecting him because I'm so cold, unloving and uncaring.  He doesn't seem to get that the only reason I still participate at all is because I DO love him and want him to be happy. He's not happy, though, unless I'm enjoying it like he does. I just tell him he has no right to dictate how I feel about it. We've had that conversation SEVERAL times.

Hey, there. My boyfriend used to feel the same way - rejected. That was before I realized I was asexual. Once I came to terms with what I truly am, we started talking about it, reading, discussing things and our relationship changed completely! TALKING and OPENING UP work like magic!!!

[GTG]

Thanks teatree, I believe it did. We have similar tastes in music and books, and I wasn't very uncomfortable at all, which is quite rare for me. So I'm cautiously optimistic. Tentative plans to meet her husband Wednesday and check out some local musical talent. 

[imnotafreakofnature!]

On Saturday, February 11, 2017 at 9:46 PM, Fersergi said:

Hey, there. My boyfriend used to feel the same way - rejected. That was before I realized I was asexual. Once I came to terms with what I truly am, we started talking about it, reading, discussing things and our relationship changed completely! TALKING and OPENING UP work like magic!!!

I've tried talking about it with him, but he refuses to accept it. He wants to believe it's just menopause and that there's a pill to fix it, I just have to keep looking until I find it. I'm still trying to figure out why it is that I'm supposed to be the one to find a pill to "fix" me so that I'll want to. Why can't HE find a pill to fix HIM so that he WON'T want to? I love him dearly, and we get along great in every other area. This is the only thing we ever fight about - we don't even fight about money.

 

Needless to say, I don't bother talking to him about it anymore.

[Fersergi]

Oh, that's hard - when one side refuses to discuss it, and declares that the other side is broken and needs a fix!! Have you tried going to a counselor together? That helped me and my boyfriend a lot! One of the first thing he told me was that the number of couples out there that argue about sex is bigger than we think.  That's the beauty of talking to others: we realize it's a common thing. We see it thru other's perspectives!