I think my girlfriend is asexual

[Claris]

So basically,

I started dating a girl I met online last year and we fit together so amazing. She was the first to initiate sexting and she started many sexual conversations etc. We've met up many times and spent many nights together but since the first time we met, every time we spend time together she gets less and less sexual. Until admitting a few months ago that she doesn't want to have sex. Which of course, of course I was completely fine with, I would never force or push her to do anything and her not wanting to have sex I was very understanding and supporting but of course I asked why, since from the beginning she had been the one initiating talk about it. Long story short, she got very defensive and upset and every time I bring it up the same happens. We'd up several times and slept in the same bed many times before she told me this and we hadn't had sex, just making out and kissing. 

After she told me she didn't want to have sex, I visited hers for a week and on the first night we had sex. She initiated it.

I was sure to be very slow with her that night we got into bed, only gently kissing and not touching her and generally giving her space because I don't want her to feel like I'm not okay with her decision and pushing that I want it. But anyway after we'd said goodnight, she started kissing and touching me and started to undress me and had sex with me after and then I returned it after asking her if it was okay and she wanted it. (We're both women btw) so that night happened and it was amazing and she said so as well and then for the rest of the week we just kissed and cuddled and every thing was fine. I was a bit confused admittedly because she never made a move that she wanted anything more again but still wanting to give her space and respect I didn't bring it up or suggest it. 

A few weeks went by and she came to mine for the week. And we didn't make out once. We'd kiss gently every now and again but whenever I tried to deepen the kiss she would laugh and call me horny. 

She stopped complimenting how I looked, stopped calling me hot or saying I was attractive, stopped everything sexual. 

Of course I got upset and so confused because she'd gone from being very sexual, to not wanting anything, to initiating sex, to barely kissing me and telling me to put more clothes on. 

 

She mentioned that she thinks she's asexual and so this is why I'm here.

I want to educate myself on a sexuality and I would really appreciate any advice you have for a sexual person in a relationship with an asexual person. 

Of course I don't want her to do anything she doesn't want to do or doesn't want, and I never will, but our relationship is seriously struggling because of our differences. 

Please do tell me if I'm being offensive or if I'm in the wrong, I'm here for literally any sort of advice or guidance, from asexual people or sexual people or anyone in mine or my girlfriend's position (or has been) 

 

[Moophie]

Hi, Claris! Thank you for stopping by.

 

I don't think you're doing anything offensive at all. And it's pretty awesome that you want to understand your girlfriend more.

 

First, I'd suggest introducing her to this site or search with her for more information. She may be asexual or somewhere on the spectrum and she may not be. She's the only one who can tell. If she's interested that is.

 

Your scenario sounds something like what I had with my last boyfriend. I'd known him a long time, we got along really well, I thought he was good-looking, he'd shown interest in me. We got together after years of knowing each other. He's a very sexual person so we got into it fast and had full-on sex twice in short time. It wasn't anything bad or terrible but neither encounter felt good and I realized I had no actual desire for it. After some time thinking I told him I didn't feel the desire for sex and that pretty much ended our relationship. After we talked. 

 

This wasn't the first time I was with someone but it's what convinced me that I'm asexual. I was really into this person, felt sexual attraction, but it still didn't help. I would have gladly stayed with him, I liked him a lot and enjoyed his company, but he wasn't interested. 

 

There are plenty of people here who can relate to yours and your girlfriend's story. Again, if she's interested. I hope you'll take advantage of the site and ask any questions you might have.

[winchester.kaz2y5]

you should consider asking her about her sexual orientation because the situation could mean that she is fraysexual or something along those lines but what's really important is that you make each other happy (that doesn't necessarily mean sex is crucial). My best advice is for you to sit down with her and talk everything out.

[Hayden Dun]

I don't think you're in the wrong or being offensive at all! You seem very understanding, even though the experience sounds like one that could potentially have made you very upset. Pretty much what the others have been saying, talk it out and bring her to AVEN. Good luck

[Alexandmb]

I'm glad to see you're respectful and comprehensive. IMHO maybe she's a little confused about her asexuality. Maybe she's an ace but had sex with you because she felt a strong connection with you or tried to please you or just wanted to try sex and those are some reasons of why asexuals have sex. In any case you must show this site to her and maybe helps her to clarify her orientation and more important, keep in contact, communication is something important. 

 

Good luck!