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31, F, formerly sexual?


that1hippie

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ive been confused about my sexual orientation since i was a teenager. the idea that intercourse and pregnancy were normal expected things drove me to tears as a child first learning the facts of life. i was in no hurry to date and didnt understand what the fuss was about. i had a libido but lacked sexual fantasies. i may have had "crushes" on boys but the first time i fell in love was with a girl--that i never met. my super religious parents found out and condemned me to hell for my perversion. i then tried my best to be normal. lost my virginity at 19, it was awful. was even more convinced i must be gay. finally i found a man who was happy to try and "fix" me. his method? get me drunk/high and make me watch porn. it was awful and traumatizing but in time it worked. i learned to "enjoy" sex because i was able to disassociate. i had found the key to being normal--i had to be intoxicated. i was never attracted to the men i was with, and sober sex was awkward and awful. i kind of dated a girl one other time but realized im even more terrified of vagina. being asexual was of course never a possibility. but the more i think about it the more it seems to fit. i dont drink or do drugs anymore--going on 10months. and i have no desire to date or be sexual. i look back at who i used to be--"kinky" and insatiable and i see a lost and lonely girl acting out playing a role being inauthentic and engaging in self-harm. anyone with similar experiences?

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Omg this is horrible, but I can relate, I find genitals and sex disgusting at a certain level, I don't want to touch people or get touched in there.

My bad your parents were ignorant assholes, you should look after a therapist to deal with all the trauma.

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Anthracite_Impreza

I don't think you've ever been sexual, because you never actually wanted it but were pressured and drugged into it (which is bloody horrible btw). I can't directly relate but I'm sure some people here will.

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I'm so sorry you've had to go through that. I hope you can find happiness and truth now in your freedom. 

 

It doesn't sound like you were ever sexual. The mind is very powerful and we can trick ourselves into believing things that aren't true. I've tried to force myself into sexuality in the past as well, but it always came back to it not feeling right. 

 

Welcome to the community. We're here for you on your journey 

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Welcome, hippie! :cake:

 

And congratulations on your sobriety.

 

I thought I was gay for a while. Back then it seemed like the only other option.

 

You've been through an incredibly difficult time and forced yourself to do things after being ridiculously pressured by the people around you. I hope you don't blame yourself for anything that you may now find distasteful. Many of us have ways of dealing with pressure and problems in life that we regret.

 

I didn't have the greatest upbringing but my parents might be low-level saints compared to yours. Food has always been my one comfort. And I'm definitely not too happy about it now.

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i really appreciate all the replies! its strange and frightening for me to finally have a clear mind and see things for how they were and how they are. im trying not to blame myself for what was essentially grooming/brainwashing 

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TheLastOfSheila
20 hours ago, that1hippie said:

i didn't want to hear that a necessary part of healing was trying to date again *shivers* 😢

Omg, seriously?  No wonder you ran away, terrified.  Not what I would call "support" in any shape or form.

 

Reading your post made me feel a myriad of emotions, not the least of which was recognition.  Your words made me think about my past relationships and I recognized myself.  Kind of shook me up a bit.  Thanks for that.

 

I am so glad that you found this place.  Better than any bogus "support group".  :cake:

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