AnneSexnot Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 It's 2017, I will turn 50 this year, and had never heard of asexuality until last year. After reading about it and taking the tests, I believe myself to be a gray asexual, definitely romantic (mostly hetero), and looking to explore my sexuality or lack thereof. I've had several long term, heterosexual relationships in my life and one very brief fling with polyamory of all things, but they pretty much all fell apart due to my piddly sex drive and eventual unwillingness to submit to sex on a regular basis. As a young woman, I was definitely interested in dating, and actually enjoyed making out and cuddling, but never made a sexual connection with anyone. I'd thought that maybe it would take some time to reach my sexual peak, but I'd realized a few years ago that I was in my late 40s, and whatever sexual peak was likely not going to happen. I'd used the specter of slut shaming and the AIDS scare to avoid sex in my teens and 20s, but I thought it was OK as long as I loved the person. Well, love didn't really make it better. I viewed sex the same way I viewed, say, cleaning the house. Not my favorite thing, but something I was willing to do for my partner. I still am, but I sometimes tend to shirk on my responsibilities. (It's a little like quitting sugar or waking up early, takes discipline that I sometimes can't muster.) I recently went to an Ace meetup in my city, but most of the people there were really young (teens and early 20s), and a lot of the discussion focused on Disney movies and TV shows I don't watch. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but I would really like to meet other aces closer to my age. And/or people who are struggling with this. The realization that I am probably ace made my unbelievably sad. I feel, in some ways, that I have been cheated out of a "normal" life. And because I would love to settle down with the right person someday, it makes me worry that I will never meet them. So, that's my rambling story. Nice to be here. Link to post Share on other sites
HallsiKallsi Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 Hi, I'm not around your age but I've never known of meet ups from my country and I don't know if I would be confident enough to go to a meet up, so I feel a bit isolated as well, and the right person comes for everyone, a person I know has grandparents that divorced at 80 to marry their soulmates, love can come anytime, just remember that Link to post Share on other sites
Moophie Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 Welcome to AVEN, Anne! Link to post Share on other sites
Guest And Peggy Posted January 19, 2017 Share Posted January 19, 2017 hi and welcome to aven, anne! Link to post Share on other sites
will123 Posted January 19, 2017 Share Posted January 19, 2017 Hi Anne and here's your cake You may want to check the Older Asexuals area. A little different circle of folks (I'm 55). Link to post Share on other sites
AnneSexnot Posted January 19, 2017 Author Share Posted January 19, 2017 Thank you guys!! I love cake, especially carrot cake with cream cheese frosting, but yours look yummy as well. I'm on a no-sugar diet for January, but when the month is over I may just have to buy myself a little Ace treat. I checked out the Older Asexuals thread. There was a 40-year-old woman who, like me, was scared of dying alone. I just joined this community today, so I'm still finding my way around. Re the Ace meetups, I hear there are some large, multi-day affairs in several cities. (There was just one in Vancouver, Canada, which is close to Seattle, where I live.) @will123, my twin siblings were born in Ontario, small world! Anyway, you may be hearing more from me. I'm a pretty prolific Internet writer and am kind of a homebody as well. I look forward to connecting with more of you, and enjoying the virtual cake. Link to post Share on other sites
will123 Posted January 19, 2017 Share Posted January 19, 2017 I'm sure I'd like to meet another Ace in person sometime, but not sure of the setting. From what I've read of some of the "meetings" they sound like an executive meeting of the local neighbourhood park association. Not that I'm expecting a swank gala. Link to post Share on other sites
AnneSexnot Posted January 19, 2017 Author Share Posted January 19, 2017 From what I see of the Ace community, "swank" wouldn't be the word I'd use to describe them. I watched the documentary (A)Sexual today, which was recommended at the meetup, which kind of made me want to seek out more in-person events. Regardless of what I didn't have in common with the people I met, I felt I could be myself in front of them. Which was a hell of a nice feeling. There were about seven of us, sitting around a table at a place called "Gay City" which housed a coffeeshop and a bunch of offices for LGBTQA groups. Conveniently located near my house. They are having another meetup on Saturday, but I'm going to the Women's March and won't be able to join. The organizer encouraged us to suggest our own meetups, whether they be game nights or parties or political protests. They also talked about the possibility of creating a group to march in the Pride parade in June, but nobody seemed too enthused about that idea. Oh, and one of the members mentioned that OKCupid (a free dating site) has an ace category! So you might be able to find fellow aces through that site, if they operate in Ontario. Link to post Share on other sites
daveb Posted January 19, 2017 Share Posted January 19, 2017 Welcome, Anne! Have some carrot with cream cheese frosting. I've been to a few meetups and each one has been a bit different. I think anyone who is lucky enough to live in a city where meetups happen would do well to give it a try. Game night meetups sound like fun to me. Being able to be yourself is a wonderful thing! Link to post Share on other sites
will123 Posted January 19, 2017 Share Posted January 19, 2017 I admit swank gala was maybe a bad choice of words. Not really into board games of the sorts but a "mixer" kind of meetup would be more my preference. Link to post Share on other sites
AnneSexnot Posted January 19, 2017 Author Share Posted January 19, 2017 I'd love to go to a bar together, drink copiously, and not be subject to the close-talking, kissy-kissy, grabbing-a-feel thing that sometimes happens with the sexy people. Link to post Share on other sites
daveb Posted January 19, 2017 Share Posted January 19, 2017 11 hours ago, will123 said: Not really into board games To each their own. I'm not even sure what a "mixer" is, but it doesn't sound fun to me. And I am not at all into bars and drinking copiously myself. Link to post Share on other sites
AnneSexnot Posted January 19, 2017 Author Share Posted January 19, 2017 I think a "mixer" refers to any event where people can mix. And mingle. I was halfway kidding about the bars. I don't go to them much anymore. But I would like the chance to party, dance, pump my fist to some live music etc. without the specture of sexuality rearing its head. (I survived several Mexico Spring Breaks as a college student. Intact, of course, but without a fair amount of groping and propositioning.) Link to post Share on other sites
daveb Posted January 19, 2017 Share Posted January 19, 2017 OK. Yeah, mixing and mingling and partying and all of that is not my thing. (I'm much too introverted and prone to sensory overload for that sort of stuff - but like I said, to each their own) Link to post Share on other sites
will123 Posted January 19, 2017 Share Posted January 19, 2017 I'd be happy with meeting half a dozen Aces over coffee. Alcohol isn't a requirement. Link to post Share on other sites
AnneSexnot Posted January 20, 2017 Author Share Posted January 20, 2017 Not a requirement for me either, but as I said, I'd love to hang out in an "adult" environment without people on the make. I suppose sometimes this happens at work or whatever, but given a certain amount of social lubrication, you're going to get people getting physical. I don't mind flirtation or even touching, as long as it doesn't go beyond that. When I was a younger woman, I used to go dancing a lot at gay nightclubs. Which was great. Because those guys were not interested in me at all. And I enjoyed the music, the spectacle, the vibe. Coffee and conversation is fine, but to be honest I have a lot of trouble going into a new social situation "cold," and actually prefer the distraction of loud music. Of course, if my goal is to get to know people better, then of course I would rather do it in an atmosphere conducive to conversation. I typically have to psych myself up to meet new people, and most meetup groups are scary, but I have learned to get over my social anxiety somewhat in the interest of expanding my horizons. I live alone and work at a very non-social job, and I sometimes go days without talking to anybody. I don't want to be like that, though. Link to post Share on other sites
wanderful Posted January 20, 2017 Share Posted January 20, 2017 Hi Anne! It's so nice of you to share your story. I am new here too. I'm 56 years old and AVEN is the first online community I've ever joined. My story begins with a funeral. I had an uncle that recently died of prostate cancer. He was in his late 70s, never married, an introvert and recluse with 10 dogs who lived in the same home his entire life. My family was rather divided on their feelings about him--some felt he was a painfully shy genius and others saw him as a rude, socially inept, Aspie--but there was a general consensus growing up that he was weird. Being compared to him was usually an insult so I tried to suppress things about myself that would draw comparisons. But we had many similarities. What I learned was that oddities were more acceptable with men than women. I've never cared for dating and only had girl friends growing up. When peer pressure demanded I show sexual interest, I found cover in religion. I actually loved the idea of an afterlife with "new bodies" and "perfect love" that seemed to suggest asexuality. Friends suspected that I was gay because I rolled my eyes every time they tried to set me up with one of their male friends. It made me wonder if I was gay. So, I thought that I needed to seek out lesbians to see if it was true and I enlisted in the military. I know now that had I been gay, I would have been attracted to girls around me, but somehow I thought I needed to be physically near lesbians as if desire was a scent they'd emit. I met lesbians and went out with them and really enjoyed their company. I thought I found desire but it turns out I just liked being around women whose conversations weren't about men. I got into a long term relationship with a lesbian that quickly became sexless but the emotional support and respect for each other was very satisfying. Since then, I've been with men. I got pregnant, married--in that order--and now my only child is 21 and away at college. I love my husband but the sex is for him. He knows I'm not into it that much so he takes care of himself until I show interest. But it's something I have to remember to do. I totally get your view on sex...it takes discipline! hahaha Link to post Share on other sites
kelico Posted January 20, 2017 Share Posted January 20, 2017 Welcome to AVEN! Thank you for sharing your story with us. I'm glad you made your way here! : ) As you can see, you'll find a lot of friendly and supportive people that can relate to you here. People of all ages with all sorts of experiences. You're not alone! There are many success stories shared here. Best wishes, and I hope you enjoy being a member! Link to post Share on other sites
AnneSexnot Posted January 20, 2017 Author Share Posted January 20, 2017 Thank you, kelico. How did you know I like tiramisu? Hey, wanderful, thanks for sharing your experience. I am also a "black sheep" in my family. I have two sisters close to my age, and I was always being compared with them. I never married, never had kids (though I regret that, I really love kids and cherish my nieces and nephews), and know I'm "weird but they can't put their finger on it." I went the hetero route because it was easiest, I guess. I never ever thought of myself as gay, and still don't, though I could see myself in a lesbian platonic relationship in the future. I've been slowly putting the pieces together, spurred in part by an online community called Quora, where I first became aware of asexuality. I participate in that community quite a bit but I don't feel comfortable discussing this there. I prefer to hide behind my pen name and avatar. So I'd been a long term relationship with a man for a little over 5 years, and whaddaya know, he broke up with me last night. It's sort of ironic that it coincided with me joining Aven. He is sexual and accepted my low sex drive, but the truth is I have close to zero sex drive. I sometimes masturbate but the orgasms aren't very intense. I used to wonder if the songs and romance novels were just a bunch of hyperbole. (I remember the first time I had sex and was completely underwhelmed.) I'm glad to meet kindred spirits here! Link to post Share on other sites
kelico Posted January 20, 2017 Share Posted January 20, 2017 51 minutes ago, AnneSexnot said: Thank you, kelico. How did you know I like tiramisu? I'm the cakeloid, I know all favorite cakes! No but seriously, that was just a major coincidence lol! I decided to post tiramisu cakes tonight, so what luck! Link to post Share on other sites
wanderful Posted January 20, 2017 Share Posted January 20, 2017 Anne, I'm sorry to hear about your breakup. I'm here if you need to talk. I've been going through sadness and introspection since my uncle's death and it's what got me to join Aven. You're right about being with kindred spirits...my sex drive is essentially nonexistent too! When I am horny, it doesn't mean that I want to be with someone...that just complicates things. It's like feeling hungry and planning a dinner party instead of going to Subway. I've never been able to have orgasms without a vibrator. And my orgasms have never come close to the one Meg Ryan had in When Harry Met Sally. Sex was really great when I was high, but that only happened a few times a long time ago. Pot is legal now in California but I think I'm a little old for that now. I know what you mean about love songs and romance stories...I relate to the emotional aspects--usually--but so much of the sexual stuff seems like parody. My lesbian partner's mother lived with a female friend. One was divorced and the other widowed. It was a wonderful, supportive relationship. They worked together at a home health agency, vacationed together and shared living expenses. And they both had boyfriends but preferred to keep the men at arms length. They didn't want to be wives (read: maids) again; it was an ideal living situation. If I outlive my husband, I would do that too...just without the boyfriend. It's nice talking with you. Link to post Share on other sites
AnneSexnot Posted January 20, 2017 Author Share Posted January 20, 2017 Sex on weed (and meth) is tolerable for me, but it didn't last. (Well the meth part was unsustainable, but it was the only thing that helped me feel anywhere close to normal on the sexual spectrum.) I used to own a legal pot farm in Washington and got really sick of the stuff. Not my favorite drug by any means, but it's healthier than alcohol. But I wouldn't say I "get" horny, really. I can psych myself up to feel sort of horny, but it takes effort. And I don't really see the point, unless I am in a relationship where that kind of thing is expected. Sorry about your uncle. He sounded kind of cool. Weirdness is a virtue in my book. But you are right that eccentricities aren't as acceptable in women, unless you are wildly rich and have a glamour-girl past. Thanks for your sympathy. I am not too sad about it. He's a sweet guy and we are still going to be friends. But this, I feel, is going to free me up to explore the Ace thing, go to some meetups, enjoy some guilt-free cake etc. Link to post Share on other sites
wanderful Posted January 20, 2017 Share Posted January 20, 2017 It's good that you're not really down. Sounds like you were both ready to move on. Horny might be the wrong word...there are a lot of things I need to learn about my sexuality or lack of. Quora sounds like a good place to start. I'm curious, is Ace a term used just for asexuals? Link to post Share on other sites
AnneSexnot Posted January 20, 2017 Author Share Posted January 20, 2017 Yes, it's a short version of asexual. Speaking of, on my walk to work today I was pleasantly surprised to hear the Slate Represent podcast featured John Jay and the director of the (A)sexuality documentary interviewed. Great timing! Ugh. I have to run to a stupid work meeting so I will have to cut this short. Link to post Share on other sites
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