My story

[racheliz]

Hello, I'm brand new here!

 

One of my friends, Becky, came out to me yesterday as asexual. She didn't label me, but wanted me to look into demisexuality and check out this site. After reading a lot about it, a lot of things I've never understood about myself make sense now, and I think I do identify as demisexual.

 

As a kid and a young teenager, my only interest in boys was as friends. I saw my guy friends no differently than my girl friends. I was completely unable to relate to my girl friends' crushes, and never "liked" a boy in that way. Crushes on movie stars seemed to ridiculous. How could you "like" someone you didn't know? I had absolutely no interest in sex, which was seen as virtue because I'm a Christian. The difference between me and my friends who were also virgins, though, was that they had to use self control to keep from "doing it", while I had no interest in the first place. I thought love was silly and sex and kissing were kind of gross.

 

By the time I reached my mid twenties, I knew I was interested in meeting a man, but mainly for friendship purposes. I wanted to be emotionally intimate with a man, and develop a bond with him, but still had no interest in having sex. This was very difficult. When you get to your teens and beyond, the primary way to show interest in the opposite sex is through flirting. I didn't understand this flirting thing. Why couldn't I just walk up to a guy and act normal to meet him, like I did with girls? I didn't dress to look pretty, didn't wear makeup, and didn't act flirty, so I guess that sent an "I'm not interested in meeting any men for anything" vibe.

 

In my late twenties, I heard about asexuality for the first time, and started to wonder if that might be me. Then I met Nathan.

 

I was 31 when I met him online; he was 39. We hit it off instantly as friends. I slowly began to open up to him, and he did to me. After a few months, my friends and coworkers told me they thought I was in love. I disagreed since I just didn't do the whole "love thing". Then one day I spent hours on his roof with him, in subfreezing temperatures, helping him fix the roof. I'm not handy, I hate being cold, and I'm terrified of heights. But I didn't care about any of that. I just wanted to be with him. That was when I realized I was in love.

 

Although I knew I was in love, I still had no desire to "do" anything physical with him at that point. I guess I still didn't know him well enough. It took me another eight months to kiss him on the cheek. Several months after that, we started doing some clothed sexual stuff (we call it "snuggling") and shared our first French kiss.

 

For the very first time in my life at the age of 33 I want sex, and I want it bad. But only with him. The thought of doing anything physically intimate with anyone else is completely repulsive. Nathan is not good-looking in the traditional sense, but to me he's the sexiest thing on the planet (the only sexy thing on the planet?).

 

The sad thing is that, due to religious differences, we've decided marriage won't work for us. And he won't have sex or continue French kissing and "snuggling" outside of marriage. My friends say I need to leave him and stop seeing him because I "won't ever meet anyone else" if I keep seeing him. But he's my best friend; I feel like I would die if I dropped him like that. And no matter how hard I try to explain, they just don't understand that I couldn't just jump into another romance if I "got over" Nathan. It would take years to develop the kind of friendship I need in order to fall in love, and even if we became friends, that doesn't mean I would fall in love. I fear I'm a one-love-in-a-lifetime kind of person, but I don't want to be alone.

 

At least now with Becky's help I understand why I'm different, and why most of my friends just don't and can't understand me and my way of forming romantic and sexual attraction. I don't know what to do about it yet, but I don't feel so alone knowing there are other demis like me out there!

 

I apologize that this is so long; it feels so wonderful to finally be able to share my story with a community that might actually understand where I'm coming from!

[Hawk-Heart]

Welcome to AVEN!!

[kelico]

Welcome to AVEN! Thank you for sharing your story with us! You can write as much as you like...it was really powerful to read. : ) It sounds like you're figuring yourself out, which is awesome! I can't imagine being in the position that you are right now, though. : ( It's sounds so very difficult to be with someone you love so much but have something coming between you like that. I really hope that things can be worked out for you two!! I suggest checking out the Asexual Relationships part of the forum and possibly the Gray Area for more posts regarding demisexuality. You're among friends here that are very supportive. I hope you enjoy being a member, and best wishes!