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I'm so confused. ..


AnnieM

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So I about a year ago I figured out I'm asexual. I've been with my husband for 15 years, he's a very sexual person. I finally told him what was going on with me, and why I don't like having sex. I do it to make him happy, but it's not enough for him. Yesterday he asked me if he could have sex with other people. I don't know what to do, I want him to be happy, but I'm scared. Does anyone have any experience with this? I'm just so confused and I have no one to talk to...
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Hello, Annie!

 

Welcome to AVEN :cake:

 

This is a compromise I've seen crop up a lot in such situations. And I'm sure there are different ways to go about it.

 

I'll defer to people who are actually in committed relationships. But I hope you'll find what you are looking for and wish you all the best!

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Hey OP!

 

I'm talking from my own experience so it might not work out for you, but maybe it will give you courage or inspire you!

 

First you have to think why you feel upset/scared/nervous about an open relationship. This is the first step. Understanding why it makes you uncomfortable helps you to make better decisions. If you already know why, that's good too!

 

Step two:

Now when you have figured out why you feel like you feel, think what kind of a person your husband is and are your fears reasonable. It's normal to feel a bit anxious when facing a new situation like this and it's nothing to be ashamed of, now you just need to ask yourself and try to predict how it would affect on your relationship and your feelings. You could (and probably should) also talk about this with your husband, but it's completely up to you.

 

If you two decide that your husband can have sex with others, you can make some rules together. Like if you feel uncomfortable with him having only one partner, you can make a rule he should only have one night stands, have sex only with people he/you don't know etc. The thought might feel scary but if you make the rules together, it will make it a whole lot easier for you.

 

You're totally not alone with your feelings, many ace spectrum people deal with those and it's completely normal. Think about yourself, how you feel about having sex and are you ready to have it in the future. It's completely up to you as you're the one who chooses what to do with your body. 

 

I wish you all the best and hope you'll find a solution that satisfies you both!

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Thanks for your replies! I think I'm scared of him falling for someone else, or getting someone pregnant.  He's never been one to wear condoms... he swears he will,  and it would just be about sex,  but I have no way to make sure that's the case.  

We already don't have time together because of our schedules,  this will just take more time away.  I asked him what was the point for us to even be together,  he said it's easier because of the kids,  and he loves me. I will have sex with him to make him happy,  but I love to snuggle and just have him close to me, and if I even touch him, he wants sex.  And he has a hard time taking no for an answer.  

Where would we even begin to find a woman for him if I decide to just go for it?  

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If you're afraid of him falling for somebody else, you could ask him to only have one night stands (nowadays there are plenty of websites that allow people who want just a one night thing to meet and do the do) if it makes you more comfortable as people don't tend to fall in love with complete strangers. It's too bad you have so little time together but if all of this works out it might inspire him to spend more time with you going other things or just peacefully cuddle with you. What you need to know is that it takes a while before you both get used to this so if you go for it and feel slightly uncomfortable in the beginning, it's normal. If the uneasy feeling won't leave then something needs to change. At first it would be good if you two just sit down and talk like what are you expecting from this, what do you both want and what you're worried about. 

 

Hope this helps!

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nanogretchen4

I would also recommend starting at the conservative end of the nonmonogamy spectrum with occasional one night stands. Some couples save extramarital activities for when they are apart anyway due to a business trip or whatever. That way it's not actually cutting into couple time. If you have a don't ask don't tell arrangement, you don't even have to know about it if you'd rather not.  However, nonmonogamy is not going to work out if you can't absolutely trust him to use condoms every time. If in the slightest doubt, make him use condoms with you every time, or stop having compromise sex. Really there's not much you can do about it if he's going to get another woman pregnant, except divorce him. He's a father already, so he needs to just act like a grownup and take responsibility for his sexual decisions as with any other decisions he makes. And keep in mind that divorce is a totally valid option if either of you prefers that to an open relationship.

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if I even touch him, he wants sex.  And he has a hard time taking no for an answer

My wife's asexual, so please understand I'm kind of on your husband's side of the equation, but he really shouldn't be pressuring you, and most sexuals can do the cuddling-without-sex thing. We do have some self restraint. It gets frustrating but it's do-able and still nice.

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2 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

My wife's asexual, so please understand I'm kind of on your husband's side of the equation, but he really shouldn't be pressuring you, and most sexuals can do the cuddling-without-sex thing. We do have some self restraint. It gets frustrating but it's do-able and still nice.

...and perhaps he just hopes that 'this' could be a cuddle that would lead to sex. As in "ok, she seems to be ok with it today! Hmm, I wonder if it would be ok if I touch her bum. Uhh, feels nice. Moving on...!"

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