What I want is complicated

[IceHurricane]

This is just me sorting through my thoughts, you don't have to read it if you don't want to. 

 

I feel like what I want is sort of unrealistic? I'm aromantic/asexual, but I'm sex positive. I'm curious about sex. I've only had it a handful of times, and I want to learn more. Basically what I want is like a platonic relationship/friendship with some experimenting with sex on the side? Friends with benefits, but like 99% friends, 1% benefits. I can't do one night stands because I'm inexperienced and I need to trust them and for them not to expect a lot from me. I don't want to get into a relationship with a sexual because I don't want to feel pressured to put out when I'm not comfortable or don't like it, which leads to him seeking out another partner. I don't mind that, but not a lot of people are really comfortable with non-monogamous relationships, so I don't know how that would work. I considered getting in a relationship with another ace who's okay with sex too, and won't want it often like me, but they can't be inexperienced (sorry for stereotyping, I just feel like a large majority of aces don't feel the need to have sex, so they don't, which makes them inexperienced). I want a teacher/student type relationship. Sort of this D/S mindset I have. I want them to be superior to me. I want someone to teach me sex, but only what I'm comfortable with. I may not like it at all, and I need them to be okay with that. I'll also probably need lots of encouragement too because I'm going to be super embarrassed because I know I'll suck. 

 

Now that I think about it, though, being with someone just as inexperienced as I am isn't such a bad idea. As long as whoever I'm with knows not to expect a lot out of me because I'm new to everything, I should be fine. Hmmm.... 

 

Even if I were to find a person like this, I don't think I'd ever be able to have that relationship I desire. Relationships are all about communication, and I have horrible communication. So I'm going to stay single, for everyone's sake. At least until I better myself as a person. I need to learn to communicate if I'm ever thinking about entering a relationship. So this is all pretty much just a fantasy. My 'dream' relationship if I ever were to be in one in the future. 

 

If anyone actually read all this nonsense, do you feel like what you desire in a relationship is unrealistic or complicated? Share your 'dream' relationships! 

[WishfulThinker]

I feel pretty similar to you, only i've never had sex before. I am curious about it though. I find communicating with people quite easy as long as i'm not talking about anything too personal - then i shut down. I can make small talk quite well but if you start asking me how i feel about things then i get awkward.

 

Just from personal experience, i find therapy extremely helpful. I've been seeing my therapist for about a year and a bit now and she's helped me turn my life around. Before i saw her i was on the verge of being committed to hospital for depression and i was in a bad place mentally and emotionally. In the time that i've seen her i've; moved out of my parents house and i live alone, i got an amazing new job where the people i work with are so open and non-judgemental and i actually feel like i fit in, i've made some great new friendships and had the courage to walk away from people who made me feel like crap. I'm alot more confident in myself and my life and i feel ready to face life rather than hide from it. Which is what brought me to this site - i've been researching and reading alot of posts on here and trying to figure out where i feel i fit in under the Ace umbrella.

 

I think i have unrealistic expectations of people in general - i don't understand people and why they do things they do. I have i guess 'dream' relationships in my head. Mostly based of movie/tv characters where i imagine myself in the movie/tv show and how things would play out if i was there. I daydream about relationships with these characters but in real life i'm pretty comfortable and happy being on my own. 

[Skyfire Ace]

I am in the same boat as you, aside from being technically a virgin. Interestingly I've currently started to engage in that kind of relationship you describe with my allo best friend.
We have done some stuff (no actual sex yet though) and it actually helped me to realize that I'm definitely ace, however I can enjoy sexual actions physically. I can't say much about the relationship yet since we just started out, aside from it being purely platonic as we both have a huge squish on each other. 

[yeehaw123]

I've had the chance to have exactly what you described but I hated everything about it. Once I was "good" I felt comfortable with the idea but once there was an actual person I was incredibly nervous, stressed out and repulsed. I've never enjoyed any type of sexual encounters and the whole time I did have sex my mind was going 100mph. I was like is this correct?, i wonder if this feels good for him? becasue there's nothing for me, this is so awkward, i don't have that look of passion like he does, yikes this is so boring, i feel nothing, can this please be over like pleeeaase hurry up, I would way rather be doing legit ANYTHING else right now, he is really enjoying this? that is so weird, i wonder what is going on in his head?, he doesnt mind that i am chubby? what the heck, so i have to arch my back, this is so not comfortable, when wil this be over I feel like its been HOURS *it's only been 10 minutes,* I am soooo over this, oh he is putting me there, i know what to do, guess I have to act like i'm enjoying this, was that it,? oh thank goodness, all i want is some cake.

 

I've spent so many nights replaying everything as if it was football and I wanted to see how the play went but after a while I would feel so gross, so i've stopped everything sexual all together and I am SO happy (besides my depression and debilitating anxiety). to me sex is nothing but two people rubbing their downstairs together and I really dont desire that. I thought I was so weird for so long, my friends would talk about how good it felt and so on. And I would just be sitting there like can't relate. 

 

my dream relationship wouldn't have sex or anything sexual.  We would just be best friends, with holding hands, kissing& hugging occasionally, only when I felt comfortable and initiated it. I hardly doubt I will ever find a relationship like this, but that is the perfect relationship in my eyes. I also am very comfortable with LDR becasue you can't do anything (except there's sexting and nudes but nooo thank youuuu). 

[scarletlatitude]

Ice, if you find it, please let me know, cause I want the same thing and I can't find it either. Maybe it is hidden somewhere. 

[Guest Talgo]

Male Asexual. Found out a couple years ago (just before turning 30). Was kind of shitty. I was mostly fat and out of shape and I put a lot of effort into losing weight and gaining muscle with the intention of getting a GF. Think I wanted a gf more to have someone to share my life with than anything else.

 

After our 2nd or 3rd date (when I realized we were dating) I told her. She was cool with it. Said she thought she was asexual after the first couple times having sex, but grew to enjoy it. Said I never had it & wasn't planning on it. Dated a few month before we tried it. It was actually pretty painful but she seemed to enjoy herself. Have had it a couple times since and it gets progressively better, but still something I'm not overly interested in (lol). It's weird, because it's expected that as a guy, I am supposed to be some sort of horn dog. At it's the main thing guys like to talk about (less so now that I'm in my 30's). 

 

Either way, sex isn't something you really need a teacher for I don't think. I think it's more important to find someone you are comfortable with. It took me months before I was comfortable enough with my gf to even try to have sex. And even though she has had sex more (not sure how much more) I don't really think it made things any easier.