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Confused with sexuality, am I asexual?


AprilOlivia

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Hi everyone, I realised a few days ago that I could be asexual, and right now I'm really confused and it's as if my world has been turned upside down.

Before a few days ago, I had heard of asexuality but I was never fully aware of what it meant. I remember seeing an article once about a woman who was asexual and telling her story, and I related her to some of it but I assumed that to be asexual you needed to not want to be romantically involved with anyone, and me being a hopeless romantic, definitely didn't fit the bill on that part.

I was checking out some videos about it on YouTube the other night, cleared up the whole misconception that you can't be romantic and asexual, and it was as if my eyes were opened, a lot of it seemed to relate to me, so I went straight to google and did loads of 'asexuality tests.' And I scored pretty highly on all of them, some saying I was a 'romantic asexual' because I love the companionship part of a relationship. But I'm still confused and I feel like a completely different person to who I was a few days ago. I think I'm in denial?

I'm 21 years old, female, heterosexual, living with my partner of 2 and a half years, we recently got engaged, I love him so much and he means the world to me. But we've always had a relationship that's not built on sex, because I had always assumed that I have a very low libido compared to him, we have sex but maybe once a week or once a fortnight, and it's honestly because I am not bothered with it, not just that, but I will actively make excuses to get out of it, and when my fiancée gets all touchy feely, and I know he's going to make a move, in my mind I am sighing deeply to myself and saying 'ugh do we HAVE to' in my head. It's gotten to the point when I feel so guilty and horrible because I feel like he thinks I'm not attracted to him, or that he's bad in bed, or that I'm bored with him or something, and that's not the case, I've been with someone else before him and it's all the same. It's strange though, I never really thought about it until the other day but I don't think I'm really sexually attracted to anyone. I think that my fiancée is gorgeous and I am attracted to him, but I never look at him, or anyone really and think that I'd like to have sex with them. Some people are just nice to look at. 

I feel like when I do have sex,I do it for him, and I don't know if that's right. I'm terrified of telling him that I think I am asexual, I'm afraid it will break apart our relationship. I honestly don't know how he will react and it worries me.

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Well hi! And welcome to AVEN. :cake:

 

There are a lot of people here who've found themselves in relationships and discovered things about themselves. You are totally not alone in this.

 

Firstly what I would advise before anything else is allow yourself time to think about it. Relax, search this site, chat with the peeps, explore the internets, find out as much as you can about asexuality to see if it makes a fit for you.

 

I am/was not in a relationship when I realized myself. And everyone is individual of course, so I can't really say what effect it may/may not have.

 

But I hope we can help you out!

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@AprilOlivia Sounds like asexuality to me. 

 

you express some concerns over it turning your world upside down, or changing who you are, or not being good enough - it is okay to have these worries. a lot of other people face these concerns too. I ended up breaking off my relationship (before I found out about asexuality) because I was worried that I wasn't the right person for her - but I regret doing that - I wish I had known sooner, so that I could have given her the chance to accept me for me, and for me to accept me for me, before deciding that "me" wasn't enough for "us". 

 

that being said - it is a difficult thing to get a handle of. I mean in general, with relationships, it is wise to understand any relationship might end for some reason - and if discovering a new thing about oneself is one of those reasons - well it always sucks to lose a relationship. so I hope that things do work out for you. I believe it is possible - if you and he already agreed to having a lower number of sexual nights - then it might be ok - as it shows that you are willing to have some amount of sexual activity - and he is willing to as well. You also mentioned your relationship is not built on sex - does this mean that you two have other things about your relations that are important to both of you? this is good! I am sure that the two of you will enthusiastically explore what it means to be in a romantic relationship with each-other, despite the low sex life - sounds to me like a dream :)

 

I've seen sexual people also worry about either not being loved enough, or attractive enough, or other asexual people also worrying if their partner feels that way, in a mixed relationship. I always suggest trying to find ways to express love and attraction through nonsexual means. sometimes a sexual person does want sexual behavior enough that it's too important to turn away... but if things go well, then romantic evenings are good enough. I hope that the sexual activities you and your partner have been doing, continue to work for both of you. 

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  • 2 weeks later...
On 1/16/2017 at 9:31 PM, AprilOlivia said:

Hi everyone, I realised a few days ago that I could be asexual, and right now I'm really confused and it's as if my world has been turned upside down.

Before a few days ago, I had heard of asexuality but I was never fully aware of what it meant. I remember seeing an article once about a woman who was asexual and telling her story, and I related her to some of it but I assumed that to be asexual you needed to not want to be romantically involved with anyone, and me being a hopeless romantic, definitely didn't fit the bill on that part.

I was checking out some videos about it on YouTube the other night, cleared up the whole misconception that you can't be romantic and asexual, and it was as if my eyes were opened, a lot of it seemed to relate to me, so I went straight to google and did loads of 'asexuality tests.' And I scored pretty highly on all of them, some saying I was a 'romantic asexual' because I love the companionship part of a relationship. But I'm still confused and I feel like a completely different person to who I was a few days ago. I think I'm in denial?

I'm 21 years old, female, heterosexual, living with my partner of 2 and a half years, we recently got engaged, I love him so much and he means the world to me. But we've always had a relationship that's not built on sex, because I had always assumed that I have a very low libido compared to him, we have sex but maybe once a week or once a fortnight, and it's honestly because I am not bothered with it, not just that, but I will actively make excuses to get out of it, and when my fiancée gets all touchy feely, and I know he's going to make a move, in my mind I am sighing deeply to myself and saying 'ugh do we HAVE to' in my head. It's gotten to the point when I feel so guilty and horrible because I feel like he thinks I'm not attracted to him, or that he's bad in bed, or that I'm bored with him or something, and that's not the case, I've been with someone else before him and it's all the same. It's strange though, I never really thought about it until the other day but I don't think I'm really sexually attracted to anyone. I think that my fiancée is gorgeous and I am attracted to him, but I never look at him, or anyone really and think that I'd like to have sex with them. Some people are just nice to look at. 

I feel like when I do have sex,I do it for him, and I don't know if that's right. I'm terrified of telling him that I think I am asexual, I'm afraid it will break apart our relationship. I honestly don't know how he will react and it worries me.

Hi! I am a virgin and currently dating a guy. I feel you. He thinks I am not attracted to him and that I don't trust him enough since I refuse to have sex. Not sure how this will end but I like him so much and he is so nice and I don't want to lose what we have. It is perfectly normal to be romantic AND asexual. That's my case too. I am so romantic that I am biromantic haha But I don't experience sexual attraction, I could go on without having sex my whole life because it is something I don't need and I prefer to masturbate instead of making love to my boyfriend or having sex in general. I like to stare at people who seem goodlooking to me and I feel attracted to their faces or features but I am never attracted to their bodies or think that I want to have sex with them. I even find kissing gross if I don't know the person or feel something towards them. Sexuality is a really complex matter, in the sense that It's not all the same. There are asexuals who feel positive about sex and may do it because they want their partner to feel good just like you for example. I honestly don't feel the need to come out as asexual. I know which guys I can date and those I can't date because they think sex is the most important part in a relationship. I was lucky to find a guy that thinks that relationships should be about other things and sex or making love like he calls it is just something that completes the relationship but it's not necessary. Your partner seems a lot into sex to me and you seems the opposite...I think you should talk to him about this. If he loves you it shouldn't be a problem to him. You may tell him that you don't feel like having sex a lot because you don't feel like it, you could explain to him what asexuality is but he may get it all wrong and get scared, so i dont think that would be a wise move. I mean, you could leave the situation like that and say nothing because honestly it's not like you HAVE to come out, but it seems to me like having sex too much bothers you so i think you should talk your partner into this somehow...he continues to act this way because he thinks it doesn't bother you to have sex everytime he feels like it, he has no idea so i think you should drop some hints about your asexuality or lack of sexual desire.

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