Sexual being told their love is not sexual, needing advice

[creatureofaday]

I've been dating this boy for maybe half a year. Things picked up quite quickly- the coincidences in our lives, the incredible energy we felt together, and this immediate understanding we both had for each other. We started only spending time with each other and no one else. Yes, it was sexual. He initiated a lot of it as well and seemed extremely sexually attracted to me and  I've never really had a partner I felt more sexually compatible with to be honest. And time went on and there were more moments where he would say "I don't want to have sex tonight" and things along that genre, I was always completely accepting of it, but under the assumption it was just a mood he was in.

He loved me, I know he did. The things he would say to me and the way he treated me made me feel so special at times. We traveled together and had many plans for the future. It always just me and him. We were lovers and best friends, always knowing how the other was feeling.

When the holidays came around things started to take a turn. We went to opposite sides of the country to be with family for a month, minus one night in the middle of the month where we met  up in New York City,  and of course that night he couldn't have sex, which was fine with me but it made me curious. So its been some time since I've seen him, I returned back to where I live today and asked if he wanted to see me through text message. His messages were so distant and he said he didn't want to see me and it upset me so much so I called him. I asked why he wasn't excited for me to be back and he said it's just that he doesn't to have sex anymore (for spiritual and awareness reasons).

I was not surprised, but to be honest, I was still devastated. I think his choice  is beautiful.  It's just I do not want to lose any meaning in our relationship that was there before and It is hard for me. He says he wants to be friends and hang out and even "date" but I wasn't sure what "dating" entailed. I don't know if I would necessarily label him as asexual? He said on the phone that he would believe in sex after years of knowing the person and after marriage. It was a difficult phone call and he got pretty rude to me at times, saying no one should be having sex as it is unhealthy, and I argued that you can't speak for all people.

 I just really do not want to lose the intimacy we have. I understand this is a special and personal journey he is embarking on but I can not help but feel miserable about it knowing I may not be waking up next to him in bed anymore. I've never felt a connection like  I have to him, and there's no one I want to be with or have sex with than him. Please some advice!!! I need better ways to cope with this news and I hate the idea that I am acting selfish right now!

Thank you so much 

Much Love

[Moophie]

There are a number of things this could possibly be. He may be asexual, he may have found some crazy restrictive religion, something else may have changed his point of view, he may be lying for some reason. And it may be none of the above. It's impossible for any of us to know.

 

My motto in relationships is communication. Always. 

 

Yes, you need to consider his feelings and goals, but he also needs to consider yours. But it's also the individual's job to clearly communicate what they want.

 

It sounds like this might be going on for a while now? I'd like to suggest you think about what it is you want. And really think, calm down, take a breath and consider what it is you want for the future, your relationship, etc. And then communicate that to him, stay calm and have that serious conversation.

 

Hopefully you're both able to calmly work something out. If not, you may need to consider some things.

[Bezzy-Loo]

"Sex is unhealthy" and "no one should be having it"? Sex can be unhealthy, absolutely, but it isn't inherently so...

 

It sounds like you're doing your best, so you do not need to feel ashamed or selfish. Just keep working at figuring out how your relationship will be continuing. If that is without sex, and you feel this can work for you so long as the love remains, then go for it (so long as you go in with eyes open). If it's with sex as a future thing, great. It it's a mere potential thing, that absolutely means it might never be sexual again. Again, if you feel you can be okay with that (being completely honest with yourself), then that's fine.

 

However, if sex is not expected to be a part of things again and you don't feel you can be happy with that, it is not selfish to end the relationship. All parties in a relationship need to be in agreement about where compromises will be made, and it isn't fair for either of you to put it somewhere where one of you will be unhappy and probably become bitter toward the other. Similarly, it sounds like his beliefs might end up putting any attempts you might make to take care of sexual needs yourself as bad, so that would be something else to discuss.

 

I wish you the best.