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will123

How Much of Your Life Have You Been Asexual?

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will123

This question is directed at the Aces in their 50s and 60s. How much of your (adult, 16+) life have you known you were asexual? Have you lived most of it asexual or have just realized recently?

 

About ten years ago I began to question my sexuality. Not whether I was straight or gay, but whether I was interested in sex at this point in life. I had heard of the term asexual, high school biology, but not much in a way related to the human condition. After a small amount of research I figured this might apply to me, since relationships and sex meant very little to me. It wasn't any kind of "a ha" moment. I didn't put a lot of thought into it.

 

A couple of years later i was reading a newspaper article about asexuals. It explained things a bit more and included a reference to AVEN. I checked out the site and surfed around. I'm not sure if I signed up or not. But was somewhat interested. Then last week I jumped back into the forum with both feet.

 

Doing the math I have thought myself as being asexual for 25% of my adult life.

 

 

 

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faraday☘

I'm not quite 50, but I thought I'd chime in anyway.:D

 

Although I didn't discover the asexual community until 2015, since I was "dating" age, I've always pretty much known.  Ask any child about sex and they'd respond "ew gross!!"  But in high school when my peers would talk about making-out or sex, I'd still have the ew gross thoughts.  I was in high school during the 80s, so talking about sex wasn't as common as it was now.  However, the topic came up usually in the context "once we get married" kind of thing.  I had absolutely no interest or even curisody.  However, since it was considered the norm and it was expected, I figured it would be a part of my life when I got married.  But nope...nothing changed.  I've actually never had sex.  

 

       

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coyote55

I've lived my whole life as an asexual, but it wasn't commonly recognized when I was young - academically, asexuals were rated as "X" (no social-sexual contacts or responses) on the Kinsey scale, but most people just thought of it as a type of sexual dysfunction. I had recognized by the time I was 15 or 16 that I was different from other guys, and suspected there were a few people like me scattered through the population, but didn't know for sure until I came across an article about asexuality back in 2013. That led me to AVEN a few years ago. I'm 61.

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Muledeer

You have posed two different questions here.  

How long have I known I was asexual? about ten years and I'm 53.  My best friend first introduced me to the term asexual and I knew it fit me.  I read that article in the NYT a few years ago and then I, too discovered AVEN.

How long have I "been" asexual?  most of my life except for about five years during my late 20's when I had a couple of longer term sexual relationships with great girlfriends.

Until I discovered that asexuality was an orientation, I thought I was just celibate and could become sexual at will, which led to much internal strife leading me to wonder if I was abnormal or gay.

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ashpenaz

When I was in 7th grade, a girl turned around to me in class and asked, "If you had a naked woman and a Monopoly board on a bed, what would you do?" I immediately said, "Play Monopoly." When I was a senior, a guy and I got drunk and slept next to each other--I remember that as the most satisfying night of my life. I've had a lot of chances to have sex, but I've never wanted to do it. I'm in my 50s now, and I can't remember a time when I wanted to have sex. I do have occasional sexual attraction--I tend to be fraysexual when it comes to men and demisexual when it comes to women. But the sexual parts of the feelings have never been something I've felt driven to act upon. Most of the time, I'm not attracted to anyone.

 

I wish I'd heard of asexuality when I was in my teens, trying to sort myself out. Everyone was telling me I was gay, and back then, gay meant having a lot of sexual partners (and drugs). I just didn't get what all that was about. I identified as gay by default, but it didn't really work for me. When I discovered asexuality, I found a group of people who felt the same way I did, and it has been very liberating.

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fuzzipueo
1 hour ago, Ƒaraday said:

I'm not quite 50, but I thought I'd chime in anyway.:D

 

Although I didn't discover the asexual community until 2015, since I was "dating" age, I've always pretty much known.  Ask any child about sex and they'd respond "ew gross!!"  But in high school when my peers would talk about making-out or sex, I'd still have the ew gross thoughts.  I was in high school during the 80s, so talking about sex wasn't as common as it was now.  However, the topic came up usually in the context "once we get married" kind of thing.  I had absolutely no interest or even curisody.  However, since it was considered the norm and it was expected, I figured it would be a part of my life when I got married.  But nope...nothing changed.  I've actually never had sex.  

 

       

This ^^ post is pretty much like my experience, only I knew I had no interest in ever getting married, nor did it seemed expected of me (at least my parents never made a big deal of the idea - beyond mom making a joke about eloping because it would be cheaper than having a wedding ...). Like Faraday, I'm about 3 years off of being 50, but I've known since I was old enough to understand what sex is. I knew I wanted nothing to do with it and, yeah, I have to agree about the "ew gross" thoughts! LOL Even now, I have to skip/skim over the more graphic descriptions or depictions of it.

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will123
On 1/15/2017 at 10:01 PM, fuzzipueo said:

I knew I had no interest in ever getting married, nor did it seemed expected of me (at least my parents never made a big deal of the idea

Sounds like my parents as well. They knew I've had female friends over the years, but there was never any, "When are you and so and so going to be steady?" 

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daveb

How long have I known? Since about the time I joined AVEN  (around 7 years ago?). Have long have I been asexual? All of my life.

 

I never thought of it as gross, mostly because I never knew enough about it. I have always found women attractive and just thought that once I got into a relationship sex would be part of it and I would enjoy it (because "everyone" acts like it's the greatest thing). I do experience aesthetic attraction, but never got aroused by pictures like lots of my peers seem to. When I finally did get into a relationship that developed to the point of having sex I tried and never knew why it wasn't working for me. Even got some help from doctors. I mostly found it boring (and a little "ew, gross" if I think about it). I just thought I needed more of a connection and closeness to someone to enjoy sex than did many of my male peers. Turns out, nope. Even a close emotional connection didn't help. It was boring anyway. Some of the non-sexual physical closeness was better (cuddling (with clothes on, and when it wasn't too hot weatherwise), facial caresses, back scratching, for example; kissing, not so much, I still find that a bit weird and awkward).

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Delete account please

My whole life.

 

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Assemble

I probably think about sex more than I should.

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will123
4 hours ago, will123 said:

Doing the math I have thought myself as being asexual for 25% of my adult life.

 

 

 

And likely asexual all my life. I never felt any urge to have sex as a teenager (like everyone else that I knew was) but never really thought much of it. I just thought I'd "develop" later.

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Mocha Jo

I suppose I have been asexual my whole life. I ruined 2 marriages by not knowing it, and wasted a lot of my life by not recognizing an essential part of myself. I didn't actually "know" about asexuality until about 2 years ago when I found AVEN. It was an eye opener and it has made me realize that I am going to spend the rest of my life being just me. Unfortunately, it looks like between being 60 and being ace I am going to be alone for the rest of my life, too. The down side right there.

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Techie

I have known I was asexual since October 2013 as that is when I actually learned that sexual and romantic attraction were two different things.  Until that time, I just assumed I was heterosexual without the drive to actually date or have sex.  When I was in high school, I did find it rather strange to hear guys talking about wanting to "nail" a girl or having what I considered animalistic type interests in girls.  I certainly recognized the attractive girls and did feel a desire to want to be near them but I never felt a desire to get naked with them.  I always assumed that was how humans worked.  I did not realize that most humans feel sexual desire as a type of hunger.  I accept that assessment but have never experienced it myself.

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asfi

Pretty much exactly two months ago* I decoupled sexual from romantic attraction, and my sexuality started to make a lot more sense.

 

I'm still trying to re-evaluate what's been going on with me, and how to explain it all to others. Presently I consider myself to be pretty unambiguously panromantic but to be honest about it the jury's still out on the grey-A part. Still figuring it out!

 

And yeah, I'm in my early fifties and have been romantically/sexually active, off and on, for about 30 years.....better late than never.

 

*I could tell you precisely when, down to the exact hour.....I saved a huge raft of tumblr posts then.

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teatree

<... when I actually learned that sexual and romantic attraction were two different things.  Until that time, I just assumed I was heterosexual without the drive to actually date or have sex.> (Quoted from Techie's post)

 

Exactly!!!!! When that dawned on me, it was a turning point.

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will123

Reading your replies and that of some of the younger members, would I be correct in saying that they have it easier resource-wise and education than us older Aces who lived quite a while before the 'net existed?

 

In my case, I wasn't interested in sex during let's say, 1985. In that era a person was either hetero- or homosexual, and possibly bisexual. Those pigeonholes more or less left "us" who wanted no part of sex with another person out in the cold. Imagine going to your local public or high school library (if you were a teen) and asking the librarian if they had any books for people that had no interest in sex?

 

I'd like you all to know I really understand how you have felt over the years as bits and pieces of your experiences match mine. Thanks.

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fuzzipueo
2 hours ago, will123 said:

Reading your replies and that of some of the younger members, would I be correct in saying that they have it easier resource-wise and education than us older Aces who lived quite a while before the 'net existed?

I would say that's a fairly accurate summation. In some ways I envy the younger generations (access to info, more open culture when it comes to discussions), in others, I'm glad I had the experiences I've had (lack of social pressure to conform). 

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will123
22 minutes ago, fuzzipueo said:

In some ways I envy the younger generations (access to info, more open culture when it comes to discussions), in others, I'm glad I had the experiences I've had (lack of social pressure to conform). 

I'm kind of confused (it's not hard), were your experiences positive or negative when you younger?

 

I may not be picking up on your point. Mind you I've been hammering my memory pretty hard on another thread tonight.

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Waikia

My first sexual experience happened when I was about 6....lots of giggling and thrill about doing something "bad" .... 

My next experience was nonconsensual (18yo)  The one after that involved being drugged at a college party, and no to little memory of actual "events".  (19yo). So, understanding sexuality and identity had a precarious start.  When dating my ex-husband (college age), no recollections of pleasurable sex...just did it, read my book, or went to sleep.  I'd say I have been asexual all my life, but no knowledge of it or opportunity presented itself to see it as a way of life.  My interest was so nil, that reading or exploring anything to do with sexuality didn't happen.  Always busy doing other things.  Younger generations naturally turn to the net where there is everything anyone could possibly learn available instantly.  And, like you fuzzi, mixed feelings about it all.  

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Icelandic WinterDragon

I've been asexual my whole life and never been sexual either and have no desire to become sexual. I knew I was different but never knew it by name until 2013 and again and looked asexuality up I looked into it, researched it and came to AVEN after I understood who I was and knew I was not alone. I noticed I preferred women over males as being hot that I was also Homoramntic and still am. I planning staying single and put my priorities toward my future career with USGS and keep my focus within this area of interests and not have anyone to worry about. I been pursuing this since the mid 90s when I was in grade school. I'm stress,anxiety and depression free and being single will keep it that way.

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will123
1 hour ago, Shieldmaiden WinterDragon said:

I've been asexual my whole life and never been sexual either and have no desire to become sexual. I knew I was different but never knew it by name until 2013 and again and looked asexuality up I looked into it, researched it and came to AVEN after I understood who I was and knew I was not alone. I noticed I preferred women over males as being hot that I was also Homoramntic and still am. 

How old are you S

W?

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Icelandic WinterDragon
Just now, will123 said:

How old are you S

W?

do not ask my age.

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will123
29 minutes ago, Shieldmaiden WinterDragon said:

do not ask my age.

Sorry. But you are older? The reason I asked is that going by the responses, these older Aces have been asexual for a long time. In my case, 40 years (assuming at age 15 you're supposed to know what to do with your genitals).

 

I'm going to go out on a limb and say that somewhere in our "development" biologically we're asexual and it's not something we ourselves decide to be.

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Icelandic WinterDragon
43 minutes ago, will123 said:

Sorry. But you are older? The reason I asked is that going by the responses, these older Aces have been asexual for a long time. In my case, 40 years (assuming at age 15 you're supposed to know what to do with your genitals).

 

I'm going to go out on a limb and say that somewhere in our "development" biologically we're asexual and it's not something we ourselves decide to be.

Yes, I'm far older tat what you assumed, in terms it's the reason why I said all my life. I've been out of school since early 2000s.  Since then I have not stopped pursuing  my full career with USGS. No worries how ever, I'm almost 30, I'm homoromantic and been back when I was in school. I stayed to myself and researched volcanoes and earthquakes during lunch in school and now do online stuff with USGS .  

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fuzzipueo
11 hours ago, will123 said:
12 hours ago, fuzzipueo said:

In some ways I envy the younger generations (access to info, more open culture when it comes to discussions), in others, I'm glad I had the experiences I've had (lack of social pressure to conform). 

I'm kind of confused (it's not hard), were your experiences positive or negative when you younger?

 

I may not be picking up on your point. Mind you I've been hammering my memory pretty hard on another thread tonight.

Well, to, hopefully, clarify further, I mean that I envy the younger generations who've had Google and other such places to explore their preferences and the possibilities of being interested in something other than what their friends might be doing. By the same token, though I could be wrong, I'm glad I grew up in the 80s when there seemed (at least to me) to be less peer/social pressure to have sex when you might not be ready for it or not want it.* Admittedly, I isolated myself in high school and my parents never made a big deal about dating or other such things either.

 

*I'm going by what I've seen not only here on the forum, but also in pop culture (TV-Movies-Books[1]), and other sources, like my niece who's in middle school right now.

     [1] I occasionally read YA/NA fiction and sometimes come across things like girls who are only just turning a certain age (16 say) and are worried that they'll never get kissed. I find this a ridiculous thing to worry about, but I figure since it's showing up in fiction, it really is something some girls actually worry about. And a google search: http://www.girlsaskguys.com/dating/q58073-sweet-16-never-been-kissed

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will123
2 minutes ago, fuzzipueo said:

By the same token, though I could be wrong, I'm glad I grew up in the 80s when there seemed (at least to me) to be less peer/social pressure to have sex when you might not be ready for it or not want it.* Admittedly, I isolated myself in high school and my parents never made a big deal about dating or other such things either.

Fuzzi, that clears things up. Your growing up in the 80s seems different than my teen years in the late 70s. Growing up in a middle class city high school, there was a lot of pressure sexually. I wasn't isolated from my classmates, but sexual discussions made me uncomfortable.

 

I was never into the party scene. When classmates and friends were going to parties, dances or football games, you could find me babysitting kids of the family that owned the local car dealership. 

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fuzzipueo
5 minutes ago, will123 said:

Fuzzi, that clears things up. Your growing up in the 80s seems different than my teen years in the late 70s. Growing up in a middle class city high school, there was a lot of pressure sexually. I wasn't isolated from my classmates, but sexual discussions made me uncomfortable.

Keep in mind that the AIDS epidemic kinda put the breaks on the whole sexual revolution stuff too. It was just safer not to play Russian Roulette that way. For a long time, I was sure that was part of why I didn't want sex, though I know more about myself now to know that while it was a factor, it wasn't the whole enchilada.

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Muledeer
8 hours ago, fuzzipueo said:

Keep in mind that the AIDS epidemic kinda put the breaks on the whole sexual revolution stuff too. It was just safer not to play Russian Roulette that way. For a long time, I was sure that was part of why I didn't want sex, though I know more about myself now to know that while it was a factor, it wasn't the whole enchilada.

It wasn't just AIDS in the 80's.  I remember when genital herpes was first discovered around 1980 and that was just one more reason to be careful.  Before that, a shot of penicillin cured almost any VD you could imagine.  I wonder how much the advent of these "new" diseases during our youth factored into our asexuality?

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daveb

Well, I was in junior high and high school from the late 60s to early 70s, basically coming of age during the height of the sexual revolution, when sex, drugs and rock & roll were the mantra of the day. I didn't get into any of those. I think asexuality (at least in my case) is innate. :)

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will123
2 hours ago, Muledeer said:

It wasn't just AIDS in the 80's.  I remember when genital herpes was first discovered around 1980 and that was just one more reason to be careful.  Before that, a shot of penicillin cured almost any VD you could imagine.  I wonder how much the advent of these "new" diseases during our youth factored into our asexuality?

 

31 minutes ago, daveb said:

Well, I was in junior high and high school from the late 60s to early 70s, basically coming of age during the height of the sexual revolution, when sex, drugs and rock & roll were the mantra of the day. I didn't get into any of those. I think asexuality (at least in my case) is innate. :)

I'm going to have to agree w/ daveb on this one. I was 18 at the start of 1980. Up until this point I hadn't had any interest in sex with either gender. AIDS hadn't been discussed in the 70s, so I don't think the AIDS "scare" had anything to do with my asexuality.

 

I was going to post about us "older" folks. Since most of us older Aces have felt we were asexual for many years before we knew/realized what it was, that our asexuality is in fact innate or genetic. I'm not a scientist or geneticist, but I have stayed at a Holiday Inn in the past. 

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