Sexual woman not wanting to share the bed

[happynina]

I am a sexual female who has an asexual boyfriend ... well, he is currently my ex but we are trying to figure things out (I think). Its all very confusing and raw at the moment.

Anyway, we were talking about some stuff and I said I want to have my own bed.

He was extremly hurt since he really enjoys sleeping naked together. However I have found myself not being able to fall asleep properly, if he is in the bed. I don't know why. I have not had that problem really in other relationships and was wondering if it has to do with him being asexual?

I almost dread sharing the bed with him, like he does with sex. I prefer to keep my clothes on and try to wiggle away as soon as I can.

Again as I said I have not had this problem really with others and was wondering if other people have experienced the same? 

[MoviesNMuseums]

Of the two people I know in real life who have self-identified as asexual, both of them have been described by others to me as "creepy," "weird," or "Off."  The asexual man has had a very happy, and very touchy-feely wife for about ten years now.  The asexual woman...  If she chose to sleep in bed with me, I'd be in heaven.  On the other hand, when I invited her to go shooting with myself and some friends, the guy who was organizing the trip refused to let her near any of his guns...

 

So, some people might get uncomfortable with asexual people, but I don't think it relates directly to them being asexual.

 

I myself have a fairly low sex drive, but I really enjoy lying in bed with my partner.  I had one who felt safe with me, and loved taking naps with me.  I really enjoyed that relationship, and let it go on for almost two years, even though we both were pretty sure it wasn't going to work in the long run.  I had another who seriously thought she had to have sex with me every time my penis even began to show signs of erection, and that relationship barely lasted for a month.  She was pretty good in bed, but I missed sleeping with her more than I missed having sex with her. 

 

I suspect that if you and your partner can't figure out a way to share the bed, he's not going to be happy with the relationship.  I can, and will offer some suggestions, but this is probably really something for the two of you to work out.

 

Suggestion 1:  Perhaps the fact that he is snuggling up to you leaves you feeling a bit trapped.  Maybe another position, where you know you can move away at any moment would be less uncomfortable for you.

 

Suggestion 2: Perhaps you're feeling sexually unfulfilled.  Men who feel unfulfilled in a relationship are sometimes encouraged to try masturbating just before you meet to relieve some of the tension.  I personally don't think that's good advice, but I guess it's something you could try.

[Moophie]

I can't even sleep in the same room as another person or animal. My ears are stupid sensitive and any noise is too distracting.

 

Anyway, I can sympathize at least somewhat.

 

I don't feel comfortable suggesting why this may be happening with this particular person. But if you haven't told him the same things you just told us, I highly encourage you to do so. It comes across as very reasonable and hopefully he'd understand, even if emotions are high. But, at the very least, you should probably try sleeping apart at least once and see how you feel.

 

Sorry you two are having troubles, though. Good luck!

[AshenPhoenix]

I assume since you say you've talked to him you've explained most of what you've told us. So I'll just jump into it.

 

Firstly, I don't really think it's odd to want to not sleep with someone. I used to be similar, in my first relationship I would randomly decide I didn't want to sleep with my boyfriend that night and head out to the couch. This bothered him in the beginning, but I explained to him sometimes I just really wanted to sleep alone to recharge and not have to worry about the other person in bed and/or just needed a break from it. I usually liked sleeping in the same bed with him. But sometimes, things could get annoying, like the fact that he moved a lot in his sleep, or the body heat of two people (summer was so evil). Anyway... Just letting you know at the very least you're not alone on the topic.

 

As to solutions, I would think about discussing two things. As @MoviesNMuseums mentioned, do you think you're potentially sexually frustrated? Sleeping naked together will... Do that... Maybe you're simply having an inner conflict because you know you don't really want to try and bring up sex because he dreads it, but you dread sleeping together because it really brings all that to the surface?

 

Secondly, try sleeping apart for a few nights. Like I said I was usually in the same boat, but I would just take little "vacations" from sleeping in the same bed as my partner, because I liked both. Maybe if you explain that you like sleeping with your clothes on, and he agrees to do that for you, you can take a break from it, collect your thoughts, and see how you feel afterwards?

[sindi]

On 16.1.2017 at 3:12 AM, MoviesNMuseums said:

Of the two people I know in real life who have self-identified as asexual, both of them have been described by others to me as "creepy," "weird," or "Off."  The asexual man has had a very happy, and very touchy-feely wife for about ten years now.  The asexual woman...  If she chose to sleep in bed with me, I'd be in heaven.  On the other hand, when I invited her to go shooting with myself and some friends, the guy who was organizing the trip refused to let her near any of his guns...

 

So, some people might get uncomfortable with asexual people, but I don't think it relates directly to them being asexual.

 

Ehhh... what? Are you saying that your sample size of 2 asexuals is enough to determine, that it's common for asexuals to be perceived as creepy and off??

[Telecaster68]

Quote

Are you saying that your sample size of 2 asexuals is enough

That's tons, for AVEN.

[Guest]

1 hour ago, sindi said:

Ehhh... what? Are you saying that your sample size of 2 asexuals is enough to determine, that it's common for asexuals to be perceived as creepy and off??

Yeah a lot of asexuals here you'd never know they're asexual unless they say so, and that doesn't automatically make people assume they're strange.

 

On 16/01/2017 at 1:32 PM, happynina said:

I am a sexual female who has an asexual boyfriend ... well, he is currently my ex but we are trying to figure things out (I think). Its all very confusing and raw at the moment.

Anyway, we were talking about some stuff and I said I want to have my own bed.

He was extremly hurt since he really enjoys sleeping naked together. However I have found myself not being able to fall asleep properly, if he is in the bed. I don't know why. I have not had that problem really in other relationships and was wondering if it has to do with him being asexual?

I almost dread sharing the bed with him, like he does with sex. I prefer to keep my clothes on and try to wiggle away as soon as I can.

Again as I said I have not had this problem really with others and was wondering if other people have experienced the same? 

I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting to sleep in your own bed, but I'd personally consider.. er.. if working on this relationship would be the best thing for you if it makes you that uncomfortable to be naked in bed with him. It would be different if you felt that way with all your partners, but it just being him makes it seem there's something more going on for you. Like maybe your body is reacting with repulsion to the idea of being naked with him because it's like, a subconscious reaction, a "pulling away" from the knowledge of not being desired sexually. I've seen a sexual person on this site before that at some point they stopped wanting sex with their ace partner, or if the ace tried to initiate sex for the sake of their sexual partner, the partner didn't want it and would pull away even though they're the sexual (they had said something along those lines anyway). Not being desired sexually can be a massive turn off and could make someone extremely uncomfortable if they're in a situation where they would be happiest being desired sexually, so I can see why you'd want to pull away, not be naked with him, and sleep in another bed (unless it's caused by something else. Finding a partner is cheating on you can cause that same sort of reaction as well, all sorts of things can). But yeah if he makes you feel like that, and if you not wanting to sleep naked with him makes him unhappy, it seems like you both have a lot of challenges ahead in this relationship.

 

Also, I personally think it's quite rude of him to want to sleep naked with you if he's ace so doesn't desire you sexually. In my experience, the more naked you are, the more a sexual person desires sexual intimacy so expecting that with a sexual person (sleeping naked together) seems really off to me if the sexual isn't comfortable with it. I totally understand asexuals sleeping together naked or a mixed couple if they're both fine with it.. But if either partner is uncomfortable with it it just doesn't seem like something that should be pushed and an asexual should know it might be more comfortable for the sexual to both be fully clothed if sex won't ever be an option.

[Telecaster68]

Quote

I've seen a sexual person on this site before that at some point they stopped wanting sex with their ace partner, or if the ace tried to initiate sex for the sake of their sexual partner, the partner didn't want it and would pull away even though they're the sexual (they had said something along those lines anyway). 

If it wasn't me,  it could've been. After enough rejections and being told your partner doesn't desire you, self protection kicks in and you suppress seeing them as a sexual being. The pain at the absence of a sexual connection is still there and so is one's libido, and you still desire them. You just don't want to keep poking the raw wound. 

 

Makes sense to me that not wanting to share a bed could be the same kind of thing. Bed is a metonym of sex for sexuals after all. 

[MrDane]

To me, it would be ok to sleep in an other room.  We usually have made an agreement about whether or not it is sex tonigth. (Im sexual, she is not) we use the beds to sleep in, not talk nor cuddle.

[Lara Black]

Hello, Nina.

My situation is similar in some ways. I love being in bed with my asexual partner, but I feel a bit shy being naked around him. I can be called a nudist, I don’t wear clothes at home (not at my parents’ place, nor all through my first marriage), but with him I really feel naked – like most people describe when they want to cover parts of their bodies. Same goes for him – he doesn’t take off his underwear in front of me, and a part of me is relieved about that, even though I adore his body. It’s very strange for me to feel that way about someone’s nudity or my own. And I do feel that it’s somehow related to his asexuality.

So, if your question is whether or not someone else felt some changes when in a relationship with an asexual, I did. It doesn’t bother us, though – I feel like he doesn’t want me to be totally naked, so, in response to his feelings, I don’t want to take off all my clothes. With you it seems to be different.

[Private]

On 1/15/2017 at 7:32 PM, happynina said:

I am a sexual female who has an asexual boyfriend ... well, he is currently my ex but we are trying to figure things out (I think). Its all very confusing and raw at the moment.

Anyway, we were talking about some stuff and I said I want to have my own bed.

He was extremly hurt since he really enjoys sleeping naked together. However I have found myself not being able to fall asleep properly, if he is in the bed. I don't know why. I have not had that problem really in other relationships and was wondering if it has to do with him being asexual?

I almost dread sharing the bed with him, like he does with sex. I prefer to keep my clothes on and try to wiggle away as soon as I can.

Again as I said I have not had this problem really with others and was wondering if other people have experienced the same? 

Well, because you state you are sexual, perhaps sleeping next to him naked causes you to feel sexual and to want sex, so you are trying to avoid those feelings.

 

If you do not feel this way about other men, as you mentioned, it does appear to be something you need to pay attention to. You have to figure out if being asexual for life is something you can truly live with and still be happy. 

 

What is it you enjoy about the relationship, that keeps you together, even though you are sexual and he is asexual?

[happynina]

All you guys' input has been freaking amazing! I have learned so much and had "aha-moments" from each reply. So thank you!

 

I think it is a combination of feeling somewhat "betrayed", frustrated and going in self-protection mode. But also angry. Why should I take my clothes off? He always jumps naked in bed and the first thing he asks is for me to take off my clothes. I think he once made a joke about the bed being a clothes-free zone. I feel like he expects/demands of me to be naked, while if I demand or expect sex, I am being inconsiderate/pushy/weird. 

 

That is one thing that really has bothered me. I have been adored and worshipped for my skills in bed in the past and through that I felt very good/validated and protected. Safe! My so called skills are now seen as useless and disgusting, or just something that he rather not have and I feel hurt but most importantly, I don't feel that safety anymore. I used to feel loved and safe with sex and I don't have that protection anymore and do not know how to feel those things without sex.

 

Sex was always something that made me feel good, and now sex is something that makes me feel bad. Like I should be ashamed for having sexual feelings.

 

He has made me feel weird for being sexual. He once told me that there might be something wrong with me (for being so sexual). I do not find myself too sexual. If anything, I was always bothered by my ex's, feeling they were the onces who were too sexual.

 

Anyway, I love him and wish we could find something else besides sex that would make me feel safe, bring us closer together and understand each other better, and that we both enjoyed deeply. And only enjoyed by the two of us.

[Telecaster68]

10 minutes ago, happynina said:

All you guys' input has been freaking amazing! I have learned so much and had "aha-moments" from each reply. So thank you!

 

I think it is a combination of feeling somewhat "betrayed", frustrated and going in self-protection mode. But also angry. Why should I take my clothes off? He always jumps naked in bed and the first thing he asks is for me to take off my clothes. I think he once made a joke about the bed being a clothes-free zone. I feel like he expects/demands of me to be naked, while if I demand or expect sex, I am being inconsiderate/pushy/weird. 

 

That is one thing that really has bothered me. I have been adored and worshipped for my skills in bed and through that I felt very good/validated. My so called skills are now seen as useless and disgusting, or just something that he rather not have and I feel hurt but most importantly, I feel not unsafe. I used to feel loved and safe with sex and I don't have that protection anymore and do not know how to feel those things without sex.

 

Sex was always something that made me feel good, and now sex is something that makes me feel bad. Like I should be ashamed for having sexual feelings.

 

He has made me feel weird for being sexual. He once told me that there might be something wrong with me (for being so sexual). I do not find myself too sexual. If anything, I was always bothered by my ex's, feeling they were the onces who were too sexual.

 

Anyway, I love him and wish we could find something else besides sex that would make me feel safe, bring us closer together and understand each other better.

Nina - those things feelings are pretty much universal amongst sexual partners of asexuals, and there just doesn't seem to be anything that quite 'does it' like sex for sexuals.

 

The solution for some is the asexual finding a way to enjoy the closeness and feeling of doing something for their partner, and the sexual accepting they'll never be actually sexually desired. Often, it means the sexual has to let go of wanting to give pleasure too. It's not a gift asexuals are interested in. It still needs constant managing though.

 

Even then, there's still a sort of grieving that something that seems so obvious, joyful, simple, natural, and free of downside to sexuals has somehow become so incredibly complicated...

[Telecaster68]

Quote

I feel not safe. I used to feel loved and safe with sex

I've just been trying to figure out this sex and safety thing because it's the same for me and I haven't been able to work out why, and why it seems to permeate the rest of the relationship. Until now, maybe.

 

Obviously you're physically vulnerable during sex, but emotionally too. At some point, you're going to be kind of out of control - immersed in the sensations and completely oblivious to how you look, sound, smell.. it's going to be the unvarnished 'you', at your best and worst. Someone saying they don't want sex is giving us the message they're just not able or willing to deal with that real you, that they're not going to keep us safe when we're vulnerable. If they feel that, how can we trust them and feel safe?

 

And the reverse holds true - giving yourself to a sexual partner like that, knowing with completely certainty that in that moment, it's their deep, deep joy to make you feel good and whatever you do they'll be there and loving because it's the real, unedited you, makes you feel safe like nothing else.

 

Not sure this is entirely clear as I'm just figuring out...

[happynina]

:')

 

Beautiful! Wow! That is exactly it! Well written!

[Private]

5 hours ago, happynina said:

That is one thing that really has bothered me. I have been adored and worshipped for my skills in bed in the past and through that I felt very good/validated and protected. Safe! My so called skills are now seen as useless and disgusting, or just something that he rather not have and I feel hurt but most importantly, I don't feel that safety anymore. I used to feel loved and safe with sex and I don't have that protection anymore and do not know how to feel those things without sex.

 

Sex was always something that made me feel good, and now sex is something that makes me feel bad. Like I should be ashamed for having sexual feelings.

 

W. I do not find myself too sexual. If anything, I was always bothered by my ex's, feeling they were the onces who were too sexual.

Happynina"

 

Well, the fact that he makes you feel weird for wanting to be sexual is very wrong, IMO.  He should not think it's weird that you want sex, and you should not think it's weird if you  do not want sex.