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New Relationship (Homoromantic) I'm Demi He's Asexual, we're encountering some "sex issues"


Milotic1209

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Hello everyone, I just want to hear some opinions, experiences. Maybe it will help me better navigate my concerns. Anyway, as the title states I'm Demi and he's asexual. He does masturbate, and is not necessarily opposed to the idea of engaging in sexual activity. (anal is out of the question for both of us btw, neither of us has ever held any interest in that particular brand of sexual expression), so I guess we're talking the possibility of mutual manual and oral stimulation at most. Now I fully understand that just because he masturbates, it doesn't mean that he's a "tease" and now is somehow required to engage in sexual acts with me. However, he confessed that he doesn't just masturbate to release tension, he has in fact masturbated while thinking about me. Thinking about making out with me and such has actually caused him to become aroused, and therefore want to masturbate. When we're in person, we do kiss and cuddle, and he once again becomes aroused. Very much so. But he seems afraid to let it go past the make out sessions. Is this a common occurrence? Do asexual people become completely turned, on but seek no release? I'm just trying to wrap my head around the idea of him being comfortable masturbating while thinking about me, but doing nothing when he actually has me there physically. It kind of doesn't make sense to me. And I honestly don't think I can handle the idea that at some point we might move in together, we'll sleep in the same bed, and he'll be next to me masturbating, thinking about me still, when I'm right next to him and can fulfill this fantasy that he's made up. *sigh* I'm just really confused. I hope this made sense...

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nanogretchen4

You haven't moved in yet, and you seem to be in the fairly early stages of the relationship. This is the time to be honest with yourself and him about this major incompatibility. If you can't handle the thought of how your sex life is likely to be once you move in, does it make sense to forge blindly ahead and move in anyway? 

 

It's not that strange to me that he could be aroused by fantasies about you yet not seem to want to have sex in real life. On the one hand, he could simply be fantasizing about making out or watching you, and that could be all he actually wants to do. On the other hand, he could be turned on by the thought of activities he considers taboo or that might be painful, unpleasant, or anatomically implausible in real life. That part is normal and no big deal. The question is, will he ever want to have any form of sex with you in real life, and will you be satisfied with the type of sex he wants to have? If he is genuinely asexual rather than in the early stages of the coming out process, I'm guessing the answer is no. So I recommend accepting that this relationship probably does not have long term potential, and not escalating the level of commitment unless or until you actually have a mutually satisfying sex life in real life.

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Start from the principle that asexuals are just as libidinous (or otherwise) as sexuals, they just don't see why anyone else should be involved in their sexuality. So the masturbation and fantasising are just about him dealing with his own sexuality. His sexual experience wouldn't be made any better by involving a real other person, so he doesn't want to do it.

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2 hours ago, Milotic1209 said:

Hello everyone, I just want to hear some opinions, experiences. Maybe it will help me better navigate my concerns. Anyway, as the title states I'm Demi and he's asexual. He does masturbate, and is not necessarily opposed to the idea of engaging in sexual activity. (anal is out of the question for both of us btw, neither of us has ever held any interest in that particular brand of sexual expression), so I guess we're talking the possibility of mutual manual and oral stimulation at most. Now I fully understand that just because he masturbates, it doesn't mean that he's a "tease" and now is somehow required to engage in sexual acts with me. However, he confessed that he doesn't just masturbate to release tension, he has in fact masturbated while thinking about me. Thinking about making out with me and such has actually caused him to become aroused, and therefore want to masturbate. When we're in person, we do kiss and cuddle, and he once again becomes aroused. Very much so. But he seems afraid to let it go past the make out sessions. Is this a common occurrence? Do asexual people become completely turned, on but seek no release? I'm just trying to wrap my head around the idea of him being comfortable masturbating while thinking about me, but doing nothing when he actually has me there physically. It kind of doesn't make sense to me. And I honestly don't think I can handle the idea that at some point we might move in together, we'll sleep in the same bed, and he'll be next to me masturbating, thinking about me still, when I'm right next to him and can fulfill this fantasy that he's made up. *sigh* I'm just really confused. I hope this made sense...

Apparently there are all different types of asexuals.

 

I do not engage in any auto erotic behavior because I have no interest or desire or libidinous urge for sex.

 

Apparently, however some people who identify as asexual do engage in auto erotic behaviors. 

 

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PurveyorOfBadPuns

Boners do not mean desire to participate in sex.  Just throwing that out there.  Your boyfriend may have become aroused for reasons other than the kissing and cuddling and not desire to have the boner dealt with or acknowledged.  Either way, this is something you're going to have a frank and potentially uncomfortable conversation about with him because all ace people are different.  I masturbate but do not desire sex.  Some do not masturbate.  Some masturbate to fantasies, some masturbate just for physical release.  I personally do not generally have fantasies when I masturbate, but when I do they tend to be other people doing things to themselves or to others who are not me, which may be what is happening with him.  You need to ask him and understand his feelings on the subject instead of crowd sourcing to us because we do not know your boyfriend.

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Your boyfriend may have become aroused for reasons other than the kissing and cuddling

That sounds like one hell of a coincidence.

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I like spaceships. I like to draw them, I like to think about them, I like to play video games where I can fly them. I can close my eyes and picture myself on the bridge, in the engine room, manning a turret...mentally I am at home in a tin can suspended in the void.

 

but if I ever had the chance to get out there, where the only concept left to sustain life is the human ideal of struggling, I don't know if I would take up that offer. even if it was something more than the little Earth orbiters we fly currently, like something truly interstellar. I think the space suit would have a heaviness that's never in my head. and that the steel grating on the entry gantry would feel wrong on my feet. the thought of never having my bare feet in grass and dirt again...

 

you can be completely at home with an idea, but the action strikes you as wholly alien. a good first step to effectively listen and communicate is to not be baffled. you don't need to viscerally  understand his point of view to accept it. if you want the easy answer here, consider the fantasy being part of his fantasy. if you are thinking about how there is no point to a real you if it's always going to be inadequate to his fantasy you, great! you have almost cornered your side of what might be a once sided issue. (I...don't give out compleat easy answers, sorry)

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I have heard of people who fantasize BDSM like stuff but even when the opportunity presents itself they never do. They don't even try finding a BDSM partner. My point is, just because you fantasize doesn't mean you would want to put that into action.

It looks like it bothers you that your BF chooses masturbation over sex with you even when you are right there. I think you should talk this with him. You may be able to handle it now, but in the long term, can you? What if you start feeling rejected in the future? I mean, think of the possible effects this may have on you and your relationship, before you move this relationship forward.

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23 minutes ago, Chihiro said:

 

It looks like it bothers you that your BF chooses masturbation over sex with you even when you are right there. I think you should talk this with him. You may be able to handle it now, but in the long term, can you? What if you start feeling rejected in the future? I mean, think of the possible effects this may have on you and your relationship, before you move this relationship forward.

I agree.  You need to talk about this and decide if you are okay with it long term.

 

 

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