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What is "love"?


Emma Nilsen

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I need help. I've been struggling a lot with this question and I decided that asking other people who identify as asexual would possibly help. 

Growing up I was always taught that love is a sexual thing and that unless you want to do sexual things with your significant other, you didn't really love them. But ever since I realized that I don't feel sexual attraction I've realized that I really don't know what love feels likes. So my question is, how do you feel love towards someone? How does it manifest itself to you? How did you discover what love felt like?

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For me, I think it's love when simply being close (like... "in the same room" close) to a person fills me with joy, even if we wouldn't do anything particularly entertaining or have a fascinating discussion at the moment. Heck, or even thinking about the person or receiving a text message from them (or something tiny like that) makes me super happy. It's almost like an addiction to the person in question. And I also would be ready to do all kinds of selfless things for them, that I wouldn't even consider doing for some random acquaintance (I'm pretty selfish normally :P ).

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As far as love toward other humans, I couldn't tell you. It's not something I have ever experienced. I am not even sure if it is an emotion I am even capable of. 

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Ok, heads up, people always tell me my views are unique. So, here goes. I quite honestly believe love and sexual attraction have zilch to do with each other. After all, most people love their parents but I really doubt they feel any sexual attraction to them. To me love is a combination of things. It's feeling safe, content and just wanting what's best for the other person. Love is when you can put your life in someone's hands and trust them without shadow of doubt to be there for you. Love is a two way street, a dance of the most complex steps. Love is something you have to constantly work with but it's also constantly rewarding. Love is those moments when it's just the two of you and the whole world just feels right. Love is those times when you hit rock bottom and they pick you up, dust you off and and give you a good shove in the right direction. Love is the times when is seems everything is falling apart then you come together and realize you wouldn't change it for the world. Love is the unspoken rule that you may drive each other crazy but only you are allowed to drive each other crazy. That is Love.

That is also why our dysfunctional family of Mom and two kids have yet to kill each other. We drive each other crazy but we wouldn't change a thing most days.

Hope that helps, though I feel I should mention I have never been in a relationship. This is from my family ties and my observations during People Watching.

   

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7 minutes ago, Kath* said:

Ok, heads up, people always tell me my views are unique. So, here goes. I quite honestly believe love and sexual attraction have zilch to do with each other. After all, most people love their parents but I really doubt they feel any sexual attraction to them. To me love is a combination of things. It's feeling safe, content and just wanting what's best for the other person. Love is when you can put your life in someone's hands and trust them without shadow of doubt to be there for you. Love is a two way street, a dance of the most complex steps. Love is something you have to constantly work with but it's also constantly rewarding. Love is those moments when it's just the two of you and the whole world just feels right. Love is those times when you hit rock bottom and they pick you up, dust you off and and give you a good shove in the right direction. Love is the times when is seems everything is falling apart then you come together and realize you wouldn't change it for the world. Love is the unspoken rule that you may drive each other crazy but only you are allowed to drive each other crazy. That is Love.

That is also why our dysfunctional family of Mom and two kids have yet to kill each other. We drive each other crazy but we wouldn't change a thing most days.

Hope that helps, though I feel I should mention I have never been in a relationship. This is from my family ties and my observations during People Watching.

   

That's a great description! Mine was more about infatuation maybe... except for the "doing selfless things" part.

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Hmm, I wouldn't know about infatuation. Never even had a crush. Generally speaking I spend most of my time in social settings trying to get Out of them. 

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5 hours ago, Emma Nilsen said:

What is "love"?

Baby, don't hurt me

Don't hurt me no more

 

 

U4LHTci.png

From what I am seeing, there are different ways to love and not all are sexual. 

I love my boyfriend but only romantically.
I love my family, but not sexually. 
I love my pets, but I don't want to have sex with them.
I love my best friend, but purely platonically. 

There are are a lot of different ways to answer this for everyone. 

But generally it's on the basis of affection, as shown above twice for the definitions of love. 
pDWOXpF.png
 

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To me love is confinement. I"m very negative about it because everyone who ever loved me just wanted to put me in a cage.

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I'm glad you raised this.  I've been through a period of intense anxiety over the difference between romantic love and other kinds.  Truth is, for me they're not that different as far as the emotional experience goes.  The little cues that society expects will tell you the difference aren't there for me, partly because I'm asexual, and partly because I'm depressed.  In the first few months of my relationship, for example, I was paranoid about the fact that my heart didn't seem to speed up when he came near me.  After discovering asexuality, I figured the heart racing thing must be sexual, not romantic, after all.  And that overwhelming rush of joy at their presence?  Still yet to feel it, but getting closer through therapy.  Oh, and that feeling of loving them more than your own family or best friends?  Pretty sure that's yet another Hollywood lie.

   As I'm approaching decision time with the wonderful man I've been dating for three years, I've asked advice from a few people about how to tell if what you have for someone is romantic love of the potentially eternal sort.  The best advice I've had, from three separate sources, is that it's steady romantic love if you desire a future with this person.  Do they share the values on which you want to build your future home (whether or not that includes children)?  How do you feel about coming home to them after a horrible day, or sharing the best moments of your life with them?  Allowing for a few minor faults, can you imagine a type of person you would rather do this with?

 

Side-point: My confusion differentiating between romantic love and other kinds has led me to wonder whether I might be an aromantic asexual.  I eventually ruled this out for the following reason.  When I realised that asexuality exists, I felt so happy.  It made so many parts of my past and present click.  The label fit right away, and I embraced it.  In contrast, the thought of being aro is not a happy one for me personally.  Of course I have nothing against aro's at all, but I really didn't want to be one.  I want to feel the thrill of romance!  I want to have a husband one day!  I have never missed sexual attraction the way that the thought being aro made me miss romance. For me, there was a clear distinction there.  

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I'm curious. Do Aromantics generally understand what love is? I mean romantically, obviously, since you can still love your parents and friends in without romance. I've been wondering if the aromantic label applies to me if I genuinely like supporting my friends' love lives and love seeing fictional characters be together, but have never had the inclination or awareness to apply it to my own life. I feel somewhat blind in the case of social cues, but I am able to pick up some of them, especially the obvious ones like blushing. But I've never been aware of someone having a crush on me, and the closest I've been to having a crush is thinking that a person is nice to be around and briefly imagining that they were in a relationship with me. Yet that fantasy thing never got further than them saying that they like me, not us, y'know, kissing, having sex, living together, going on dates.... Maybe it's just me liking attention. 

 

I remember asking my friend whether I liked a guy once, cause my feelings were all confused, and she asked if I'd like to hold hands, hug, kiss, etc. I realized, no, not really. Not with anybody, at least not then. 

I've certainly never been smitten or infatuated. I just... I don't know. Am I aromantic? It's getting to the point where I don't even differentiate between homo- or heteroromantic because why would anyone care what gender their friend was, let alone their partner? I know it matters to some people, I just barely notice anymore because I don't think romance is my thing.

 

 

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NerotheReaper

"WHAT IS LOVE!!? Baby don't hurt me! No more" 

 

Sorry I had to.

 

For me love is something about accepting someone for all their flaws, no one is a perfect human being. Everyone has their own issues, and their own battle Love is about being patient with the other person, such as not rushing them to do anything they might not like. Love is also about being there for that person, and a side point to this is to work things out not letting petty things get in the way of the bigger relationship. 

 

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10 minutes ago, NerotheReaper said:

 

 

For me love is something about accepting someone for all their flaws, no one is a perfect human being.

Yes I like that, I read a similar definition that infatuation refuses to acknowledge someone's flaws, whereas love recognises them - with effort - and accepts them - with effort.

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10 hours ago, NerotheReaper said:

"WHAT IS LOVE!!? Baby don't hurt me! No more" 

Great minds think alike :P 

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Maybe love is an individual thing.

 

Maybe love has no definitive description.

 

For me married love and sex do not have to go hand and hand.

 

Alas for a lot of people having sex with their spouse defines married love, at least for them.

 

Then of course there is motherly love, sisterly love, brotherly love, love for a friend, etc.

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I have been in love before, I think, but I can't really say what love is. I think it's different for everyone and of course there are many types of love In The world, the most common being platonic and romantic. 

My story: I fell in love with a guy in my class who I knew for a year, at first I didn't like his personality and thought that his only good aspect was his looks but after some time that changed and I realized I was in love with him. Turned out he had a girlfriend and I was just there trying not to feel jealous. Now I'm over him! 

Yep not the kind of love story that'd make you say 'awwww'

 

I think love has to do with accepting each other for who they are and not just there outer appearance. Love can hurt at times😔 but other times, it can be the best thing one has ever felt.🙂

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straightouttamordor

Love has to include empathy and compassion for your partner, if it doesn't I'm not sure if it qualifies. Discarding someone over sex then saying that you love them seems seems irrational and counter intuitive to me. Refusing to love someone in the first place because of sex, is hard for me to grasp as well. 

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Is any language as totally impoverished as English when it comes to describing love? So many nuances to it... filial love, parental love, sexual love (if you want to call it that), and so many more. It's like lumping in the whole visible color spectrum together in one word. I'd be surprised if any two people can even agree on a definition.

 

In it's sharpest focus, love (to me) has the feeling of  being totally engrossed in the presence of another person. The world drops out and there's nothing left but a silent hug, or holding hands. No words need to be said.

 

 

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On 15/01/2017 at 7:28 AM, Emma Nilsen said:

Growing up I was always taught that love is a sexual thing and that unless you want to do sexual things with your significant other, you didn't really love them.

This is definitely not true. People have sex all the time with people they don't love. So long as that is consensual it can be great fun! To me sex can be as simple as something pleasurable and satisfying (like a bar of chocolate). However, sex with someone you do love is a different thing altogether. Forget chocolate, it's more like the deep emotional connection peaks off the scale momentarily. It's like a conversation between two people who for the duration are telling one another how much they adore the other. There is no doubt in my mind that sexless relationships can be just as fulfilling as sexual relationships so you don't need to feel compelled to have sex with anyone as proof to them or yourself that you love them. You must however be true to any prospective partner from the start about who you truly are.

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On 16/01/2017 at 7:27 PM, Tracy1 said:

Alas for a lot of people having sex with their spouse defines married love, at least for them.

Not true at all. For those people you refer to sex is simply an enhanced physical expression of their love.

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CentaurianPrincess

I dream about romantic platonic love all the time. A partner's sex drive would be an obstacle to love. Their sexual desires toward me would put a damper on and suppress any love I had/would have for them.

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CentaurianPrincess
On 1/16/2017 at 1:49 AM, NerotheReaper said:

"WHAT IS LOVE!!? Baby don't hurt me! No more" 

 

Sorry I had to.

 

For me love is something about accepting someone for all their flaws, no one is a perfect human being. Everyone has their own issues, and their own battle Love is about being patient with the other person, such as not rushing them to do anything they might not like. Love is also about being there for that person, and a side point to this is to work things out not letting petty things get in the way of the bigger relationship. 

 

This song is what comes to mind when I see or hear that question. "What is love?"

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Estrella Starr

I'm pretty new here but in my experience love was also something I felt very strongly in a platonic sense. I love very hard in that regard, I love my family and my friends but when it came to someone I was supposed to be sexually in love with the feelings didn't really seem to happen. I think sex and love as two completely different things and that you can always have one without having the other. 

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On 1/20/2017 at 7:21 AM, James121 said:

Not true at all. For those people you refer to sex is simply an enhanced physical expression of their love.

Well, then, they should be able to continue to love whomever they CLAIM to love, without sex, if they truly loved them with the caveat that sex is only an enhancement to the relationship.

 

For example, if your spouse is good looking and buff, that is an enhancement to the relationship for SOME people.  However, if the buff mate stops working out and gets fat, if you truly love them for who they were rather than their buffness, you would still love them.

 

Same goes for sex, if sex is just an enhancement, then if the spouse no longer is interested in sex, it should not matter.  That is if the other spouse truly loves the asexual spouse.

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7 hours ago, Tracy1 said:

Well, then, they should be able to continue to love whomever they CLAIM to love, without sex, if they truly loved them with the caveat that sex is only an enhancement to the relationship.

 

For example, if your spouse is good looking and buff, that is an enhancement to the relationship for SOME people.  However, if the buff mate stops working out and gets fat, if you truly love them for who they were rather than their buffness, you would still love them.

 

Same goes for sex, if sex is just an enhancement, then if the spouse no longer is interested in sex, it should not matter.  That is if the other spouse truly loves the asexual spouse.

Or you can reverse that by saying, if your spouse is still interested in sex and you love them it should not matter that you aren't interested and you should continue to have a physical love life if that's important to your spouse as their feelings should count too. That is if the asexual spouse truly loves the sexual spouse. 

 

 

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