I'm confused about my gender.

[Thea James]

This has kind of always been an issue for me but to be honest I never really thought it mattered before, that there was nothing I could do because no one else seemed to feel the way I did. When I was younger I didn't care what I wore, just put on what my mother wanted me to. I did fight dresses and skirts later on though. When I started picking out my own clothes it was never anything girly. A good handful of clothes came from the boys section of the store. I wasn't a girly child. You could say tomboy I guess but honestly I don't know if that's right. I just never really associated with either gender you know? I'm middle school I continued wearing somewhat boyish clothes and I didn't do ky hair or makeup or anything like that but I did like to see it on other girls and a part of me wanted to have that to I just didn't act on it. We had a school dance and I wore a dress simply because that's what girls do right? I never thought I could wear something else. This continued in high school until my last year, which is when I started doing my hair and wearing tighter clothes, mainly just because I liked skinny jeans. I never thought about my gender. It was just there and didn't matter. That is until I met someone named Alexus, who, by the end of the year, was no longer going by Alexus. I don't recall his name for we were never close but that was the first time I realized I kinda had a say in the matter. At first I thought maybe I was trans. I always dressed amd acted like a boy, My favorite things leaning towards that gender more than female, and I was fascinated by what it would be like to have make anatomy. I wanted that feeling. It seemed more right than what I was being perceived as and yet I knew it wasn't right. There were days where I wanted people to know I was a girl, to really feel like a girl. And yet I couldn't shake the feeling of wanting to be a boy. I ignored this though and pressed on. I'm in college now and I've bought makeup but I never wear it out amd about, only in private and only for about five minutes. I like to feel like a girl. I still dress like a boy but I've bought skirts and dresses. Some days I wake up and I want to be seen as a girl, other days a boy. I haven't devoted myself to this though. I still have to longer hair, but I've wanted shorter hair for over two years. I'm worried about that adjustment though. My name doesn't feel right either. Sometimes, when I'm alone, I'll call myself Lily and other days Alex. I'm not sure it's real though. Am I just making this into something it's not or is this something that actually makes sense? Do others feel this way or is this just a part of growing up? I'm confused and i dont want to act on anything that might not be real. Maybe it's all in my head and im over thinking it and yet the idea of being Lily and Alex makes me smile and makes me happier than I've ever been but literally no one knows I have these thoughts. I just...im confused and I'm hoping maybe someone here can help me find the answers I'm looking for? Even just typing it out makes me breathe a little easier though so I'm thankful.

[Guest]

Heyo, first off welcome to AVEN

 

One of the first things I noticed when reading your post is that you relate gender to things like the clothes we wear and what we enjoy doing. So I'd first like to mention that these things have nothing to do with your gender identity. I'm a transboy and I have been my whole life, but I love stuffed animals, fluffy things, designing women's clothing, etc. I have many feminine qualities but I have always perceived myself as a male.

 

I'm not gonna tell you what you are because that comes down to you, but a piece of advice I would give is to put aside things like how you like to dress and what you enjoy doing when figuring out your identity. How do you feel on the inside? Does it change? Is it confusing or fuzzy? Or do you not feel anything at all?

 

I know that the word "feel" can be rather vague and you may not understand what it means to "feel" a gender (I personally think that "feel" isn't even the right word, but for the sake of simplicity I used it here). If you're not sure I can attempt to describe it to you.

 

Best of luck!

[Thea James]

2 minutes ago, Nai said:

Heyo, first off welcome to AVEN

 

One of the first things I noticed when reading your post is that you relate gender to things like the clothes we wear and what we enjoy doing. So I'd first like to mention that these things have nothing to do with your gender identity. I'm a transboy and I have been my whole life, but I love stuffed animals, fluffy things, designing women's clothing, etc. I have many feminine qualities but I have always perceived myself as a male.

 

I'm not gonna tell you what you are because that comes down to you, but a piece of advice I would give is to put aside things like how you like to dress and what you enjoy doing when figuring out your identity. How do you feel on the inside? Does it change? Is it confusing or fuzzy? Or do you not feel anything at all?

 

I know that the word "feel" can be rather vague and you may not understand what it means to "feel" a gender (I personally think that "feel" isn't even the right word, but for the sake of simplicity I used it here). If you're not sure I can attempt to describe it to you.

 

Best of luck!

I never really understood the whole "feel" part of identifying gender.  I don't really feel anything and yet that isn't quite right because I know there's something there I just can't quite describe it, which is why I stuck to the outer appearance things I cling to/do.  It's hard for me to explain and I'm not sure I'm describing myself right, you know?

[Tirnanog]

Hey there! Have some cake! 

I wish I could give some advice, but really all I wanted to do was say welcome and that you're not alone in the weirdness of the struggle. Weird in that you kind of need to take time to sort through your feelings and already-held notions. (It's how I was with discovering that I'm ace) Like, you'd think it was a lightbulb thing, but although I did have a lightbulb when I learned about the asexuality spectrum (as opposed to the on-off switch I imagined) I still had to fight myself for a while in figuring out where I stand. 
I feel like that might be the case with your gender. All I want to say is, keep working, fight the good fight... against your own confusion.... I think... yeah... I have no idea how talk words thing like means.

[Guest]

53 minutes ago, Thea James said:

I never really understood the whole "feel" part of identifying gender.  I don't really feel anything and yet that isn't quite right because I know there's something there I just can't quite describe it, which is why I stuck to the outer appearance things I cling to/do.  It's hard for me to explain and I'm not sure I'm describing myself right, you know?

Yes, I understand how you feel. It's quite difficult for us to describe how we "feel" a gender.

 

The truth is that we don't. Nobody "feels" a gender. What I believe to be an excellent marker is how you perceive yourself. For example, my entire childhood I thought I was a boy. I mean, I knew I was a girl but I would always think "Ha! A girl? No way!" I called myself Zach and I would copy my brother to show everyone that I was really a boy. My preteen years the feelings were still there. I didn't think much of them and I assumed once I got to puberty I'll be a lady like any other. Nope. I started embracing some things I once detested as a child, such as romance shows and fluffy things, but I still perceive myself as a boy. When I think to myself "I'm a girl" it kind of feels like I'm lying. It just doesn't seem right to say I'm a girl/woman/lady/female/etc. Girly, definitely, but not straight up girl.

 

It might not be the exact same way for you, but once I figured this out it helped confirm my thoughts that I am transgender.

[Thea James]

 

14 minutes ago, Nai said:

Yes, I understand how you feel. It's quite difficult for us to describe how we "feel" a gender.

 

The truth is that we don't. Nobody "feels" a gender. What I believe to be an excellent marker is how you perceive yourself. For example, my entire childhood I thought I was a boy. I mean, I knew I was a girl but I would always think "Ha! A girl? No way!" I called myself Zach and I would copy my brother to show everyone that I was really a boy. My preteen years the feelings were still there. I didn't think much of them and I assumed once I got to puberty I'll be a lady like any other. Nope. I started embracing some things I once detested as a child, such as romance shows and fluffy things, but I still perceive myself as a boy. When I think to myself "I'm a girl" it kind of feels like I'm lying. It just doesn't seem right to say I'm a girl/woman/lady/female/etc. Girly, definitely, but not straight up girl.

 

It might not be the exact same way for you, but once I figured this out it helped confirm my thoughts that I am transgender.

I kinda did something like that as a child.  I'd feel uncomfortable whenever someone said something like "oh you're such a pretty little girl!" because I mean i didn't think so and I didn't necessarily feel like a girl.  But I didn't feel like a boy either.  Gender wasn't really something I considered as a child.  I didn't factor it in for anyone because I didn't think it was relevant or important or anything.  I didn't start thinking about it until about ten.  I would scoff whenever someone called me a girl and I'd feel oddly pleased at being compared or called a boy or whenever my mother would tease that she had a son instead of a daughter, the rare times she did so.  But there were also times I'd get angry that some would ignore the girl side of me.  I wanted to be both and I thought that was obvious and something everyone felt and I didn't understand how they couldn't see that. I mimicked boys a lot and girls too, depending on the day.  I felt insulted whenever I wasn't considered one of the guys or treated like one either but I also felt insulted whenever it happened with girls. I always felt a step behind with both and yet I wanted to be a part of both.

[nerdperson777]

Only you can figure out your gender but if you want some labels, my guess would be agender or genderfluid. I have a friend who is agender but says they are more of a gender mimic, copying the gender of who they interact with. 

[ChickenPadSeeEew]

I'd look into multigenders, like genderqueer, genderfluid, bigender, or polygender. Many of the folk who identify as such have described similar things to you. It sounds like maybe agender and sometimes girl and sometimes guy are some possibile genders for you? Maybe your genders shift? They could even overlap at times? There are so many genders out there to consider. Trawl through an extensive lexicon and see if anything fits?

The person who runs the 'bigendering' tumblr often recommends keeping a gender diary. It's a cool idea! Just write whatever you think your gender/s are at various times. Then after a few weeks, look back and see what you learn! 

Some people describe their genders as 'flux', too, because it's like a gender increases or decreases in intensity (think of a volume knob). E.g., sometimes when they're feeling one gender, another gender is quietly 'turned on' in the background too. Only you'd know!

I flip between distinct genders, guy and girl, so it's really clear for me. (Although I've noticed more and more moments when I feel agender too, and... it's hard to explain, but I think it's like the sum effect of being two distinct genders for so many years, like guy + girl eventually equals this cumulative agender feeling in me!  ) 

[Guest]

I can't tell you what your gender is but you sound more bigender-ish to me if that's what i read from your story.

 

For me, I never really liked girlly stuff. I do like some but i don't like everything girly.  I have a masculine job but that didn't got me thinking i was transgender. I do indentify as trans though because i love to use a male name and pronouns on myself and i see myself more as a male then a female. Honestly: Why do you think that you are trans if you like to wear male clothes? I love wearing male clothes aswell as make up, perfume and purses. I have my very rare moments where i actually like wearing girl clothes but they are a very few like maybe once or twice a year. I think that it's important to research things and to see what happens from there. Nobody can define your gender for you but you can ask for advice from others. I did the same when i was searching for my identity. I hope you find the answers you are looking for!

[arekathevampyre]

i am agender , I first thought I was tomboy (borm a female)  , I like short hair and guys clothes in general . Then I thought I was genderfluid or  transgender . but in the end I realise I dont feel like either genders , so I am agender .

[Avangelica]

I think we are pretty similar. I sometimes really want to be feminine and I like dresses and stuff but other days I would much rather be masculine. I've currently have both options at my finger tips. Growing up I was pushed to a more feminine appearance which caused a lot of insecurity about my body later on because I thought I was supposed to be a girl and being a girl meant looking feminine with curves and I just don't have that. I frequently get called sir by strangers and it's a great feeling but I also feel really good about being called a lady. Neither feels exactly right but they don't feel wrong either. It depends on the day. I identify as androgynous which is where I'm most comfortable. I'm neither gender but I like appearing as both or in the middle. It's really where you feel most comfortable. I did a lot of research into all the different possibilities to help me figure out myself.