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Flirting without actually flirting?


RoseGoesToYale

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RoseGoesToYale

Flirting has always been a mystery to me. I may have tried it when I was younger, and it didn't go very well. Since identifying as asexual, I've come to see the meaning of flirting differently. Before I didn't realize it had sexual connotations for most people, and maybe that's why I got confused with it. Now it doesn't make sense to flirt with someone, even if I'm romantically attracted to them, because it might to lead to an end goal I don't want.

 

I haven't had many crushes since I came out as ace, but a stroke of awesome landed me in the same class with a guy I liked last term. History has pinned me as screwing up many times, and I really want to just get to know him more. But how can I show that I'm possibly interested in a romantic relationship without flirting? I always thought it was kind of a requirement...

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straightouttamordor

Flirting can be a confusing topic and act to asexuals. Because our end game isn't sex. The connotations of the word alone make it counter intuitive to me. I get you.

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Unfortunately, from my limited understanding, there's a huge grey area in between friendliness and flirting. I guess try to be as friendly as possible, but avoid making openly sexually-charged remarks or gestures. It's kinda hard to show interest in a romance without some flirting. And then, it's even harder to flirt while limiting the sexual connotations. Maybe find a common hobby/interest to talk about and bond over? That tends to be an nice, wholesome way to find an excuse to do something together. It'll be difficult to separate a romantic relationship from a sexual one (unless they're ace as well) so be prepared to set some boundaries if you're sex-repulsed.

 

I hope some of my suggestions are relevant. I'm hopelessly oblivious when it comes to romance, so take what I say with a grain of salt. Good luck nonetheless.

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Flirting is confusing for EVERYONE. Some people seem flirty but are just really nice, some people seem just really nice but are actually flirting. It's never the same for everyone, everyone's idea of flirting is different, everyone's attempts at flirting are different.


The only thing you can really do is be open and honest and tell the person how you feel. No trying to send signals, no trying to "flirt", no beating around the bush. Just talk to them.

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CentaurianPrincess

I would be a lot friendlier to people I didn't know if everyone else wasn't after sex. I can't do that though because friendliness gets mistaken for sexual advances. I used to be seen as flirty before I realized what that always lead to and learned when I wanted to stop having sex that I would have to be less friendly and learn to say no more.

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45 minutes ago, spacefae said:

I would be a lot friendlier to people I didn't know if everyone else wasn't after sex. I can't do that though because friendliness gets mistaken for sexual advances. I used to be seen as flirty before I realized what that always lead to and learned when I wanted to stop having sex that I would have to be less friendly and learn to say no more.

I agree with you, Spacefae. 

 

If I am nice to a man, they 95 percent of the time think I am flirting with them.   So, like you, I am afraid to be friendly, unless the person already knows I am asexual.

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straightouttamordor

You can be mean as Hades to me. I thought SOB was my pet name about the first ten years of marriage ! 

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On 1/12/2017 at 11:30 PM, MangoBanana said:

Some people seem flirty but are just really nice, some people seem just really nice but are actually flirting.

Very true. And for those of us who aren't mind readers, it's difficult and confusing.

 

The tough thing is the attitude some (not all) give when you misread them.  It ends up being either...

 

"How could you be so clueless?"

 

or

 

"How could you be so arrogant, I was just being nice"

 

WTH I don't know, I don't live in your damn head!

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  • 3 months later...
athenahono

I personally am just myself and unintentionally compliment and flirt with people. Generally my flirting is mostly just talking about what I see in them and admire in them. And usually it's things they never heard. So it makes them happy and then I'm like "oh crap I'm unintentionally flirting again." or when I actually try they sit their and blush for like 2-3 minutes. Also most of the time I don't even realize it. 

 

 

But yeah it's generally pretty confusing. 

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