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What to Say to Her


ramii1307

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Hey guys! So I'm still pretty new to all of this. I have just begun to identify as het ace and I haven't told anyone yet. My main concern is my girlfriend. We've been dating for about ten months now and I do feel love for her. Sometime in the near future, I would like to let her know about my sexuality. I am confident that she will accept me for who I am. However, I was wondering if anyone had advice on how to bring up the topic and how best to explain it. 

 

Thanks for the help!

~ a-ram1307

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straightouttamordor

Wish I could give you sage advice. But I can't, mine lead to a divorce (pending) / separation. Truth is the best option. Just come out and say it. Head on.

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Lana Overland

The right moment is important. Like not on a special day like Valentines or anniversaries, and definitely do it when you have time to talk about what it means, don't do it in passing. Does she know what asexuality is? Because that can be a good way to test the waters. Also don't ever come out when you're angry or over emotional. 

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Does saying the "truth" as you know it change anything regarding your relationship, though? My point isn't to discourage asexual visibility, but to prevent the confusion bringing it up could lead to. If saying it or not changes absolutely nothing about the way she currently perceives you, then it's unnecessary.

 

Asexuality doesn't make you any less "sexual," you should know. You can have drive and have it oriented towards nothing.

IMO whether you do say it changes nothing. If your asexuality DOES bothers her, it'll bother her regardless of whether she knows the term or not. What's left is a missionary-like mission to spread the good word about asexuality and whatnot, which somehow I doubt you'd be very much into. (At least I know I'm not...)

 

Either way it's your personal life. If things work out, good on you. If not, then find more suitable partners.

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If by near future you mean in the next month, then sure, but any longer, then no, your partner needs to know about your sexuality ASAP. By not doing so you are leading them on and keeping a very likely breaking point from them and wasting their time in a relationship that may inevitably end due to your asexuality whether they know there's a term for it or not (which is normal; most sexuals aren't compatible with asexuals). Accepting you for who you are is irrelevant to your compatibility; if she needs sex/sexual reciprocation in a relationship it's incompatibility any way you look at it no matter how much she is (or wants to be) ok with it. When coming out it needs to be simple and explicit; "I recently learned that I'm asexual; that i dont desire sex with anyone ever, and i am/am not willing to sexually compromise".

 

@Fanto By "sexual" i hope you mean masturbation and sexually compromising.

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If your girlfriend is sexual, and you have been unwilling to have sex with her, but she doesn't know why, then she is surely hurting.  Badly.  She's confused and probably assumes it's "her fault", and or that she is sexually undesirable, which is a crushing blow to her self esteem and her view of herself as a woman.  It is probably the most cruel thing you could possibly do to her.

 

ETA: Just to be perfectly clear, the cruel thing is not being asexual, it's hiding that fact from her.

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nanogretchen4

 

 

Right now your girlfriend has a lot less information about the longterm prospects for this relationship than you do, and that's not fair. You should correct this power imbalance immediately. Do not downplay the significance of your orientation. Tell her that you will never want to have sex with her, not even if she marries you. Don't confuse the issue by bringing up compromise sex in the same conversation. Don't use some fuzzy attraction based definition. Say that you will never, ever want sex with her under any circumstances. Also use the word asexual and make it clear that this is an actual sexual orientation. And refer her to AVEN so that she can do research and catch up with your current level of information. Keep in mind that you have given yourself ten months to absorb this, so don't even think of trying to hold her to any rash commitments she may make within ten months of your coming out. If she realizes that she needs to leave, now or in the future, don't try to hold on to her. If this relationship does break up, there will be nothing stopping you from coming out to all future partners no later than the third date. Or, better yet, in future you could date other asexuals in the first place.

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ask her for advice. she is your partner, so allow her to be an agent in your adventures of self discovery. tomorrow is in the future.

 

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On 13/01/2017 at 2:31 AM, a-a-ram1307 said:

Hey guys! So I'm still pretty new to all of this. I have just begun to identify as het ace and I haven't told anyone yet. My main concern is my girlfriend. We've been dating for about ten months now and I do feel love for her. Sometime in the near future, I would like to let her know about my sexuality. I am confident that she will accept me for who I am. However, I was wondering if anyone had advice on how to bring up the topic and how best to explain it. 

 

Thanks for the help!

~ a-ram1307

Hi, this is a really difficult subject I think. One of the key things is you are confident that she will accept who you are. Do you accept who she is? Relationships are two way. The subject needs to be brought to the table and quick!

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Hey guys! Thank you for all of the responses. Recently we've talked it over and we're going to try and make it work. She already knew what a sexuality is and while she was surprised, she still is willing to work with me. 

 

Y'all are the best,

~ a-a-ram1307

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