Can I be gay and asexual? Is it possible I experience aesthetic attraction but not sexual?

[Just Believe]

I'm either gay or asexual but I can't work out which I am! I am leaning towards thinking I am asexual with gay traits or I am on a sliding scale which differs at different times, but I really don't know and I hope that if anyone else has been through this they can help me.

 

So, I find men aesthetically attractive but then I don't feel like I crave a physical relationship but I do crave a strong emotional connection. It's like looking at a beautiful piece of art, it's beautiful and all, but you don't want to get funky with it.

 

The idea of sex doesn't seem appealing to me, but I don't know if that is just because I don't feel that attraction towards girls, and I suppress that attraction towards men because my upbringing and being gay are not compatible (I come from a strict religious background and being gay is not accepted). I'm also a virgin, including having never kissed anyone (despite being mid 20s) so I may not be thinking in the way that I would if I were to experience sex.

 

I swing from one day saying I'm 100% gay because I will see an attractive guy and think "dayum" to thinking I'm asexual because I don't feel anything beyond an aesthetic attraction, and I some days feel like I'm not attracted to guys or girls. And yes sometimes I find gay porn exciting, but then other times I feel nothing for it, but when I do watch it I don't think it is for the act of what is happening, but for the male body. But I know for sure that I find men aesthetically attractive, like when I watch a film, I will always notice the hot male characters, and it kills me not to join in with swooning over how gorgeous the look when the girls I work with talk about it!

 

I had a girlfriend when I was younger and I did love her so strongly emotionally but I just had no desire even to kiss her so I think it was just a seriously strong platonic relationship.

 

I think I would find a man emotionally attractive as well as aesthetically, but I have never experienced that as I've tended to gravitate to girls for friendships. I think I could enjoy snuggling and those kind of intimacies with a guy, and I feel like if he had an attractive body I would want to touch his abs, chest and muscles (sorry too much detail), which I would have no desire to do with a girl, but I still feel I wouldn't want to kiss a guy and I definitely don't feel like I would want to have sex with one.

 

Another important thing that I note about myself is that I don't feel that I fit in with the "straight society", but I also don't like gay culture either, because I don't feel like that fits me.

 

I'm so confused!!! I just need to know what I am so that I can come out to people!!

 

Im really not sure if I am gay or asexual. If I am asexual but experience aesthetic attraction for men. Or could I be on the borders or gay and asexual and slipping into each at different times depending on external stimuli? And then am I biromantic? As far as I can tell sexuality, romantic attraction and aesthetic attraction are not all the same.

 

Is there anyone else who feels like this?

 

Also, thanks for reading what is basically an essay lol.

[Star Bit]

Some asexuals identify as gay, but some also don't because that term is normally seen as sexual. So homoromantic is used; which can be used alone to imply asexuality. And yes people can have aesthetic attraction without sexual attraction; they're all different types of attraction and can be felt separately; even for sexual people.

[Adrastaea]

Don't feel like you have to give yourself a label so other people have something to call you. If they're people you care about, and who care about you, by all means have the conversation about how you don't really know what you are. If they're just casual drama-seekers, give them the old lifted eyebrow and send them to the right-about. No one has a right to know anything about you.

 

If you look around here a bit you'll find that people come in near infinite combinations of descriptors, so even if you identify under the asexual umbrella, that has nothing to do with the type of people you like to look at or get into relationships with.

[Just Believe]

9 minutes ago, Adrastaea said:

Don't feel like you have to give yourself a label so other people have something to call you. If they're people you care about, and who care about you, by all means have the conversation about how you don't really know what you are. If they're just casual drama-seekers, give them the old lifted eyebrow and send them to the right-about. No one has a right to know anything about you.

 

If you look around here a bit you'll find that people come in near infinite combinations of descriptors, so even if you identify under the asexual umbrella, that has nothing to do with the type of people you like to look at or get into relationships with.

It would be people I care about and who care about me that I want to tell, but that's why I worry that subconsciously I am trying to convince myself that I am under the asexual umbrella and not gay, because my family all being of a strict religious persuasion would seemingly be much more likely to accept me being asexual than gay. So I don't want to be going down this thinking because I want to please them. But then I do genuinely feel as I have set out in my initial post. 

[Janus the Fox]

I certainly have an affiliation with other guys, definitely have things that cover the LGBT, even if I have no libido, attraction or desires to be with guys or girls, I'd say I more often than not see myself with other guys if such relational desire was there.

[Star Bit]

You eventually mention biromantic, so it makes me think you do know the difference between sexuality and romanticism, but the rest prior to that makes me think otherwise. For the chance of the latter I'll clarify. Sexuality (sex), romance (a relationship), and platonic (friendship) are all different things. Everyone has two orientations; a romantic and a sexual one, it's just that most people's match so they identify as one thing rather than two.

 

Also, emotional attraction and romantic attraction are two different things (the former just means you think their personality is cool/admirable), but by mentioning biromanticism you seem to have actually meant romantic attraction. In that case, if you did feel romantically for your past girlfriend and other men, then yes, that would be biromantic. If romantic attraction to women is rare homoflexible ace (short for asexual) can be used. But only having aesthetic attraction toward men isn't a "gay tendency"; it's completely platonic; nothing sexual or romantic about it thus not gay in any way; just admirance of beauty. Being aroused by gay porn/male bodies and not being into straight or gay culture is also irrelevant to your orientation (the thing that's only about who you sexually or romantically desire).

 

But because of what you've said (aesthetic attraction to men, arousal to gay erotica/men's bodies, and non-platonic sensual attraction) i would say it's completely possible you could end up being a normal sexual man with responsive sexual desire and just require arousal or foreplay to trigger your sexual desire (especially if you desire to make out). If sexual desire ends up only being toward men this is called a cross-orientation; specifically biromantic homosexual. For some making out hast to be done with someone they trust or are romantically attracted to before the desire for sex is activated. So due to this unclarity I'd personally hold off on naming your orientation until that happens.

 

1 hour ago, Bubbalu said:

I think I would find a man emotionally attractive as well as aesthetically, but I have never experienced that as I've tended to gravitate to girls for friendships. I think I could enjoy snuggling and those kind of intimacies with a guy, and I feel like if he had an attractive body I would want to touch his abs, chest and muscles (sorry too much detail), which I would have no desire to do with a girl, but I still feel I wouldn't want to kiss a guy and I definitely don't feel like I would want to have sex with one.

The bold is irrelevant to you possibly having responsive sexual desire; that's exactly how it works after all; only when arousal or foreplay happens does someone desire sex and not prior. Also, not everyone is into making out.

 

[Zima23]

I feel the same way. I can appreciate the male aesthetic...and there are some guys that I find almost unbearably attractive. I like closeness, deep companionshiip, non sexual touching, hugging, cuddling and even kissing but have no desire for sex in any form. I'm not into gay or straight porn at all.  I think a man is more attractive dressed.  I guess homoromantic best describes me. Don't worry about finding a label to define yourself. Be true and honest with yourself. Trust your feelings. There is no right or wrong about how you feel.

[Just Believe]

On 17/01/2017 at 5:55 AM, Zima23 said:

I feel the same way. I can appreciate the male aesthetic...and there are some guys that I find almost unbearably attractive. I like closeness, deep companionshiip, non sexual touching, hugging, cuddling and even kissing but have no desire for sex in any form. I'm not into gay or straight porn at all.  I think a man is more attractive dressed.  I guess homoromantic best describes me. Don't worry about finding a label to define yourself. Be true and honest with yourself. Trust your feelings. There is no right or wrong about how you feel.

So do you find that you know when a woman is pretty too, but in a different way. To put an analogy on it, it's like looking at a beautiful sports car, whereas looking at an attractive guy is like looking at a stunning sunset? That's how I feel. And I have no interest in a guys private bits, but if they have a really nice body, like nice muscles and things, I find that beautiful. Do you experience that?

[A-Scale]

You can absolutely be gay and asexual! I think the important thing is that as people start to understand sexual orientations better, we also start to understand that romantic and sexual feelings are not necessarily connected or "in sync" so to speak. Honestly, "romantic" feelings are also relatively vague and biased regarding the society we all grow up in. First off, I think it's important to know that whatever you feel is okay. It's not wrong, it's just how you work, and that's great! From what you described, it seems that you'd fit into the "asexual spectrum." If you want to identify as asexual that's fine too! In terms of romance, it can be the same thing as gay, bi, or straight, or pan, etc. except without the sexual attraction. For example, you can be homoromantic, which means you're romantically attracted to people of the same gender as you, but not sexually attracted. The thing is, your identity is up to you. If you consider your feelings romantic towards someone, then it's romantic. If you consider it platonic, then it's platonic. Realistically, it can be much more muddled for people. Personally I've never had extreme differences between romantic and platonic attraction. Although romantic attraction feels different, I wouldn't necessarily say it's "stronger." My closest friends I love to bits, but I'm not interested in kissing them.

Anyways, really it's up to you and your own definition. If you'd like help figuring out what that could be, that's also great and this is a perfect place for it, from what it looks like!

[Just Believe]

11 hours ago, A-Scale said:

You can absolutely be gay and asexual! I think the important thing is that as people start to understand sexual orientations better, we also start to understand that romantic and sexual feelings are not necessarily connected or "in sync" so to speak. Honestly, "romantic" feelings are also relatively vague and biased regarding the society we all grow up in. First off, I think it's important to know that whatever you feel is okay. It's not wrong, it's just how you work, and that's great! From what you described, it seems that you'd fit into the "asexual spectrum." If you want to identify as asexual that's fine too! In terms of romance, it can be the same thing as gay, bi, or straight, or pan, etc. except without the sexual attraction. For example, you can be homoromantic, which means you're romantically attracted to people of the same gender as you, but not sexually attracted. The thing is, your identity is up to you. If you consider your feelings romantic towards someone, then it's romantic. If you consider it platonic, then it's platonic. Realistically, it can be much more muddled for people. Personally I've never had extreme differences between romantic and platonic attraction. Although romantic attraction feels different, I wouldn't necessarily say it's "stronger." My closest friends I love to bits, but I'm not interested in kissing them.

Anyways, really it's up to you and your own definition. If you'd like help figuring out what that could be, that's also great and this is a perfect place for it, from what it looks like!

Thank you that is all very helpful and logical. I really need to be able to come out and I think that the reason that I haven't been able to is that I started off by coming out to my best friends as gay, but that didn't feel like the truth. Like I was telling them but having to explain that I don't feel like I need sex, which is when I began to consider asexuality. I guess rather than using a label when I come out I need to just explain. I do feel that i need to tell people though because I am mid 20s and always get the obvious comments of trying to link me up to different girls and telling me that by my age my parents were already married and had me, and I need to be able to move on with my life in my way, I.e. to stop people from trying to force me into society in the way that they see it. I suppose technically, if you can separate aesthetic attraction from sexual and can use it as a suffix the best way to describe me is a biromantic homoaesthetic asexual; but try explaining that to your average Joe!

[Estrella Starr]

Hello! I think it's totally possible and that the realization that your romantic orientation and your sexual orientation don't match can be confusing because for every other group they are aligned. That is definitely where I was confused for a long time, I found men incredibly physically attractive and had romantic feelings towards them but the minute that those feeling were supposed to turn sexual, it would just end. When I read up on what hetero romantic was and the difference between the two orientations, it was an instant Aha! moment. 

[Just Believe]

On 21/01/2017 at 5:26 PM, ThePecanSandies said:

Hello! I think it's totally possible and that the realization that your romantic orientation and your sexual orientation don't match can be confusing because for every other group they are aligned. That is definitely where I was confused for a long time, I found men incredibly physically attractive and had romantic feelings towards them but the minute that those feeling were supposed to turn sexual, it would just end. When I read up on what hetero romantic was and the difference between the two orientations, it was an instant Aha! moment. 

Thank you for your comment. I've been ruminating on everything that people have said and the various resources from this site and I'm pretty confident now that if I were to stick a label on myself (which I will for the purpose of coming out) it would be that I am a biromantic-homoaesthetic-asexual. Im going to have to make a little chart or something to explain to people what each component means because they will be confused. That feels like my aha moment because it explains why saying that I am gay didn't feel truthful and much better sits with the way i believe my circumstances to be.

[yeehaw123]

Looking at this list could really help you.

 

 

[Star Bit]

On 1/20/2017 at 5:02 PM, Bubbalu said:

So do you find that you know when a woman is pretty too, but in a different way. To put an analogy on it, it's like looking at a beautiful sports car, whereas looking at an attractive guy is like looking at a stunning sunset? That's how I feel. And I have no interest in a guys private bits, but if they have a really nice body, like nice muscles and things, I find that beautiful. Do you experience that?

Yah, pretty normal. It's called aesthetic attraction and is just platonic admirance of looks. As you said, a platonic fixation like an admirable sunset or sports car.

[Zima23]

On 1/20/2017 at 3:02 PM, Bubbalu said:

So do you find that you know when a woman is pretty too, but in a different way. To put an analogy on it, it's like looking at a beautiful sports car, whereas looking at an attractive guy is like looking at a stunning sunset? That's how I feel. And I have no interest in a guys private bits, but if they have a really nice body, like nice muscles and things, I find that beautiful. Do you experience that?

That is exactly how I feel. I knew/know my ex wife was/is beautiful. I know when a woman is beautiful...but no woman ever turned my head. I fell in love with my wife...her heart, not her parts. We had a sexual relationship...but I never sought sex. I was 27 before I was intimate with her (my first and only, woman or man). Sex was never something I needed...or wanted, which I guess she grew tired of. 

 

Some guys, their physique or smile or both, just turn my insides to mush. It's simultaneously the best and worst feeling imaginable. And yes, muscles catch my eye every single freaking time. But I've never desired to be sexual with a man. Maybe get close. Maybe hug or cuddle, maybe kiss. But nothing else. Don't know if that helps.