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Can a marriage survive with no sex? The Mirror Article


Janus the Fox

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Janus the Fox

The following is a transcript from a newspaper recently about sexless marriage, it argues between two different sides, both of which mentions asexuality, but also the nuances of a relationship bond beyond just sex. 

 

To me such an argument portrays a rather unbalanced view between experts, one of which does gloss over asexuality and the nuances of relationships beyond sex.  In my opinion, the yes side portrays a more realistic approach towards sexless marriage.

 

The following article also includes publicly accessible contact details, for which could be encourages for anyone whom has further queries, questions and clarity to maybe clear the air on asexuality if one needs to.

 

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Can a marriage survive with no sex? - By Warren Manger

 

Nothing beats the joy of sex to keep the spark in a romantic relationship

 

But what happens when you can’t get no satisfaction? Do you grin and bear it, or should you look for a new partner who keeps you happy in the bedroom?

One in four couples over the age of 50 say they are in a sexless marriage. [no source] And the week agony aunt Mariella Frostrup, sparked a row when she advised one woman to dump her boyfriend, saying she shouldn’t have to settle for someone with low sex drive.

 

In her opinion the woman should “find a better match” if her man failed to “sharpen up his act”. (Daily Mail article for reference - http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-4104104/You-d-never-say-man-Mariella-accused-double-standards-tells-woman-ditch-sex-shy-partner.html)

So is a sexless relationship really doomed to fail? We asked two experts.

Warren.manger@mirror.co.uk

 

 

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Yes it can, says lifecoach Dr Pam Spurr

 

It is absolutely not the case that a sexless marriage is doomed. I have met many couples and have friends who for one reason or another are in a sexless marriage.

 

That doesn’t spell a loveless marriage or one lacking in emotional intimacy.

 

Quite the contrary because in the right circumstances where a couple fully understand each other’s feelings, they may have a deeper bond than others.

 

Obviously, both partners must be on the same page.

 

Both must feel that, for whatever reason, their love can remain strong in a marriage that is uniquely about friendship, compatibility, and emotional intimacy.

 

And there are many reasons why people end up in a sexless marriage.

 

There might be physical difficulties for one or both partners, making sex difficult. Either or both may simply lack a strong sex drive.

 

Perhaps they’ve had children and feel sexual intimacy is no longer important. It may even be they met on one of the increasingly popular “asexual” websites.

 

These cater for like-minded people, those with no interest in sex who want to date and form relationships.

 

However, it is absolutely vital that whatever the reason a couple has been led down the path of a sexless relationship, it must be acknowledged. They must come to a mutual understanding.

 

Simply sweeping it under the carpet, and crossing your fingers that your partner will feel the same, leads to disaster.

 

Many affairs start due to one partner still desiring sex. They have no idea why their other half no longer wants it. They feel neglected and rejected and seek sexual contact elsewhere.

 

Having an affair is never a solution to this scenario. It compounds the fact that the couple didn’t discuss why one, or the other, no longer wants a sexual relationship.

 

Unless you are a couple who have already acknowledged that sex is no longer important to you, it can feel daunting to broach these feelings. Start the conversation when both of you are relaxed and have time to fully discuss things.

 

Always focus first on the positives in your relationship – for instance, the interests that you both share, the qualities you really appreciate in the other.

Then raise the fact that your feelings about sex have changed.

 

Always check that a new lack of interest in sex doesn’t reflect something else, such as depression, too much stress, a medication you’ve been given that has this side-effect, or something else.

Find Dr Pam on Twitter at @DrPamSpurr or at drpam.co.uk

 

 

 

 

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No it can't, says sex expert Dr Rebecca Dakin

Without sex you are basically just friends. I don’t think it is healthy to be in a marriage without sex and intimacy.

 

They are the glue that hold a relationship together.

 

Unless you are completely asexual, or you are 80 years old and can no longer perform, I cannot imagine why you would want to be in a relationship without intimacy.

 

Without sex, all those little niggles in the relationship start to mount up.

 

That is a recipe for disaster.

 

If you’re not careful it can start to drive you apart. It’s the sex that brings you together again.

 

How many couples who say they are in a sexless marriage can honestly say both people are happy with that? Not many.

 

I previously worked as an escort, so I know from experience that in most supposedly sexless marriages, at least person is still having sex. They are just getting it elsewhere.

 

It’s very rare to find there are two people in the relationship who say: “It’s great that we have no sex.”

 

Obviously your sex drive is not going to stay the same from the minute you get together until you grow old.

 

It changes over time and there are all kinds of things that affect it – children, the menopause, illness, and stress.

 

But sex comes in a lot of forms. It’s not all about penetration, and withdrawing from sex altogether won’t help the relationship. It creates a massive void.

 

If your partner gets rejected every time they come to you for intimacy, ultimately they will go elsewhere.

 

Don’t think: “Great, they aren’t asking me for sex any more.” That is the time to be worried your relationship is at risk of infidelity.

 

It’s crucial to communicate with each other and find a happy medium. The biggest complaint I hear from women is that every touch has to lead to sex.

They start thinking: “I don’t want you to touch me because you then want to have sex with me.”

 

It is easy to forget how good sex makes you feel.

 

We all lead such stressful lives now that sex can be a really good way to release that. I have lost count of the couples I see who are arguing.

 

I tell them: “Just go and have sex.” It’s amazing how many of them come back saying they feel better.

 

People feel happier when they are having sex. It releases those endorphins that make us feel good.

 

And that means a marriage with an active, fulfilling sex life is much more likely to be a happy one.

 

 

Find Rebecca on Twitter at @GBSexpert or at thegreatbritishsexpert.co.uk.

 

Warren Manger, WM, (11.01.2017), ‘The Mirror’ Can a marriage survive with no sex?, p.8.  Available at: http://www.mirror.co.uk/lifestyle/sex-relationships/can-marriage-ever-survive-no-9599547 (accessed: 12/01/2017)

 

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Ugh. Sex =/= intimacy. It's just one kind of intimacy. I'm so sick of articles by people who spread misinformation about sex, intimacy, and asexuality.

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